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#30884 - 11/06/03 07:02 AM Why?
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5378
Loc: Washington State
Brothers,

As I look back on my life I seem to only see how I failed people. For those that don't know I used to work as an Advocate. I have also worked as a CASA. I only seem to see where I failed in people's lives. I wish to learn how to be a better Advocate so I would like to post this. I am working on starting a flyer about male victims and ways to reach them. What I am paining on doing is printing/emailing/posting on my website and Advocate sites. I want to give people a better understanding of why male victims don't speak out about their abuse. How we all stereotype males, how and why males remain the silent victims.

I would like to know what everyone's thoughts and ideas are on this topic. I feel a sense of great knowledge on this topic from everyone here. This site has a wide range of people on it. I want to make my writing as complete and accurate as possible. So please please post any thoughts or ideas that you have.

Lots of love, Nathan


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#30885 - 11/06/03 08:15 AM Re: Why?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Nathan this is a good idea.


Why????

For me it was the shame, self loathing and the fear of rejection by society that kept me from speaking out.
Self loathing because I was 16 and thought I could prevent it. Self loathing because some of if felt good. I mean I was sexually aroused by it.

Shame because I let it go on for nearly 9 months and because I became a male prostitute for 3 years because of it. Self Loathing there too. Additionally the shame of re-enacting my abuse over the years with total strangers.

Finally FEAR of REJECTION. I think that this is the biggest one of all. I felt that if my peers or friends or family knew they would reject me as a human being and I would be totally an outcast and my only purpose would be to satisfy the perverted fantasies of some really sick men. I think that the fear over the years nearly tore me apart and led me to the edge of sanity and death on several occasions.

Hope this helps you. This is from the perspective of a 62 year old (nearly 63) and also reflects the standards in place as a teenager in the late 50's.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#30886 - 11/06/03 09:15 AM Re: Why?
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5378
Loc: Washington State
MIke,

It takes alot of strength to pull from our past abuse in hopes that it will help someone. I know for my self their was alot of fear. Fear of what people might think of me. "He had sex with a man, he must be gay." Or "he got a hardon so he enjoyed it." I have sadly heard these phrased in my mind. I know that some people think this way and I was afraid. Afraid that people would know how weak I am (was), that I could not stop it.

Society seems to over look the facts about SA on male victims. I have heard from several T's that I use to work with that SA effects males just the same as females. I must whole heartily disagree with that statement. Yes SA does have some of the same effects on both male and female victims. But on males there are totally different views from society. Men are supposed to be stronger so how could they have been abuse. The am I gay cause I am gay, or because of the abuse. Or I got a hardon so I must have enjoyed it. etc......

I guess that bring these issues or worried up now has helped me. I have learned a great deal from reviewing my past. I always say, "I want to save the world." If I can help just one person then I have saved the world for one person. I am looking forward to seeing what the rest of my brothers have to say on this topic.

Lots of love, Nathan


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#30887 - 11/06/03 10:27 AM Re: Why?
Joey G. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/03
Posts: 28
Loc: FL
Nathan, my response would be pretty much the same as Mike Church's. \:\(


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#30888 - 11/06/03 03:12 PM Re: Why?
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Why?

I wish that I knew the answer. As Jeff said I've got a million of them and they all seemed right at the time. Part of the confusion is that when the abuse happened, in my case when I was 11-13 years old, I really trusted the guy who did it. He was like a big brother, he was someone that I could talk to, he was someone that I could confide in. I just couldn't admit to myself that I had been so thoroughly fooled. I thought that there must have been something that I did, the way I acted, something that I said that caused him to do it. I just could not accept the fact that I had been used. Yes, I enjoyed parts of it. I liked the attention. I liked the feelings of arousal and ejaculation. But the shame and self hatred afterward were overwhelming. In the late 50's when the abuse occurred the worst thing that you could call one of your male peers was 'fag' or 'queer'. It was damning. For me to think of myself in these terms because of what had happened was devastating to me. The fact that I let him do it more than once was proof to me that I was utterly defective and worthless. I knew that my whole life was a fraud from then on.

I didn't tell anyone about it, anyone at all, for over 38 years. In that time I re-enacted the abuse so many times and in so many ways, always numbing out, always feeling worthless afterwards. I was so afraid that someone would find out, that they would hate me, that I would lose everyone I loved. I finally reached the breaking point. I had to talk to someone about it. I finally did on my 50th birthday. That was about six years ago next month. It was never easy but it sure was worth doing.

I hope that gives you some insight Nathan. I don't know to this day why it took so long for me to start to deal with it. I envy those younger guys here who are facing the abuse now and starting to heal. I know that I wasn't willing to back then.

Take good care of yourself. You can't heal the entire world, you can't be responsible for anyone's healing but your own.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#30889 - 11/06/03 06:45 PM Re: Why?
Clark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/19/03
Posts: 3
Loc: PA
can someone help me I am 23 yrs. old and I was victim of sexual abuse by mother. it is starting to destroy my life. I want to heal but, the more I try the more I remember and the worse it gets for everyone around me. Can anyone help me?


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#30890 - 11/06/03 09:56 PM Re: Why?
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Clark,

It is terrible that your mother would abuse you. It is terrible that any adult would abuse any child. Many of us did suffer that way, though, and we help one another through mutual support here.

Look at the posts here. It's shameful to the perps, (not to us, always the shame belongs to the perps) that there are so many of us who have been abused. We are turning our numbers to our advantage by helping each other.

You have taken a big step by coming here to write about what happened to you. The most important step is that first one.

Do you have a therapist? I know that I would not be able to deal with the effects the rapes had in my life if I were not working with a good therapist now. Your profile says, "PA." You can look up the local rape crisis centers from the listings online at RAINN and find something local to you. If you're in Wyoming Valley, the ladies who led the "Blowing In The Wind" workshop at our recent conference are in Wilkes Barre, at the Victims\' Resource Center . Hazel and Tammi were very helpful to me.

I hope you recognize that you are not alone in this struggle, and you did nothing wrong. You did not deserve to be abused, but now you deserve to heal.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#30891 - 11/06/03 10:32 PM Re: Why?
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Nathan, here is some reasons I got from the men here:

• I knew I would not be believed
• I was afraid for my life
• My mother and father assaulted me, who was I to tell
• I did tell and was sent home to receive a severe beating
• I was told not to tell “or else”
• I was told I would be accused of starting it
• I was told it was me, or my little brother would get it
• I was told it was me, or my sister would get it
• I did not know who to tell
• He told me this is the special way guys show they love each other
• I didn’t know it was wrong at first
• I was afraid I would be punished
• I liked it at first, the oral part, then, when I didn’t like it, I was afraid I would be blamed for all of it
• I did not tell because I was certain that no one in the whole world had had that done to them—just dogs do that. It was funny watching the dogs. It was not funny when it was done to me.
• It was the adults who made the rules. What would telling have to do with it?
• I did tell and then was told I was a very bad boy for saying such an awful thing about such a good man
• I was afraid of rejection by my friends
• I was afraid of being teased
• I told, and nothing happened, except older boys started to do the same ”kind of games.”

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#30892 - 11/07/03 12:32 AM Re: Why?
gryffindor Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/03
Posts: 131
Loc: St. Charles, Illinois
Nathan,

Another member said the following about his rape:

I told my parents, and they said nothing and did nothing.

I told the police, and they said nothing and did nothing.


Mary

_________________________
"Where there's a will, there's a way." American Folk Saying

"Had I not fallen, I could not have arisen; had I not sat in darkness, I would not have recognized the light." Midrash Tehillim Ch. 22

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#30893 - 11/07/03 06:09 AM Re: Why?
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
There is so much, to answer that question. Answers may trigger.


Why did I not tell then? He threaten me, my life. He threaten my mom, my gran, and he tell me that bad, shit, lying little boys like me, I will be taken away of my home, put away in orphan home. They are getting some better, but orphanage in Russia, it was not good place then. He tell me that my mother is beautiful woman, and perhaps she would like 'company' of him. He tell me that noone will ever believe me, that I am stupid, basterd faggot boy. The one time I try tell someone of him, it is member of sport federation. I think I am being brave, smart, and it is friend of him. Can not say what happen of that, can not say that here, not now.

Why do I not tell now? Why do I not tell of what he did then, why do I not tell of what he did just few months ago when I confront him? Because it is shame, embarrassing at me. Because now I am adult, and I let it happen again, I let him hurt me, even if it is not same way. I am embarrased because now I am at least taller of him, I should be big enough, strong enough to make it not happen and I fail of it. Because it will still be so hard at my mom and family if I speak of it in public. Because I still have too much trouble in emotion of all this, emotion of what he did at me, of what father did, of how I still feel so bad on myself of it all. I can tell of it here because no one here knows me in 'real life', no one here knows my family, no one knows him, the situation. But I can not still even face it, to speak fully of it in therapy, or with closest friend in 'real life', in person. I can not do that even, how is it I can tell of him now? Or of father, or even of what my mom maybe did that is wrong?

I am sorry, am sick and not feeling so good and tired right now, feel it is all over me again.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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