So I signed up to give a speech about my coming out story. The speech is due tomorrow. I'm working on what to include and what not to include cause I came out to my parents as gay only after a councilor in my first year of college broke confidentiality and told them I had been assaulted when I was 14. I'm bi but my parents wouldn't understand that. Also at the time of my coming out I was dealing with issues of drug abuse. Now I'm clean and sober. I'm just in a state of what do I talk about and part of me wants to mention how being a survivor affected the conversations that were had.

jon

in recovery circles they tell you when doing a lead and sharing your story, talk about your experience, your strength and hope.

what happened in your life that hurt you? how much of that do you feel safe sharing. i personally feel it best to talk about the victimization of the past, but heavily tempered with the survivor mentality.

also, what happened to change the way you were reacting to the painful events of the past.

what are you doing now to stay focused on solutions that will support your efforts to build a better future for yourself? does your plan for the future include becoming involved in activism, and helping others to benefit from hearing about the struggles you have dealt with?

is it really important to label yourself except to say you are undeclared in your orientation?

idk, i'm just throwing out some ideas there for you to chomp on. i'd say definitely start with an outline, then fill in the details.

good luck,

ron

Thanks. Here's what I finally submitted for better or worse.

Passage

Scars,
Rights of Passage,
Proof of my inner strength,
And Ironically
My utter fragility.

They mark me,
these tattoos etched into my being,
A constant reminder of my shame, A constant sign of hope.
I survived the worst of it. I can survive the rest.
Breathing one breath at a time.
Taking each moment.
Knowing in time it gets easier.

These scars, these blessings, this curse.
As they grow old, I remember when they were still pink;
me lost within an inner nightmare.
I look at those scars when I’m weary
and know I’m not that child anymore.
I’m older. I’m stronger.
And I Survive.

--Kt 08/15/08

All my life I knew I was different. When my first major crush was a guy, I pretty much figured out what that difference was. I identified as I liked other boys , but I wasn’t gay. I was sexually assaulted when I was 14. It’s not why I usually date guys, and It made my own coming out to myself that much harder. My attacker identified as heterosexual. He would have been just horrified to be labeled gay. Well that’s just how the dice roll sometimes. I spent years hating myself and questioning myself just because of what one person did to me. I told no one until later in my life. At the time I really didn’t have the tools to deal with what had happened. My sophomore year I felt so alone and isolated I committed suicide. For what ever reason I survived. I swore I would never put myself in that position again. In the end I had to step back from the situation. I was just like I won’t give anyone that much power to ruin my life.

When I came out, bisexuality was not an option. I love my parents dearly, but they wouldn’t have understood. Most of the people in my life wouldn’t have understood either. One misconception people have is that all bisexual people are interested in threesomes. I’m not and never will be interested in threesomes. When I’m with a man I’m with a man and when I’m with a woman I’m with a woman. Me, personally, I happen to prefer guys. People also tend to confuse being Bisexual with Questioning. One of my best gay friends used to say bisexual people just didn’t know they were gay yet. Little did she know.

I came out as gay during my senior year of high school. My friends suddenly became...well ...not. And, the dreaded jocks who made my life rather miserable before actually stood up for me. The teachers just freaked at the mere mention of gay, to them I only came out as an advocate and got promptly sent to the guidance office for ‘my own protection’. Only a hand full of teachers didn’t totally lose their minds. One was one of the finest supporters I’ve ever met. Did I mention I was in a conservative Christian high school. My life was threatened on two occasions, but for the most part I was surprised how well most of the student body took everything.

At the same time I was trying to figure out how to breach the subject with my parents. To say that there was some tension between my parents and I is putting it mildly. My parents put manners and social eloquence pretty high up on the things you must master list. I on the other hand had recently developed in their eyes this courser persona. In my own eyes it was more of ‘I really don’t care what you think of me as long as I was living by the motto “to thy own self be true”’. I thought my parents would throw me out once they found out. I ended up having a bag at home, in case I had to leave quickly, and a bag at school, just in case. Somehow I survived that last year of school. I lived the motto just “effe them all.”

I was forced to come out to my parents a year later. It was my first year of college. I confided in one of the guidance councilors and she promptly broke confidentiality and notified my parents I that I had been assaulted years earlier. I was humiliated. It apparently had also been indicated that I was not straight. My parents confronted me with a councilor present. I told my parents that I was gay. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. The next words out of my Mom’s mouth just dropped me to the floor. She was like, oh, well we knew that. My parents were just like we accept you and love you no mater who you are.

Its funny in a dark comedic way I spent half of my life trying to hide that piece of myself, and to my parents it didn’t nearly phase them as much as I thought it would. That’s not to say that there was never any culture shock or anything, but now we work though any questions or difficulties instead of remaining silent and staring each other down. In the years that followed I learned about my mom’s place in history. She marched on Washington in her era against the Vietnam War. In the 80's she fought for fair wages for child care workers as well as benefits for hospital workers. She also spoke out in support of a local high school having a GSA (Gay Straight Alliance). She has been a teacher of the year on two occasions in her field. One of her programs won a best program award. She has been an educational ambassador to South Africa. She also had a tendency and the tenacity to help students that would otherwise slip through the cracks. At lest one of these students is gay, and now living in a committed relationship and has two daughters. Meeting this one man my mother helped to save was just the surrealist moment. My mom who I was terrified of became my biggest advocate and my hero. My father and I finally understand a little of where each other is coming from. He has learned that I’m not him and won’t necessarily make the same mistakes he made. This is not a phase for me, and I won’t just get over it. We actually bonded over our distaste of organized religion, some of our political viewpoints, and our love of history. Its cool cause he gets the parts Mom really isn’t comfortable with, and Mom understands the pieces that Dad just will never understand.

I still haven’t come out to them as bisexual. For me the time’s just not right. I’m pretty high on the Kinsey’s scale as gay yet I have to acknowledge that there have been times that I’ve been attracted to the fairer sex, as infrequent as those fleeting wisps of time have been. I’m just trying to be true to myself and fair to others in how I label myself, that’s all and nothing more. So in conclusion my lesson learned is that when you’re open and honest with people they will usually surprise you.

oh ron,
What you wrote really did give me stuff to chomp on. It helped tremendously. Thank you.

hey jon, thanks for sharing what you wrote. it has a great deal of interest, and triumph.... and i even think i heard the rocky theme playing at the end. LOL i hope everything goes well with this.

o, yea, wanted to mention i love the poem as well. starting with the poem really focuses the tone on triumph and accents the positives in what could otherwise be a depressing revelation.

this will go over well i think..... it did for me anyway.

all the best,

ron

I'd just like to say that I think what you wrote Jon was very well done. It was real for me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It didn't seem fictional at all. I can see a man living your life in my mind. It was heartfelt, and heartwarming, to see the resolutions that emanate from your struggles.

Breathing one breath at a time.
Taking each moment.
Knowing in time it gets easier

I look at those scars when I’m weary
and know I’m not that child anymore.
I’m older. I’m stronger.
And I Survive.



Keep writing! I think you are very good at it!

Jim

Hi, my fraternal brother.

A very couragous post, from the very depths of your heart and soul.

We struggle in life trying to come to terms with just who and what we are sexually.

For me, all my sexual pleasures came from my male agressor as a young boy. I loved him and he loved me.

I have just recently came to the conclusion that I was always Gay, but it was always just under the concious level, until all those long buried sexual abuse memories came to the surface.

Little Pete & big Pete have finally admitted just who and what we are sexually in our heart and soul. Gay.

After all it was my male sexual abuser who gave me, his full attention, his love & his warmpth to this little boy who was seeking someone to love him. Something that his "mother" refused to do. Unfortunately it was the wrong kind of love and attention.

So for 55+ years I didn't know me until now.

Heal well my fraternal brother jon, heal well.

" I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness into the sunshine, forever into eternity".

Little Pete & big Pete.

WOW Jon, that was wonderful, thank you for sharing.

Agreed, very well written. You have a talent, I really liked the poem. Just a thought I might consider reading it again at the end.

Very brave and heartfelt!

Thank you for sharing.

Rob