behindthewall,
I just looked over an old post of yours to try and get some background, and I'm without words to describe how you were treated as a child.
Until you can find a therapist with whom you feel more confident and trusting, hopefully you can still find some use in going in to someone and having to put your experiences in to out loud words that someone esle can understand. Even though I can't begin to fathom your pain, I will say that putting out there what my issues are has proven enormously helpful.
I can't recall if I properly welcomed you when you some on board, so in the event I didn't, welcome and good to have you with us.
sono