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#307710 - 10/23/09 08:28 AM Piano & Panic Attacks
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
I play the piano very well. I sat down at a piano in a restaurant/bar me and my grandpa went to eat at. I played a few songs and the owner of the place offered me a job to play there every weekend. I thought about it alot, and turned it down.

My biggest problem is that my uncle (my perp) taught me to play and somedays I just don't have what it takes to sit there and play anything because it's like a reminder of my uncle and badly he abused me. I worry that if I have to do it for a job then I might run into some issues when I supposed to play one night and I can't because of memories that trigger panic attacks and fear.

I went to the owner of that place and told him thank you, but I just can't do it. I just told him it was a hobby for me and I didn't want it to turn into a job. He said I'm wasting talent and if I ever decide I want to change my decision that he'll hire me in a heartbeat.

So I'm just curious if anyone else has some kind of hobby or whatever that they did with their abuser and have trouble sometimes doing now, even though you really enjoy doing it?

Joey


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#307711 - 10/23/09 08:40 AM Re: Piano & Panic Attacks [Re: JasonSmalls]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11020
Loc: Denver, CO
Yes, although mine is a slightly different happenstance.

My mother has a beautiful singing voice, and I loved to hear her sing when I was a child. I have my mother's musical ear, and I also have the experiences of her abuse. The first time I heard my voice on tape, I was like "I sound like mom."

I love having a musical ear, and I love creating with it. But every now and then, remembering the genetic source of it taints things. I don't regret having a musical ear. It is a gift. I just hate having that association with my mother.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#307712 - 10/23/09 08:41 AM Re: Piano & Panic Attacks [Re: JasonSmalls]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
sorry i can't answer your question joey. but what that uncle did is beyond comprehension. that he would take your natural talent and mix it up with sexual abuse is incredibly mindnumbing. i am so sorry that he did that to you. you have such a difficult task ahead of you, to reclaim your talent apart from the abuse. what a daunting task. you have my deepest empathy, and i am sure you have the strength to do it.....you WILL do it. cry

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#307715 - 10/23/09 10:29 AM Re: Piano & Panic Attacks [Re: Sans Logos]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, Joey.

It is great to see you. I am sorry your experiencing such issues.

I have several things that remind me of my cousin including my love for the farm and painting. I have some internal issues with certain foods like anything to do with chickens including eggs.

He also gave me very negative messages around my abilities like my talent to recreate images on paper. As a kid I drew wonderful drawings on paper of the farm, farm equipment, animals and interestingly enough I drew a picture of the chicken coup alot and no one knew why.

YOUR talent to play the piano and make your music sounds awesome. I know the memories of Him are painful but your gift would bring peace to many peoples souls.

I know others who have hobbies do not want to work at it. I support you in whatever you decide to do.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#307722 - 10/23/09 11:18 AM Re: Piano & Panic Attacks [Re: DJsport]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
i am an artist,..i draw and paint etc...i have found that when im stressed over something (CSA stuff in paarticular) i completely distance myself from doing any artwork, and dont want to even pick up a paintbrush,....its been quite a few months now since ive done anything creative, 8 months i think,...but i dont remember if my abuser had anything to do with my creative flow...but he might have,..

nevertheless, ive bounced back and forth doing art for money,...i can make a decent buck or two....but it seems i dont want to turn it into a "job"...fearing if i do, that i wont be able to maintain my motivation/inspiration for very long, and ill just crash and burn....i know its not exactly the same thing your talking about, but i totally understand your situation...

i think whatever course you take with your talent that you should always try to make it about "your" personal enyoyment, its probably easy to say, but you know when you are expressing yourself through your art form that its the one thing that is truly yours,..don't let anything polute what is a beautiful and wonderful thing.

_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

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#307743 - 10/23/09 02:58 PM Re: Piano & Panic Attacks [Re: JasonSmalls]
happybuddha1 Offline


Registered: 05/19/09
Posts: 85
Loc: Michigan
Hey Joey....I was also trained on the piano by my perp....I love playing and have all my life, but after years of playing, I gave up playing at church....just too damn tense playing in front of people and feeling judged.....thanks for your post...made me wonder if "he" is still watching and judging, even though he is deceased....crazy

_________________________
A scared little boy who is trying to heal and feel again..

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#307746 - 10/23/09 04:34 PM Re: Piano & Panic Attacks [Re: happybuddha1]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6808
Loc: USA
I play the french (sic) horn. I am almost professional level. I have trouble with difficult rhythmical parts and I think it is because of dissociation caused by abuse. Why would dissociation do this? Because intricate musical parts demand coordination between the left and right hemispheres of the brain. The musical interpretation is from the right hemisphere and the rhythm from the left hemisphere. A dissociative block introduces a delay in transfer of information between the hemispheres.

Fortunately I wasn't taught by a perp. Maybe I'm just belly aching.

Allen

pufferfish whistle






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#307802 - 10/23/09 11:31 PM Re: Piano & Panic Attacks [Re: pufferfish]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Jason,

Have you ever tried doing it for a job? I ask, because it changes the whole experience. You might find it actually frees you from some of the worry. When I play publicly, there's no room for anything but the music. When I play for myself is when I can be daydreaming about something else.

You might consider letting the guy know you'd need to do it on a trial basis because it was a new thing for you. That way you could test the waters and see if it works.

There's something about getting paid for something that really lets you know it's yours.

Hope that helps,

Danny


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#313247 - 12/06/09 09:27 PM Re: Piano & Panic Attacks [Re: DannyT]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6808
Loc: USA
Immodest post deleted. smile

Allen

pufferfish whistle




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#313288 - 12/07/09 12:34 AM Re: Piano & Panic Attacks [Re: givemestrength]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6808
Loc: USA
Playing horn helps me so, so much.

I began playing horn at age 12 several months after sever abuse at b.s. camp.

Over the years it has provided social contacts many, many times. It has helped me get out of my shell as I played in various bands and orchestras and groups.

Practicing is fun and takes my mind off my troubles.

Playing the horn is a way to serve others because the music results in bringing joy to others.

Allen

pufferfish whistle





Edited by pufferfish (12/07/09 01:09 AM)
Edit Reason: inserted beginning

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