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#309282 - 11/04/09 12:55 PM I've made a decision
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hi.

I'm posting this here because I've mentioned the subject here before and Trish and others will recognize it.

For about 9 years now, sinse being around 17 I've desired a form of closeness with someone, ---- something I've sensed others have, and have not experienced myself.

It was this desire that ran me into trouble with **** and started me on recovery.

I don't deny that this is something I' stil feeling, but every attempt to get somewhere with this has hurt.

Whether it's online dating, trying to battle my own fears and make my feelings known to someone else (sinse from my point of view nobody has ever been interested in me), or just considdering my relationship to friends and my hope.

It's caused hours of pain and suffering to me, many nightmares and other problems..

I've decided to quit.

I don't know whether I'm particularly hateful, ugly, born under the wrong star or what, but nothing works. I've been told too many lies by people of what a great boyfriend/husband I'd make someone, aout "just give it time" ---- even "I'm flattered" on the occasions I have made my feelings known.

Well no more.

Obviously this is just something in life whicch works for others and not for me.

Part of me feels quite bitter about this decision, but continually looking and getting nowhere, and trying to feel hopeful after all this time serves no point.

I'll stil be around onms, and stil be continuing with recovery work, sinse there are fears and tiggers to fi in other places, ---- but I'll try and forget about my hope that all this will lead to what I'm looking for.

I don't feel right about saying this eally, ---- it just doesn't seem right to give up like this, ---- and I hope it's a decision I can sustain, but I'm sick of feeling hurt, jealousand lacking, and I'm sick of hearing lies that lead nowhere.

II'm sorry to eveyone who's had o endure my constant wining about my lack of a relationship, ---- I'll try my absolute best not to do it again, ---- sinse that's just pure self-pity.


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#309283 - 11/04/09 01:06 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
(((Luke))


s

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#309285 - 11/04/09 01:13 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
luke, i support your decision to give up the search for now, but not to throw out the baby with the bath water. maybe just step away from the whole thing for a bit, then head back in to explore what on the underside of all this at a time when you are able to think and feel less subjectively about it. let's make a deal that we'll at least continue the discussion at some point.....shake?

your friend,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#309294 - 11/04/09 02:04 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: Sans Logos]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Ron.

thanks for not saying "give it time"

I can't unfortunately see how anything could change though.

I'll stil make friends of both gendas, go out for coffee, etc, ---- as I always have done, ---- heck, I spent three hours in a cafe with a girl I met at an undergrad lecture yesterday, just drinking coffee and chatting, ---- not that I wanted to do anything else at this point (as usual I have no idea why she's friends with me, ---- and find it impossible to tink that she could be interested in being anything more).

As I've said though, if I had a pound for every girl Ive done that with I'd be extremely rich.

there is nothing different I can or will do, it's not a question of starting or stopping a search, sinse other than my Eharmony failure, I haven't searched, ---- I've just been stupid enough to develope feelings for female friends from time to time, ----- feelings which have never been, ---- and I'm increasingly starting to believe can never be, ---- shared.

I'll just forget about hoping that anything will change, ---- that's all.

To an extent this feels like giving up, ---- which very much goes against my nature, but from another angle this feels like a relief.


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#309301 - 11/04/09 03:05 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Luke,

I have found when i am seeking something too desperately people have a sense of this and back away from me. But when I can relax and not seek something so badly it seems to come to me when i am ready for it.

When i was a kid i use to play baseball. It in the empty field playing with my friends I was pretty good at it. But during little league and having my dad as my coach I would always put too much pressure on myself to excel so that my father would
approve of me. This pressure for approval or acceptance from my father caused me too be unable to relax and play to the best of my ability. And my over effort caused me to make allot of mistakes that I didn't normally make. Which only increased the pressure to play better which created an unbearable cycle that took all the joy of game away for me.
I also played football(American) and my father was not my coach.
I was not the best player but i always played to the best of my ability because of the joy and love of the game.

I guess my point is too focus on those things that you enjoy and are good at. And not too so desperately seek that which we do not have right now. It will happen when you are ready for and least expect it.

Mike


_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#309306 - 11/04/09 04:05 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
my mother told me once that you can be happy, and be alone, (was she trying to tell me something?..thnx mom for the vote of confidence)...perhaps she is right....but personally....i dont want to be alone,...i want a relationship....but i think the harder you look the harder it is to find....so im not avtively looking....plus i want to fix some stuff before i get involved again with someone....i want to be in the best posible state, with the best possible attitude....

comming to terms with my own shortcommings i think has helped me get past some of the rejection...understanding that i am not going to be everyones ideal partner,...and that also works in reverse...not everyone is going to be my ideal partner...not everyone is going to find me attractive, just like i dont find everyone attractive,....as horrible as i might think that realization is,..its a reality....

but somewhere out there, someone is looking for someone just like me.....im here, im here!!

_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

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#309310 - 11/04/09 04:27 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: myboyhoodfears]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
But i haven't actively looked or done anything.

Indeed, the thought of showing physical affection or anything similar fills me with a huge sense of self-disgust, ---- I've had repeated nightmares where I'm sitting with a girl and talking, ---- then suddenly I'm being accused of rape for no reason I understand.

Everyone I've developed feelings for have been friends I've known for a while.

I cannot stop seaking or relax my search because i haven't actually been searching, ---- I've been just taking all thosepeople who say "one day" at their word and waiting, ---- thinking perhaps the next female friend I fall for will be the one.

Obviously though, for me, there is no "the one" waiting at all, and I'll be better off when I stop expecting.

I have no understanding of people who say "i'll go out and find a partner when I'm ready" sinse for me, there's never been any way of finding, ----- or indeed anyone to find, ---- just my own stupidity in allowing my feelings for female friends to get out of hand.

Well, forget it.

Next time it happens, I'm walking in the other direction.

Yes, this is an atitude of resignation, ---- but it's better being resigned than hurt.


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#309395 - 11/05/09 03:42 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
Angelx Offline


Registered: 10/18/09
Posts: 32
Loc: UK
Hi, I hope you don't mind me posting from a female point of view. My partner has a very low opinion of himself and alot of the time doesn't think he is 'worthy' of me or my love. This causes alot of problems in our relationship. Untill you can learn to love yourself I think it will be hard for someone else to get close to you and love you back. You sound like you have a very low opinion of yourself, perhaps if you could work on this in other ways, a relationship with someone else would become easier. Please don't lose hope, there is someone out there for everyone maybe your barriers are all thats stopping you right now. Take care xx


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#309398 - 11/05/09 06:44 AM Re: I've made a decision [Re: Angelx]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks AngelX. while I appreciate the thought, people have been saying the same thing to me for years. "there's someone" etc, etc.

I've been doing recovery now for two solid years, and my principle reason has been exactly what you stated, ---- obviously my past is getting in the way, ---- so if I fix that things will change.

i come on this sight though, and read about inumerable people who have found relationships despite their problems, ----- some work some do not, but at least they've experienced something I haven't.

I'e never been looking for that perfect "till death do us part" relationship, ---- thats just too far ahead. I've just been looking for a form of closeness, ---- even temporarily that I've not experienced before.

I've had people saying "don't lose hope" and "there's someone out there" for years now.

Believing them did me no good, doing recovery did me no good.

Even now, that my depression is lessened, that I'm actually feeling creative again and no longer totally lost in the past, ---- even now, in the matter of relationships nothing continues to happen, and all that is happening is me gettig hurt for this lack of communication and closeness with another person.

If I had a penny for every person who's said "don't lose hope there's someone" or given me a list of good qualities I have and what a good boyfriend/husband i'd make, I'd be a millionair by now.

The few pieces of practical advice I've ever had, ----- such as try a dating site, I've tried.

Stil nothing.

It's very simple induction. If a premise fails in multiple circumstances via multiple experimentations, and under all conditions, it is just plain inconsistant to maintain that premise.

of course, induction isn't a perfect process, ---- but it's all we have to go on.

At the moment I am rather upset about having to make this decision, and I find myself feeling extremely bitter about it, ----- especially when i considder all those success stories.

But bitterness is easier to confront than a situation I can do nothing about.

So, here's where it ends.


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#309426 - 11/05/09 12:49 PM Re: I've made a decision [Re: dark empathy]
MPackard Offline


Registered: 12/09/08
Posts: 43
Loc: MS
So this is what I hear...you're still (after 2 years) wondering why anyone is even your friend.
You're feeling your creativity coming back.....
Your depression is lifting somewhat....
I believe that you are begining to heal. I think that your healing will be recognizible when you are no longer wondering why anyone would want to be your friend (etc...)
At this point I would say that you're simply not ready. It's very hard to be in a relationship with someone who cannot understand thier value.
I think that my husband is one of the greatest, bravest guys out there, yet he's only now (after a year in recovery)getting the slightest hint that he is a valuable member of society and certainly to his family.
I think (and I'M NO EXPERT) that you are on the road to healing but you're not ready, yet, to give yourself to a relationship....because a relationship isn't just what she/he can give to you, but what you can give to her, as well.
I say all this to say that I think you're right to stop looking, for now. You're on a good track, dont get sidetracked by ANYTHING.
I really wish you good luck.


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