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#305016 - 10/03/09 02:54 AM Re: After 9 years I found out... [Re: sono]
troubledsoul Offline


Registered: 09/30/09
Posts: 8
Hi Sono,

Thank you so much for your support. Your story helped a lot! My husband said he feels guilty because he was 15 and still he would seek the guy out. I told him you were abused from 13-20 and I could see he felt the relief that he was not abnormal. I have told him about the site and asked him to join. He said he will when he is a bit more stable. Lately he has been having a lot of anxiety attacks. Is that normal for a victim? Anxiety and panic attacks?
You said in your story that after more than 20 years it is bothering you now. Why? Was there a major change in your life? Nothing major happened to my husband except he hurt his back when he started getting panic and anxiety attacks. No flashbacks or anything. He had managed to completely forget about it for at least last 15 years. Did not even remember until he read up "Feeling Good" book to better handle his anxiety. So he is not sure that the "abuse" (although he never saw it as that till he tried to tell me and I asked him "Were you sexually abused?") is the cause of his anxiety hence very unwilling to face those memories that he blocked when he was 19. That was when the perp contacted him again (after moving away when he was 15) and this time he refused to meet him. He was afraid that the perp would tell his then girlfriend and she would break it off with him. The perp never contacted him after that. But my husband cannot still get angry at the perp. This worries me. Do you have any idea why? How did you handle the time when you first liked a girl at 16? If that is too personal then I am sorry.


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#305019 - 10/03/09 07:27 AM Re: After 9 years I found out... [Re: troubledsoul]
LittleMissL Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 42
Troubledsoul, for my husband it was almost 30 years before it started to really affect him. There is no real situation or episode that we can say triggered it and there very well may not have been. Now that it has surfaced, I have noticed that there is a specific time of year that always seems to trigger him and as a look back it was during that time period that the very first problems started.

So don't knock yourself out trying to figure out what triggered it because it could be something so general or random that you wouldn't think that was the cause.

Welcome to MS, you will get a lot of good help and support here, I know I have. Hopefully you can encourage your husband to seek therapy, and even if he won't, don't be afraid to seek it out for yourself!!!


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#305023 - 10/03/09 10:36 AM Re: After 9 years I found out... [Re: troubledsoul]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hi , I put your text together with my answers. I haven't learned how to do the quote thing yet.

Thank you so much for your support. Your story helped a lot!

>>>>That is really great to hear!

My husband said he feels guilty because he was 15 and still he would seek the guy out.

>>>Well yeah, that's something all of us guys who were abused in their teens share.

I told him you were abused from 13-20 and I could see he felt the relief that he was not abnormal. I have told him about the site and asked him to join. He said he will when he is a bit more stable.

>>>>That's great...it will be of immeasurable help to him, I know. Makes sure he understands that it's place of men just like him.


Lately he has been having a lot of anxiety attacks.

Is that normal for a victim? Anxiety and panic attacks?

>>>totally. Everyone is different of course, but panic and anxiety attacks are very common for many of us who haven't gone through therapy and some kind of recovery process.

You said in your story that after more than 20 years it is bothering you now. Why? Was there a major change in your life?

I'm not sure exactly how I said it, but it's not that it suddenly bothering me. It's never not bothered me...it was something I didn't think about too much for years until my mid 30s. Then it started to become more of an issue for me in a lot of ways. What I meant was that I am now just first dealing with it...I now have the strength to deal with it, knowing how frequently this happens after finding this web site. I just never realized that the totality of feelings I had about it and myself were shared by so many men. Quite honestly, in many ways I considered myself a disturbed freak for all of this, and that really began to change quickly after I started coming here. Within a few weeks I had found a therapist and was even lucky enough to find one who specializes in this area...I have to drive almost 2 hours to get to him, but it's well worth the drive for me, and I like the quiet time in the car to reflect.


Nothing major happened to my husband except he hurt his back when he started getting panic and anxiety attacks. No flashbacks or anything. He had managed to completely forget about it for at least last 15 years. Did not even remember until he read up "Feeling Good" book to better handle his anxiety.

Well, nothing major either of you know of or recognize. But I don't know that it's so important to recognize what the trigger was at this point. It IS so it must be dealt with.

So he is not sure that the "abuse" (although he never saw it as that till he tried to tell me and I asked him "Were you sexually abused?") is the cause of his anxiety hence very unwilling to face those memories that he blocked when he was 19.


>>>>Well, like I say it's not so important today to work out what was the cause, but as to whether the abuse would be a BIG candidate...yeah. It's put the shoe on the other foot time...if it were a woman who told you she had been molested for that many years who was having panic attacks you'd probably not question it for a moment that her panic attacks or whatever were caused by this or were symptomatic of it in some way. I only point this out to try and help you shed the thinking that you're probably not even aware of in terms of thinking of females and males being different in terms of reactions to, feelings about and responsibility for being an abuse victim. You know, lines like " well he's man, it shouldn't bother him that much" or it's different if you're a woman and raped than if you're a man.

That was when the perp contacted him again (after moving away when he was 15) and this time he refused to meet him. He was afraid that the perp would tell his then girlfriend and she would break it off with him. The perp never contacted him after that. But my husband cannot still get angry at the perp. This worries me. Do you have any idea why?

>>>I'd say for me, because I have exactly the same problem is that it's sort of like the emotion valve for that experience is turned off. Anything else would be too much to handle maybe. Another common thing is that the abusers ability to mix this twisted idea of love, caring and attention with sexual abuse gives us too many conflicting emotions to effectively deal with. Moreover their programming of being "grateful" to them can be so complete that it takes much work to feel anger even toward them.

How did you handle the time when you first liked a girl at 16? If that is too personal then I am sorry.

>>>>How did I handle it? Badly I have to say in retrospect. I was too dependent on him for too many things in my 16 year old mind to do anything about it. When he realized I was in love with her, he forbade me to see her. Like I did on so many occasions I capitulated. I regret that more than I can say, that is one of several battles your husband won, that you are too close to things to see right now. Like I said, he had convinced me that I was gay long before, so this level of control he had over me was damn intense. This particular chapter is one I feel terrible about to this day... immense guilt and shame on that one. It would be a few more years before I was strong enough. He had kept parts of my emotional development at 13 and that 13 year old wasn't ready to go out on his on at that point. My family were just a few people who slept in the same house for me, so he was the only thing I knew.


If there's any way I can be of help, particularly in terms of getting your husband to visit the site or whatever, please don't hesitate to PM me. He can likewise as well. It's a really great thing being able to help others here.


best of luck,

sono



Edited by sono (10/03/09 10:37 AM)
_________________________
the family
the perp

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#305046 - 10/03/09 01:33 PM Re: After 9 years I found out... [Re: sono]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 306
You are in a good place coming here Troubledsoul.

A few thoughts of mine:

Read & share here.

GOOD therapy is important. That may take a bit of time to find for a Male Survivor though.....at least that was my experience with my husband. I have yet to find a local person who has any experience with the wife.

Don't worry to much if you bumble your way through things, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, not understand thing .....Lord knows I have. You haven't had much time to process it. Seek out information and learn about it. With knowledge comes understanding.

It is difficult and isolating to not be able to talk with your friends and family but....to be honest - very few people can sit down and have a good conversation about this stuff. Again, this is my experience. Most people will squirm and try to change the subject so really you may not be missing out on much there.

Time helps. Time passes, feelings change, things become more clear....it's part of the journey.

Take care of yourself, take care of your kids, and try to be as supportive as you can.


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#305058 - 10/03/09 02:16 PM Re: After 9 years I found out... [Re: sugarbaby]
troubledsoul Offline


Registered: 09/30/09
Posts: 8
Thank you all for your support. It is making me feel better. I am the one staying up at night reading up things to best help him while my husband is peacefully sleeping. I see him and feel so much love (almost maternal). I want to take away whatever causes his anxiety.
I will come back with some more questions as the day progresses.


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#305063 - 10/03/09 03:40 PM Re: After 9 years I found out... [Re: troubledsoul]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
my misunderstanding

I never know. But thanks Mike for helping her.



Edited by DJsport (10/03/09 09:49 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#305079 - 10/03/09 08:30 PM Re: After 9 years I found out... [Re: DJsport]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Hi troubledsoul,

I'm glad you found us tho am sorry for the reason. One of the special things about this place is that you'll find many people who care deeply about others and are willing to share from the wealth of experience they themselves have developed while taking this journey.

As DJ said above, one of the most important things for the spouse/partner of a survivor to understand is that you cannot fix them. Any attempt at fixing will more than likely end up being resisted, resented, repulsed. Your job as a partner is to be there to offer support and encouragement but not to fix. Sure, go ahead and research the subject. Learn all you can, but he needs you to be his wife/partner/lover/friend, not his therapist.

A couple of good books you could read are titled "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew. Another is called "Abused Boys" by Mic Hunter. These books will bring you some understanding of where he's at, what he's been through, and enable you to quit groping blindly in the dark and start being the kind of support he needs. I'm sure there are other works that other Family and Friends participants could share with you that are specifically addressed to you as a spouse/partner and I'm hoping they will share those titles with you.

The books I mentioned can be found in our MS bookstore located here.

Best wishes to you both,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#305080 - 10/03/09 08:50 PM Re: After 9 years I found out... [Re: DJsport]
Mike1968 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/14/09
Posts: 117
Loc: California
To add to the discussion

I sent her an apology for my initial post and we have been communicating. When she inquired of what she could give her husband that maybe the abuser had offered him, I did say protection and nurturing.
Such as doing a few little things for him for maybe 2-3 min a day such as: having him lay down on her lap while she strokes his head (kinda like a baby), tying his shoes, sticking up for him etc...That may be what she meant in referring to "maternal'. In her notes, I never sensed her wanting to fix him.

She is trying to understand and has some unwarranted fears of her own, as he does. Which is normal

I know we all come from different experiences so that advice came from an incident I had with a massage therapist this year. I had a back injury.My Chiropractor and his wife who is the massage therapist pressured me into receiving a massage. I told them no a few times but eventually gave in. His wife's hands wandered to where it shouldn't have and stayed there. So there was no mistake. That evening old nightmares resurfaced.
My wife went over the following day and socked this woman in the parking lot while she was getting into her car. For whatever reason, that really helped me. I had yelled at her myself already
Initially I was kinda shocked my wife did it. And concerned the Massage Therapist would call the Cops on my wife but she certainly wouldn't. Had too much too loose.

Not advocating violence here but that was the reason I felt this lady could do a few things "maternally "for her hubby each day such as verbally sticking up for him etc....They have a little baby, she is recovering from a C section. She has much on her hands to deal with along with her husbands issues but seems to be plugging along really well. She's sweet.


Mike






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#305118 - 10/04/09 02:22 AM Re: After 9 years I found out... [Re: Mike1968]
troubledsoul Offline


Registered: 09/30/09
Posts: 8
Thanks a lot Mike for your support. I actually missed DJsport's message because lack of sleep finally caught up with me.
DJ, I am not here to fix him but to do my best to fight his fear from becoming a reality. His fear as of yesterday morning was "I am afraid I will not be able to enjoy my life, will always live in this constant anxiety that does not make me enjoy anything, even my own kids"
An also told me to read up books by Mike Lew. I will defiantely start there. And probably bug Mike from time to time :-)


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