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#305989 - 10/11/09 11:52 AM the women in my family before my perp (triggers)
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hi to the guys of the survivors of female abuse forum.

****possibly triggers****

I don't say that I belong here and if any of you have read my stuff on the other forums you might be surprised to find me here since I have focused on the male perp of my teen years up to this time. I don't know if what I write below qualifies as abuse worthy of this forum, but it was certainly boundary breaking and as I've found out from some of my bothers here, that can sometimes be enough. I left my father out of this, but he would of course figure into a full picture of my childhood, but that's not the point of this forum.

This is pulled from a few things I've posted here in other fora, so if this is repetitious, I'm sorry about that.

I would very much appreciate any comments you might have since while I've thought about my male perp for many years, I haven't really gone here yet and reactions from you guys would help me get some perspective.


I don’t remember a thing really before I was 5. A few mental pictures is about all. My earliest memories of my surroundings and myself was that it was hell. Both of my parents were alcoholics and fought all the time. I remember trying to stop their fighting and in particular beating on my dad to get him to stop hurting my mom. In anything I do remember, it’s always dark and unpleasant. They were older when I was born, mom 40, dad 47 and already broken people.

I had two 14 year older sisters (fraternal twins) who were in high school already when I was born. I remember being obsessed with their boobs and crotches as well as those of my mother. I was made to feel that was not right and I am thinking now that even as a very small child I was ashamed about this. It didn’t stop me though. I think I somehow felt that this thing I had between my legs, that they didn’t have, belonged someplace in that hairy part of them. It seemed logical. I can remember feeling very guilty about looking at them, but it seems like they were always naked in front of me. I know I had a good hand with the bra fastener from an early age. I certainly had bra and girdle fastener duty for both mom and grandma for years.

At 5 my grandmother (mother’s mother) came to live with us in a separate apartment at our house. I recall that I never questioned that I would go live with her and get out of the hellhole that was our house. Already at 5 I must have had clear opinions about what I wanted and what I was going to do.

Around that time I began to get fat…very fat. I guess feeding me was my grandmother’s way to be comforting. She was a tough one. She and my mother argued constantly…at least it wasn’t physically fighting and only one of them was drunk. My grandmother would say things to me about both of my parents that a child doesn’t need to hear. She told me every morning before going to school to be sure I never told anyone about my parents’ drinking. Tell them anything; make any excuse, but not the truth. Those were my first lessons in lying.

I slept in the same bed with my grandmother from the time I was 5 till 11 or 12. I think I was a natural substitute for my grandfather who had passed away prior to her moving to us. I seriously don’t have memories of anything terribly specific other than being in bed and “pretending” to be lovers. I can’t fathom that anything happened…but maybe laying there and holding each other and kissing was enough to make that a weird experience for me. This next is very difficult to write, but I know it’s all OK here…she wiped me way beyond the age that is OK, I mean seriously way beyond that age. It never struck me until this process of looking at everything, but the reason was that I couldn’t bring myself to put my hand back there. Maybe that doesn’t mean anything, who knows. I do know I had and have a clean hand fetish. I recently had occasion to be looking through some childhood books I had and they were immaculate. Not a creased page or smudge to be found, a little obsession you might call it.

In her drunken haze my mother would say things to me like
“you’re so mean to me, just like your father. You’re gonna grow up and be terrible just like him. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have had you. You were so good when you were little, what happened to you?” Maybe I was mean…I wanted her to stop drinking and she couldn’t. I probably was mean to her about that. I would find her vodka bottles and half drunken glass of straight vodka all over the house…behind the lounge chair, behind the washer, in between the mattresses of her bed. Riding in the car with her driving was always this feeling of a near brush with death. Once when she came to pick me up at school she ran over a concrete pylon and the police were called and she spent the night in the slammer. I walked home and she was mad and made me feel like ten kinds of shit for deserting her. I didn’t know what else to do. I wasn’t going to hang around and go to jail with her damnit!

She also was always wanting me to come and hug her and show her I loved her in her drunken state. "come give me some love"... She was always in some kind of nightgown since she would often not get dressed for the day, and I remember doing that and having her breasts all in my face as this would happen. She once decided to cut my hair in an extremely drunken state…it freaked me out that she wanted to take those siscors and get tham close to my face and eyes. I remember freaking out about it and she locked the door and kept me in there. I remember my grandmother and father beating the door down to get me out of there. I think he hit her after that.


Sometime after I was into puberty, probably 11 or maybe 12, for some reason I can’t really imagine, my mother saw me erect when I was on a basement sofa. I was laying down, which is somehow a strong part of the image in my mind. She made a big to do about my, well “adultness”. One of my sisters was close by; she was maybe 25 at the time. Mom called her over and my sister said “ok, let’s see it”. I showed her. The picture of the two of them standing over me while I was laying on that sofa showing them my new adult self is as vivid today as if it happened this morning. Powerful image I can tell you. I guess I must have fled the scene since that’s about the end of that memory. I liked it…I totally got off on showing them. That made me feel pretty creepy, even then. It’s made me feel creepy for years, decades. I several years ago realized this one incident seriously affected my whole relationship with women in lots of ways I don’t even realize I’m sure.

I’m not quite sure what to make of it right now, but I recently had an image flash through my head the other night of an adult woman’s vagina that felt like a really old memory, well before I ever remember seeing one as an adult. Not the older hair of my mother and grandmother, but like, well one of my sisters. The sister I mentioned in the last paragraph. This could totally be the craziness swirling around me right now and mixing up my time lines.

I know my home had prepared me for my perp tremendously well. I think the ladies in my family really unintentionally did a huge number on me in terms of fucking up my relationship TO women, which feels like it just put me out of synch. I wanted to be with them and ended up making out with a surprising number actually, but was afraid to allow myself to think of them in sexual terms. I made myself NOT do that. To this day, I have to ALLOW myself to check out a beautiful woman…that sounds really crass and chauvinistic I guess, but screw it, I have some lost time to make up for and I’m enjoying the shit out of it!!!! Even after being married for so many years, that’s evolving today, I feel it happening and it’s a really wild awakening.


thanks for listening,


sono



Edited by sono (10/11/09 12:30 PM)
Edit Reason: trigger warning
_________________________
the family
the perp

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#309037 - 11/02/09 02:32 PM Re: the women in my family before my perp (triggers) [Re: sono]
h.beat,h.break Offline


Registered: 06/05/09
Posts: 124
Loc: New York
thank you for sharing this. really. i feel weird when i have to talk about the things my female cousin and my oldest brother made me do. i can't quite pin-point the exact emotion, but there is a myriad of things i feel and neither of them is anything good.

but, again, thank you for sharing your story.

Remy

_________________________
Hey, if "black sheep" means you're the only non-douche of the family, take that with some pride.

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#309074 - 11/02/09 05:42 PM Re: the women in my family before my perp (triggers) [Re: h.beat,h.break]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Written by Sono:

"I slept in the same bed with my grandmother from the time I was 5 till 11 or 12. I think I was a natural substitute for my grandfather who had passed away prior to her moving to us. I seriously don’t have memories of anything terribly specific other than being in bed and “pretending” to be lovers. I can’t fathom that anything happened…but maybe laying there and holding each other and kissing was enough to make that a weird experience for me. This next is very difficult to write, but I know it’s all OK here…she wiped me way beyond the age that is OK, I mean seriously way beyond that age. It never struck me until this process of looking at everything, but the reason was that I couldn’t bring myself to put my hand back there. Maybe that doesn’t mean anything, who knows. I do know I had and have a clean hand fetish".

-----------------------------------------------------------------

In Mic Hunter's book ABUSED BOYS, this kind of exposure is deemed to be abusive. See page #5 for a de>
_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#309137 - 11/03/09 09:56 AM Re: the women in my family before my perp (triggers) [Re: Trucker51]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Mark,

Thank you very much for your words. When I get back home, I'm on the road now working, I will review those passages you cite. I read the book once though, but it was fast and as they say with one eye closed because too much of it was too close at that point in this process for me. Thanks for reminding me, I think I can now read it with eyes wide open!

H.B. We've been ending up in chat several times lately, and I just wanna thank you for what you said there in your post and maybe it helps you in that "I"m not alone way". I know your words here today helped me in that way.

thanks guys,

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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