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#30562 - 11/05/03 06:34 AM Bad sleep,bad dreams and memories
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
It seems that more recently, things are harder and worse for me with sleep. Even though with my coach the abuse took place more in day, and with my father it was day and night, it seems night is worse at me for panic and bad memories. Having the memories in body again, and have not been having those so much last few weeks. Had real bad dream last night of something that is real, so I wake up it continues as a memory and keeps scaring me and making me more upset. I feel sometime like I really am crazy, the panic gets out of control so much, with seeing and hearing and feeling things not there, and then when it is too much fear or upset, I become one of 'others' and do not even know of it no more. How can I deal of it all if I am not even myself, and myself is not even strong enough to do this? I am hating so much again, and always, the hate comes back at me.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#30563 - 11/05/03 08:01 AM Re: Bad sleep,bad dreams and memories
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
I understand what you are saying buddy, I have a very hard time at night, night was never worse for abuse, but maybe when we are more tired and let our minds rest some, that is when the memories and dreams get worse. You are far from crazy my friend, and you are strong enough, you are one of the strongest people I know, look at everything you have survived, if you weren't strong you would have survived the hell yu have been through. Becoming 'other' is a defense mechanism, your brain trying to protect you from the fear and pain, and terror, and rage, I dissociate when the fear or panic gets too bad as well, and it does make me feel like I am not strong and can't deal with it. But people are not made to deal with such terrible things, but when those terrible things are done, and memories torture us, our brains try to protect us, like a chameleon changes colors, people dissociate and become 'others' it is only a defense mechanism, it doesn't make anyone crazy or weak, it is normal for the brain to defend us from the horror, but in time our brains must deal with it, no one can be strong forever, eventually our 'defensive walls' fall and all the memorues we were protected from came back, and again we change to protect ourselves, but it doesn't make anyone crazy, it makes them stronger, I mean do you think the people who abused you could survive the hell the put you through? I doubt it, just remember you are strong, and totally sane, and I truly look up to you my friend.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#30564 - 11/05/03 09:29 AM Re: Bad sleep,bad dreams and memories
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Leosha I too have had terrible dreams in the recent past and during my time as a street prostitue. Then I got a big stuffed animal and called him my demon slayer. I used to talk to him a night and he was always with me. When the dream came at first I had to wake up to get my dragon slayer into the action but gradually he became part of my dreams and turned them around. Yeh I was a big strong hustler who cried a lot and slept with a stuffed animal.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#30565 - 11/05/03 11:40 AM Re: Bad sleep,bad dreams and memories
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
I am lucky not to have nightmares very often anymore. I still take something to help me sleep and dread sleeping.

Disassociation is a natural coping thing the mind does. Before I knew that I often thought I was crazy too and felt really isolated, often suicidal.

Hang in there. Recovery is a gradual process. While you hate the memories that your mind harbors, value also the things your mind does to help you.

Your 'others' are not your enemies. Their intensity will probably modify over time but your mind might always use some degree of dissassociation.

After all, we can remember the awful things that happened to us, we can work on our feelings about what happened to us, but we cannot change what happened to us. Let us honor ourselves for surviving. That we have, that we do is extraordinary.

Brett

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#30566 - 11/05/03 10:24 PM Re: Bad sleep,bad dreams and memories
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Leosha, panic and anxiety are the cruelist part of the effects for me.

I did read a great book that helped me a lot. It talked about first anxiety and second anxiety. First anxiety just happens and comes at us without our knowing it is coming. Second anxiety is when we get anious about being anxious. We fear the anxiety too much.

The author said that in an anxious experience we need to keep telling ourselves that we are not going crazy, that we are just having an anxiety attach just like so many times before, we do not have a brain tumor, we are not having a heart attack, this will pass in about 15 minutes or so.

It has helped me a lot. Taking an anti-anxiety medication helps when the symptoms get really over powering.

I sure an sorry that you are experiencing this, that any of us are. We suffer a lot from the actions of a wretch that assaulted us.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#30567 - 11/05/03 10:48 PM Re: Bad sleep,bad dreams and memories
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2259
Loc: Maryland USA
Leosha,

I wish that you did not have to endure such things. Try to remember that even if you "become one of the others" they are each really a part of you.

You are certainly not crazy. A crazy man would not doubt himself. A crazy man would not try to recover, or work to get well. A crazy man would think that he was alright and did not need to recover.

You are yourself and you are strong. Your words show your strength and give strength to others. That strength comes from you.

I got these lines from here .
Quote:
I can fight off these demons who darken my door
And battle by battle, I will win this war.
I carry them in my wallet to give me strength when I need it. There is great power in the man who wrote them, in you. Believe it.

Thanks again,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#30568 - 11/07/03 12:54 AM Re: Bad sleep,bad dreams and memories
Clark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/19/03
Posts: 3
Loc: PA
I feel your pain I wish I could sleep. Usually I have to drink myself to sleep. If I don't I Have nightmares but whats worse I can't remeber them even when I wake. Usually my girlfriend tells me about it the next day. Thank god I haven't done anything to hurt her in my sleep. Good luck if you find answer letme know.


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#30569 - 11/07/03 07:11 AM Re: Bad sleep,bad dreams and memories
StrangerInAStrangeLand Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/03
Posts: 33
Loc: Puyallup, WA
I too am plagued by frightening memories at night. I don't have many nightmares; in fact, I don't have many dreams at all. But I do have horrifying "flashbacks" that make sleep all but impossible. We're all a little "crazy." It's necessary to survive what we've been through. It doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you stronger. I am so cut off from myself and and my emotions that I don't know who I am or what I'm feeling most of the time. I know what you're going through, because I'm going through it, too. I don't know how to make it better, but you've got to keep fighting. As long as I'm here, making it, you can too. Go ahead and let it out, becuase we're in the struggle.


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