I dont know why this guy did it, he was 13 or 14 I was like 7 or 8 but I kept going back over there and he kept doing the same thing to me over and over again, it hurt and I was scared shitless but I kept coming back

Hi, Sport.

I am not sure in your case why you went back.

I went back because I in my child mind thought it was fun and I idolized him. I was little and kids - boys - congregate to older boys naturally.

Your not alone,

Peace,
DJ

I wasn't in that spot. Instead the only friend that showed any attention to me was gay. But, I was starved for attention. I was desperate. We were the same age, and in that case I chalk that part of my history up to experimentation. But I can say at least I know I'm NOT gay. It's not my cup of tea.

Maybe because you were a kid and enjoyed the attention. Maybe curious, afraid, liked feeling special with an older friend. Who knows or remembers exactly. One thing is for sure. Don't feel guilty about it for even one second. You were the victim, not an equal in the situation.

sportin
I don't have an answer for you but have been there and know your struggle with this.

Just know that you are not alone.

Sam

The loneliness and abandonment was worse than the pain. So I kept coming back.

I had no place else to go.

s

yep....

I do not know why the perps do this..in some articles I read, it is clear they learn or try this activity from another abuser..so in some views the perp is repeating behaviour the perp has been a party to...and it keeps going... In my case it was at first family..so I was too young to even process the abuse much less be a runaway. We were in the suburbs, I could go to school and have a few friends..but each nite I had to be in that house....

Its such completely draining confusion...we unconciously repeat the victim part to either survive, have a roof over our head , or get some attention... I dont think there is a rational explanation , that an outsider would understand... and I feel we survivors beat ourselves up too much on this issue. I cannot change what happened..but I can make choices today, about fitness, diet,what I read and where I walk. Some of our brothers in survival, cannot even do this stuff..they may be physically challenged, incarcerated or bed ridden...soooo its vital that the guys like me and you, push onward...clearing a path for that new guy that may very well come into MS today or tomorrow.and seek our community..HUGS/ JEFF

Well said Jeff

I know this is confusing for me to deal with. In my case, it was an uncle from my deceased dad's side of the family. My brother and I were "invited to visit" for the summer. It turned out we were not free to leave. We were abused, brutalized and terrified. I actually sought to please him and did not grasp opportunities to leave. My mother eventually joined us, only to be in the same situation (I can't remember anything she might have suffered and only now remember what happened to me). If you read the stories of Shawn Hornbeck, Jaycee Dugard and Steven Stayner, it is common though. Shawn Hornbeck has been concerned that people understand his actions. That was what finally released my memories was his explanation of the deal with the devil. I wanted a father badly, I was subjected to pain I could never have imagined as a 9yo in ways I couldn't understand, I was terrorized. Yet I heard my mother plotting our departure and was ready to tell on her. What exactly happened in my mind will take a long time to understand.