Newest Members
DougieB, sethpeterson, R Ellis, SailingAway, Kitty6
12320 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Healer (53), Kilo (21), sdsjr (40), surfdude (57)
Who's Online
0 registered (), 18 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12320 Members
74 Forums
63373 Topics
443141 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#306507 - 10/14/09 09:11 PM defining moment today ****triggering
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Wow. I discovered something very big today in Therapy.

I found the root cause or event if you will thought caused my thinking to go hairwire/crazy. I had all the messages about what love is and how to express love wrong.

Yes, you probably can guess it was because of him/Rocky. Rocky is one of my paternal male cousins. Rocky [/u]was[u] my perp. I say "was" because I took back my sexuality and sense of my own being today.

****maybe triggering*****

During the session, I was in the memory of the last time Rocky was trying to get my pants off. I was 11 or 12 and we were in the back bedroom next to the kitchen of my grandpa and grandma's house. Rocky was 16 or 17 and much bigger than me. Up until this time starting when I was 6 Rocky got me every summer during my 6,7, and 8th year. My dad got reassigned (he was in the Air Force) to Minot AFB when I was 10. Rocky got me again in summer of my 10th year. But, the next year when I went to my grandparents farm I was ready for Rocky. When he started to rip off my clothes I stood up and said NO MORE Rocky. Rocky said I will do what I want to you. I said go ahead and try I will put your balls in the pail of bulls nuts with or without you. Rocky reached for pants again. I grabbed his balls and squeezed so hard he was coughing and begging me to stop. Well Rocky zipped up and LEFT.

Now you might be thinking WELL DONE Donnie, but I sat there and BAWLed. Rocky never came back. It started a life of loneliness and gave me the message any love (touch) will contain abuse and I have NO choice. During sex was the only time I ever got touched. My dad bragged all the time that he never touched us - thanks dad.

Today 10-14-2009, I went back to that bedroom and am reclaiming a new LIFE free of fear and loneliness.

I have heard abuse teaches us to believe sex is how we are loved and we have no choice. Today I experienced for myself when and where I got that message.

I AM CHANGING MY LIFE. I have control now. I don't owe anybody anything. I will give when I am ready to give and will give without fear of any loneliness.

I found passion for life today.

Peace my brothers in healing,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

Top
#306512 - 10/14/09 09:32 PM Re: defining moment today ****triggering [Re: DJsport]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
amen! it just proves the point that recovery works if you work it.

thanks for sharing a milestone turning point in your healing dj.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#306519 - 10/14/09 10:42 PM Re: defining moment today ****triggering [Re: Sans Logos]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
Great for you DJ, truly a defining moment!!!

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

Top
#306523 - 10/15/09 12:10 AM Re: defining moment today ****triggering [Re: TNuss]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
im glad for you friend smile well done then and now.


Top
#306535 - 10/15/09 03:41 AM Re: defining moment today ****triggering [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
Tuggs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/20/07
Posts: 53
Loc: Pensacola, Florida, USA.
DJ, I hear your power. When you said; "I found passion for life today." I felt that maybe like you I too can close my eyes and not see the places I have been.

_________________________
Im alive. Youre alive. Want to play?
-Judah Rosner

My Story

Top
#306537 - 10/15/09 04:11 AM Re: defining moment today ****triggering [Re: Tuggs]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
I realize now why i think others do not want me or i project they are mad at me.

Sometimes it just doesnt matter, right?

I am getting angry...I cant sleep...thinking of the stuff that I have never finished. And my marriage failing.

DJ



Edited by DJsport (10/15/09 04:14 AM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

Top
#306557 - 10/15/09 11:49 AM Re: defining moment today ****triggering [Re: DJsport]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
DJ,

I guess this is the first time I'm seeing your story, or maybe it's now that we have communicated more frequently it is sticking with me better or perhaps this re-telling of it has more meaning. I don't think I've had the chance to tell you how sorry I am that you were taken advantage of in that way by someone who, in your kid's eyes was someone to look up to. Talk about having trust issues with supposed role models!! Also of course congratulations on continued progress with therapy and everything.

I do want to ask you when you're good with it, to tell us more about the concept of others not wanting you or projecting that they are mad at you. These are precisely two big obstacles for me and certainly in my wish to finally grow up in terms of how I relate to others! I have developed great tools for keeping that hidden from others, but I know it comes out then in other equally useless ways. Please share your thoughts again.

thanks,

sono



Edited by sono (10/15/09 11:51 AM)
_________________________
the family
the perp

Top
#306560 - 10/15/09 12:10 PM Re: defining moment today ****triggering [Re: sono]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, Sono.

I project feelings like anger onto others because in my case Rocky would NOT talk anymore with me and Silence for me is a sign of anger. In addition Rockies treatment of me was very violent and without any talk and the talk was demandive and wtihout any compassion.

As a child, I never learned about other feelings like disappointment or that I was NOT responsible for others feelings.

Does this make sense? NOT sure this is clear.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

Top
#306565 - 10/15/09 12:38 PM Re: defining moment today ****triggering [Re: DJsport]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
DJ,

Perfectly clear...mine just had a different first name.

thanks a lot,

s

_________________________
the family
the perp

Top
#306567 - 10/15/09 12:55 PM Re: defining moment today ****triggering [Re: sono]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Sono,

I am angry today at Rocky!!!! ARGHHHHHHH. So, in my anger I think my ability to be clear is deminish.

WE get each other huh. smile

Peace, my friends,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.