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#306361 - 10/13/09 07:31 PM How I lost my best friend
jcm Offline


Registered: 05/26/09
Posts: 35
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
[ Deleted ]


Edited by jcm (09/28/14 07:27 PM)

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#306386 - 10/13/09 10:42 PM Re: How I lost my best friend [Re: jcm]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Hi, jcm

I struggle with friendships too. I've had really close friends who meant the world to me, then, suddenly, we lose contact completely. Because of the abuse, I went through drastic transformations. I basically developed a whole new personality in college. My old friendships no longer worked, or brought back painful memories, or both, so I distanced myself. That's been my pattern ever since. It probably goes back even further: I lost a lot of my friends during the abuse. Losing friends causes heartbreak, but I view it as part of my growth as a person. I need to find new environments, new people, until I'm happy where I am.

Perhaps, unconsiously, this was one reason why you left. You needed a change. You don't have to feel guilty about that. Yes, it might have been abrupt not to tell your best friend. But believe me, friends do far worse things to each other. If your friend was very attached to you, I could see why he would feel angry, or rejected. Yet, if he cares about you, he should forgive you. Hopefully, he'll come to understand that your reasons had more to do with you than him. If your friendship turns sour because of this, it simply wasn't meant to last. Not all friendships are forever. Most aren't. People grow apart, become estranged. That's life.

You can fight to save your friendship, and you should. Be honest. If you explain yourself the way you have in your post, I can't see how he could remain bitter. I'd probably talk to him by phone. In person might be uncomfortable, an e-mail could come off as cowardly, or disingenuous. But if he's not willing to resume your friendship the way it was, you should back off for awhile. With time, the rift may heal on its own.

Try to cheer up. Losing a friendship is hard, but it's not the end of the world. It just means you're not suited for each other now. What you did seems small to me. There are probably other issues at play. Maybe be feels too close to you, maybe he's jealous of you, maybe he feels neglected by you. Maybe these can be worked out, maybe not. But one thing is certain: you'll have other best friends. Someone else will make you just as happy. Give it time.


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#306413 - 10/14/09 07:43 AM Re: How I lost my best friend [Re: jcm]
ComicBookGuy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 443
Loc: London, England
Originally Posted By: jcm
My friend was shocked when I told him, mostly shocked that I had kept it to myself for so long and not told him, because I told him everything in my life. I think I really hurt his feelings. The whole time I was away, we spoke maybe 3 or 4 times, and they were very brief e-mail messages.

Since i've came home, he hasn't spoken to me at all. It's been 7 weeks that I've been back. I told him that I was back and his only response was pretty much "oh, ok". He hasn't made any effort to contact me. I'm so hurt by the fact that the only support and the only person who has ever been there for me all this time is now gone. I feel totally lost.

It's been such a long 7 weeks. Everything is totally different and I have no sense of where I am any more. He had been there for me so much and now that I'm alone, i'm just not dealing with this very well at all. I'm self-injuring again because I feel like i've let my friend down and that I deserve to be punished.

What should I do?


Jcm

He's an insecure dickhead who wasn't happy for his "best friend's" opportunity, might have envied you though I can't see what there is to be jealous about, it was a job and everyone needs money. You were living in each other's pockets, he loved you spilling your guts to him and owning you like a possession. Now he's using emotional blackmail through his silence to make you feel guilty.

You needed to bust this relationship and grow a little on your own at some point and it might as well be now. Ditch the shame he's tried to heap on your shoulders, mentally you'll have to reject him back and get out and make some friends who aren't going to control you in that manner.

Did you make any friends up at the summer job? Having only the one person as support, your friend certainly saw the power he had and has been exploiting it for a long time. You'll have to take that power back and get on with life in general, I'll have to read the rest of your posts so you don't have to repeat yourself about age/whatever. He'll have to find himself another puppet and I guess he's pissed off with how much time that's going to take. Seriously, get hold of some general non-CSA counselling/therapy yourself for the self-injury unless you're already having it, in which case bring this up at your next session and work on it seperately to the past abuse - as this is abuse of a kind by itself - the only upside being, ditching back friends that were wrong for you is much easier to get over.

Yeah you can tell us you were best buddies and all, but being supportive over your history implied maturity, which wasn't his reaction to your job.



Edited by ComicBookGuy (10/14/09 07:48 AM)
_________________________
- CBG

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#306458 - 10/14/09 01:15 PM Re: How I lost my best friend [Re: ComicBookGuy]
ComicBookGuy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 443
Loc: London, England
Ok for a more measured view, read this as well...

Child Abuse Survivor Dot Net

_________________________
- CBG

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#306498 - 10/14/09 07:20 PM Re: How I lost my best friend [Re: ComicBookGuy]
jcm Offline


Registered: 05/26/09
Posts: 35
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Hi guys. Thanks so much for the lengthy replies. Really appreciated!

CBG - I'm 22 just FYI. I did make a lot of friends at my summer job, a hell of a lot of friends, but I'm back in the UK now and they're over in the US so the only contact I have is online. I do still have friends here, some good friends, but I don't think I can open up to them the same way I could to my "best friend". It took me over 4 years to finally tell him about what happened, and that was only because he knew something was up and questioned me a lot. I think it would be just as hard, and possible take just as long to try and talk about it with someone else.

Thanks again.


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#455327 - 11/28/13 06:05 AM Re: How I lost my best friend [Re: jcm]
Johnathan Offline


Registered: 02/23/12
Posts: 10
Loc: canada
I am so glad you have the courage to even look for help at your age. I wish I had looked for help at your age. I am 54 and I probably feel younger than you simply because I have stayed back with my abusers.
I think my first time I was perhaps around 5 years old. I lost my childhood, went through terrible teenage years of self hate and self loathing. Lived with a unloving alcoholic father and lost a brother to suicide. I seem to have managed to get through these times fairly unscathed. I think though my ability to do this was a result of my disassociation skills and this topic I am trying to learn more about.
Keep working for yourself so you can be happy at my age and not still struggling.
I get so much hope when I see young people who are obviously much stronger than they think , taking the initiative to help themselves and not let the a abusers continue to lead their lives. God bless.

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#455328 - 11/28/13 06:19 AM Re: How I lost my best friend [Re: jcm]
Johnathan Offline


Registered: 02/23/12
Posts: 10
Loc: canada
I think I should have added something about friendships. I have learned over the years that friendships will come and go but true friendships will last a lifetime and these kind of friendships are extremely rare. For me, I used to work so hard to be accepted and liked but it was a one way street. It has taken me a long time to realize the people I thought were friends were only people I needed acceptance from and not friendship for I never let them in anyway.
You will find these true friends as you get stronger yourself. Probably if you put more energy in developing new relationships it may not hurt as much. The time I spent on old friends; from looking back, it made me even less confident and feeling "what is wrong with me?"
I have learned if they had been true friends I would not have had to work so hard.
Believe in yourself for you are perfect just the way you are.

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#455344 - 11/28/13 11:24 AM Re: How I lost my best friend [Re: jcm]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 700
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I have to agree. If it's hard work, it may not be a good friend. You are young. I know this is painful now, but there are important things in this situation for you to learn that will help you as you grow. Talking here is a great way to get some perspective and to help weaken some old beliefs that aren't really who you are. Take deep breaths all that way down to the bottom of your belly and then release the air all at once, like popping the cork off a bottle. I read somewhere that it's called the Dolphin breath, and helps release a lot of pent up tension. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#455566 - 11/30/13 10:52 AM Re: How I lost my best friend [Re: jcm]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 341
JCM - At that age people come in and out of your life as they pursue their own adult paths. This happens later in life as peers: get married, have kids, loose parents, get new jobs, become ill, get divorced, etc, etc.

I have a friends that I lost touch with for 15 years until I bumped into her at the store.

Sometimes people come and go. That is how it is. His behavior may have more to do with where he is in life then it has to do with you.

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#455596 - 11/30/13 04:59 PM Re: How I lost my best friend [Re: jcm]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 238
Loc: Western Europe
Have you told him the reason why you didn't tell anybody you were leaving?
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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