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#307982 - 10/25/09 01:11 PM At rock bottom
Angelx Offline


Registered: 10/18/09
Posts: 32
Loc: UK
We have now hit rock bottom. Yesterday something snapped in him. He threw pills in his mouth and said he wanted to die and blamed me for trying to encourage him to get help. I saw a look in his eyes that I've never seen before and I didn't recognise him. It was really scary. We both cried then we pulled ourselves together and took the kids swimming as if everything was ok. Then later at home he flipped again and threatened to get in the car and go drive it into a wall. He wanted to say goodbye to me before he went but I refused. No way was I gonna make it easier for him to go and leave me and leave his kids without a dad. The fact I refused to say goodbye seem to make him stop and calm down. I have told him that unless he gets help, we have no future we can't carry on like this. Am I wrong for putting pressure on him? At least if I can get him to see a doctor they can maybe give him something to reduce the feelings of desperation and even his moods out abit. He says he is even too ashamed to tell anyone how low he feels. Just wish the sick animal that did this to him could be made to suffer the same.


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#307985 - 10/25/09 01:22 PM Re: At rock bottom [Re: Angelx]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: Angelx


Am I wrong for putting pressure on him?


Angelx.

I hope you are ok with a survivor answering you.

I am in total support of you - taking care of yourself. I don't see you pressuring him. It is called being firm and being truthful in my opinion.

As adults we have responsibilities despite the horror we experience. You are his companion and the csa canNOT get in the way of that or it will do irrepairable damage and for that you have every right to set boundaries.

I applaud you in your vision to have his kids (and yours too) HAVE their dad. I cried when I read this part. BRAVO to you for holding strong and firm to your conviction and goals.

In my life, I admit the internal strife I needed to own and NOT cause others in my life any pain or stress. It was my own choice no matter if I learned the actions from the monster of my yesteryear.

Peace to you and yours, and I apologize if I have stepped on any toes.

DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#307995 - 10/25/09 02:30 PM Re: At rock bottom [Re: DJsport]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Angel,

He's trying to manipulate and control you. It's up to you to draw the line you've drawn no matter how painful it is to you personally. Your responsibility also extends to the children. They don't need the emotional fallout because his manipulation ultimately extends to them as well as he holds them hostage to his control issues.

He may or may not be suicidal. Whether it's real or not, suicide, especially when combined with involving loved ones in the pre-act drama, is the ultimate tactic of exercising control over others. The only way of dealing with it is to refuse to participate in that drama, i.e. remove yourself and kids from the situation, and require that they seek professional help. End of story. In some cases you can even initiate the act of getting him admitted into inpatient treatment. I'd not hesitate to investigate that course of action with your local hospital or suicide hotline.

I know it sounds hardhearted, even cruel, but this is neither good for you or for the children. You deserve much much better and are equipped to help him through this part of his recovery.

I wish you well,

John



Edited by walkingsouth (10/25/09 02:31 PM)
Edit Reason: typo
_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#308113 - 10/26/09 12:52 AM Re: At rock bottom [Re: WalkingSouth]
emmy Offline


Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 9
Hey Angelx,
I am new here. But your story really hits close to home. My DH is a MS. We have been through many hard times. My DH also tried to swallow pills once. It was HORRIBLE. It was a very bad time/place for us. I am so sorry you are dealing with this now. My DH "act" of swallowing pills was a cry for help. Maybe you sit down with your DH and be frank with him. You have to take care of yourself and get help for both of you. Tell him this act forces you to make him get help. No hesitation. Find a therapist. Find or talk about antidepressants. Call in reinforcements if needed (his family, friends, spiritual advisors?) -someone who cares. These are just ideas. It is a call for help and if it is not answered - there will be a next time most likely and could be worse. These are just my thoughts. There might be another trigger behind this. It may be important to figure out.

If you are still stable in your relationship and want to keep it that way - let him know. You love him, why you love him, how this makes you feel, how you hurt, how what he does affects you. He is hurting you by his actions.

Take care for now. I am sorry for your pain. I am here if you need to talk.


Another thing to think about. DH and I went to therapy together every week for about a year and individually as needed. Anyways, a couple of things have always stuck. First, the realization that my DH was trying to pull me around emotionally. It was like he was trying to control my emotions. Make me mad, scared, angry, etc. Sometimes happy too but that was not toxic. The toxic emotions he was controlling, getting a reaction for whatever reason. I tried to learn to create some sort of barrier to not "play the game" or be controlled. Do something for yourself. Allow yourself to make your own choices. Realize you may have to do things by yourself and be ok with that. Find something for yourself to be happy about just for yourself every day. Just to smile.

Last thing: Love the person, hate the disease.
)



Edited by emmy (10/26/09 01:36 AM)

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#308153 - 10/26/09 11:08 AM Re: At rock bottom [Re: emmy]
Angelx Offline


Registered: 10/18/09
Posts: 32
Loc: UK
I really appreciate hearing it from your perspective DJ, it helps alot thanks and I wish you lots of happiness for the future.

Emmy, I know exactly what you mean about him controlling my emotions. I can see him doing or saying things just to get a reaction from me and, although I know thats what he's doing, its still sometimes very hard not to react. I keep telling myself just to ignore him and not 'play his games' but then that angers him just as much if not more. Anyway, when he comes home from work tonight I've decided we have to talk about making a doctors apointment for him. He doesn't even have to say much when he's there, I have a post traumatic stress questionnaire for him to fill in and show to the doctor. He knows he is going to lose everything we have if he doesn't get help, but he's struggling to find the energy to overcome the guilt and shame he feels, not just from the SA, but also for how he feels now and what it is doing to me. In other words he's ashamed at how poorly he is coping with it all, I think he feels because he is a man he should be stronger than this and is therefore a failure. Anyway will see how tonight goes. So how are things with you now, have you managed to work through the worst of it? Has the counselling helped you both? Take Care x



Edited by Angelx (10/26/09 11:09 AM)

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#308189 - 10/26/09 03:37 PM Re: At rock bottom [Re: Angelx]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I'm glad others have said it, my husband used to tell me ALL the time that he was going to kill himself, and I of course would fall apart, say I was sorry and try to help him through whatever it was. When a therapist told me he was controlling me and it was really a form of abuse I was upset to say the least. I told hubby that if he ever said it again I would be calling 911 for help and that I would be getting ahold of a crisis place to help him that I would not allow him to kill himself but that I would no longer be the person to fix it. He did it once since and I just asked him if I needed to call for help and he stormed out. He's not said it since. I thought he was totally suicidal. Not so much since I called him on it......now I'm not saying to put aside real issues around it, but there are people out there that can help him and it's not you who needs to be trying. I think it's a ploy. My gut from living with it for years.....

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#308197 - 10/26/09 04:25 PM Re: At rock bottom [Re: dangal]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
I had a cousin take his own life. My best friend had three suicides in her family. One thing that I've learned the hard way is that regardless of intent, (to be controlling or not) the person who makes such statements should always be taken seriously.
When anyone reaches absolute rock bottom, they are afraid, then something else drastic happens to push them even further, this sort of ending is always a possibility. Even if the survivor is making such statements in order to avoid therapy or gain control, this is a situation that there is no sort of negotiating over. It is up to a professional therapist to determine and to help them figure it out as well. They need help, like it or not...and you need support from professionals to help the survivor to obtain it.

S-n-S



Edited by sweet-n-sour (10/26/09 04:52 PM)
_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#308200 - 10/26/09 04:44 PM Re: At rock bottom [Re: dangal]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
Family and Friends,

I have been through the gauntlet of an unsupportive partner...all sorts of thoughts of permanent solutions for temporary problems...mental breakdowns...emotional shutdowns...drinking for oblivion...add infinitum...

Several partners are far from being unsupportive...(you wouldn't be here, if that was the case)...this is not 1973 (a personal date)...There is now help available...unity is healthy (within the family unit)...isolationism is toxic and serves only to feed the cycle that is already broken.

Why is it, that the only path that we see is either acting ~or~ looking outward...???

Perhaps, the answers that we seek lie in a different direction...???


When I'm Gone (3 doors Down)

island

P.S. I have also had an uncle that was actively seeing a mental health professional (not related to csa). On the questionaire...Do you have or have ever had thoughts of suicide.

Answer: No...Sadly that was not the case.

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#308220 - 10/26/09 07:29 PM Re: At rock bottom [Re: Angelx]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I am concerned since putting pills in his mouth or the threats to drive into a wall constitute a danger to himself and others, including yourself. You deserve more support than your getting in this situation so the next time he has an outburst like you described please don't hesitate to contact the appropriate authorities.

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#308227 - 10/26/09 08:24 PM Re: At rock bottom [Re: jls]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I agree with the others who have commented about getting him help. If he makes one more threat, you need to put your foot down and call the authorities. December will be one year for me since I was admitted to the hospital. I had a rough patch I went thru and was determined that I was going to die. That day I happened to have an appointment with my T and that is the only reason I am still here today. She saved me from possibly crippling myself or dying. This csa stuff causes some deep pain and will cause a sane person to loose it. I wish there was a way for non survivors to know how we feel but then again I wouldn't wish anyone to have to go thru feeling like this. Please do call if he threatens again. Something is seriously wrong and he needs help ASAP. I wish you luck and I hope he gets the help he needs.


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#308248 - 10/26/09 10:24 PM Re: At rock bottom [Re: nevragan]
emmy Offline


Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 9
Angelx,
Good luck with everything and talking to your husband. Me and my husband have been working through issues for years. We have been married for 9 years. Our rock bottom experience was about 4 years ago. Counseling has been helpful to have someone help keep communication open between us who is not emotionally attached or involved. I needed counseling to help me deal with everything. I have only known that my husband was sexually abused (when he was a child) for about 1 year and that he has been dealing with SSA. I have only known about the SSA issue for probably 1 month. Anyways, sometimes the anger and issues surface and we try our best to deal with it as we can. The hardest part is to keep communication open. We are both still trying hard to maintain our relationship. Good luck, emmy.


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#308310 - 10/27/09 11:54 AM Re: At rock bottom [Re: emmy]
Angelx Offline


Registered: 10/18/09
Posts: 32
Loc: UK
I spoke to him last night about going to see the doctor and he just flipped. So I gave him a choice, either agree to see a doctor or move out! He was adamant he would never speak to anyone about it and hated me for putting pressure on him. Said he needed to go when he felt ready and for himself not me. I can understand the need he feels to take control of his own recovery and did not want to take that away from him. So I went to bed in complete dispair. Then, this morning, he text me from work admitting he needed help and asking me to book him a doctors appointment. I feel that he has now made a step in the right direction and I can see a small glimmer of hope again. Fingers crossed for Friday x


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#308328 - 10/27/09 02:07 PM Re: At rock bottom [Re: Angelx]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, Angelx.

My thought are with both of you. And my fingers are crossed.

I am happy to hear you being firm and taking care of yourself.

Let us know how this goes, ok. Take your time.

DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#308355 - 10/27/09 06:29 PM Re: At rock bottom [Re: DJsport]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Good luck dear, that is a huge step forward. There will be forward steps and then steps back. Keep your head up and keep moving forward and take care of yourself. Proud of you.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#308367 - 10/27/09 08:12 PM Re: At rock bottom [Re: dangal]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Awesome news, Angel! Make that appointment and don't let him side slip it either. Not saying he will, but I know how we guys can be on this stuff.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#308401 - 10/28/09 02:30 AM Re: At rock bottom [Re: WalkingSouth]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
Angelx,

We couldn't have hoped for better news...!!!


What's Up / What's Going On (4 Non-Blondes)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#308414 - 10/28/09 08:18 AM Re: At rock bottom [Re: 1islandboy]
Angelx Offline


Registered: 10/18/09
Posts: 32
Loc: UK
Can you believe it, can't get an appointment at docs until next Monday! Not sure he can hold on that long, he has been in tears on phone this morning begging for help. Gonna ring surgery first thing in morning and actually speak to a doctor. Friday is only day he can guarantee finishing work early so limited as to when he can go and can't risk losing his job as its the only thing keeping him going at the moment. If push comes to shove will just have to call emergency doctor out. Thought I had overcome hardest bit by getting him to agree to go!!


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#308464 - 10/28/09 06:25 PM Re: At rock bottom [Re: Angelx]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1977
Hi Angelx,

If you need to get him in Friday, do what you have to do to get him in. It sounds like he has reached a point where he is ready to deal with this stuff, which is very good news. Once he feels safe and is able to talk about what is going on for him he can start moving things in a more healing direction. If it helps, you can let him know he is not alone. This site has 7000+ members and that only scratches the surface. He is very much not alone in this, and there are others that understand what it is like. He is lucky to have you as support and I hope it goes well. It really helps to talk about it, at least that is my opinion and the opinion of many.

Eric


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#308512 - 10/29/09 09:55 AM Re: At rock bottom [Re: ericc]
Angelx Offline


Registered: 10/18/09
Posts: 32
Loc: UK
Thanks Eric. Good news, he has managed to book a day off tomorrow so I just need to ring doctor first thing in the morning and she will squeeze him in. At the moment he is only prepared to talk about the depression he feels now and get treatment for that. Hopefully then he will gain the strength needed to start tackling the SA. One step at a time. x


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#308569 - 10/29/09 09:43 PM Re: At rock bottom [Re: Angelx]
givemestrength Offline


Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 26
Angel...I think you have been incredibly brave thus far...

Although it is hard to hear he really does need to be ready to talk in his own time but I'd like to echo the sentiments of others that this can not be at the expense of your own safety and wellbeing...(this is something I have been learning myself...very slowly)

Whilst it may seem like a small step to you getting treatment for depression may be a massive step for him.

You sound like you've had incredible patience and understanding this far. You are both incredibly resilient for coping with and handling these hard issues.

Keep us posted on how the doc visit goes. You may not realise but simply by helping him with this part of his experience shows him that you are taking what he is going through seriously and that you are there for him and trying to understand...who knows it may even help him continue to share himself with you.

I'm sorry for the anger and frustration he has put on you. You do not deserve that.

Like you said one step at a time....then another...then another...


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#308586 - 10/29/09 11:36 PM Re: At rock bottom [Re: givemestrength]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I like what you said about him taking his own time, and not having your own safety and well being at risk. Self care in situations such as these is crucial. I recently learned of a concept called 2/3's empathy, where a helper should never 100% empathize with people's suffering lest they find themselves there as well. In this way you won't be able to help. I kind of compare it to the trying to rescue a drowning man scenario.

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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