Newest Members
Lumpy, squeekinby, rhyoung, Jefferson22, OxfordArms
12369 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
aleja (40), bc22 (47), DavidMI (40), Forrest_Gump (39), Jay1946 (68), Malc4 (29), mpm01 (49), widpaulman (43)
Who's Online
3 registered (Bluedogone, JW1230, 1 invisible), 21 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12369 Members
74 Forums
63575 Topics
444168 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#307352 - 10/20/09 07:52 PM Re: Help on support [Re: Geeders]
DrBob Offline


Registered: 10/15/09
Posts: 11
Guys,

It is all helpful so please keep it coming. He had a major meltdown this afternoon. Yes the behavior can be frustrating. I am trying to figure a way to be there and supportive for both him (and his mother) while establishing boundaries in behavior as I feel deeply that certain boundaries must be established. We worked through the meltdown. In general, he doesn't feel safe but doesn't know why (or won't say why) so we talked about how he is always safe near me and his mother. We are a "safezone." He also is fearful that I will just pay attention to my two biological sons and give up on him. I addressed that with him as well so he knows there is no giving up. I also spoke to him about his feelings of his own self worth and made him say out loud that he knows he is loved by his mother, myself, brothers, and sisters. We also spoke about his own intrinsic value as a person (that he is a very worthy human being) as his self esteem is zero. He felt better in saying those things out loud - affirmations.

I took him to his therapist tonight. His therapist told his mother she is not recommending to the child's attorney (GAL)any increase in visitation or overnight stays for the upcoming court hearing. Tks!



Edited by DrBob (10/20/09 07:53 PM)

Top
#307373 - 10/20/09 10:07 PM Re: Help on support [Re: DrBob]
behindthewall Offline


Registered: 07/28/08
Posts: 126
Loc: US
....


Top
#307428 - 10/21/09 05:40 AM Re: Help on support [Re: behindthewall]
DrBob Offline


Registered: 10/15/09
Posts: 11
My intention is/was to do something to try to get him thinking good thoughts about himself. Nothing to do with control. Does anybody have any suggestions to aid him in thinking better of himself? What worked for you? Tks...



Edited by DrBob (10/21/09 05:41 AM)

Top
#307432 - 10/21/09 07:39 AM Re: Help on support [Re: DrBob]
behindthewall Offline


Registered: 07/28/08
Posts: 126
Loc: US
.....



Edited by behindthewall (11/21/11 11:29 AM)

Top
#307441 - 10/21/09 09:14 AM Re: Help on support [Re: behindthewall]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Start telling him what a good kid he is, how much you love him. Give him lots of hugs and personal attention. Play games with him, in the house and outside. Reinforce the positives. If you're genuine he'll know. If you're not he'll know that as well.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#307688 - 10/23/09 01:23 AM Re: Help on support [Re: WalkingSouth]
Shadow+Walker Offline


Registered: 04/16/09
Posts: 287
Loc: desolate foggy nights, USA
DrBob,
Thanks for being there for your step-son. I am really impressed with how you are doing. I bet you are going in the right direction, and you are probably making greater progress than what you feel.

From my perspective, experience and observation as a survivor, most materials address the topic once the victim becomes aware of the csa, and begins wrestling with the concious thought procresses. There was nothing that helped me while my weird memories floated around in my head. Once I was old enough to understand sexual behavior and especially later to experience sexuality, then I began to make mental associations with what happened when I was a kid. Then I recognized I was a victim and why I emotionally felt the way I often did. Picture a man who got pick-pocketed walking down the street. He reaches into his pockets to discover his wallet missing. At first he may wonder if he left his wallet in his other pants. However, he soon collects enough mental pieces to know that he had his wallet when he started on his walk and then it dawns on him, that strange episode when the person brushed up against him. Your son may be in any one of the phases. My recognition came at it's own time. I had no control over it. People even asked me directly if I had been molested and I stood there assuring them that nothing ever happened. Now I am like, "oh that's what they were asking about..." I was not being deceitful; I just didn't connect with what they were talking about.

Peace,
Shadow+Walker

_________________________
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. (St Paul, 2Timothy 1:7) NIV

Check out a cool song by a hot band..."Unbreakable" by Fireflight: official video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWRJAHaOrYg

Top
#307706 - 10/23/09 07:13 AM Re: Help on support [Re: Shadow+Walker]
DrBob Offline


Registered: 10/15/09
Posts: 11
I can't thank you enough for your insight. I would like your opinion from the survivors' perspective on the following. My stepson has been increasingly asking about what happened to his sister and I told him that he needs to ask her. He is planning on doing that tonight when she gets home from college.
How do you think he will take it, and do you think it is time to tell him? His psychiatrist did not have an opinion as whether to tell or not, because he did tell the psychiatrist that nobody will tell him what happened to his sister. She [psychiatrist] did say that it is not up to us to tell him and that he can ask his sister what happened. If she feels comfortable, she can tell him if she wants.

Please give me some input. and Thank You...


Top
#307826 - 10/24/09 02:08 AM Re: Help on support [Re: DrBob]
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
Originally Posted By: DrBob
My stepson has been increasingly asking about what happened to his sister and I told him that he needs to ask her. He is planning on doing that tonight when she gets home from college.
How do you think he will take it, and do you think it is time to tell him?


if he's asking, increasingly esp. but even- which is impressive, he wants to know despite the discouragement of not receiving answers when he first asked, yes, it's time.

psych advice sounds wise- don't know if you'd want to tell daughter ahead for her own prep/decisions re what she wanted to share or even re her faciliating the opening of the discussion, but either way , it seems yes it's time for him to ask her. even if she's not comfortable answering now (thoughi suspect she may be) she could explain that to him and see if it's something she's comfortable in the future with or with a T faciliating if she did have any hesitations- just covering all possible bases,

Much Hope and Healing, An

ps (i'm female survivor)



Edited by An (10/24/09 02:11 AM)
Edit Reason: to add ps

Top
#307938 - 10/25/09 08:15 AM Re: Help on support [Re: Geeders]
DrBob Offline


Registered: 10/15/09
Posts: 11
I am deeply appreciative of all your responses. I spent some time at 1in6.org under the "survivor" area. Reading it really helped me understand more why my son won't disclose. Some of the things he says [son] are practically verbatim for that site and area on memory.



Edited by DrBob (10/25/09 06:30 PM)

Top
#307941 - 10/25/09 08:44 AM Re: Help on support [Re: DrBob]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Some ideas...

When Teenage Boys Have been Sexually Abused

More resources
National Clearing House on Family Violence

Hoep this helps a bit. Did your step-son talk with his sister?

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

Top
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.