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#309036 - 11/02/09 02:13 PM My husband told me he is bi **trigger warning**
anotherCircle Offline


Registered: 11/02/09
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Hi everyone,

I really need someone to talk to.

My husband and I have been married for 6 years and we have a 7 month old son. Yesterday, I caught him on Craiglist under "casual encounters." This led to him telling me that he is bisexual, has had boyfriends in the past (and girlfriends of course) and he was molested when he was 8 by a 13 year old boy. He has never cheated on me, and I'm in more pain because of the pain I see him going through than what I am feeling. He said he has never told anyone about being molested other than a close friend and two therapists. His parents don't even know. He has never told anyone about being bi (other than of course, partners...)

I don't know what's going to happen to our relationship, our family and if it weren't for our son, I'd probably go off the deep end. I really need a friend to talk to, but don't have anyone... and I can't talk to family because it's not my secret to tell. Unfortunately, I can't afford a therapist either.



Edited by anotherCircle (11/07/09 11:51 AM)
_________________________
"If the world could have remained within a frame, like a picture on a wall, then I think we'd see the beauty, stand staring in awe at our still lives posed, like a bowl of oranges..."

Top
#309041 - 11/02/09 02:49 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
h.beat,h.break Offline


Registered: 06/05/09
Posts: 124
Loc: New York
I'm not married or anything, but I'm here to listen. Feel free to PM me whenever you feel like it.

_________________________
Hey, if "black sheep" means you're the only non-douche of the family, take that with some pride.

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#309044 - 11/02/09 03:01 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: h.beat,h.break]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I'm so sorry you had to find out the way you did and that you have to deal with this. I as well am here for you. Feel free to reach out. I'll do the best I can to help.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#309055 - 11/02/09 03:38 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: dangal]
Angelx Offline


Registered: 10/18/09
Posts: 32
Loc: UK
Hi, anothercircle. I have to keep my partner's secret too as he is adamant he never wants anyone else to know. So it becomes our secret which means I have to shut my emotions off from family and friends so that they don't guess anything is wrong. When things get bad, I really wish I could turn to someone else for support but then I'd have to tell them the whole story so instead I just have to take myself off somewhere, have a good cry, talk to my mum (whose in heaven)then pull myself together again and face the music. I know it must be horrible for them as survivors but its not easy for us either. We're the ones that have to stay strong no matter what. Hope it helps to know you are not alone x


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#309057 - 11/02/09 03:54 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: Angelx]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Also like I said to someone in another thread, I'm in a support group for spouses. Look into it. It is a safe place to talk to about your feelings with other people who totally get how you feel because they are living the same life as you. Look into it, I highly suggest it.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#309072 - 11/02/09 05:23 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: dangal]
Mike1968 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/14/09
Posts: 117
Loc: California
Hi anothercircle. I can only imagine what you are enduring. A support group was mentioned, that sounds like a great start.

The "Now I think I am gay or bisexual" from your hubby after building a life with you...his making promises then decide it all suddenly worthless is mindboggling.

Now he thinks he can surf the web to meetup for sex with strangers, all while you cover up for him. It sounds like the molestation is just an excuse for him to get you to allow him to continue to commit these horrendous actions against you and the baby.

Then after all of this, to ask you to NOT utilize your own family as a support system to cope with his sinister abuse perpetrated against you is beyond words..

You not only have the right to utilize your trusted loved ones, your family as a support system, you have a right not to be abused in this manner. Please call a local Shelter for advice and support groups.
Covering up for his evil so he can continue on to hurt his family won't help but hurt you.
It's time he get into therapy, cease this surfing for anonymous sex. If not, he needs to remove himself from your home immediately.
He shouldn't be alone with the baby either.

Hopefully you can set some boundaries to keep yourself and your baby safe. No more abuse. You took a giant step with this post, I am proud of you.



Mike






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#309082 - 11/02/09 07:11 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: Mike1968]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Originally Posted By: Mike1968
He shouldn't be alone with the baby either.


Are you saying what I think your saying that because he is a survivor and because he is tempted to act out that makes him a potential perp to his child?

Originally Posted By: Another Circle
He has never cheated on me


_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#309083 - 11/02/09 07:23 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: Mike1968]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Hi Anothercircle,

My heart just absolutely breaks when I read a post such as yours.
Please know that you are not alone and that you will get a lot of support here.

I can so relate to your post as I endured the same thing with my now ex boy friend of two years ago. I too thought we had made a vow to be in a committed monogamous relationship with one another and that we were building our lives together, only to find out that he too was surfing Craigslist for sex with men in my absence.

Needless to say, it was very devastating and the fear I felt then and still do today in regards to what if he gave me some terrible STD or HIV, even though my physician has put me thru multiple tests, will probably be something that will now haunt me forever. Thank God I am now in a relationship with a wonderful man that understands!

I think Mike made some really good points in his post above. I don't think it is fair to abuse a person in this manner and then expect them to keep the "secret" all to themselves so that the individual doesn't have to take responsibility for his adult actions. Had I not had the support of my counselors, family, dearest friends and pastors during this most difficult time, I am not sure what I would have done! There were many a days that just knowing I had someone to talk to kept me from losing it totally....it is a very sickening feeling! I think if you keep this a "secret", you are giving him way too much power and also are making a statement that your life and that of your child is not as important as his.

You don't really say in your post if your husband has actually met up with any of these men that you saw him surfing on Craigslist for, but I hope and pray that you are doing everything in your power to make sure that you are physically safe! This is very risky business!

As Mike also states, you have a right to not be abused in this manner. Please do what you need to do to take care of you and your child. You deserve better!

Lou


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#309089 - 11/02/09 09:25 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
anotherCircle Offline


Registered: 11/02/09
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Thanks for the the input... some of it, not what I expected.

I'm not here to argue with anyone, that is the last thing I need. So I'm not going to defend myself, or my husband, on points and assumptions that I know are wrong.

This is something completely knew to me and I'm unfamiliar with the emotions and path of recovery that a male victim experiences/needs. I am in so much pain because of the pain I know he has held inside, and I feel as though I have been the one molested. I don't mean to make this all about me. Like he told me this afternoon... he's had 22 years to live with this, he hardly thinks about it anymore, but it's hit me like a baseball bat and knocked me off my feet. So detached, so many tears!!!! Then I think, I'm 24 and barely coping. What did it do to an EIGHT year old? It breaks my heart over and over.

I just don't know anymore. If there's one thing I learned so far, it's that no one can tell me what to do... I have to figure this out all by myself. In the mean time, our son is safe, I know this much. And I'll continue to do what is best for him.

Jas





Edited by anotherCircle (11/02/09 09:26 PM)
_________________________
"If the world could have remained within a frame, like a picture on a wall, then I think we'd see the beauty, stand staring in awe at our still lives posed, like a bowl of oranges..."

Top
#309096 - 11/02/09 10:48 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
PatchworkMama Offline


Registered: 01/24/09
Posts: 54
Loc: Iowa
OMG Jas....

Your story could be my story. I cried so hard it hurt when I read your post. I was where you are only a month or so ago. I am also completely alone. I have 4 children. I feel much the same as you.... I need a friend too... PM me if you'd like. You don't have to go through this alone.

Shawn


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#309097 - 11/02/09 10:49 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
emmy Offline


Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 9
Sorry. That seems like a painful way to find out. It was hard for me to hear when my H told me. He was sexually abused as a child and is bi as well. I haven't known for very long. We have 2 kids and they are really young. That adds another dimension to the whole situation. I am trying to read a book called Allies in Healing. I can't recommend it yet because I just started but for me it is a starting place for my healing. Therapy is good too but yes $$$$. So remember we are all here for you too! Take care.


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#309100 - 11/02/09 11:20 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
I will second the opinion that a good book on dealing with being a spouse of an abuse survivor is needed. I'm not sure about what to get but I know books have given me a great insight into myself along with stuff I've read here.

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


Top
#309147 - 11/03/09 12:44 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: onlyakid]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
My t reccomended Allies in healing which my wife read and found very vauable. Once you go that title on amazon other like title will show up. First though check out the books here on site. A portion of the proceedsgo to MS which the organization can well use at this time.

Also just a thought to consider for you and your husband. It is very easy for many survivors who have yet to go through recovery to mistake the residual after effects of abuse for bisexual orientation. Try to stay as level headed as possible in these early stages, particularly until you have both educated yourselves abou this difficult topic. Pleas also encourage you husband to vome and join MS. It is life changing.

Sono


Best wishes,

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#309152 - 11/03/09 01:13 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: onlyakid]
Mike1968 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/14/09
Posts: 117
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: jtt5254
Are you saying what I think your saying that because he is a survivor and because he is tempted to act out that makes him a potential perp to his child?

All my posts say MALE SURVIVOR IN BOLD RED. You need to think before posting. Yes, you are forgiven, no biggie. Let's let the thread get back on track...


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#309164 - 11/03/09 02:32 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
anotherCircle Offline


Registered: 11/02/09
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Oh thank you all so very, very much for replying. I found all of this out Sunday night/Monday morning, but today was easier than yesterday. There is so much to talk about...

One big issue that I have noticed is that my husband feels this is a grave he does not want to dig up. Obviously, the skeleton is out of the closet at the moment but he just wants to forget about it. I can't fix him, and I think that's what hurts the most for me. He keeps telling me he wants to be normal, and that with me, he is normal. He says he is not bisexual anymore, but he has a bisexual nature that he would rather not have. He attributes that, of course, to being molested. He said that he never wants to sleep w/another man because of the aggression that reminds him of being molested. However, he did post the Craigslist ad.

I will definitely pick up some books and PM some of you when I'm not so swamped at work. I have contacted a local community outreach group that does one-on-one counseling on this topic. I'm also seeing a therapist that I lined up for free.

My husband is distraught because he thinks he's screwed up and is going to lose me now, and possibly our son. It hurts to tell him this might be true... anyhow.

Thanks for the replies, they help a lot. Keep em coming!!!

_________________________
"If the world could have remained within a frame, like a picture on a wall, then I think we'd see the beauty, stand staring in awe at our still lives posed, like a bowl of oranges..."

Top
#309195 - 11/03/09 09:41 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 825
Loc: Ohio
Let me give you another perspective. I am bi and a husband. I was also abused as a child. You have to take the whole picture in. My wife knew before we were married. I am a committed christian but I have had sex with males after being a christian but before being married. When I took my vows to marry my wife, I foresook all others, male or female, just like a straight man. As to that issue, his attractions/nature does not affect your marriage as long as he is loyal to his vows and fulfills his role as your mate. The only effect that should have is whether he may enjoy certain acts with you that other males may not and if that is enjoyable for you both, have fun.

Then we move on to the Craigslist ad. That ad is highly suggestive of infidelity. That is unacceptable, you are at risk for diseases and a whole host of potential dangers for you and your baby. I would never do such a thing. Only you know your husband, anyone on this site can only tell you their experiences. Take them all with a grain of salt and your own perspective.

Another thing, which is not necessarily for everyone, my wife encourages me to disclose anything I wish about the abuse I experienced as a child (which was actually experienced over a few weeks but quite horrible). Many other survivors have come to the opposite conclusion in a healthy way that disclosure that it happened and by whom is important but details are best left alone. For me, I am experiencing sudden recall and it is important for me that this story not go untold. She has provided important validation for me in many respects.

Hope this helps you. It is important to be compassionate but also remember you must be rational in your responsibility for your son to provide a stable, safe environment.

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Top
#309284 - 11/04/09 01:12 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: catfish86]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
I wanted to tell you again, in case it got lost in my message above. Try to get your husband to come here and become part of our healing community. You can't do it alone.

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#309410 - 11/05/09 09:56 AM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: sono]
anotherCircle Offline


Registered: 11/02/09
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Good news everyone - we had a long talk last night. We worked things out, I won't go into details because it's a little personal! But we are staying together and have made some ground rules and compromises. He understands that trust is now an issue but he can only repair that with time.

As for the CSA, next week (when the babysitter comes...) we are going out of town and he is going to tell me the full story.

He still feels very ashamed about his past bisexuality.

_________________________
"If the world could have remained within a frame, like a picture on a wall, then I think we'd see the beauty, stand staring in awe at our still lives posed, like a bowl of oranges..."

Top
#309419 - 11/05/09 11:05 AM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
Angelx Offline


Registered: 10/18/09
Posts: 32
Loc: UK
Thats great news, as long as you can still be open and honest with each other there is hope. My partner feels ashamed about so many things - ashamed of what happened to him and ashamed he couldn't stop it, ashamed he has not coped with it better, ashamed at how he takes his anger out on me, I could go on and on. Just wish I could put my hand inside his head and pull out all these irrational feelings he has that he doesn't deserve to have. The shame should be with the abuser not the survivor. x


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#309463 - 11/05/09 07:56 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: Angelx]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 825
Loc: Ohio
One thing you don't understand is rational thought does not apply to these feelings. Another is that even in some of the most brutal abuse, the victim can experience sexual reactions, which in guys can include erections and orgasms (both of which guys can experience during anal intercourse). The erections are the hardest to deal with because you can force most sex acts but you can't really FORCE an erection, the body has to do it as a reaction. Another factor is that many abusers invoke a terror in their victims. Combined with the pleasure reaction it makes you want to please your abuser. I remember deciding that I might die if I don't please him and he can be pleasant when I do. It is survival instinct and brainwashing at its most brutal level. When you carry that out, it produces a lot of shame. It is why it can never be said enough that it wasn't your fault. This is the syndrome that had Shawn Hornbeck denying who he was when recognized, going on field trips and never saying anything. Same with Jaycee Dugard when she answered the phones for her captor's business. In my own case, a couple of hours after he first raped my and my brother, my captor was pulled over by a state trooper and the trooper even looked at me and asked if I was OK because I didn't look to good. I said I was fine.

I have a bachelors in a psychology related field and I have studied this intensely in the last couple of weeks. Rationally, I understand the theory. That doesn't eliminate the feeling of shame, vulnerability and guilt. My wife has told me a number of times that I was an eight year old boy. Her holding me and accepting me does more than all of the above however.



Edited by catfish86 (11/05/09 08:05 PM)
_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Top
#309514 - 11/06/09 10:52 AM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: catfish86]
anotherCircle Offline


Registered: 11/02/09
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Catfish - thanks for that last explanation. You're right - I did not realize. My husband said it's not the anal sex that he prefers, but at one point in his life, he didn't know so he tried things out. I've always been very anti-anal-anything, so it was easier for him to post a CL ad than to tell me the truth about his past and what he likes. Also, he said that from past experience, women would not date him if they knew he was once bisexual. So he stopped telling potential partners, and that meant he had a lie already going into our relationship. Had I of known about all of this, I might have been more open to trying different things in our relationship.

_________________________
"If the world could have remained within a frame, like a picture on a wall, then I think we'd see the beauty, stand staring in awe at our still lives posed, like a bowl of oranges..."

Top
#309515 - 11/06/09 11:07 AM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hi to the People posting in this thread. I don't want to overstep my bounds, but due to the frank direction of this discussion now, I think we need a trigger warning now in that title.

Sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#309516 - 11/06/09 11:47 AM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: sono]
anotherCircle Offline


Registered: 11/02/09
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
oh, sorry...!

_________________________
"If the world could have remained within a frame, like a picture on a wall, then I think we'd see the beauty, stand staring in awe at our still lives posed, like a bowl of oranges..."

Top
#309521 - 11/06/09 12:20 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
NO PROBLEM!!!! That was more to alert a mod to put that in the title...I don't think we can even edit the titles...just to be on the safe side, when talking about graphis sexual stuff you can put at the top of the post something like:


***TRIGGER WARNING**


Then again, I could be making something out of nothing. MS is the place to talk about it all. I'll take this chance again to suggest you urge him to join. It sounds like he could really benefit from being here.

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

Top
#309526 - 11/06/09 01:19 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi anotherCircle,

Quote:
Unfortunately, I can't afford a therapist either


can you at least afford a few relevant books on the subject?

a must for survivors is mike lew's 'victim's no longer', which is pretty much considered a survivors primer. another good one is mic hunter's 'abused boys'.

a favorite that speaks specifically about the impact of same sex abuse is one that comes recommended by richard gartner, former president of our organization, titled 'male victims of same-sex abuse...addressing their sexual response' by john preble and a. nicholas groth.

a therapist experienced in working with male survivor issues can help you both sort out these things. bisexuality itself is not indicative of the presence of pathology since there are as many unique sexual natures as there are unique individuals. it's unfortunate that because sex is still such a taboo subject in our society, that each person is left to make up their own mind about their own erotic interests, based on the framework of the bi-polar model, with heterosexuality on one extreme and homosexuality on the other. the result is usually misinformation, when people only refer to their own limited knowledge base for making determinations about orientation.

one of the positives in your case, is that you seem to be very supportive of him, and that you are avoiding inflaming the situation by throwing the oil of shame on the fire of disclosure [or rather, in this case, discovery]. it is encouraging to see you both keeping open the lines of communication.

in the event that neither therapy nor book resources are possible at this time, at least you can visit the website of joe kort, m.s.w. straight guise, for free, and avail yourself of the marvelous articles he has written for men of all gender persuasions. also, our library has several good articles to check into as well [i sent you a link to it in the welcome message i sent you upon registering]

also, as was implied by another respondent to this thread, the bottom line here is not so much about his orientation, because no matter where it lies on the continuum, your husband must honor the commitment he made to you, and the principles by which you and he agreed to abide in your marriage promise to each other.

all the best to you both,

ron




Edited by Sans Logos (11/06/09 06:40 PM)
Edit Reason: add the link for local MS resouces
_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#309527 - 11/06/09 01:23 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: sono]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
i gave some thought to your idea sono about going back and editing all the post titles to include the trigger warning, but as i thought more about it, not all of the responses warrant a trigger warning. your solution is most likely the best: to add a trigger warning personally when discussing acts that describe and/or evoke sexual images.

thanks everyone,

ron

ps: yes, you can edit the title of the post you are currently making to include a ***trigger*** warning. but remember that the subject line allows a limited amount of characters, so if it's long, something gets truncated by the software.



Edited by Sans Logos (11/06/09 06:46 PM)
Edit Reason: add the ps
_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#309600 - 11/07/09 10:06 AM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: Sans Logos]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 825
Loc: Ohio
One thing I have come to realize in disclosing my memories to my wife is that even though I was not consciously lying to my wife (as a matter of fact I was more bruatally honest about what I was aware of than most), there was a barrier to intimacy there. In the time since there has now been an ease and comfort in lovemaking with my wife that I have never known before. I was actually making love to HER. Before I could never grasp this. You may experience this as well. I don't have to force or manipulate her, she is more comfortable in being with me.

It was discussed in this thread or another that there is lying involved, even though the victim does not really know that they are being deceptive.



Edited by catfish86 (11/07/09 10:08 AM)
_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Top
#309605 - 11/07/09 12:34 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: catfish86]
anotherCircle Offline


Registered: 11/02/09
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Ron - thanks for the suggestions. Yes, I am going to buy several books and it turns out we are going to see a therapist together. My husband has excellent insurance, so as long as he goes, the cost is not an issue. I was surprised that he volunteered to see one with me, since he is not a fan of therapists. This means a lot - that he wants to show me he is committed to working through this.

A few days ago, things were becoming clearer after we had our heart-to-heart. Now, my emotions are conflicting again. On one hand, I want to be supportive of his recovery from the CSA, and accepting of his past bisexuality, and show him that I still love him for who he is. On the other hand, he chose to lie and almost cheat, instead of telling the truth. I understand it took a lot of courage to tell me what he did, but he did it because he knew I was going to leave him. The lie has permeated all my thoughts, everything he says, I question. I want to be intimate/affectionate but part of me is holding back. I feel guilty because it's like I am punishing him when he needs me the most.

Catfish - I am beginning to understand what you mean. There is definitely a deeper acceptance/love but I am still reluctant to give in because I still question if there are more secrets. He says there isn't, so I guess all I can do is trust him or become so paranoid I lose my mind? Perhaps I need to think more about why he lied in the first place.

_________________________
"If the world could have remained within a frame, like a picture on a wall, then I think we'd see the beauty, stand staring in awe at our still lives posed, like a bowl of oranges..."

Top
#309635 - 11/07/09 07:28 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
AnotherCircle,

I understand the idea that your husband is dealing with some degree of sexual identity issues can be a huge hurdle for you to deal with. It's very much outside the box of what you believed your relationship with him consisted of, and even what you believed him to be. It leaves you with all kinds of questions as to where you stand with him and what it means for your relationship. You're not wrong to have these questions and insecurities.

Add to that the fact that while he works on coming to terms with it himself (and trust me it's not most likely something that will happen for him in a few days, weeks, or months) he will be very conflicted himself and probably be all over the spectrum from day to day or week to week.

BUT... There is hope for your relationship! smile Just because this element is part of his life does NOT mean the doom of your hopes and dreams as a couple. Some people believe that the sexual identity issues must be settled, that he must come to terms with the idea that he IS heterosexual for the relationship to be successful. In my opinion that is simply not true. What he must come to terms with is the core issues of his abuse. In working through those things in individual therapy as well as couples work with you he will also be coming to terms with the concept of commitment to his relationship. He'll be learning that relationship with you can be safe.

His sexual id uncertainties will not loom nearly as large the further into the process he gets. He will find that a fulfilling, contented life with you is very possible, even probable in spite of it all if he is dedicated to the process of recovery. Yeah, there will be bumps, panics, and tears for both of you along the way, but recovery IS possible.

That's how I see it. My words do not come without some degree of experiential, personal knowledge of the topic but take them for what they're worth.

Best wishes,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#309637 - 11/07/09 07:50 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 825
Loc: Ohio
Trust is an issue. Ronald Reagan's maxim on nuclear disarmament often applies in other things: Trust but verify. You know what signs you see and don't see. Trust your instincts. I know it sounds like Obi Wan Kenobi saying, "Luke close your eyes and see with the Force." But that is true.

Survivors deeply need your love and support but that is no reason for you to become a victim either. Most victims of crime had a bad feeling about the perp before the crime and most often didn't follow that vibe when they should have. Clearly lay out what is expected, which it sounds like you have, trust them and verify if something doesn't seem right.


Walkingsouth, you are right. It is impractical to expect someone dealing with sexual identity issues to resolve them overnight. You can only expect them to live up to their commitments to you. Remember, being bi still means he is attracted and can enjoy intimacy with you but he must understand that he has committed to you.



Edited by catfish86 (11/07/09 07:54 PM)
_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#310886 - 11/18/09 07:15 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: catfish86]
anotherCircle Offline


Registered: 11/02/09
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Updates:

My H told me about the abuse. Not as bad as I thought but it did happen more than once - he can remember 3 times over the course of the summer when he was 8 yrs old. It may have happened more than that, he doesn't remember everything.

As far as recovery, it's a closed book with him. He is willing to go to therapy, but aside from that, he would rather not think about it.

As for us, we've been living our "normal" lives, or at least acting like it. This past week, I've been happy. But in the back of my mind, I am still reevaluating our entire relationship. Anger, paranoia and the inability to trust him are still holding me back. There are suspicious memories that still don't make sense. He said that I know everything now, there are no lies or secrets, but I have a hard time believing him. It's frustrating, and driving me absolutely nuts.

He's the kind of man that can, obviously, keep a secret all his life and be content with that. I can't keep a secret for more than an hour without it seriously bothering me.

I've been feeling like things were going to work out. Then I remembered something and now I've done a complete 180.

I'm thinking therapy is a really good idea, lol.



Edited by anotherCircle (11/18/09 07:16 PM)
_________________________
"If the world could have remained within a frame, like a picture on a wall, then I think we'd see the beauty, stand staring in awe at our still lives posed, like a bowl of oranges..."

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#310892 - 11/18/09 07:47 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
anotherCircle,

I think you've figured out that you can do nothing about his "stuff" but therapy would definitely be a positive thing for you to pursue. Work on "your stuff" whatever it may be. Heaven knows we all have "stuff" that needs worked on so go for it. There's no shame involved and if you run onto one of your friends that tries to put a shameful twist to it then perhaps they're not as good a friend as you thought they were.

Best of luck smile

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#310899 - 11/18/09 08:05 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: WalkingSouth]
needtobefreed Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 26
Loc: Maryland
anothercircle,

I feel for you. I know this is tough on you, and can't imagine the emotions you must be going through. I have seen some others recommend that you point your husband here. I am going to reiterate that. He really needs help. There is no keeping of a secret your entire life, well, I mean you can of course, but not without a price. I am paying the price now as the stress I have put myself through has broken my body.

_________________________
Michael
Your brother
Alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA. May 2009
Alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA. May 2010


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#311531 - 11/23/09 05:07 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: needtobefreed]
Regs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 149
Loc: Oklahoma


Hang in there and please do seek T help.

Regs



Edited by Regstfon (12/01/09 05:58 PM)
_________________________
WoR Sequoia Alumni, April 2010

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