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#306572 - 10/15/09 01:35 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Geeders]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted By: Geeders
I will prevail over all the hardships you have placed in my way. I will emerge victorious, with my fist raised high in the air declaring my right to be who I really am!


I wrote this almost a year ago. Now, almost a year later I am stunned at what is another one of those Karma moments for me.

For anyone who was at Alta in Septmeber, remember those tableau's, or sculptures we did as a group? Man, there I was "with my fist raised high in the air declaring my right to be who I really am! "

Whodathunk it??? This is almost scary! grin

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#306575 - 10/15/09 01:50 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Geeders]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Thanks again Jim! After I've put myself back together from reading all the years worth of prior posts and more souls who've had to become survivors I'm going to work on this. I almost started one with this name a month or so ago, but wasn't ready yet.

S

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#306579 - 10/15/09 02:27 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: sono]
TGIK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/11/09
Posts: 72
Loc: NY,NY 10011

Hi guys,

I guess I am about 2 months into this process. I can't go into as much detail about what I lost, or what was taken from me, but I can at least talk about something that I saw as a thread through here. It seemed that many responses here touch on how the abuse affected their intimacy with others. My entire adult life has my first abuser all over it. I started seeing a whole history of intimate encounters where I just wasnt able to be there. something would always tell me to stop what I was doing. I can think back to my early 20s where I would get so uncomfortable with sex that I just couldnt finish. 20 years later at 41, am I now seeing it. I was never able to really look at it till now.

tgik



Edited by TGIK (10/15/09 02:29 PM)
Edit Reason: edited

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#306581 - 10/15/09 03:03 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: TGIK]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, All.

I am glad this thread was bumped to us new guys.

My thinking is changing as I am in Therapy and uncovering the incestual and sexual abuse messages. I discovering those things "hidden" from me that has lasted 35 years. I would say the below items were taken away or hidden from me and stolen for awhile.

I am reclaiming the below as I get in touch with the feelings I was not allowed 35 years ago.

1. Sense of self-worth
2. My sanity - although I claim a sense of altered identities
3. My confidence with intimacy
4. Sense of safety
5. Ability to learn to trust others
6. Ability to expect others to earn my trust of them
7. NON assumption of intentions - mine and others
8. Clearer boundaries
9. Ability to have fun
10.Ability to express my sexual desires freely
11.Ability to socialize without fear of rejection
12.Ability to be void of any impulse to
13.Sense of sanity
14.Ability to interact with most everybody.

DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#435937 - 05/27/13 03:39 AM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Muldoon]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Ok I just have to put this out here again.
I feel that so much of the possible good times have been taken from me these last 7 years. I thought that I was so close to moving forward and putting this behind me but the church decided to run and hide from the TRUTH.

I have come to understand what a shity father I was to my little girl as she was growing up. The ability to be a good parent was stolen from me and I don't know if I can ever make it up to her. I failed as a parent because I was hiding in the silence. This is F***ed

Tom
_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#442148 - 07/25/13 03:51 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Muldoon]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
I just wanted to add one other thing here. I was just in the hospital for 9 days and I really began to understand how I have no trust in others. I demanded that everything be explained to me, before he nurse or doctors could do anything. I should have trust in these people who are doing their jobs. I must be in total control at all times and just do not trust others.

Tom
_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#442230 - 07/26/13 11:24 AM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Muldoon]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 594
Wow . . . what a thread.

Its so hard to know what was stolen, and who stole what. The emotional abuse of my parents and the CSA from 3 others worked in a hideous unintentional partnership, so I can't say for sure what was stolen by whom. So with the disclaimer that I'm not sure who stole what:

*A chance at having a normal brain. When I first learned that research is showing that survivors have damaged limbic systems, that made so much sense to me. I don't manage emotions the way other people do, and it goes beyond just never learning how.

*The consistent sense of believing its ok for me to be alive. I spend so much time being sure that my very existence is hurting other people, and I have to make up for it by trying to be as small and sacrificial as possible.

*normal sleep.

*there are more, so many more. but that's all I can deal with right now.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#442247 - 07/26/13 04:04 PM Re: That which was Stolen from us. [Re: Muldoon]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1356
You stole my relationship with my father, who loved me as much as I loved him, yet I kept him at a distance so he wouldn't discover the dirty and guilty little soul you made me think I was. His last words to me before a surgery he did not survive: "You are a very private person and I wish I knew you better - but I know you love me." Yeah. THAT'S what you STOLE from me. I hope it was worth the selfish little pleasures you made me give you. It certainly wasn't worth mine.

You stole my relationship with girls, maybe my future wife and family because every time I started to make my "moves" I felt like YOU and couldn't go further. Nothing was worse than being YOU. I didn't know how to be a man, only how to be your girlfriend.

You stole from me my relationship with myself - that when you had your fun with me, my body responded while my heart rebelled, leaving me alone to reconcile the split with all the sophisticated perspectives and mental tools of a 13 year old boy. I hated my body for being a traitor, and at a deep level I just didn't want to know myself anymore.

But here is what you did not steal...

You did not take away my integrity, my sensitivity, my talents, my decency, my friends, and my ability to climb out of the depths of shame and secrecy. My dad called me a little bouncing ball. You took me down, but didn't count on me bouncing back up.

You took my choices away - you took my virginity and my body, and you took my autonomy like a hand in a puppet. You took so much. But you made one big mistake. You left my heart. And that is all I really needed. The irony is amazing - I see you now, rotting away in that facility, and realize that for all you took, you have NOTHING. And for all I had to give, I have everything - everything that's truly important.

And if things work the way I hope they do, I will see you again soon. In a court room. I'll be the one without the bailiff. I'll be the one smiling. And I'll be the one walking into the sunshine after the gavel falls.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#442251 - 07/26/13 05:21 PM ! [Re: Muldoon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:06 PM)

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