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#307159 - 10/19/09 07:26 PM A horrible, nasty, spiteful person
Matt from Oz Offline


Registered: 09/16/09
Posts: 56
Loc: Sydney, Australia
Why is it that my ex fiancee rang me last night and said,

Zoe: 'I don't want to be with you, I don't want to be in a relationship with you, I don't love you, in fact I did not for the last 10 months we were together'

Matt:'I respond, then why did you not communicate this with me'

Zoe: 'I don't know, but I don't know why you have been hanging on to false hope'

Matt:'I don't know why you think it was false hope...you said 1. we can reassess in December if you want to work through this in a relationship, 2. You said I think we have future at some point, 3. I don't have a crystall ball but there is love and hope there, I just need time to heal as you do'

Zoe: 'Well I am sorry, but we are not in a relationship and I don't want to be with you, the thought of us together sends alarm bells off in my head'

Matt:'Well why could you not have communicated this rather than letting me hang on to your 'off the cuff' remarks before letting 4 months pass'

Zoe:'I am sorry'

Matt:'Well unfortunately your comments have hurt and cut deep, and I am not sure I can have contact with you after such hurt'

Zoe:'Well I would like to be friends with you still and chat'

Matt:'I cannot, that is too painful'

I feel I gave this girl my all and I have obviously been used. Whilst not used in the similar way my mother used, I feel used, I feel worthless after her remarks. Another hurdle to jump when I barely had the energy to jump the last one.

_________________________
I have finally revealed to world my 20 year torment from mother-son sexual abuse, and in dire need of fellow people who have endured this horrible experience,

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#307167 - 10/19/09 07:54 PM Re: A horrible, nasty, spiteful person [Re: Matt from Oz]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
Hang in there, you'll make it. You made the right choice. You need to take care of yourself first. Wish I could give you a big hug to make you feel better. With all that you have been thru lately, I have faith you can jump the next hurdle. Be strong, life will get better.


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#307172 - 10/19/09 08:20 PM Re: A horrible, nasty, spiteful person [Re: Matt from Oz]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
i think it's time to wash that girl right outta your hair. she has caused you enough grief. who needs that kind of negativity in their life? you'll be much better off without her; you deserve better...... sorry for the grief you're taking over this, matt.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#307189 - 10/19/09 09:45 PM Re: A horrible, nasty, spiteful person [Re: Sans Logos]
James Landrith Offline


Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 40
Loc: Alexandria, VA, USA
Matt,

I agree with the other posters as well. She sounds like a toxic person for you right now. Wash her out of your hair sounds like the right approach for you.

You'll find someone who won't play with your emotions in such an immature and hurtful manner.

_________________________
Member of RAINN Speakers Bureau and syndicated blogger
Good Men Project author
Vice President, Men Recovering from Military Sexual Trauma
http://jameslandrith.com

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#307192 - 10/19/09 09:56 PM Re: A horrible, nasty, spiteful person [Re: James Landrith]
takingflight Offline


Registered: 09/23/09
Posts: 32
I'm sorry, there are few things worse then this sort of thing. It's going to hurt. She is probably a mix of things - good and bad. But out of the grief and sadness comes a new person, one perhaps more wise and more grounded. It doesn't sound like much now maybe, but later you'll feel it or something similar.

TF


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#307220 - 10/19/09 11:58 PM Re: A horrible, nasty, spiteful person [Re: takingflight]
lacansletter Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/04/05
Posts: 67
Loc: St.Petersburg, FL
I applaud you for being strong enough to protect yourself from a person who has hurt you. Putting yourself out there to be loved is a brave act. Don't let this discourage you but keep hope alive that you will eventually find someone who deserves you.

_________________________
"The only Zen you find on the mountain top is the Zen that you bring with you" Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig

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#307227 - 10/20/09 12:09 AM Re: A horrible, nasty, spiteful person [Re: lacansletter]
Matt from Oz Offline


Registered: 09/16/09
Posts: 56
Loc: Sydney, Australia
Thank you gents,

I need to rebuild once and for all from Ground Zero.

This is a scary proposition, once again I am on my own, rejected and abandoned by people.

I guess I need to suck it up and try again.

i will throw myself into work, fitness, and meeting new people. The problem is I am so guarded and untrusting of people because of all this.

How do you let people in?

_________________________
I have finally revealed to world my 20 year torment from mother-son sexual abuse, and in dire need of fellow people who have endured this horrible experience,

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#307268 - 10/20/09 05:55 AM Re: A horrible, nasty, spiteful person [Re: Matt from Oz]
LilacLouie Offline


Registered: 07/02/09
Posts: 359
Loc: Utah
It's hard to let people in Matt.

Something I think is missed, is the other side of the coin. She may as well feel that you used her. Perceptions are truly a two way street. Yours and hers.

Now please Matt, do not get me wrong here. I am not saying she is right, and I am not saying you are wrong. Nor am I saying to stay with her. Farthest from all of that, really. If you are in a relationship that benefits neither of you, then it's time to end it. You guys did what you could to fix it, it seems, and that didn't work out. You may perceive her as not doing anything or as much as you in rebuilding your relationship. And she may very well think the same of you. Again, perceptions.

When I lost my wife, I was always bitter, blaming her. HGer fault. She did this. She did that. I know what I know from my position. I know the hurt and pain I had. But I never considered what she may have perceived or felt, until after I found out that she tried to kill herself six months after we split up. Then I thought about her side. It's very very hard for me to do that, and it's no easier for you. Because you are on your side. You can't straddle the fence.

I know I experienced this perception issue with my Search & Rescue training. I have done as best as I can in the courses and training, considering the conditions and my limitations. And I know the trainers and my teammates felt I was "chimping out" or just not competent enough. Again, perceptions.

I hope you look at all angles and consider all that may be going on. But in the end, even with that said and done, you have to take care of you. The benefit to looking at it from all sides as I have suggested is to prevent anyone from throwing you a stmp by telling you "but you havn't tried to think about this from her side", when in fact you have. If you don't think about protecting yourself by thinking of all angles Matt, when they throw that at you it will set you back and get you to think that you are the one that's wrong. And that is a very bad time for you. It hurts you even more, and they know that. Consider all angles, and that will protect you.

That way when they tell you that line, then you can say "Yes I have thought of it from her side as best as I can, but it doesn't matter. I still have to take care of me before I can take care of anyone else".


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#307273 - 10/20/09 09:41 AM Re: A horrible, nasty, spiteful person [Re: LilacLouie]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hey Matt,

I posted on one of your recent threads about this gal...that was the one in which you recounted how she texted a suicide threat.

So you started off with this question:



Why is it that my ex fiancee rang me last night and said,

and then you recount the conversation, wherein at the end she said:

Zoe:'Well I would like to be friends with you still and chat'


Well, I guess that's your answer...she want's the old have the cake and eat it too...she wants to have it both ways...and in my opinion she thinks by keeping this kind of door open policy, when she needs some support and all the rest she can do the "woe is me" thing and have you ready at her beck and call.

I know that is a harsh interpretation, but you seem like the really nice kind of guy that just might let himself be taken advantage of and I want to encourage you NOT to do that. I sense you still have feelings for her, if not still love her. I don't need to know the answer to that, but try to get over her man...she sounds like BAD news from start to finish.

Women seem to have this idea, I've heard it proposed more than once, that it would be swell to end a "relationship" but be friends. Well, I'm not really sure what that's all about. I guess a mutual understanding of "hey, this just isn't the thing, but no hard feelings, OK?" might be a scenario under which that could be possible or desirable, but imo this doesn't sound like it. Not that it has any relevance, but my sister-in-law had this idea that she and my brother-in-law could continue to live together while she would actually BE with her boyfriend...whatever. I know other guys whose girlfriends and wives just can't take being the BAD guy, so they propose this kooky idea turning YOU into the BAD guy for saying "nope, not with me". I guess it's easier that way for them.

I'd say my friend, after dear old mom you've had enough bad treatment at female hands and maybe aren't seeing it for what it is with this woman...or maybe you are and just need a push to go there...consider yourself pushed!!!!

lots of support!!!!

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#307350 - 10/20/09 07:43 PM Re: A horrible, nasty, spiteful person [Re: sono]
Matt from Oz Offline


Registered: 09/16/09
Posts: 56
Loc: Sydney, Australia
Thanks everyone for the support

You've all been brilliant,

Now it's time to rebuild from scratch...she does not deserve me I think...I am the most lovable character and caring person, and just cause I hit a road bump (CSA revelations) should not mean a loved one turns her back

So she aint for me,

Cheers Gents

_________________________
I have finally revealed to world my 20 year torment from mother-son sexual abuse, and in dire need of fellow people who have endured this horrible experience,

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