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#30661 - 03/20/05 03:07 AM Forgiveness again, very long
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
I have been here, and considered to tell one of these people who abuse me that I will give him forgiveness, like I post before. It have not been ver ygood week here, for me or for really any of our group who is at this competition. Just have been long year.

I make mistakes here, and get angry and upset with myself, and first I think no, maybe I will not do this forgiveness, because I get angry with him too. Like it is, that he make me do mistakes? That is just wrong. Maybe things he done in past affect me, in different ways, every day. But still, my actions are my own. My mistakes and messing up with things, that is my own. I control myself, and am responsible for what I do. So, if I blame him for how I do here, or next year, in competing, that just is stupid.

So I seen this man, last night, because he been here all week also, of course. I seen him before, earlier in week, but needed more to concentrate on things. But I seen him last night, with friend of mine with me. I think he was quite surprised, to have me approach him, because normal if I see him, I will just look away and try to be away from him.

He say something to me, and I tell him I need to say something to him. I was quite surprised he do not walk away, it look like he is going to. I tell him that what he done to me, what he done to others, it is worse thing anyone can do to another person. He start to say something like he do not know what I am talking of, and I just ignored that and I keep on talking, which I know is very rude. I tell him that it is quite easy to see he is afraid now, afraid of us. Because he continue to try to threat, or scare, these people he have hurt, to try to keep control of us. That I think it is sad, that he do not have such control in life, he think he must do that to have any control in anything.

I tell him that the report I make on him, with the police last year, it is still there. (I know that really been done of it, but maybe he do not know that? I don't know). That I will report him again if I feel like it. Because that is MY control now, and it will never be gone again. He can not change that. He can not undoe what was done, and he can not make me forget it, or ignore it, or not care of it. Because he do not have me in his power no more.

But then I tell him, I do not know what make you into this creature you are. I do not care what life did to you. That is not my care, because my care is what life does to me and to people I love. Maybe something happen to make him this evil person. I think really it must be that, because I like to think that God do not make just evil persons. But, I am sorry for him, and his life. To have to live in that fear, always, to have to lose it all from one person saying something to right person. To have to live his life looking behind him always, and to not be able to enjoy now and future. That is something very sad to me.

And that it will be for God to decide what will become of his soul. But that me, I am able to feel in my heart for him, and pray for him, and to forgive him for his behavior of me. Not legally forgive him, that will not happen. If he is to be held legally responsible, then he will, I will not stop that, I will help it. But from inside me, to whatever dark things are inside him, I am able to move on from what he did to me. Not because of who he is. But because of who I am. He has given me opportunity to be more of a man then maybe I would have been. I do not thank him for that, never, of course. But I have raised myself above of him and that. And I am happy with who and what I am, and what is ahead in my life. I am sad that he has arranged for his life to be basically over already. (I am reading this back, what I said to him, and I am realizing maybe it is not forgiveness I said. I did not actually say that word, but I can not remember exactly how I say it.)

I did tell him that I will continue to pray for him. I do not know it will work, but I will try I suppose.

When I was speaking to him, his face was mostly just straight, just not showing nothing. He did not even say nothing, to tell me I am stupid or liar or anything, which I think he will do. But when I tell him I still will pray for him, and that I am sorry for what he has created as his life, I seen something in his face, in his eyes. I seen not the monster I always think he is, and maybe he is. But I seen someone scared, and someone human. And something else, that I am not sure what it is. Not relief. Maybe guilt, I am not sure. But something soft. Something I never seen in him before. And this is someone I train with almost full 7 years. I think I seen every look on his face before. But never that one.

And after all of that, after that speaking to him, he stand there and stare at me for a minute I think, and then walk away. I am no sure what I would thought if he say anything, I do not know what he would have been able to say. I am glad he did not try. My friend, who know of the history with this man, and most of other things, give me a hug, and for one of few times, it feel ok.

The week has been very long, the season have been very long in sport. But now, the disappointing of what I done this week, it is not so bad. I can feel more good of myself I think then I would if I even won here. (well, maybe not that!) But I was human. And I get to see someone else as human. And know that myself and my life is already, so much, better then what his ever was or will be. I do feel sad for him. But I feel happy now for me, and for all of us here, who have more positive things for us then those who hurt us.

I have been writing of this for few hours now, need to try to go to sleep. I am sorry this is so long.

andrei


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#30662 - 03/20/05 04:10 AM Re: Forgiveness again, very long
self_righting Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 69
Loc: Tampa, FL
Andrei,

You are very brave.

John


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#30663 - 03/20/05 05:21 PM Re: Forgiveness again, very long
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Andrei,
I love what you did for yourself, thank you for telling us about it. As for your on-ice performance .... you have not been enjoying optimum health this year which makes it very difficult to compete at the highest levels. I thought you did very well considering the challenges you have had. You are very young in your sport and will have many years ahead to practice stepping up on the podiums. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#30664 - 03/20/05 05:36 PM Re: Forgiveness again, very long
Charlie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 148
Not many people have the strength in them to do what you did. You're very brave.


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#30665 - 03/20/05 05:38 PM Re: Forgiveness again, very long
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Andrei,

you have shown so much courage to us all, I am glad you can now move on to better things,

I hope you win at your sport,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#30666 - 03/20/05 11:19 PM Re: Forgiveness again, very long
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Andr4ei I had to come here to say that you are truly a unique young man and that it is so damned exciting to see you take back control of your own life. You are truly a MAN. And as Andrew says your health has not be, shall we say, excellent this year. And you will have plenty of practice stepping on the podium in years to come. For me you are already on the podium of happiness.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#30667 - 03/21/05 02:07 PM Re: Forgiveness again, very long
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Androsh,

I have been so worried and frightened ever since you told me you were going to meet and talk with this coach. You know I think this man is totally evil and capable of anything.

Before you left the States, though, you told me, and I FINALLY realized, that you were doing this for YOU. This is your way of taking your life back! I understand now. I'm glad you had backup, though.

Androsh, I am so damn proud of you! I told you before that I was proud of you, and that was not based solely on your skating performances, but based on being Andrei, the man. I am proud of you, buddy.

I've said it many times, you are wise way beyond your years! You are a bigger and better man right now at 19 years old than I will EVER be. I totally respect you, Androsh. Totally!

Damn, I'm crying again! I hate that!

Ya teybya lyublyu, mvoi brat! Always!


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#30668 - 03/21/05 07:16 PM Re: Forgiveness again, very long
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 473
Loc: UK
Andrei

I felt moved and heartened by your determined courage and humanity. What can I say but well done.


Rustam.


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#30669 - 03/24/05 06:22 PM Re: Forgiveness again, very long
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
god, andrei - you are so incredible -
you are a champion

i am stunned speechless right now -

you are amazing

mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#30670 - 03/27/05 02:23 AM Re: Forgiveness again, very long
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Andrei,
Quote:
But still, my actions are my own. My mistakes and messing up with things, that is my own. I control myself, and am responsible for what I do.
To me, that shows that you have taken back your life. It also shows me that you did win there.

I'm so glad I came by tonight to see this thread.

Tvoi drook,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#30671 - 03/29/05 01:31 AM Re: Forgiveness again, very long
Glen Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 71
Loc: Wisconsin
I think andrei is awesome! I know I will never be able to forgive my perp, too much anger and resentment.

_________________________
Please tell me why..

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#30672 - 04/12/05 03:22 PM Re: Forgiveness again, very long
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I am responding to this, because although I have had you tell me this, I have not until now been able to read it. You did a good thing, a strong thing, and showed the heart that is so big within you. I hope that this event is never used against you in any way. But YOU are the winner here. Thank you for showing me another way of dealing, and continuing to live by what you feel.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#30673 - 04/12/05 04:44 PM Re: Forgiveness again, very long
LostinPA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 120
Loc: Lancaster, PA
I am new here and would like very much to know "ak" how in the world did you ever get there? I see in you a higher dispensation granted in your heart that has never been granted mine. I want your courage too. Good luck with whatever it is you do.

_________________________
LostinPA
Ric

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#30674 - 05/21/05 02:03 AM Re: Forgiveness again, very long
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
putting this up for someone to read.


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