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#307537 - 10/21/09 10:04 PM You can see it in my eyes
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1970
I was thinking about this and then saw the eye contact thread.

Anyway, I have been a little down the last couple days. I am quite certain people can see in my eyes that something is not right. Yet I can't talk about what is really going on. I'm triggered and feeling trauma over things done to me. I'm feeling shame and guilt over past behaviors. I'm down over where my life is at and what it is not, courtesy of a past I never wanted that has held me back and helped fuel quite a bit of self-destruction.

I just can't speak of all this stuff so I need to ride it out and fake it. Yet I am certain my eyes speak volumes that I am not feeling all that well. I wish I could tell my story in a more public fashion so that others just knew what I have been through and could see my experiences and past through that lens of greater understanding. I wish people just knew and I didn't need to keep faking it. It is not as if others knew I would use it as an excuse to not try in life. As a matter of fact, I think I would try harder and wouldn't be so stuck in the shame/guilt/trauma/depression/regret trap I get into so often.

Oh well, I guess I'll try and snap out of this one (which I will). But in the meantime I think my eyes tell a more complete story.

Eric


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#307578 - 10/22/09 05:41 AM Re: You can see it in my eyes [Re: ericc]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
Eric,

I can remember the day my T said "you feel like people can see right into your soul and they know what happened to you."

I felt shocked that he knew that but it's not magic and he is no psychic it's a staple for CSA. We walk around with this badge of CSA on our chest faking life as I have done wishing someone would come by and genuinely get to know us. We wish the event would not have occurred, everything in our life revolves around that event; "I was better at sports until it happened, I was more self confident until it happened." My T said, "go back to the day before the CSA took place and remember that little boy, your still that same person today you have just been sidetracked and you are trying to get back on the right path.


Long story short, if you have a "T" it helps, it gives you a chance to quote,

"I wish I could tell my story in a more public fashion so that others just knew what I have been through and could see my experiences and past through that lens of greater understanding.

If you don't have a T I would recommend one. It's like when you brake a leg you see an orthopedic specialist so when your heart brain and soul have been damaged you benefit from seeing a Psychologist/Psychiatrist, it works.

Hope this helps,


John O



Edited by John Oarc (10/22/09 05:43 AM)
_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#307579 - 10/22/09 05:52 AM Re: You can see it in my eyes [Re: John Oarc]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Originally Posted By: John Oarc
We wish the event would not have occurred, everything in our life revolves around that event; "I was better at sports until it happened, I was more self confident until it happened." My T said, "go back to the day before the CSA took place and remember that little boy, your still that same person today you have just been sidetracked and you are trying to get back on the right path.


I just wanted to offer up my really curious twist that while the final sentence certainly applies sexually, the earlier sentence is not the case for me. My abuse had the effect of forcing me to create a personality who was cool with it and was at the same time, outgoing, fun and self confident. Three things I had never been prior. I really hate my perp for forcing me to grow in a way that was ultimately beneficial. It makes it very difficult because it jumbled up my feelings about him for decades.

Sorry to get off topic...as it often happens some line just really struck me and i wanted to write my thought down.

thanks,

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#307587 - 10/22/09 08:26 AM Re: You can see it in my eyes [Re: sono]
USFbull Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/30/08
Posts: 92
Loc: Florida
I definetly get where you are coming from John, my biggest issue with going back to the day before it happened was that I was 4 years old when it started, I don't remember or know who I was.But if thats not your situation then I definetly agree with the T. Personally T's never worked for me, mainly because I'm a habitual liar to them, or was, but if you've got more guts than I do, they definetly help a lot.

As far as telling your story in a public fashion, you just have to gauge people. In my previous unit I was the SARC (Sexual Assault Response Coordinator),and my buddies closest to me knew that I was a survivor. Don't be open until it feels right, and talking to a T will more often than not put you in the right diretion.

_________________________
Neither fear nor courage saves us.
Unnatural vices Are fathered by our heroism.
Virtues Are forced upon us by our impudent crimes.
These tears are shaken from
the wrath-bearing tree.
~T.S. Eliot~

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#307589 - 10/22/09 08:38 AM Re: You can see it in my eyes [Re: ericc]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
I'm down over where my life is at and what it is not, courtesy of a past I never wanted that has held me back and helped fuel quite a bit of self-destruction


Quote:
We wish the event would not have occurred, everything in our life revolves around that event


mic hunter in his book 'wounded boys' calls this 'organizing his life around the wound' [p 69]. when i first read that back in 2003, i was gobsmacked at he powerful truth of that statement. it was definitely strumming my pain. my entire life had been lived in counterpoint to the events of being sexually molested by my older brother, and the later rapes. spiritually, emotionally, psychically, my life became a quest to quell the resultant shame and chronic depression.

i was too young to realize exactly how at the time, but the abuse changed my world perspective in such a way as to cause me to feel that everyone in the world is like my neglectful family, who would allow my brother to exploit me sexually; who did nothing to prevent it, nor did they do anything to defend me in the post disclosure period. as a result, i subconsciously blamed myself that it happened, thinking it must have been my fault; i must have done something to invite it. doing so further reinforced the victim mentality as did all my attempts to solve the mystery of what went wrong. in that way i 'organized my life around the wound'.

as i grow in understanding, and recognize the assumptions instilled as a result of the abuse, i am able to redirect the path, crooked though it be, and realize that random shit happens, i am never completely safe, and none of that is my fault.

while the impersonal nature of that statement may not lead to warm fuzzy feelings, at least it helps for creating a more realistic space of nurture and healing for little ron when his fears and anxieties arise to get the best of him.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#307636 - 10/22/09 03:39 PM Re: You can see it in my eyes [Re: Sans Logos]
J.R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/07
Posts: 307
Loc: United States
I feel the same way at times. It truly feels that people can just look at me, and see that I am a screw up. It feels like they can see all my past, and that I am hiding a big secret. Logically, I know that is not true. However, MY reality says it is true. I guess through a patient understanding of myself and others, I will come to term with this.

Good post.

J.R.

_________________________
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved. -Helen Keller

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#307664 - 10/22/09 10:37 PM Re: You can see it in my eyes [Re: J.R.]
takingflight Offline


Registered: 09/23/09
Posts: 32
i used to practice making and keeping eye contact. it worked. give it a try.



Edited by takingflight (10/22/09 10:38 PM)

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#307680 - 10/22/09 11:48 PM Re: You can see it in my eyes [Re: takingflight]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1970
I'm feeling better. I brought this very issue up with my T tonight. I think maybe that is a good idea, when feeling down to make sure to make eye contact and keep it. I guess I feel I can read a lot from people's eyes so I figure they can do the same for me. I can look in the mirror and just see when things are not right. Oh well, I guess this is all part of it.


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#307693 - 10/23/09 01:48 AM Re: You can see it in my eyes [Re: ericc]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Eye contact is scary for me since when I'm down I don't want people to know how I am feeling. It seems like a big secret I'm trying to keep, given the details.

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#307943 - 10/25/09 10:09 AM Re: You can see it in my eyes [Re: jls]
Richie Dagger Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/15/00
Posts: 13
Loc: Mid Atlantic
I have a lot of difficulty with eye contact, though it has gotten much better over the years. It's not so much that I think they are seeing into my soul or something. I don't like that feeling of being "connected" to the other person. For me it's almost like a weird way of being physically touched. If someone touches me unexpectedly I panic, no matter who they are or what their intention is. It is the same feeling when someone looks directly into my eyes. I immediately look away before they can get a "lock". Not sure if that makes any sense.

Part of my problem with it is that I have been told throughout my life that I have "beautiful" or "amazing" eyes so people are constantly trying to look at them - whether it's the cashier at the grocery store, someone in line, bartenders or random and total strangers. What's worse is when they go even further and say to whomever they are with "hey look at this guy's eyes!" and then they come over too. It makes me want to run as fast as I can the other way.


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