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#304692 - 09/29/09 11:11 PM The Rift with Mom
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
I'm becoming closer to my mother. I visit her fairly often. She helps me edit my short stories before I submit them to literary magazines. She gives me advice about my job.

Still, I feel ambivalent. She let me get raped and molested by a teacher for two years, or so. I stopped talking. I starting shaking whenever I was around other people. I even described my nightmares to her, the aborted fetuses, the freaks, the severed limbs. Neither of my parents suspected. I told them at twenty-one what happened. It took them several years before they ackowledged that I wasn't making it up.

My mother is an alcoholic. Her father used to beat her mother frequently, and occasionally her and her sisters. I got a clue how she could have been so neglectful a few weeks ago. I work at a hospital and I was required to have a mumps test to see if I was immune. The test came out inconclusive and I asked her if I ever got the shot as a kid. She looked upset. She sipped her wine (a glass is always glued to her hand) and she said, "your father was in charge of that." Then, she scrambled through her files trying to find a certificate. She did, eventually. Still, I think she realized that she screwed up. My father is nice, well-intentioned, but he's lazy, unstable, prone to depression. In our family, she earned twice the money he did. She trusted him to watch over us. He was no more capable than she was. Neither one should have been parents. Yet, they are good people, at heart honest and moral.

As the years go by, I increasingly resemble her. We've always looked alike. I've gradually turned into a bitter, intelligent, man-hating, sarcastic, book-loving, workaholic, cigarette smoker just like her. We get along well. Ironically, I think the reason is that we've both dealt with abuse in our childhoods. Our distrust of everyone else unites us. I hope not to end up alone like she is. But she's a part of me, always will be. I can't smoke a cigarette without thinking of the aloof, tough, chain-smoking waif I remember being in awe of as a boy.

I don't know if I forgive her. It feels like a lie I want so much to believe: it wasn't her fault, she couldn't have known, there's no way she could have stopped that pedophile. I even feel guilty because I know she feels guilty now. At first, I wanted her to. But it gives me no solace to see her suffer.

No matter how much I care about her, and her about me, I think this rift will always be there. As a child, my love for her was different. It felt sacred. Now, she's like a friend. Maybe it was the abuse itself. When I think of my memories of her at seven compared with those at eight, it's almost as if a foster mother took over. She became a stranger and I didn't think she loved me. She was under a kind of magical glow before, and the pedophile dimmed it forever. I think I'll always feel like an orphan inside.


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#304729 - 09/30/09 11:53 AM Re: The Rift with Mom [Re: Bewlayb1]
Brett Jay Offline


Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 31
Loc: Minnesota
The ped dimmed it but her drinking probably helped. And I think the drinking may still be getting in the way of you having the happy adult relationship you want with her.

It took me years to come to terms with my relationship with my mother. I remember as a kid being basically in awe of her. She seemed ethereally beautiful and faultless. That was natural I think.

As it turned out, she really wasn't much of a parent or protector. She was neglectful and physically and emotionally abusive. Self-involved, it seems now like her children were almost an afterthought or a distasteful obligation. The sexual abuse I experienced beginning at four and continuing for several years is something she still "cannot believe."

I felt a lot of resentment for a long time. Like a lot of people I didn't get the parent I wanted and, as it turned out, needed.

But then eventually I could see how she is basically a kind and moral person like your mother. That moved me to make peace with her. But I have to tell you that was only after a lot of therapy and 12-step-program stuff.

Once I no longer felt so entwined with her, I could be more of a friend to her, something that is easier as she grows older. But there is still a gap. Nothing changes the past or even heals it, I think, but we can come to terms with it and come to make decisions based on our current wants and desires rather than on things that happened years ago.

I wish you the best. You sound like a creative an caring person. You deserve to be happy.

Brett


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#304885 - 10/01/09 05:58 PM Re: The Rift with Mom [Re: Brett Jay]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Thanks, Brett

Your mother sounds similar to mine in some ways. My mother was also neglectful and self-absorbed. I thinks it's because life kind of wore her down. She was always smart, grew up poor. She got pregnant and dropped out of college. She has a lot of regrets. My mother wasn't physically abusive. Like a brat who never grew up, she made fun of us constantly, my brother's weight, my ears, my sister's superficiality. Unlike your mother, she told me she'd wanted to be a mother ever since she was a girl. She just didn't know how to be a better one.

You're right. Eventually, I would have realized her faults. I still think the abuse altered our relationship in unfortunate ways. The fantasy wasn't supposed to die so young. Maybe it is best to start fresh. When I view her as a friend instead of my mother, it's easier to forgive her and to get along. Thank again for your insight. You deserve happiness too.


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#304986 - 10/02/09 02:27 PM Re: The Rift with Mom [Re: Bewlayb1]
Whatever Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/09
Posts: 62
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted By: Bewlayb1

I don't know if I forgive her. It feels like a lie I want so much to believe: it wasn't her fault, she couldn't have known, there's no way she could have stopped that pedophile. I even feel guilty because I know she feels guilty now. At first, I wanted her to. But it gives me no solace to see her suffer.

No matter how much I care about her, and her about me, I think this rift will always be there. As a child, my love for her was different. It felt sacred. Now, she's like a friend. Maybe it was the abuse itself. When I think of my memories of her at seven compared with those at eight, it's almost as if a foster mother took over. She became a stranger and I didn't think she loved me. She was under a kind of magical glow before, and the pedophile dimmed it forever. I think I'll always feel like an orphan inside.


Sounded like I was reading something I wrote myself. I don't really have anything much to say, but I hear ya.

_________________________
"Trying is the first step to failure"
-Quote by Homer J. Simpson - World's greatest dad

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#304987 - 10/02/09 02:51 PM Re: The Rift with Mom [Re: Whatever]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, Bewlayb1.

It is like, you have described the relationship I have with my mother to a T.

The only difference is I do not smoke but she does.

You are not alone.

I too do NOT want to end up alone like her. My mom divorced my dad and his family (where my csa happened) 30 years ago.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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