.

I often have to say to myself or to my partner, "I've never done this before". And cut myself some slack, which my partner also does with endless patience.

I think finding someone who can understand what you just explained to us is the key, rather than trying to reach an understanding of what relationships are 'normally' about. I've found with myself that knowing why a person does what they do sure takes away alot of the individualizing it "they're doing it just to piss me off". I'm just guessing Roger, but I'm sure you can understand what I'm saying.

Ignorance of the law isn't an excuse, but then we're not the law, and I think relationships need to be very flexible.

Just me Roger

Mike

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Roger,

I have a similar problem. I was a disconnected child and after my CSA sex had nothing to do with relationships. I never connected with partners nor learned there names. I have had to work very hard to connect with my wife of 35 years. I still work at it. Lucky for me she is very patient. It has been very hard...but worth it. Good Luck and enjoy your ice-cream!!

Happy trails, Ted

Yep, it’s more easy to slip into a “default” type of relationship rather than the work of connecting. And I guess the sex is the easy non-emotional bit (unless there’s triggers involved when having sex with your partner).

I know my wife deserves better and more of me and I have to try and be conscious about giving more of myself emotionally but it’s so tough and so unfair that so many others ‘just get it’ and are so connected and loving of their partners.

Keep on trying to do better I guess is the only way to get better and give more of ourselves to others. Here’s to us men.

Hi,

I always had serious relationships because of my deep desire to connect since I was neglected in infancy and toddlerhood to an extreme degree. However, while I want my other close by, I don't want them too close. I have been criticized by almost all my partners for being distant and remote to them.

So I think no matter what level of relationship society says we have, in reality it is our ability to let others care for us, and touch us deeply (and visa versa) that really says where we are. I am still a long way away, but my belief in this as a key area of work in my life is a promising sign.

I hope we all can get there.

Roger,

I also have focused on the physical aspect of my relationships because getting off equaled being happy. If I could get you off then you would be happy because that is how it is with me.
The connecting emotionally with people to whom I am having sex with tends to be almost an impossibility. But if there is no sex involved I can be close and emotionally involved with others. Have feelings for them. But if sex becomes involved I become emotionally disconnected from them almost immediately and only a matter of time before I am gone physically.

My marriage is in a tough spot right now and I am unsure of how to change things. We are basically just room mates now. With no physical or emotional closeness. And a part of be feels real safe and comfortable with things being this way. Because this was how my parents marriage was. i guess we do what we know.

Mike