Newest Members
jahfree, Daryl X., tryintothrive, BCtejas, JHNebraska
12494 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
mrwhiskers (25), SouthernLaw (41), TerryT (61)
Who's Online
3 registered (jahfree, petercorbett, Obi), 23 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12494 Members
74 Forums
64159 Topics
447740 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#306898 - 10/18/09 07:38 AM My life so far....
wondering Offline


Registered: 10/16/09
Posts: 10
Loc: LI N.Y.
It has bee about 43 years now that I have carried around the baggage of being molested. I have two wonderful daughters but divorced after 17yrs of marriage.
My wife tried to deal with my sexual problems throughout our marriage but it took a toll. We both had our problems but I thank her for giving me those years.
While going to marriage counseling things started surfacing for me. I remember
little about being molested at a very early age, around 3-5 but have snapshots in my mind. I was also molested at the age of 16 by a member of the clergy. After a night of partying with my girlfiends family I found him in my bed all over me, don't know how long it was going on for but I pushed him away. My chilhood was good but I always had this issue with sexual identity never knowing which road to go down. Masterbation was a huge issue
I was constantly doing it, I had attraction to both boys and girls. I always wanted to be someone else, to get out of my body never satisfied. I never longed for a relationship with woman, I had one steady girlfriend at 16-17 but that was it until I met my wife at 28. Three days ago I went to Virtus training from the Church for so i can attend school activities. Virtus is awarness about sexual molestation. This triggered a wave of emotions I thought I had to leave. I said to my self it would be like your whole life so far if I left. I stayed and was compemented by the instructor when I was leaving on how informational I was and educated on the subject. I smiled and left knowing I really needed help. I am going to talk to my family and a therapist about my past. Maybe a family member can shed some light on my early chilhood? All those things that came up in the video at the traing were true about me, my childhood was robbed and I am not ok and want answers and help..................

_________________________
"start liking yourself first and the healing will come"

Top
#306913 - 10/18/09 12:12 PM Re: My life so far.... [Re: wondering]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Wondering,
Answers and help is out there. It will take time and will be painful probably too. You will grieve the loss of your innocence and childhood but that is ok. You will survive and whatever road you take you will be comfortable with and will be ok with yourself. You will discover that is much about you right now that is OK. It is just difficult to see because of the lies you were told and you told yourself. Find the truth and cherish it.
Heal well.


Top
#306946 - 10/18/09 03:52 PM Re: My life so far.... [Re: Freedom49]
Matt0487 Offline


Registered: 05/29/09
Posts: 27
Loc: Houston, TX, USA
Wondering. So glad that you are here. My story is very similar. I was abused from the age of 3-8 by a cousin. He did some pretty awful things. I originally called it molestation, but now call it rape. I was tied up, and once raped at gunpoint. My childhood was robbed too. Its sad what people have done to us.

I just want to encourage you that there is hope. You are in the right place. All of the men here are in various stages of our recovery. I know I have more joy in my life now and am gaining back my childhood. The innocence is there still. That beautiful boy is still there. He was wounded...severally..but he is one strong boy who has protected me. Now I can help him to remember what it is like to feel alive. I am no longer an empty shell or a dead man walking. Slowly, I am becoming whole. We all have that hope.

Matt


Top
#306989 - 10/18/09 09:01 PM Re: My life so far.... [Re: Matt0487]
wondering Offline


Registered: 10/16/09
Posts: 10
Loc: LI N.Y.
freedom and Matt,
Thanks for the encouragement. I am so upset at myself for never really opening up to anyone about this. In the last two days I have talked to two brothers and one sister. In all they are surprised, I have learned that my mother was abused by a relative that I was also around at an early age. I was also around his family members at some time.
I guess right now I'm mad that what shaped my childhood was something so disgusting and that it screwed me up so badly. At this point finding the person who molested me at an early age is not what I'm after it's the "yes" your not imagining this
it could of been so and so, or the harsh fact that my parents know the truth and thought all along that I was ok. I think the later may hurt a bit more. I look at my two daughters and see how impressionable they are at the ages of 5 and 10. The people who hurt us out there should be given a life sentence, didn't we get one.......



Edited by wondering (10/18/09 09:02 PM)
_________________________
"start liking yourself first and the healing will come"

Top
#307000 - 10/18/09 09:54 PM Re: My life so far.... [Re: wondering]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted By: wondering
or the harsh fact that my parents know the truth and thought all along that I was ok. I think the later may hurt a bit more.

The people who hurt us out there should be given a life sentence, didn't we get one.......


Oh man, I SO get this Wondering. I so get this!

I am 52, carried my secret for 38, and only this past April told my parents. Of course they were shocked, and upset. And no, for a long time, I was not "ok". I'm getting there, like everyone here. Some days are better then others. But, I'm getting there.

As for the life sentence, it sure feels like that some days. The perp that abused me is dead. And rotting in hell I hope.

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

Top
#307069 - 10/19/09 05:46 AM Re: My life so far.... [Re: Geeders]
wondering Offline


Registered: 10/16/09
Posts: 10
Loc: LI N.Y.
Jim,
It's amazing we carry this around for so long. I guess it's time that should of been
much better for us. I am looking forward to a new therapist and getting some answers. My god, we should of been helped!

_________________________
"start liking yourself first and the healing will come"

Top
#307072 - 10/19/09 06:46 AM Re: My life so far.... [Re: wondering]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
yea, wondering.....you should have been both helped and reimbursed by a religious institution that was basically complicit in the sexual abuse of a vulnerable child. sickening. sorry brother, i hope you get what you need in your recovery process. good luck with your therapist.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#307151 - 10/19/09 06:11 PM Re: My life so far.... [Re: Sans Logos]
wondering Offline


Registered: 10/16/09
Posts: 10
Loc: LI N.Y.
I am in the process of reliving my childhood, why oh why does it seem so much was hidden in my mind. I remember feelings of disconnect, awkwardness around girls and
anger. Anger inside I would take it out during sports. Why don't I know who I was growing up??? Sex happened some times but masterbation was it a comfort zone.
Asexual-don't think so just confused. I need to talk to someone soon. On the train in to work I felt my chest tighten with trying to remember the sexual molestation as a child. I have flashes of a penis a large one and a small one, in my mouth the small one. He was making us do it??????? This is so f-uped. I need to relax and talk......

_________________________
"start liking yourself first and the healing will come"

Top
#307239 - 10/20/09 01:00 AM Re: My life so far.... [Re: wondering]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1977
wondering,

Keep working on it. It hurts, but there is peace in being able to work through this stuff. You can't make it just magically disappear, but you can look at it and learn and then learn even more that you can move on with things and it does not define your life. This web site is as good a place as any to get some questions answered or just share your feelings. Remember to take deep breaths when it gets to be a little too much and keep reaching out. You are not alone, and many guys here have walked that same path you now find yourself on where you are just starting to understand there are issues and are looking for answers. You will find lots of support here.

Eric


Top
#307257 - 10/20/09 04:47 AM Re: My life so far.... [Re: ericc]
wondering Offline


Registered: 10/16/09
Posts: 10
Loc: LI N.Y.
Eric,
Thanks, deep breaths are good. You sound very kind. This is a great site and I'm glade I found it. Sometimes it consumes me and I have to let go. I'm getting away for the weekend to relax. I hope to see my new therapist this week.......

_________________________
"start liking yourself first and the healing will come"

Top
#307344 - 10/20/09 06:41 PM Re: My life so far.... [Re: wondering]
wondering Offline


Registered: 10/16/09
Posts: 10
Loc: LI N.Y.
Over the weekend I talked to my brothers and sisters. None of them ever experienced
abuse growing up. They were great and tried to help me. My oldest sister did lead on to someone in the family that was an abuser. I as a kid hated going over to this house a a small child. Connection, hmm? I have to talk to my parents about my youth, I was so angry, upset at the world, out of place sexually. I talked today to my sister we took a long walk in NYC where we both work, today was beautiful. She is such a rock, it's nice to have her to lean on. She also thinks there is a connection with this person or their family. I hold my head and think why I lived my life so long not coming to terms with this. I could of had a normal childhood? Who knows, I just want my issues dealt with. It's all coming back as I dive further into the blackness that ruined my youth. God bless you all!




Edited by wondering (10/20/09 06:42 PM)
_________________________
"start liking yourself first and the healing will come"

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.