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#30797 - 05/17/02 07:23 AM Hi / my story (abused by sister)
Frankie Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/17/02
Posts: 5
Loc: The Netherlands
Hi all,

I'm Frank, and I just found this forum today. Let me introduce myself; I'm 37, live in the Netherlands, and am currently recovering from a depression. \:\(

English isn't my native language, so I hope you will forgive me if I make some spelling-mistakes. If someting in my postings isn't clear, feel free to ask. \:\)

I've been struggling with the psychological consequences of abuse I suffered when I was in my teens. The fact that the one who abused me was my sister makes things even worse, since it is hard to make people understand why it happened. When I tell someone about it, they won't even believe me; for them, it's impossible for a man to be sexually abused by a woman. Some think that I was the abuser, and others just laugh and can't understand why I am making such a big deal out of it.

Well, it IS hard to explain it all, since I was stronger than my sister and could have easily prevented the abuse, but she used blackmail-tactics to 'control' me, and she knew that, when I would dare tell anyone, she was the one who was going to be believed.
She had complete control over me, and I didn't know how I could 'escape' her.

She abused me for 7 years almost every day, and made me do things that were very humiliating and degrading. She also involved some of her friends, which made it even worse.

It's hard to find a place where I can talk about it, because most 'abuse-forums' are for the benefit of women abused by men, and some (like this one) for men abused by men, but I don't know of one for men abused by women. If someone here knows of such a forum or site, please tell me. In the meantime, I hope I can tell my story here?

[ May 21, 2002: Message edited by: Frankie ]

[ May 28, 2002: Message edited by: Frankie ]


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#30798 - 05/17/02 12:04 PM Re: Hi / my story (abused by sister)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Frankie
I'm a relative newcomer to this site and it caters for all kinds.
My view is that abuse is abuse, there's no hard and fast boundaries, and the "sexual aspect" isn't the most damaging, it's the abuse of power they had over us.
And as for your English, well it's no problem, like most Europeans your command of English puts us English folk to shame, most of us still believe that shouting at foreigners is all we need to do !
I hope you gain as much from this site as I do, there's some good people here.
Lloydy \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#30799 - 05/17/02 01:18 PM Re: Hi / my story (abused by sister)
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 990
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Frank,

Welcome to our site. Not all the people here have been abused my men. This is a site for men who have been abused. So you are at the right place. Feel free to stop by the chat room, I know with the time difference it may be hard to find someone in there, but we do have occasional participants from Europe.

I know you have a hard time speaking to others about your abuse, because they cannot or will not believe a man can be abused by a woman. It is a matter of control and we have been raised not to hurt women. that can give them an unexpected power over us. I am sorry for what happened to you and welcome you here.

Ken

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

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#30800 - 05/17/02 02:13 PM Re: Hi / my story (abused by sister)
Frankie Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/17/02
Posts: 5
Loc: The Netherlands
Thank you. It's indeed hard to talk about it, because even when I 'KNOW' the people here won't make fun of me and will believe me, I 'FEEL' fear to be ridiculed and shame for what has happened. However, I also know I will have to talk about it eventually, or it will haunt me forever. I never told anyone of my family, never told the police, never talked about it with a psychiatrist, and only one of my friends knows about it.

Anyway, it started when I was 16, and I caught my sister playing with herself. She was VERY angry that I had seen her touch herself, and ordered me to show her my dick as a sort of a 'tradeoff' (you saw mine, now I must see yours). When I refused, she treatened me that she would tell our parents that I had touched her, and that they would believe her (At the time, she was 'favorite', and always got her way in arguments between us. Our parents always took her side). When I told her she was bluffing, she called out for 'mum', who luckely didn't her her. So, I did what she asked as quickly as possible, to make her stop screaming. She used this, and other, kind of blackmail time after time again thereafter. The 'I show you if you show me' 'game' was just the beginning, however. She loved the power she had over me, and she demanded more and more, using me as she pleased. She had to be satisfied (manually and orally), but during these 'games' I was never allowed to get an orgasm myself. She would often tease me, by kissing me, stroking my dick, etc., but told me that she would punish me (by telling lies to mum and dad) if I dared to come. I wasn't allowed to have a girlfriend, because she wanted me all to herself. The most degrading experience I had was when she ordered me to jerk off in front of her and 2 of her friends, forbidding me climax. I had to fight back an orgasm while 3 girls watched me and giggled, making fun of me.
When I was 19, she caught me masturbating and forbid me to EVER reach an orgasm, even when she wasn't around, telling me that if she would ever catch me again she would have to 'punish me'. The only way in which I could climax, she told me, was to fuck her (I never had to do that before). After that, things got even worse, but I will save that for another time. I know it's probably hard to imagine, but I can hardly even type now. It's just too difficult to talk about it now. Sorry.
I hope that someone will believe me, because, reading back, it all sounds so weired.


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#30801 - 05/17/02 08:21 PM Re: Hi / my story (abused by sister)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Don't say sorry Frankie, you don't need to.

Abuse is a difficult thing to overcome, the guilt is with us to our very core, but with work and help it gets easier to deal with.
This is a good place to start, and I know how hard it is to reveal your past. But I bet your load is already lighter.
Stay with us.
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#30802 - 05/17/02 10:15 PM Re: Hi / my story (abused by sister)
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Frankie,

We don't keep score here. The abuse that happened to each of us here was just that, ABUSE. The perpetrator could have been anyone. The breach of trust and the manipulation from someone close is devastating but you've made it this far and that's a very good start. I'm glad that you found this site but I'm saddened that it has to exist at all. It's really helped me heal and progress.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#30803 - 05/17/02 11:04 PM Re: Hi / my story (abused by sister)
Richard Gartner, PhD Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/20/00
Posts: 404
Loc: New York, NY, USA
Dear Frankie -- I want to honor the courage you are showing in opening up about your abuse. I also want to let you know about some people in the Netherlands from a group called Transact who hoped to come to NOMSV's conference in New York last October. They didn't make it but did tell us about their website (http://www.transact.nl/informatiewijzer). Apparently they do a number of things related to gender specific health care and prevention of sexual violence.

The contact person is:
Peter van der Linden
TransAct
Postbox 1413
3500 BK Utrecht

tel: 0031 30 232 6500
fax: 0031 30 232 6555
e-mail: p.vd.linden@transact.nl

I hope this is helpful. Keep posting!

Richard Gartner
NOMSV President

[ May 17, 2002: Message edited by: RichardNYC ]

_________________________
www.richardgartner.com

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#30804 - 05/18/02 06:25 PM Re: Hi / my story (abused by sister)
Frankie Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/17/02
Posts: 5
Loc: The Netherlands
Thank you all for your support.

Richard, I visited the Transact site, and learned that I'm not the only one who was abused by his sister, and that feelings of guild are 'normal' too.

My feelings about what has happened are still very confusing and mixed. I didn't really want it to happen, but my body reacted each and every time. Even now, seeing my sis arouses me, up to the point that I get a very hard erection. I feel very guilty about that, but I can't seem to stop it, nor do I understand it.

I just want all of those feelings to go away, to be normal. \:\(


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#30805 - 05/23/02 09:02 AM Re: Hi / my story (abused by sister)
Frankie Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/17/02
Posts: 5
Loc: The Netherlands
I will now try to write about the rest of my 'story'.

After my sis told me that she would only allow me an orgasm if I fucked her, I told her that I didn't want to do that, no matter what she would do or say. I expected her to get angry, but instead she just smiled, and walked away. She didn't blackmail me, didn't make any further threats, didn't make me please her, nothing. I mistakingly believed I had 'won', and it would all be over.

In the next couple of weeks, she watched me like a hawk, making sure I didn't masturbate and didn't have any sex with someone. Whenever I came home from school, she insisted to check me, and somehow I believed she could actually notice it if I had come.
Twice I tried to rid myself of sexual tension by secretly masturbating, and twice my sis was able to catch me and stop me. She also did several things to arouse me, to make me give in.

After 6 weeks, I was so incredably horny that I could stand it no longer. I asked, begged even, my sis if I could finally come, if I could fuck her. She smiled, began to undress, and then grinned at me and said no.
Something snapped in me, and I freaked. I began to slap her around, yelled, screamed, and forced myself on her. I actually raped my sister, ignoring her cries. Nothing else mattered anymore, I just wanted to fuck her as hard as I could.

I still blame myself for this; I should have been stronger, more in control, but all frustrations came out, and I just couldn't stop. When it was all over, I started to cry again, and just didn't know what to do or say. My sister was just lying there, breathing heavely, and she didn't speak either. After what seemed like hours, but were in fact only minutes, she started to giggle, and told me she had won. I can remember staring at her in disbelief, and then I just collapsed.

After that day, my sister had complete control over me. I felt a terrible guilt, and I just did anything she asked. The abuse went on for several more years, before she finally moved in with her boyfriend. In those years, she involved me in her weird erotic fantasies, asking me more and more often to tie her up (using rope and bondage gear she bought) and make her come. I also had to fuck her a lot, and I was unable to resist any longer. She loved to act like a slave-girl, while she was in fact the mistress. I didn't really wanted it to happen, but I got aroused by seeing my sis in bondage-gear, and she knew this.

When it finally came to an end, I felt very confused. At one hand, I was relieved to be 'free' again, but on the other hand I longed for her company, even though I didn't want for it to happen.

I was 23 when the abuse stopped. Now I'm 37, and it still affects my life. I still fantasize about my sis, even though I know it's sick, and she is still able to make me feel horny. She doesn't abuse me any more, even though she is single again, and we never even talk about it anymore.

I just hope that one day I will finally be truely free of her, not only in body, but also in spirit.


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#30806 - 05/30/02 02:21 AM Re: Hi / my story (abused by sister)
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
you call what you did rape? BULLSHIT. Maybe this sounds totally warped, but you did exactely what she wanted you too. She set you up, used sexual abuse and psychological torture, and finally pushed you over the edge so she could get what she wanted. Abuse by females is different than males. Its about manipulation. Your sister obviously wanted you to believe you raped her so she could hold it over you, manipulate and utterly control your life through guilt. I wish i could make you see how much i truly believe what you did was not your fault. Being abused by women is a triple mindfuck, first because men arent abused, second because women dont abuse, and third, because a woman cant abuse a man. Its all lies. Its not as common, ill give you that, but its real, and it happens everywhere with alarming frequency.

Women abuse in ways that are actually more damaging than men. For them, power is manipulation, subtelty. Reports of female abusers are often dicounted as being false because of thier extreme nature. But im seeing something that a lot of people never even could comprehend until now. I know something about the effects of female abuse, how it works, what it does to men who are affected by it.

If your shrink tells you you raped her, get another one. Women who abuse feed off of degredation and humiliation, they are often sadists of the worst kind. You cant cut your sister any slack because she is a woman, she was getting off on your pain. No matter what your feelings for her may be, remember she would be defined by a competant and objective psychiatrist as a sexual sadist. This comes before her gender, what male and female roles are expected to be, and the fact that you are a man and she is a woman, because they dont matter.


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