Thank goodness for this forum. I have had a personal narrative regarding spirituality as long as I can remember. It went something like this.
In the beginning of my life, I had a strong connection to my Higher Power, who had given me gifts to use to survive a dark time in my life that had already started, that would last for many years, and would occlude my Higher Power altogether. The end took place in the year 2000, when some wonderful event would occur, the nature of which I did not know. Everything after that was a blank.
This is more or less how my life went until the month of September in the year 2000. This night, the most wonderful of my life, my dark period ended. I had reconnected with my Higher Power in visions and emotions.
It was a joyful reunion. I felt an invitation to relax into the experience, to allow myself to be cradled in His arms, to feel safe and ecstatic for the first time.
My Higher Power had some messages for me. First, He told me I was one of his favorite souls. Next, He told me I was one of His few who were chosen to carry gifts that had not only helped me survive my dark period, but could help others thrive once I had healed, and that I was to help people when appropriate.
Then my Higher Power explained to me that I had had a mental illness my entire life. I was astounded--I had never considered that possibility, but now that it was out on the table, it made sense. He showed me the truth of it by splitting my mind off from my soul, then comparing my intact soul to my diseased mind. I could see how my mind's pathways were twisted and darkened and my soul was clean and pure.
My Higher Power turned His attention toward my mother and her pathologies and how they affected my relationship with her. I had always despised her. She raged, provoked violent arguments with my father, controlled me and my sister (and likely my father, who had failed to stop this from happening), and gave us no privacy, no personal space, no quarter. As soon as I could, I left.
My Higher Power explained that my mother abused, neglected, lied to, and manipulated me. He showed me the emotional dynamic between me and my mother unfolding like a map with moving mechanical pieces. He also showed her wrapped in denial about her father's violent suicide--she blamed it on a "chemical imbalance." And of course she would never tell anyone about the true nature of their relationship--consensual sex between father and daughter, just like it was for her father and his mother. Sexual abuse thrives in darkness and with secrets.
He also showed that the abuse I survived from was intergenerational--I saw my ancestral tree of abusers and their child victims who went on to abuse their children, and so on to the present day.
So eventually I became tired and fell asleep, ending the most memorable night of my life. I was diagnosed with bipolar I later in the year, with anxiety disorder a little after--my psychiatrist and I fumbled through the vague and fleeting recollections of abuse, although a professional did not name the raw fear I felt as PTSD until later.
Between 2002-2007, my wife and I moved around the West Coast while I worked at jobs that I was preeminently qualified for, but in a field of work I detested. I would inevitably be fired from within a year and a half due either to me self-sabotaging or to being the lowest guy on the totem pole. We both intermittently struggled with substance abuse issues, and were separated while she went to rehab.
We hadn't planned on getting back together. But my connection to my Higher Power resumed at full strength. I felt as if I was charged with electricity, that despite that we had decided we were going to split up then, I could and should close the breach and reconnect with her. My Higher Power was clearly instructing me to relentlessly pursue my wife until we had reconciled, deal with the hard issues keeping us disconnected, and man up to being a good husband who takes good care of his wife.
It was just before my wife returned that a significant event occurred. I didn't much value the truth at that time--not having a notion of integrity or dignity, I didn't much care. But my psychologist slapped it in my face with too much force to ignore. At that moment, I felt angry with myself for not valuing something that important, and resolved to tell the truth. Besides reconciling with my wife, resolving to tell the truth was the other remarkable moment that eventually led up to me practicing radical honesty with my wife, when I first released a secret that I hadn't before had the integrity to bring to the table.
Recall that my Higher Power said that I would be able to use my gifts to help others when I had healed. Now, after 13 years of therapy, 16 months in Adult Children of Alcoholics, 7 months in an outpatient psychiatric unit, 2 weeks of hypnosis, and, a month ago, 6 days in an inpatient unit after a psychotic break, I feel healed but like a foal on uncertain footing. It's good to be reborn--not many people get that chance. For now, I'll just be me and express my internal happiness freely.
I feel certain I will not have to go to the hospital again, possibly never again.
Things have settled down since the last visit, but I still feel my Higher Power's joy, blinding white light, and sheer goodness in my solar plexus chakra when I concentrate. I can go into the light any time I want to. I can lie back and let the feeling fill my whole body. I can take it to the beach, Starbucks, a business meeting.
My wife and I sense radical change in the air for us. I'm not a New Ager but I believe in life energy. I have had first-hand evidence that energy entities exist. When the universe throws a ton of data at me that could be interpreted psychically as having a wonderful meaning, maybe I'll run with that. Can't hurt, right?
I'm happy for this forum and I hope to meet many interesting people here. Thank you for letting me have a soapbox tonight.
Energy. Positivity. Evolution. Truth.