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#309036 - 11/02/09 02:13 PM My husband told me he is bi **trigger warning**
anotherCircle Offline


Registered: 11/02/09
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Hi everyone,

I really need someone to talk to.

My husband and I have been married for 6 years and we have a 7 month old son. Yesterday, I caught him on Craiglist under "casual encounters." This led to him telling me that he is bisexual, has had boyfriends in the past (and girlfriends of course) and he was molested when he was 8 by a 13 year old boy. He has never cheated on me, and I'm in more pain because of the pain I see him going through than what I am feeling. He said he has never told anyone about being molested other than a close friend and two therapists. His parents don't even know. He has never told anyone about being bi (other than of course, partners...)

I don't know what's going to happen to our relationship, our family and if it weren't for our son, I'd probably go off the deep end. I really need a friend to talk to, but don't have anyone... and I can't talk to family because it's not my secret to tell. Unfortunately, I can't afford a therapist either.



Edited by anotherCircle (11/07/09 11:51 AM)
_________________________
"If the world could have remained within a frame, like a picture on a wall, then I think we'd see the beauty, stand staring in awe at our still lives posed, like a bowl of oranges..."

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#309041 - 11/02/09 02:49 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
h.beat,h.break Offline


Registered: 06/05/09
Posts: 124
Loc: New York
I'm not married or anything, but I'm here to listen. Feel free to PM me whenever you feel like it.

_________________________
Hey, if "black sheep" means you're the only non-douche of the family, take that with some pride.

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#309044 - 11/02/09 03:01 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: h.beat,h.break]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I'm so sorry you had to find out the way you did and that you have to deal with this. I as well am here for you. Feel free to reach out. I'll do the best I can to help.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#309055 - 11/02/09 03:38 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: dangal]
Angelx Offline


Registered: 10/18/09
Posts: 32
Loc: UK
Hi, anothercircle. I have to keep my partner's secret too as he is adamant he never wants anyone else to know. So it becomes our secret which means I have to shut my emotions off from family and friends so that they don't guess anything is wrong. When things get bad, I really wish I could turn to someone else for support but then I'd have to tell them the whole story so instead I just have to take myself off somewhere, have a good cry, talk to my mum (whose in heaven)then pull myself together again and face the music. I know it must be horrible for them as survivors but its not easy for us either. We're the ones that have to stay strong no matter what. Hope it helps to know you are not alone x


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#309057 - 11/02/09 03:54 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: Angelx]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Also like I said to someone in another thread, I'm in a support group for spouses. Look into it. It is a safe place to talk to about your feelings with other people who totally get how you feel because they are living the same life as you. Look into it, I highly suggest it.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#309072 - 11/02/09 05:23 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: dangal]
Mike1968 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/14/09
Posts: 117
Loc: California
Hi anothercircle. I can only imagine what you are enduring. A support group was mentioned, that sounds like a great start.

The "Now I think I am gay or bisexual" from your hubby after building a life with you...his making promises then decide it all suddenly worthless is mindboggling.

Now he thinks he can surf the web to meetup for sex with strangers, all while you cover up for him. It sounds like the molestation is just an excuse for him to get you to allow him to continue to commit these horrendous actions against you and the baby.

Then after all of this, to ask you to NOT utilize your own family as a support system to cope with his sinister abuse perpetrated against you is beyond words..

You not only have the right to utilize your trusted loved ones, your family as a support system, you have a right not to be abused in this manner. Please call a local Shelter for advice and support groups.
Covering up for his evil so he can continue on to hurt his family won't help but hurt you.
It's time he get into therapy, cease this surfing for anonymous sex. If not, he needs to remove himself from your home immediately.
He shouldn't be alone with the baby either.

Hopefully you can set some boundaries to keep yourself and your baby safe. No more abuse. You took a giant step with this post, I am proud of you.



Mike






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#309082 - 11/02/09 07:11 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: Mike1968]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Originally Posted By: Mike1968
He shouldn't be alone with the baby either.


Are you saying what I think your saying that because he is a survivor and because he is tempted to act out that makes him a potential perp to his child?

Originally Posted By: Another Circle
He has never cheated on me


_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#309083 - 11/02/09 07:23 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: Mike1968]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Hi Anothercircle,

My heart just absolutely breaks when I read a post such as yours.
Please know that you are not alone and that you will get a lot of support here.

I can so relate to your post as I endured the same thing with my now ex boy friend of two years ago. I too thought we had made a vow to be in a committed monogamous relationship with one another and that we were building our lives together, only to find out that he too was surfing Craigslist for sex with men in my absence.

Needless to say, it was very devastating and the fear I felt then and still do today in regards to what if he gave me some terrible STD or HIV, even though my physician has put me thru multiple tests, will probably be something that will now haunt me forever. Thank God I am now in a relationship with a wonderful man that understands!

I think Mike made some really good points in his post above. I don't think it is fair to abuse a person in this manner and then expect them to keep the "secret" all to themselves so that the individual doesn't have to take responsibility for his adult actions. Had I not had the support of my counselors, family, dearest friends and pastors during this most difficult time, I am not sure what I would have done! There were many a days that just knowing I had someone to talk to kept me from losing it totally....it is a very sickening feeling! I think if you keep this a "secret", you are giving him way too much power and also are making a statement that your life and that of your child is not as important as his.

You don't really say in your post if your husband has actually met up with any of these men that you saw him surfing on Craigslist for, but I hope and pray that you are doing everything in your power to make sure that you are physically safe! This is very risky business!

As Mike also states, you have a right to not be abused in this manner. Please do what you need to do to take care of you and your child. You deserve better!

Lou


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#309089 - 11/02/09 09:25 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
anotherCircle Offline


Registered: 11/02/09
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Thanks for the the input... some of it, not what I expected.

I'm not here to argue with anyone, that is the last thing I need. So I'm not going to defend myself, or my husband, on points and assumptions that I know are wrong.

This is something completely knew to me and I'm unfamiliar with the emotions and path of recovery that a male victim experiences/needs. I am in so much pain because of the pain I know he has held inside, and I feel as though I have been the one molested. I don't mean to make this all about me. Like he told me this afternoon... he's had 22 years to live with this, he hardly thinks about it anymore, but it's hit me like a baseball bat and knocked me off my feet. So detached, so many tears!!!! Then I think, I'm 24 and barely coping. What did it do to an EIGHT year old? It breaks my heart over and over.

I just don't know anymore. If there's one thing I learned so far, it's that no one can tell me what to do... I have to figure this out all by myself. In the mean time, our son is safe, I know this much. And I'll continue to do what is best for him.

Jas





Edited by anotherCircle (11/02/09 09:26 PM)
_________________________
"If the world could have remained within a frame, like a picture on a wall, then I think we'd see the beauty, stand staring in awe at our still lives posed, like a bowl of oranges..."

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#309096 - 11/02/09 10:48 PM Re: My husband told me he is bi and more [Re: anotherCircle]
PatchworkMama Offline


Registered: 01/24/09
Posts: 54
Loc: Iowa
OMG Jas....

Your story could be my story. I cried so hard it hurt when I read your post. I was where you are only a month or so ago. I am also completely alone. I have 4 children. I feel much the same as you.... I need a friend too... PM me if you'd like. You don't have to go through this alone.

Shawn


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