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#309429 - 11/05/09 01:20 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: MPackard]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2145
Loc: durham, north england
To me, that's like saying, ---- you might be the world's best diamond cutting artist if you give yourself time. Get me some diamonds, ---- then I'll tell you.

there's no use saying I am or am not ready for a reltionship, sinse there's no possibility or even vague idea of me getting into one.

this is why I'd prefer to just accept this fact if I can.

No, I can't have a relationship, yes, the closest anyone's ever been to me was the way it was, ---- but those aren't things I can have any hope of changing.

I'll be better off focusing on creative work, on everything else in life and the things I can do.

Isn't there a really faous prayer which asks for the ability t change the things I can, the patience to accept the things I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference.

In terms of relationships, I was clearly not be either patient or wise enough.


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#309449 - 11/05/09 05:23 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: MPackard]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I'm gonna probably bother you but here goes. You said you have not been doing anything at all, not trying to find anyone and nothing. Hmmmmm. I guess that is a pretty reasonable outcome. smile I wonder what would happen if you actually tried to really find someone? I don't know. Maybe I'm way off track. I'm thrilled to hear that you are working in thearpy and working to learn how to love yourself. I'm not going to tell you that there is someone out there for you and that if you just give it time you'll find them. I am going to gently suggest that if you don't put yourself out there and if you are not taking risks you'll never know what is out there. I don't think you are ready for anything right now as stated already. I think you are still finding yourself. I would just hate to see you ever selling yourself short. I get that you have been frustrated. Do things to make yourself happy, find yourfelf, have fun! Find hobbies that fill your soul. Just try to not slam that door too shut. You never know who might try to walk through it. Cheer.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#309469 - 11/05/09 09:15 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dangal]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2145
Loc: durham, north england
Well dangal, you tell me then.

How would I find someone, --- what does "put yourelf out there" actually mean.

I have many female friends, ---- one consequence of doing light opera as a hobby is meeting a lot of irls, sinse for some genda sterriotyped reason more girls do tit than boys.

As Said before, I've been out for coffee etc more times than I can count, ---- as friends.

I've tried a dating site, which has been an unqualified desaster!

What else can I do? --- if you have any ideas you tell me!

Also bare in mind that being visually impared if I go to a pub alone, nobody will considder speaking to me, and if I speak to anyone else, I have to physically employ a lot of my people skills to get them to a point of actually being willing to talk to me as a human being.

I fail to see the point of clubs, ---- nor less can I dance.

So, tell me, what else can I do to "put myself out there" which I'm not doing already.

All of my friends met their respective partners in similar ways, ---- Ie, friends through mutual interest.

if anyone can make any practical suggestions I'd be glad o give them a try before I finally do slam that door, ---- the only thing coming through it is cold air and regret, ---- both things I'll be better without.


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#309555 - 11/06/09 08:21 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
bluefairy Offline


Registered: 04/04/09
Posts: 52
Hi,

I don't know if my words will mean much to you, but please don't be bitter, life can be enjoyed even if you are not currently with someone. Sure, we all want that closeness and companionship, and some days we feel the need for that more than other days, but there are many things to find joy in.

I'm in my early 20s and I've never been in anything even close to a relationship untill a couple of years ago. I thought there's probably no one who would ever like me, so I went on with life doing things I enjoy, drawing, studies etc, there were some days when I'd feel down about it. Then I made a friend who would eventually become my boyfriend. I didn't know then, but as time went on I realised what great guy he is, and I ended up with a crush on him for about a year before saying anything.

Maybe you could not slam that door shut, but leave it ajar? So you don't let some possibly amazing people walk by you.
Hugs, take care.

_________________________
There will always be a place for you in my heart

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#309559 - 11/06/09 09:04 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: bluefairy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2145
Loc: durham, north england
good for you blue fairy, your another person wfor whome tis has worked.

Lucky for you your not me.

I'm probably five or six years oldr than yout (I'm 27), and looking at things fom this side of 25, things seem different. All my friends are currently in the process of marrying ther long time partners, ---- while the closest I've been to anyone was as a teenager with having my face spat in and being called a fucking bastard.

It's precisely because! I wish to no longer feel like this and want to focus on my writing, my philosophy and everything else in life that this door must close.

Closing it is proving a hard and difficult process, ---- but it's better than the alternative.

I'm sure when I've fully accepted this truth i'll be able to be happy for others in relationships, ---- not resentful of them as I feel currently.

thanks for your words none the less.


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#309873 - 11/10/09 07:29 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: MPackard]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 829
Loc: Ohio
darksympathy, it may well be a good decision to "stop looking". Sometimes you do have to have your house in order. I went to therapy for over a year in college because of compulsive MB and homosexual fantasies. I was a committed Christian at a small college that had been founded as a missionary training center and did not allow dancing, cussing or smoking. I had to work out my sexual identity issues to have the ability to form a relationship. In my case, although I never stopped the compulsive behavior nor the gay attractiosn, I came to the conclusion that I was Bi and could live with an exclusive relationship. I then realized that I preferred a female for that relationship because we could have a family in the traditional sense. I did deal with the fact that I had been abused as a child and that it was more severe than any incident I could remember even though we never found the memories I recently recovered.

Then, I was willing to date. There is a movie that is titled, I think, Dr Love or Love Doctor. You should see it, it is hilarious. It is about a guy that just knows how to push women's buttons. He helps guys (and girls too I think) out with their love life for a fee. All the while he is trying to figure out his own status and has a surprising amount of trouble (therapists out there can chuckle too). But I confessed to my wife that our relationship was due to just such a character. I had a roommate (Scott) who was a womanizer/male slut. When a mutual friend told me a co-worker in the cafeteria might be interested in me I consulted him on how to make it more than a one-date wonder. He coached me through what to do and how. It worked like a charm. I then had signed up to go into the Army right before the first Gulf War after graduation. I broke it off so I wouldn't have to worry about a Dear John letter in a war zone. Needless to say after I was done with training, I proposed to her.

But the root of that whole story is getting my self figured out enough to be capable of a relationship.



Edited by catfish86 (11/10/09 08:09 AM)
_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#310385 - 11/14/09 12:27 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: MPackard]
purplecat Offline


Registered: 03/05/09
Posts: 31
dark,

when i faced relationship problems, i found it best to look at it this way:

I may never have someone and I am ok with that eaither way.

I wouldnt say "never" i would just think that eaither way you end up, alone or with someone, YOU should be ok with that. You need to be ok with just yourself. It sounds like you are but with a more negitive spin.

I would totally focus on youself and you issues. Dont be bitter about it because anger just means you are no ok with it.

Once you feel ok with yourself, maybe a relationship will follow...maybe not. eaither way, make peace with it.

good luck.


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#310468 - 11/15/09 08:51 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: purplecat]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2145
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks Purple cat, --- your one of the few people who haven't automatically poopooed this decision.

I find myself now being able to accept this decision of mine considderably more.

Last sunday I was at a friends' birthday party. I didn't particulary fancy going, but I'd agreed to.

i was literally the only single person there.

On the other hand, the first thing tht happened when i walked through the door is a friend of mine, ---- someone I've known for years who I'm as close to as a brother/sister literally threw herself at me! ---- she's probably the only person who could do this without me going into a panic attack!

I stil do not know precisely why I cannot have a relationship. As I said, all this business of "starting darting" confuses me, sinse for all my friends who are currently engaged in mass marrying, they just ran into their partners through friendship and mutual interest.

the idea of "pushing womens buttons" I find ireally odd, ---- as i've said, about %70 of my friends are! female and I just think of them generally the same way as my male friends, ---- unless i do something stupid and fall in love with one of them as I've been idiotic enough to do.

I dont know what is wrong with me or what I do sinse this hasn't happened, ---- but ultimately, ---- does this really matter?

yes, for those who experience it that sort of intimacy is probably important, ---- but sinse I haven't, ---- why worry.

there are lots of things people find important which I don't.

I'm working on the worthlessness and the negativity with my T, ----- but ridding myself of this desire for communication with another person is helping me be hurt less, ---- and feel less negative i general sinse I can concentrate on things which I currently have, not what I don't.

i just wish people would stop with the "there's someone out there" business, ---- sinse that is distinctly not helpful.

either way my process of accepting this circmstance of mine is continuing, ---- and being less painful.


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#310472 - 11/15/09 09:45 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
purplecat Offline


Registered: 03/05/09
Posts: 31
dark,

you have the right idea. gain some insight on your life and rid yourself of the worthlessness and neg before attemping a relationship. So many people enter relationships broken or half themselfs and expect someone else to make them whole. when no one can make you whole except yourself.

good luck and ive found that good freinds to talk to helps. but id keep away from anyone who has any feelings other then freinds for now.


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#310481 - 11/15/09 10:46 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: purplecat]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2145
Loc: durham, north england
Saying "attempting a relationship" makes no sense to me. As I said above it's like saying "attempting diamond cutting" ----- get me some diamonds and I'll make the attempt, ---- in the absense of diamonds, ---- or any idea how to get them, ---- why should I stil care about them?

this is something which simply exists for others and not for me.

Accepting this fact has been very difficult indeed, ---- letting go of the desire for the communication I've seen others have, ---- as well as the bitterness, and jealousy, ---- and facing up to the truth that yes, ---- the physically closest I've been to anyone was the way it was.

that I lost my virjinity in a cruel and humiliating way with a crowd of people who only sort to hurt, ----- it's not that I think there is anything special about virjinity in particular, ---- it's just the way I lost it compard to the way most people do which is at the least pleasant, ---- and the most an expresion (even short term), of the communication I want.

but is trying to find something that I've never had, and have no idea how to find anyway really so important? thi is the circumstance I have, attempting to change it, ---- or even sitting back and believing that it will change has brought only pain, ---- so it's up to me to live with it.

This isn't nice or noble or good, ---- nor (I'm realizing), is it giving up, or just another form of bitterness or self-disgust. it's simply a utilitarian decision on what is best for me.


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