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#305319 - 10/05/09 08:37 PM My story: Bi, Gay, Or just acting out? ***trigg***
keano12 Offline


Registered: 10/05/09
Posts: 4
graphic imagery and triggers ------->>>>>

this is long.... but I fond it therapeutic. this is my first post.

Hi guys I am new here and miserable. Confused and saw therapist today and broke down and lost it. I feel totally F'd up. I feel similar Lynch in a way.

I was abused two times I remember. One area is gray and maybe it was pushed down or nothing at all. As a kid, I got turned on by Barbarella movie, tits in comics, made out with a girl and got my ass kicked for it by my Mom. I also am very creative, design and musician.

I had seen a lot of drinking, men coming on to her in bars. she was depressed and the attention made her feel good at the time. I was protective of her and extremely jealous and couldn't control the situations.
she wanted me by her side and in turn of events I was abused. One at 4-5 other around 7.

During puberty I masturbated all the time. Great new device! During this weird time 12 of puberty I remember a little kid came over 3yo. We were playing and he rubbed up against me. I remember I kept rubbing till I came. I was ashamed, and hated myself. Yet got off. Only happened that one time. Ever.

I used to jerk off to Sears catalog bra photos with models, TV guide, then found my Dads stash of porn mags LOL. funny thing was I always though I placed them back carefully. but they were so torn up after a year he must of known. I jerked off all the time to women. Loved breasts. In one pictorial there was a scene of woman and man nude. I found myself actually turned on by the penis. In fantasy at that time I pretended I was the chic and got off in a new way. I think I dug the masculinity or power. Never the less I jerked off 98% to women.

Got older... 14yo and had a lot of situations where older men would hit on me. Driving up and talk about photos shoots to do I want records (yup LP's where around). This happened a lot and I was like WTF. One time walking home with a ton of kids a guy pulls over in a truck he was gay and a disturbed individual. He was talking about BJ's and gyms. I walked away. Looking back I am like why me. Why was I approached. Still happened as I got older 21yo. I don't look nor act flamboyant etc. I am very good looking though not to sound conceited. First girlfriend I got I think we had sex 350 times that year. she cheated I lost it craz temper. but then found my looks could get girls pretty easy. From that point on I got into relationships, cheated, left new GF, cheated, new GF..... cycle. I always got excited and came too fast which was super embarrassing. So I would drink and get drunk and last longer. Quell he anxiety of cumming to fast.

When around 23yo. I was at a party and a older man hit me up.. again. Talked about photos. So I got his card. I was curious as I knew he was gay but was also taboo and curious what would happen. I am like that in general I tend to push boundaries. so went over... he said do you want a massage. I was real apprehensive but... excited in this odd taboo way. So I got a massage feeling excited yet uncomfortable. He started stroking me which led to me doing the same. It was a huge turn on. Since this was brand new. Yet also incredibly awkward. Long story short... I screwed every girl I could, GF, cheat, repeat. I would stay with girls until I no longer got turned on by them and already had a backup ready. the relationships would take a turn arguments and I just didn't want to have sex with them. But I already had one to take there place. When I couldn't get laid I would stop by his place to get off. Around this time I also (B4 internet) I briefly went to parks 2X to get oral from whoever. Went into a gaybar once to pickup a guy to get off. Still around this time I was 24yo now. I found I enjoyed giving a guy oral. But still considered myself str8 just a horny guy.

Time moves on same cycle of meet girl, cheat leave girl. Quit the whole guy thing. Which wasn't all the time only once and awhile if drunk and couldn't get laid. This period was intense but brief experimenting. I always kept in touch with the older guy. He was actually a nice guy. But I never felt comfortable hanging out. For me it was talking a bit and getting off.

Quit the guy thing as I said got engaged freaked out, found another girl and finally got married. she was unique. Still married now. 10 years. during this time I fooled around with women only. We have been through a lot. But as happens.... arguments and issues eventually so we ended up not having sex for long periods. I found myself as times no that turned on... some of this had to do with not a good kisser, BJs not great, sex not great. She was abused also. This went on a long time. I would screw around so got my fill, or jerked off to porn. Sex was intermittent.

10 years later, I find myself unhappy. I really feel I am a sex addict, thinking about 12 step program. I feel I cope, act out sexually. I am older and fed up with my behavior as it isn't cool anymore. In a marriage with someone I love and want to be happy and normal. she is sad too. Last two years tough. A lot taken for granted, sex rare, intimacy not as it was. Speaking of which..... I think I have a fear of real intimacy.

So... I went to counseling. Since my womanizing was off the charts. Which left me with bag loads of shame, and self loathing. It build up to this where I consider myself shit. I want her to be happy as she deserves it.

I told him about my story (which is here) and abuse with two men that I remember when young. I also mentioned the experimental time with a few guys to get off now and then when I couldn't get laid. It was a different thrill.

In therapy.. we found out what I know already I am EXTREMELY hard on myself. I beat myself up. I said I want to stop cheating and want se to be better since we never have it hardly and it is my fault. I just don't see her in a sexual way. More like roommates. But I do want it to work.. Talking about the acting out with men it made me think which I haven't done in years.... hmmmmmm shit I cold get a BJ easily I bet now (internet). So I looked and since have a had a handful of encounters with guys. I enjoy giving oral. Yet still F around with women though they are more work. so now....... I had a breakdown and am losing my mind and can't sleep at night. Told my therapist too.... am I gay WTF. that is my dilemma? Am I all jacked up cause I am gay or bi? Is bi an excuse? Or am I acting out from abuse. Sex with women I like to control, if with a guy I basically focus only on the penis and not the person. Once guy orgasms I am out. I don't care if I cum or not either. Just weird......

He told me.... most ppl are not gay or str8 but on a bell curve. He says your a very sexual person and don't beat yourself up. He says you beat yourself up for everything (I suffer from anxiety also in daily life) so let it be. Still though..... I can't absolve myself.Today I broke down and am losing it. Is my life a lie? Am I into guys? I dig women. Want to F them. I feel romantic with them. But since the guy thing reappeared it F'd me up. It is just something else to deal with on top of my incessant cheating. I do know I am a sex addict though..... This all sucks. Just want to vanish.
Thanks for listening anyone.



Edited by ModTeam (10/05/09 08:43 PM)
Edit Reason: add trigger warning

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#305335 - 10/05/09 11:39 PM Re: My story: Bi, Gay, Or just acting out? ***trigg*** [Re: keano12]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 280
You don't sound bi/gay to me. For me to seriously consider you that way, you would need to show romantic feelings towards other guys. I don't think your lack of feelings toward your wife come from bisexuality, but from the damage your cheating has done. There are 12 step groups for this kind of addiction though.



Edited by Anonymous (10/05/09 11:44 PM)

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#305356 - 10/06/09 01:55 AM Re: My story: Bi, Gay, Or just acting out? ***trigg*** [Re: InsideTheWall]
keano12 Offline


Registered: 10/05/09
Posts: 4
Thanks for responding btw. Funny enough... I went to my first one tonight. I wanted to run out. It felt so awkward. I felt so out of place. But i am going back. I hope your right. that was my feeling. I feel it deserves a fair chance with me being clean of all acting out.


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#305411 - 10/06/09 03:11 PM Re: My story: Bi, Gay, Or just acting out? ***trigg*** [Re: keano12]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Welcome to our support site Keano, glad that you found us. Why don't you come up to the Introductions forum and introduce yourself? Generally our stories go on the Story Board, where they exist without comment. It would appear that you were also the product of a dysfunctional upbringing and were exposed to your mom's issues with men and hard drinking at much too young an age. One of the first things that we learn in recovery is that what happened wasn't our fault. Your mom beating you for your early experimentation with making-out has also had severe consequences for you, as a very similar instance with my own mom at age 15 did with me. Your excessive drinking and excessive womanizing can both be linked to your abusive and dysfunctional childhood.

In my own recovery the first book that I read on the subject was Mic Hunter's ABUSED BOYS, which is a great introductory text now 20 years old. Another good book which covers this material in somewhat greater detail is Mike Lew's book VICTIMS NO LONGER. Another author whose books helped me greatly in my own recovery was John Bradshaw, whose book THE FAMILY helped me greatly with my own dysfunctional upbringing, and his book HEALING THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU, which helped me with my shame. Once you have begun to work through your shame the book SELF ESTEEM, by Matthew McKay, PH.D, helped me recover my self-esteem and self-confidence, which is an integral part of moving forward in advanced recovery.

Recovery is possible, my man, if you will put forth a concerted effort. Male Survivor is a great resource where you will be understood by the many guys who are all working together here to try to find our freedom. Some of us are just starting our recovery journey, and others are moving forward through advanced recovery, even trying to mentor others, and many of us occupy intermediate points on the recovery road too. Glad to hear that you have found a therapist, I know that the first few times are really tough, and I too know how badly that you want to quit. If you stay with your therapy and perhaps find a support group or even attend one of our recovery weekends, your future can be much better than your past has been to this point.

Most of our members post on the public survivor forum, and we would enjoy seeing you up there soon,

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#305452 - 10/06/09 09:55 PM Re: My story: Bi, Gay, Or just acting out? ***trigg*** [Re: Trucker51]
keano12 Offline


Registered: 10/05/09
Posts: 4
Thanks Mark. I just posted in this area... because my mind was going crazy with the thoughts about being bi/str8 whatever. Which in turn lead to a whole unfolding here. Should I leave my story here and have a link to it and just say hello in the public survivor forum? Which book would you recommend Healing the Shame first?


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#305525 - 10/07/09 05:09 PM Re: My story: Bi, Gay, Or just acting out? ***trigg*** [Re: keano12]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
I would recommend getting either Mic Hunter's book or Mike Lew's book first, so that you will have a full understanding of the many issues that we as survivors face. In ABUSED BOYS there must be 20-25 symptoms of CSA that many of us as victims have experienced and had to deal with in recovery. THE FAMILY and HEALING THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU would work concurrently with one or both of the above introductory texts. Once you have worked at least part of the way through your shame and/or guilt, the book SELF ESTEEM would then be helpful. Both Mic Hunter's book and Mike Lew's book are available from our own online bookstore off of our homepage, and the other books are usually available from any major bookseller, like Border's or Barnes & Noble.

You can ask one of our site moderators to move your story to the Story Board if you want to, where it might get some additional exposure. Site mods are identified by their green usernames. Andy (Former Texan) is a mod, and so is Allen (Pufferfish), Mike (Michael Banks), and Ron (Sans Logos). You could send a PM to any of those guys if you would like to have your story moved. If you send them a PM just give them your username and the post number of your story, which is a 6-digit number at the upper right of your post.

Hope to see you up on the Introductions forum soon,

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#305533 - 10/07/09 06:36 PM . [Re: Trucker51]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 09:32 PM)

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#305689 - 10/08/09 10:47 PM Re: My story: Bi, Gay, Or just acting out? ***trigg*** [Re: bardo213]
keano12 Offline


Registered: 10/05/09
Posts: 4
Quote:
the way I like to see it is that what your going through are symptoms of your abuse are taking over your life and you've got so stuck in this cycle that its starting to take over your life.


I had along talk with my wife. she was actually pretty cool about stuff. I feel like I am unloading loads of things. But as of two years ago I was really unhappy. Part of it I feel is the love has kind of dried up. I care for her. But I am not sure extend of it all. We have gone so long without sex, I would internally sexually run away from her intimacy wise. It is complicated. Hitting 40... so I am thinking young chics, and see her look good but older, and I always want girls anyway so that doesn't help.

I will buy a book and both of what you guys say makes sense. I just feel like I am the only one that has been in these situations. for some reason when I was a teen I always had guys hit on me.... freaky ones. I got older and once or twice an older guy would be like want to take pix. At the time I laughed it off. But now...... I can't stop thinking about shit. Did they hit on me because they saw something I didn't? I am a good looking guy (not being self-centered) so yea that's probably reason but..... then years later I had same proposition and went along with it. It was weird. Like exciting but taboo. Looking back on my experiences it gets confusing. I still desire chics. Always look at them, want them. But there is the behaviors or actions that have taken place with men at times when I find it much easier as it times. I don't believe in pure str8 or gay. I think I am 80/20. But even that freaks me out. My therapist says don't worry about it. It is just sex. No big deal a BJ is a BJ. He knows I prefer women, romantically, etc. But still I am open minded and kind of comfortable other way. So I don't know if I was always this kid that was a bit bi? Or by fucking around it brought it out from abuse?


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