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#309202 - 11/03/09 11:23 PM Hello all, introduction***triggers***
Barbi Offline


Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 12
Loc: Pennsylvania
My name is Barbi because I am a transsexual. I was abused by my mother almost from birth to the age of sixteen. My parents were both into the bondage,S&M and fetish scene. My father divorced her when I was about two years old. The divorce was because she was unstable in many ways and he had an attack of guilt over his own fetishes. My mother had been working as a dominatrix when they met.

My first memories are of her flying into rages about how much she hated men and boys. I would be screamed at, whipped with a strap and told that I was nothing but misery for her. I was disgusting and worthless. At bedtime each night she would come into my room wearing satin lingerie and gloves and tickle my face with satin ribbons while smoking cigarettes. She would tell me she could love me if I were a girl. Before long she putting me in make up, wigs and pink satin party dresses. She told me I was her gorgeous little satin doll and now she could love me. Instead of yelling at me she would spend hours massaging me with bridal satin and masturbating me. She called those massages pleasurings. Over those first few years she introduced me to leather fetishism, bondage, tickle torture and oral sex.

Before I was to begin school she drilled it into my head that I could never tell anyone what she was doing or I would be taken from her. I was to behave like the other boys. She told me if I told she would never love me with satin again. I never told. Over the years it went on the abuse always had ritualistic elements. She never touched me unles wearing, leather, satin or latex gloves and it always started with her smoking a cigarette. Despite testing years ahead of my grade level I did very poorly in school. The regular boys clothing I would wear to school felt like steel wool on my skin compared to the satins I got to wear at home. I was always day dreaming and spaced out. I had few friends and as I reached my teens I didn't even bother trying to meet or date girls. What was the point? Only "Leather Mommy", or "Satin Mommy" could give me what I needed.

There was a major scare when I was thirteen. My mother had to go for an abortion. I am pretty sure I got her pregnant. The summer I turned sixteen was the last summer I spent as her satin doll. That September she had a hystersectomy and it changed her. It all came to a stop. She threw away all the satin and leather and told me it was never to be spoken of again.

I was a complete mess when it all stopped. If I tried to bring it all up she would just get a dazed look in her eyes and change the subject. Fot the first time I began making some friends at school. The wrong type of friends and began drinking, smoking pot and even doing acid. I also began spending any money I got on satin, gloves,lingerie, nylons and fetish porn. I just hid it all under my bed.

Just after I graduated High School I went out with some friends to a bar and got waisted on 151 rum. I must have passed out because I came around in a strange mans bed having gay sex. I was in shock at what I had done and began walking many miles towards home. When I made it home mid morning the next day my fathers car was in the driveway. I walked in to find my mother and father standing next to my entire collection of satin and fetish porn laid out on the living room floor. He punched me out and left as my mother put it all in garbage bags. She was smirking like it was some big joke. Something broke inside me that day. I just buried it all and tried to go on with my life.

After that day I guess my mother felt her life work was complete. She sold the house and exiled herself to a trailer on 16 acres of land in rural PA. I went on to drink a lot and flunk out of college. I ended up with no choice but to head to PA and stay with her as I looked for work. I found a job at an adult bookstore up in the mountains that came with a room in the back. I worked there three years and was almost asexual while there. In my mid twenties I became a press operator for a newspaper. I began spending every spare cent buying satin and leather. I began to visit massage parlours where the girls called me the "satin man". I also started making trips to the dungeons of NYC where I would visit leather doms and call them mommy. The doms I saw all said I had the most perverted imagination they ever saw. I despised myself for having what I thought of as sick fetish fantasies about my own mother.

In my early thirties my compulsions got worse. I tried to start a fetish wear business but just ended up dressing in the merchandise. I took some photos of myself in full drag and began running ads as a shemale dominatrix. I actually looked good enough that soon I was making great money. I even worked in Manhatten for a year at a dungeon. I was making incredible money but was so stressed I quit. Once I left NYC I started a pay site. The kinky adventures of Barbi Satin. I was one of the only hetero shemale porn stars alive. Over the past eleven years of running the site I ended up in two serious relationships with two of the women I did photo shoots with. I fell head over heels in love with these two women. They both had severe mental problems and both of them had fathers who had abused them. Both relationships were disaters.

My mother passed away three and a half years ago. It took me until last week to bring myself to go into her bedroom and clear it out. As I said for years I despised myself for my sick "mommy" fantasies.

Her dresser contained just normal clothing. The closet just had the normal things you would expect. The three drawers built into the back wall were stuffed full of mementos from my childhood. I found a set of vintage Scintilla pink satin sheets, her leather corset, several pairs of long kid leather and satin gloves, her plastic panties and one of the satin dresses I would wear for her. She also kept a few of the little heart shaped ring bearer pillows I would bring her her cigerettes on. Several plastic bags full of lip stick stained cigarette butts and even the punishment enema bag with a bar of old Ivory soap no less. When I found the pom poms made of satin ribbons and bows she used to tickle torture me I ran to the bathroom and puked. The last thing I found was the Crucifix that hung above her bed. She always said, "Jesus never helped me when my daddy played and he won't help you".

I guess what prompted me to join here is the fact that I now know it was real. I know she was Schizophrenic. I know she was a true case of multiple personality disorder as well. Leather mommy and satin mommy were not the same person. Leather mommy was cruel, sarcastic and a total evil, sick sadist. Satin mommy was my angel. Leather Mommy was hell on earth and I had to degrade myself before her in ways to disgusting to write about.

In the 1960's there were only a few underground newspapers that dealt with kink and fetish and mother advertised in them. In 1967 when I was just seven years old she met "Roberta" as a client. Roberta was a transvestite who confessed to being a pedophile to her. Mom ended up with a lot of Roberts pay checks and I did the work.

Of all the things I found the plastic panties were the worst. She would wear them starting about a month before summer vacation would start. She would not wash her vagina or anus for over a month. I would have to perform cunnilingus and analingus on leather mommy to earn the pleasures of satin mommy.

That's about it. I don't know how to deal with all this. I just know I have to try. I am going on 50 years old. I just want to feel normal for once in my life.







Edited by ModTeam (11/03/09 11:36 PM)
Edit Reason: add trigger warning

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#309203 - 11/03/09 11:30 PM Re: Hello all, introduction [Re: Barbi]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Barbi,

welcome to malesurvivor. i noticed you have your PM's turned off. that's OK if you feel safer that way. i just want to let you know, that you are safe here. no one can hurt you here. this website is fully moderated, and we demand all our registrants be treated with the utmost respect.

it would be nice to be able share some discussion with you privately, but i accept that until you are ready, communications must remain public.

it took a lot of courage for you to share your situation here. please just know that you are no longer alone. and please feel free to send a private message if you have any questions or special concerns that you would like to discuss.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#309206 - 11/03/09 11:42 PM Re: Hello all, introduction [Re: Barbi]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Welcome to MS Barbi:

You certainly had a rotten start in life. You were a little kid who was virtually destroyed by the insane actions of your own mother. What happened right up until your were 17 or 18 was NOT your fault. Since then what has happened in your life is the direct result of what happened to you when you were younger. Your story is a horrific story of victimization. Some of my own early story is somewhat similar. My parents constantly argued and they were both physically and emotionally abusive towards me from a very young age. While my parents were not sexually abusive of me, I was sexually abused by the age of 5 or 6, and repeatedly by 11 different perps by the age of 18. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone here at Male Survivor.

Glad that you found us. We are a group of guys who are all here working together trying to find our freedom from what was done to us when we were kids. Some of us are still teenagers, and others of us are in our 70s. A number of us have some really terrible stories too. I am here mainly to try to lend the time that I have to try to mentor some of the other guys here who are still struggling. I was fortunate that I found experienced CSA recovery help in the mid-1980s in Cleveland, OH when I still lived there. My recovery was pure hell for many years as I struggled with an extreme illegal drug problem. But in May of 2000, I walked out the door at my last in-person support group, confident that I could take life's little curve balls. Since my years in recovery I have lived a great adult life which has included participating in two consensual LTRs with women who have really loved me. I'm here to tell you that if you work hard enough and long enough, you too can enjoy the rest of your life living your dreams as I have, free of your past as I am.

Welcome to our support group, hope that this is the beginning of the rest of your life. Recovery is possible,

Mark



Edited by Trucker51 (11/03/09 11:46 PM)
Edit Reason: add a few words
_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#309208 - 11/03/09 11:50 PM Re: Hello all, introduction [Re: Sans Logos]
Barbi Offline


Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 12
Loc: Pennsylvania
Hi Ron
I figured out how to turn them on. I don't understand some things here. My post was labeled by admin as "triggers" ???? I don't get it.


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#309209 - 11/03/09 11:54 PM Re: Hello all, introduction [Re: Barbi]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
In our group bylaws, if your post contains much in the way of harsh language that some of the other members might find offensive, you are supposed to self-label your own post just as a member of our staff has done for you. If you have not read through our member instructions you couldn't possibly have known.

There is a copy of our member instructions toward the top of the survivor forum list.

No harm, no foul, glad that you are here.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#309210 - 11/03/09 11:55 PM Re: Hello all, introduction [Re: Trucker51]
Barbi Offline


Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 12
Loc: Pennsylvania
Thank you so much Mark.

All I want is a little bit of a normal life. I just want to be with a nice woman and have a garden and pets at this point in my life. I have a long way to go but I do thank you. Your message was very kind
John


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#309211 - 11/03/09 11:56 PM Re: Hello all, introduction [Re: Trucker51]
Barbi Offline


Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 12
Loc: Pennsylvania
Thank you Mark
I get it now


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#309212 - 11/04/09 12:03 AM Re: Hello all, introduction [Re: Barbi]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
oh, good. i sent you a welcome message. you can check out the link in the message to the website guidelines for posting.

the reason the 'trigger' warning was added was because of the content of the post and its potential for causing alarm among certain users who may be upset by the graphic de>
_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#309213 - 11/04/09 12:05 AM Re: Hello all, introduction [Re: Barbi]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
I used to do a lot of meat trucking between Chicago and NYC, if you have ever driven on I-70, I-76, I-78, I-80, I-84 or even I-90 in PA there is a chance that I went roaring by you sometime desperate to make another on-time delivery. For 30 years I drove the monsters of the highway before my eyesight began to deteriorate. Now I am taking some college classes living a semi-retired life in my home in the suburbs with my wife, which sure beats scrounging around the 'hood all alone wondering where my next hit was coming from, as was so common in my life before my success in recovery.

You can get there too, my man, if you will keep trying,

Mark



_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#309216 - 11/04/09 12:19 AM Re: Hello all, introduction [Re: Trucker51]
Barbi Offline


Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 12
Loc: Pennsylvania
I know I 80 well. I drove out the PA turnpike to I 80 all the way to San Fran. It was in 1999 and I drove to Reno in three days to do a photo shoot with Goddess Sondra. A pro dom who reminded me of my my mother. The positive side of that trip was that I had never before been west of Omaha. I loved the west.


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