I have a question Puffer...you remember all of this with your teaching. Does that mean you always did? Were "you" aware that "you" were teaching albeit "as" someone else?
Yes I knew that I was "being" someone else while I was teaching and playing my music instrument. But no, I didn't have insight about the "why" and my history of CSA when I was teaching. That came about much later. I actually didn't know that I "hurt" so much worse than most other people. I had always been like that.
I didn't have complete amnesia toward teaching and what went on there. I had to remember the factual content of what I was teaching. That material was available to the other teaching alters.
Visualize the toy balloons that guys in the circus blow up and make into little animals and such. The balloons can be either squeezed tight, blocking air flow between the balloons, or they can be partially open, allowing air to pass between the different parts of the balloon. The balloon squeezed tight is like heavy amnesia where the main alter has almost no memory of what's beyond. The partially open balloon parts are like the partial amnesia that allows only selected information to pass. Does this make any sense?
DIDs can have all different levels of amnesia between alters. I had a "main" alter who was present most of the time (I think this is true but I'm not absolutely sure of it). He had really bad self esteem and was habitually depressed and a lot of PTSD types of problems. He kind of pulled up these teaching alters. It didn't happen suddenly. There was a time lag until it was figured out how to do it in teaching. I had to invent these alters when I was teaching. I knew basically how to do that because of early abuse at age 4 etc when a child's personality has not solidified and it's relatively easy to form DID. I think I also had a "social" alter, who wasn't very effective. He would just get real tense to try to block the PTSD and try to be congenial with other people.
There was a lot of pain, anxiety, depression, and social isolation in that "main" alter.
I guess I'm asking because what you're describing seems so normal to me, I could have written your post here although with rather different specifics of course. Please don't get my question wrong OK? I'm not questioning the severity of what you describe at all and I know you've had many more extreme cases in all of this. I just want to understand what you're talking about here better.
DIDs have a heavy amnesia blocking the alters that "bear" the abuse. That is their purpose. They carry the abuse feelings and responses and their purpose is to deal with abuse and keep it shielded from the other alters. Otherwise the abuse on a very young child would be too much to bear.
When my amnesia "popped" (picture the balloons) then it was very traumatic. It happened without supervision of a T and I kind of did it myself (no pun intended). Then suddenly I was flooded with all kinds of knowledge about abuse I had experienced at age 12 in the scout camp (I was still unaware of abuse I experienced at ages earlier than 10). The PTSD got much, much worse after the amnesia broke. All the symptoms got (temporarily) much, much worse: Anxiety, depression, isolation. I realized that I was really 12 years old. I had my childhood nickname Buzzy. Or, to put it another way, I became aware that I had a 12 year old alter who was actually my real
main personality. I wanted to be that 12 year old kid and that's who I thought I really was. (refer to pufferfish story part 5). That 12-y-o alter, Buzzy, had been thoroughly quelled by the horrific abuse at the scout camp. Now he was alive again (so to speak). Well, I could no longer bring up the teaching alters (the 12-y-o either didn't want to or didn't know how to). After a few years I lost my teaching job. The 12-year-old didn't want to teach anyway. So I got into a real big mess of trouble.
I was seeing a T when the bubble burst. He didn't have any suspicion that I had DID. If he had, he should have moved in a much different way with me. So I changed to a T who had experience with PTSD. That helped a lot. Then I skipped a year and got a T who was experienced in DID. With him I drew diagrams and worked on child alters, etc.
But I need to break this off and finish it some other time.