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#306368 - 10/13/09 08:45 PM Speaking help
JonathanKhonsu Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/18/03
Posts: 72
Loc: PA
So I signed up to give a speech about my coming out story. The speech is due tomorrow. I'm working on what to include and what not to include cause I came out to my parents as gay only after a councilor in my first year of college broke confidentiality and told them I had been assaulted when I was 14. I'm bi but my parents wouldn't understand that. Also at the time of my coming out I was dealing with issues of drug abuse. Now I'm clean and sober. I'm just in a state of what do I talk about and part of me wants to mention how being a survivor affected the conversations that were had.

_________________________
"Ave atque Vale"

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#306376 - 10/13/09 09:40 PM Re: Speaking help [Re: JonathanKhonsu]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
jon

in recovery circles they tell you when doing a lead and sharing your story, talk about your experience, your strength and hope.

what happened in your life that hurt you? how much of that do you feel safe sharing. i personally feel it best to talk about the victimization of the past, but heavily tempered with the survivor mentality.

also, what happened to change the way you were reacting to the painful events of the past.

what are you doing now to stay focused on solutions that will support your efforts to build a better future for yourself? does your plan for the future include becoming involved in activism, and helping others to benefit from hearing about the struggles you have dealt with?

is it really important to label yourself except to say you are undeclared in your orientation?

idk, i'm just throwing out some ideas there for you to chomp on. i'd say definitely start with an outline, then fill in the details.

good luck,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#306396 - 10/14/09 12:24 AM Re: Speaking help [Re: Sans Logos]
JonathanKhonsu Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/18/03
Posts: 72
Loc: PA
Thanks. Here's what I finally submitted for better or worse.

Passage

Scars,
Rights of Passage,
Proof of my inner strength,
And Ironically
My utter fragility.

They mark me,
these tattoos etched into my being,
A constant reminder of my shame, A constant sign of hope.
I survived the worst of it. I can survive the rest.
Breathing one breath at a time.
Taking each moment.
Knowing in time it gets easier.

These scars, these blessings, this curse.
As they grow old, I remember when they were still pink;
me lost within an inner nightmare.
I look at those scars when Iím weary
and know Iím not that child anymore.
Iím older. Iím stronger.
And I Survive.

--Kt 08/15/08

All my life I knew I was different. When my first major crush was a guy, I pretty much figured out what that difference was. I identified as I liked other boys , but I wasnít gay. I was sexually assaulted when I was 14. Itís not why I usually date guys, and It made my own coming out to myself that much harder. My attacker identified as heterosexual. He would have been just horrified to be labeled gay. Well thatís just how the dice roll sometimes. I spent years hating myself and questioning myself just because of what one person did to me. I told no one until later in my life. At the time I really didnít have the tools to deal with what had happened. My sophomore year I felt so alone and isolated I committed suicide. For what ever reason I survived. I swore I would never put myself in that position again. In the end I had to step back from the situation. I was just like I wonít give anyone that much power to ruin my life.

When I came out, bisexuality was not an option. I love my parents dearly, but they wouldnít have understood. Most of the people in my life wouldnít have understood either. One misconception people have is that all bisexual people are interested in threesomes. Iím not and never will be interested in threesomes. When Iím with a man Iím with a man and when Iím with a woman Iím with a woman. Me, personally, I happen to prefer guys. People also tend to confuse being Bisexual with Questioning. One of my best gay friends used to say bisexual people just didnít know they were gay yet. Little did she know.

I came out as gay during my senior year of high school. My friends suddenly became...well ...not. And, the dreaded jocks who made my life rather miserable before actually stood up for me. The teachers just freaked at the mere mention of gay, to them I only came out as an advocate and got promptly sent to the guidance office for Ďmy own protectioní. Only a hand full of teachers didnít totally lose their minds. One was one of the finest supporters Iíve ever met. Did I mention I was in a conservative Christian high school. My life was threatened on two occasions, but for the most part I was surprised how well most of the student body took everything.

At the same time I was trying to figure out how to breach the subject with my parents. To say that there was some tension between my parents and I is putting it mildly. My parents put manners and social eloquence pretty high up on the things you must master list. I on the other hand had recently developed in their eyes this courser persona. In my own eyes it was more of ĎI really donít care what you think of me as long as I was living by the motto ďto thy own self be trueĒí. I thought my parents would throw me out once they found out. I ended up having a bag at home, in case I had to leave quickly, and a bag at school, just in case. Somehow I survived that last year of school. I lived the motto just ďeffe them all.Ē

I was forced to come out to my parents a year later. It was my first year of college. I confided in one of the guidance councilors and she promptly broke confidentiality and notified my parents I that I had been assaulted years earlier. I was humiliated. It apparently had also been indicated that I was not straight. My parents confronted me with a councilor present. I told my parents that I was gay. That was the hardest thing Iíve ever experienced. The next words out of my Momís mouth just dropped me to the floor. She was like, oh, well we knew that. My parents were just like we accept you and love you no mater who you are.

Its funny in a dark comedic way I spent half of my life trying to hide that piece of myself, and to my parents it didnít nearly phase them as much as I thought it would. Thatís not to say that there was never any culture shock or anything, but now we work though any questions or difficulties instead of remaining silent and staring each other down. In the years that followed I learned about my momís place in history. She marched on Washington in her era against the Vietnam War. In the 80's she fought for fair wages for child care workers as well as benefits for hospital workers. She also spoke out in support of a local high school having a GSA (Gay Straight Alliance). She has been a teacher of the year on two occasions in her field. One of her programs won a best program award. She has been an educational ambassador to South Africa. She also had a tendency and the tenacity to help students that would otherwise slip through the cracks. At lest one of these students is gay, and now living in a committed relationship and has two daughters. Meeting this one man my mother helped to save was just the surrealist moment. My mom who I was terrified of became my biggest advocate and my hero. My father and I finally understand a little of where each other is coming from. He has learned that Iím not him and wonít necessarily make the same mistakes he made. This is not a phase for me, and I wonít just get over it. We actually bonded over our distaste of organized religion, some of our political viewpoints, and our love of history. Its cool cause he gets the parts Mom really isnít comfortable with, and Mom understands the pieces that Dad just will never understand.

I still havenít come out to them as bisexual. For me the timeís just not right. Iím pretty high on the Kinseyís scale as gay yet I have to acknowledge that there have been times that Iíve been attracted to the fairer sex, as infrequent as those fleeting wisps of time have been. Iím just trying to be true to myself and fair to others in how I label myself, thatís all and nothing more. So in conclusion my lesson learned is that when youíre open and honest with people they will usually surprise you.




Edited by JonathanKhonsu (10/14/09 12:33 AM)
_________________________
"Ave atque Vale"

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#306398 - 10/14/09 12:44 AM Re: Speaking help [Re: JonathanKhonsu]
JonathanKhonsu Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/18/03
Posts: 72
Loc: PA
oh ron,
What you wrote really did give me stuff to chomp on. It helped tremendously. Thank you.

_________________________
"Ave atque Vale"

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#306427 - 10/14/09 09:52 AM Re: Speaking help [Re: JonathanKhonsu]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hey jon, thanks for sharing what you wrote. it has a great deal of interest, and triumph.... and i even think i heard the rocky theme playing at the end. LOL i hope everything goes well with this.

o, yea, wanted to mention i love the poem as well. starting with the poem really focuses the tone on triumph and accents the positives in what could otherwise be a depressing revelation.

this will go over well i think..... it did for me anyway.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#306466 - 10/14/09 01:51 PM Re: Speaking help [Re: JonathanKhonsu]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
I'd just like to say that I think what you wrote Jon was very well done. It was real for me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It didn't seem fictional at all. I can see a man living your life in my mind. It was heartfelt, and heartwarming, to see the resolutions that emanate from your struggles.

Breathing one breath at a time.
Taking each moment.
Knowing in time it gets easier

I look at those scars when Iím weary
and know Iím not that child anymore.
Iím older. Iím stronger.
And I Survive.



Keep writing! I think you are very good at it!

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#306468 - 10/14/09 02:44 PM Re: Speaking help [Re: Geeders]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2436
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother.

A very couragous post, from the very depths of your heart and soul.

We struggle in life trying to come to terms with just who and what we are sexually.

For me, all my sexual pleasures came from my male agressor as a young boy. I loved him and he loved me.

I have just recently came to the conclusion that I was always Gay, but it was always just under the concious level, until all those long buried sexual abuse memories came to the surface.

Little Pete & big Pete have finally admitted just who and what we are sexually in our heart and soul. Gay.

After all it was my male sexual abuser who gave me, his full attention, his love & his warmpth to this little boy who was seeking someone to love him. Something that his "mother" refused to do. Unfortunately it was the wrong kind of love and attention.

So for 55+ years I didn't know me until now.

Heal well my fraternal brother jon, heal well.

" I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness into the sunshine, forever into eternity".

Little Pete & big Pete.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#306520 - 10/14/09 10:47 PM Re: Speaking help [Re: petercorbett]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
WOW Jon, that was wonderful, thank you for sharing.

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#306536 - 10/15/09 04:03 AM Re: Speaking help [Re: TNuss]
Tuggs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/20/07
Posts: 53
Loc: Pensacola, Florida, USA.
Agreed, very well written. You have a talent, I really liked the poem. Just a thought I might consider reading it again at the end.

Very brave and heartfelt!

Thank you for sharing.

Rob

_________________________
ďIím alive. Youíre alive. Want to play?Ē
-Judah Rosner

My Story

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