Newest Members
JayNL, Robert Barrett, lostsoul824, beatcook, MassGuy
12279 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Daniel McKinney (35), Framery (44), JohanDoug (70), ltlkty (55)
Who's Online
1 registered (Cthulhu), 25 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12279 Members
73 Forums
63183 Topics
441800 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 3 of 4 < 1 2 3 4 >
Topic Options
#309514 - 11/06/09 10:52 AM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: catfish86]
anotherCircle Offline


Registered: 11/02/09
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Catfish - thanks for that last explanation. You're right - I did not realize. My husband said it's not the anal sex that he prefers, but at one point in his life, he didn't know so he tried things out. I've always been very anti-anal-anything, so it was easier for him to post a CL ad than to tell me the truth about his past and what he likes. Also, he said that from past experience, women would not date him if they knew he was once bisexual. So he stopped telling potential partners, and that meant he had a lie already going into our relationship. Had I of known about all of this, I might have been more open to trying different things in our relationship.

_________________________
"If the world could have remained within a frame, like a picture on a wall, then I think we'd see the beauty, stand staring in awe at our still lives posed, like a bowl of oranges..."

Top
#309515 - 11/06/09 11:07 AM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hi to the People posting in this thread. I don't want to overstep my bounds, but due to the frank direction of this discussion now, I think we need a trigger warning now in that title.

Sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

Top
#309516 - 11/06/09 11:47 AM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: sono]
anotherCircle Offline


Registered: 11/02/09
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
oh, sorry...!

_________________________
"If the world could have remained within a frame, like a picture on a wall, then I think we'd see the beauty, stand staring in awe at our still lives posed, like a bowl of oranges..."

Top
#309521 - 11/06/09 12:20 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
NO PROBLEM!!!! That was more to alert a mod to put that in the title...I don't think we can even edit the titles...just to be on the safe side, when talking about graphis sexual stuff you can put at the top of the post something like:


***TRIGGER WARNING**


Then again, I could be making something out of nothing. MS is the place to talk about it all. I'll take this chance again to suggest you urge him to join. It sounds like he could really benefit from being here.

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

Top
#309526 - 11/06/09 01:19 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi anotherCircle,

Quote:
Unfortunately, I can't afford a therapist either


can you at least afford a few relevant books on the subject?

a must for survivors is mike lew's 'victim's no longer', which is pretty much considered a survivors primer. another good one is mic hunter's 'abused boys'.

a favorite that speaks specifically about the impact of same sex abuse is one that comes recommended by richard gartner, former president of our organization, titled 'male victims of same-sex abuse...addressing their sexual response' by john preble and a. nicholas groth.

a therapist experienced in working with male survivor issues can help you both sort out these things. bisexuality itself is not indicative of the presence of pathology since there are as many unique sexual natures as there are unique individuals. it's unfortunate that because sex is still such a taboo subject in our society, that each person is left to make up their own mind about their own erotic interests, based on the framework of the bi-polar model, with heterosexuality on one extreme and homosexuality on the other. the result is usually misinformation, when people only refer to their own limited knowledge base for making determinations about orientation.

one of the positives in your case, is that you seem to be very supportive of him, and that you are avoiding inflaming the situation by throwing the oil of shame on the fire of disclosure [or rather, in this case, discovery]. it is encouraging to see you both keeping open the lines of communication.

in the event that neither therapy nor book resources are possible at this time, at least you can visit the website of joe kort, m.s.w. straight guise, for free, and avail yourself of the marvelous articles he has written for men of all gender persuasions. also, our library has several good articles to check into as well [i sent you a link to it in the welcome message i sent you upon registering]

also, as was implied by another respondent to this thread, the bottom line here is not so much about his orientation, because no matter where it lies on the continuum, your husband must honor the commitment he made to you, and the principles by which you and he agreed to abide in your marriage promise to each other.

all the best to you both,

ron




Edited by Sans Logos (11/06/09 06:40 PM)
Edit Reason: add the link for local MS resouces
_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#309527 - 11/06/09 01:23 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: sono]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
i gave some thought to your idea sono about going back and editing all the post titles to include the trigger warning, but as i thought more about it, not all of the responses warrant a trigger warning. your solution is most likely the best: to add a trigger warning personally when discussing acts that describe and/or evoke sexual images.

thanks everyone,

ron

ps: yes, you can edit the title of the post you are currently making to include a ***trigger*** warning. but remember that the subject line allows a limited amount of characters, so if it's long, something gets truncated by the software.



Edited by Sans Logos (11/06/09 06:46 PM)
Edit Reason: add the ps
_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#309600 - 11/07/09 10:06 AM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: Sans Logos]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 820
Loc: Ohio
One thing I have come to realize in disclosing my memories to my wife is that even though I was not consciously lying to my wife (as a matter of fact I was more bruatally honest about what I was aware of than most), there was a barrier to intimacy there. In the time since there has now been an ease and comfort in lovemaking with my wife that I have never known before. I was actually making love to HER. Before I could never grasp this. You may experience this as well. I don't have to force or manipulate her, she is more comfortable in being with me.

It was discussed in this thread or another that there is lying involved, even though the victim does not really know that they are being deceptive.



Edited by catfish86 (11/07/09 10:08 AM)
_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Top
#309605 - 11/07/09 12:34 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: catfish86]
anotherCircle Offline


Registered: 11/02/09
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Ron - thanks for the suggestions. Yes, I am going to buy several books and it turns out we are going to see a therapist together. My husband has excellent insurance, so as long as he goes, the cost is not an issue. I was surprised that he volunteered to see one with me, since he is not a fan of therapists. This means a lot - that he wants to show me he is committed to working through this.

A few days ago, things were becoming clearer after we had our heart-to-heart. Now, my emotions are conflicting again. On one hand, I want to be supportive of his recovery from the CSA, and accepting of his past bisexuality, and show him that I still love him for who he is. On the other hand, he chose to lie and almost cheat, instead of telling the truth. I understand it took a lot of courage to tell me what he did, but he did it because he knew I was going to leave him. The lie has permeated all my thoughts, everything he says, I question. I want to be intimate/affectionate but part of me is holding back. I feel guilty because it's like I am punishing him when he needs me the most.

Catfish - I am beginning to understand what you mean. There is definitely a deeper acceptance/love but I am still reluctant to give in because I still question if there are more secrets. He says there isn't, so I guess all I can do is trust him or become so paranoid I lose my mind? Perhaps I need to think more about why he lied in the first place.

_________________________
"If the world could have remained within a frame, like a picture on a wall, then I think we'd see the beauty, stand staring in awe at our still lives posed, like a bowl of oranges..."

Top
#309635 - 11/07/09 07:28 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
AnotherCircle,

I understand the idea that your husband is dealing with some degree of sexual identity issues can be a huge hurdle for you to deal with. It's very much outside the box of what you believed your relationship with him consisted of, and even what you believed him to be. It leaves you with all kinds of questions as to where you stand with him and what it means for your relationship. You're not wrong to have these questions and insecurities.

Add to that the fact that while he works on coming to terms with it himself (and trust me it's not most likely something that will happen for him in a few days, weeks, or months) he will be very conflicted himself and probably be all over the spectrum from day to day or week to week.

BUT... There is hope for your relationship! smile Just because this element is part of his life does NOT mean the doom of your hopes and dreams as a couple. Some people believe that the sexual identity issues must be settled, that he must come to terms with the idea that he IS heterosexual for the relationship to be successful. In my opinion that is simply not true. What he must come to terms with is the core issues of his abuse. In working through those things in individual therapy as well as couples work with you he will also be coming to terms with the concept of commitment to his relationship. He'll be learning that relationship with you can be safe.

His sexual id uncertainties will not loom nearly as large the further into the process he gets. He will find that a fulfilling, contented life with you is very possible, even probable in spite of it all if he is dedicated to the process of recovery. Yeah, there will be bumps, panics, and tears for both of you along the way, but recovery IS possible.

That's how I see it. My words do not come without some degree of experiential, personal knowledge of the topic but take them for what they're worth.

Best wishes,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#309637 - 11/07/09 07:50 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 820
Loc: Ohio
Trust is an issue. Ronald Reagan's maxim on nuclear disarmament often applies in other things: Trust but verify. You know what signs you see and don't see. Trust your instincts. I know it sounds like Obi Wan Kenobi saying, "Luke close your eyes and see with the Force." But that is true.

Survivors deeply need your love and support but that is no reason for you to become a victim either. Most victims of crime had a bad feeling about the perp before the crime and most often didn't follow that vibe when they should have. Clearly lay out what is expected, which it sounds like you have, trust them and verify if something doesn't seem right.


Walkingsouth, you are right. It is impractical to expect someone dealing with sexual identity issues to resolve them overnight. You can only expect them to live up to their commitments to you. Remember, being bi still means he is attracted and can enjoy intimacy with you but he must understand that he has committed to you.



Edited by catfish86 (11/07/09 07:54 PM)
_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Top
Page 3 of 4 < 1 2 3 4 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.