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#309097 - 11/02/09 10:49 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
emmy Offline


Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 9
Sorry. That seems like a painful way to find out. It was hard for me to hear when my H told me. He was sexually abused as a child and is bi as well. I haven't known for very long. We have 2 kids and they are really young. That adds another dimension to the whole situation. I am trying to read a book called Allies in Healing. I can't recommend it yet because I just started but for me it is a starting place for my healing. Therapy is good too but yes $$$$. So remember we are all here for you too! Take care.


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#309100 - 11/02/09 11:20 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
I will second the opinion that a good book on dealing with being a spouse of an abuse survivor is needed. I'm not sure about what to get but I know books have given me a great insight into myself along with stuff I've read here.

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#309147 - 11/03/09 12:44 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: onlyakid]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
My t reccomended Allies in healing which my wife read and found very vauable. Once you go that title on amazon other like title will show up. First though check out the books here on site. A portion of the proceedsgo to MS which the organization can well use at this time.

Also just a thought to consider for you and your husband. It is very easy for many survivors who have yet to go through recovery to mistake the residual after effects of abuse for bisexual orientation. Try to stay as level headed as possible in these early stages, particularly until you have both educated yourselves abou this difficult topic. Pleas also encourage you husband to vome and join MS. It is life changing.

Sono


Best wishes,

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#309152 - 11/03/09 01:13 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: onlyakid]
Mike1968 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/14/09
Posts: 117
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: jtt5254
Are you saying what I think your saying that because he is a survivor and because he is tempted to act out that makes him a potential perp to his child?

All my posts say MALE SURVIVOR IN BOLD RED. You need to think before posting. Yes, you are forgiven, no biggie. Let's let the thread get back on track...


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#309164 - 11/03/09 02:32 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
anotherCircle Offline


Registered: 11/02/09
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Oh thank you all so very, very much for replying. I found all of this out Sunday night/Monday morning, but today was easier than yesterday. There is so much to talk about...

One big issue that I have noticed is that my husband feels this is a grave he does not want to dig up. Obviously, the skeleton is out of the closet at the moment but he just wants to forget about it. I can't fix him, and I think that's what hurts the most for me. He keeps telling me he wants to be normal, and that with me, he is normal. He says he is not bisexual anymore, but he has a bisexual nature that he would rather not have. He attributes that, of course, to being molested. He said that he never wants to sleep w/another man because of the aggression that reminds him of being molested. However, he did post the Craigslist ad.

I will definitely pick up some books and PM some of you when I'm not so swamped at work. I have contacted a local community outreach group that does one-on-one counseling on this topic. I'm also seeing a therapist that I lined up for free.

My husband is distraught because he thinks he's screwed up and is going to lose me now, and possibly our son. It hurts to tell him this might be true... anyhow.

Thanks for the replies, they help a lot. Keep em coming!!!

_________________________
"If the world could have remained within a frame, like a picture on a wall, then I think we'd see the beauty, stand staring in awe at our still lives posed, like a bowl of oranges..."

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#309195 - 11/03/09 09:41 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 820
Loc: Ohio
Let me give you another perspective. I am bi and a husband. I was also abused as a child. You have to take the whole picture in. My wife knew before we were married. I am a committed christian but I have had sex with males after being a christian but before being married. When I took my vows to marry my wife, I foresook all others, male or female, just like a straight man. As to that issue, his attractions/nature does not affect your marriage as long as he is loyal to his vows and fulfills his role as your mate. The only effect that should have is whether he may enjoy certain acts with you that other males may not and if that is enjoyable for you both, have fun.

Then we move on to the Craigslist ad. That ad is highly suggestive of infidelity. That is unacceptable, you are at risk for diseases and a whole host of potential dangers for you and your baby. I would never do such a thing. Only you know your husband, anyone on this site can only tell you their experiences. Take them all with a grain of salt and your own perspective.

Another thing, which is not necessarily for everyone, my wife encourages me to disclose anything I wish about the abuse I experienced as a child (which was actually experienced over a few weeks but quite horrible). Many other survivors have come to the opposite conclusion in a healthy way that disclosure that it happened and by whom is important but details are best left alone. For me, I am experiencing sudden recall and it is important for me that this story not go untold. She has provided important validation for me in many respects.

Hope this helps you. It is important to be compassionate but also remember you must be rational in your responsibility for your son to provide a stable, safe environment.

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#309284 - 11/04/09 01:12 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: catfish86]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
I wanted to tell you again, in case it got lost in my message above. Try to get your husband to come here and become part of our healing community. You can't do it alone.

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#309410 - 11/05/09 09:56 AM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: sono]
anotherCircle Offline


Registered: 11/02/09
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Good news everyone - we had a long talk last night. We worked things out, I won't go into details because it's a little personal! But we are staying together and have made some ground rules and compromises. He understands that trust is now an issue but he can only repair that with time.

As for the CSA, next week (when the babysitter comes...) we are going out of town and he is going to tell me the full story.

He still feels very ashamed about his past bisexuality.

_________________________
"If the world could have remained within a frame, like a picture on a wall, then I think we'd see the beauty, stand staring in awe at our still lives posed, like a bowl of oranges..."

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#309419 - 11/05/09 11:05 AM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
Angelx Offline


Registered: 10/18/09
Posts: 32
Loc: UK
Thats great news, as long as you can still be open and honest with each other there is hope. My partner feels ashamed about so many things - ashamed of what happened to him and ashamed he couldn't stop it, ashamed he has not coped with it better, ashamed at how he takes his anger out on me, I could go on and on. Just wish I could put my hand inside his head and pull out all these irrational feelings he has that he doesn't deserve to have. The shame should be with the abuser not the survivor. x


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#309463 - 11/05/09 07:56 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: Angelx]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 820
Loc: Ohio
One thing you don't understand is rational thought does not apply to these feelings. Another is that even in some of the most brutal abuse, the victim can experience sexual reactions, which in guys can include erections and orgasms (both of which guys can experience during anal intercourse). The erections are the hardest to deal with because you can force most sex acts but you can't really FORCE an erection, the body has to do it as a reaction. Another factor is that many abusers invoke a terror in their victims. Combined with the pleasure reaction it makes you want to please your abuser. I remember deciding that I might die if I don't please him and he can be pleasant when I do. It is survival instinct and brainwashing at its most brutal level. When you carry that out, it produces a lot of shame. It is why it can never be said enough that it wasn't your fault. This is the syndrome that had Shawn Hornbeck denying who he was when recognized, going on field trips and never saying anything. Same with Jaycee Dugard when she answered the phones for her captor's business. In my own case, a couple of hours after he first raped my and my brother, my captor was pulled over by a state trooper and the trooper even looked at me and asked if I was OK because I didn't look to good. I said I was fine.

I have a bachelors in a psychology related field and I have studied this intensely in the last couple of weeks. Rationally, I understand the theory. That doesn't eliminate the feeling of shame, vulnerability and guilt. My wife has told me a number of times that I was an eight year old boy. Her holding me and accepting me does more than all of the above however.



Edited by catfish86 (11/05/09 08:05 PM)
_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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