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#304881 - 10/01/09 05:29 PM After 9 years I found out...
troubledsoul Offline


Registered: 09/30/09
Posts: 8
Hi,

I don't know how to start this. I have been desperately looking for help last few weeks. Apologize for the extremely long post.

I have been married for 8 years and know my husband for last 9 years. Our second daughter was born 7 weeks ago! And I found out that he was sexually abused 4 weeks ago!!

While playing basketball in January, my husband hurt his back and was given serious medicine after which he got a major panic attack. He has been having anxiety and small panic attacks since then. We saw a counselor for a couple of months for his anxiety and depression which we thought was due to some reaction from the drug and his parents coming down during our baby's birth.

The counselor could not help much and thought once his parents leave (his father and I had a bad relationship)his anxiety would be reduced.

That has not happened, he always finds new things to worry over and be anxious about. I could not understand this but I never had a clue.

He tells me he does not remember much. Only that it started when he was around 10 and went on till he was 15. He says that he is traumatized and does not need to see a therapist. It seems that when he met me he did not even remember the abuse so he did not tell me. He actually never identified himself as a victim, I remember we watched so many movies/series where there was sexual abuse (even Law and order:SVU) and he acted normal. (Although lately he does not want to watch any of those with me) So I believe that in some ways he did not see it as abuse because there was no violence involved.

From what little pieces I could get out of him, his father was very cold emotionally. Then a colleague of his father came to stay with them for a few months when he was 10. The guy was very warm and spend a lot of time teaching him to build robots (he was an electrical engineer) and got him interested in electronics. He then started to go to visit the guy every other week (whenever he would call) so they could spend time build things. That is how it started...

I am afraid to ask him the following questions (Can any only tell me if I can ask him or not?)

What bothers me is that he kept seeking the guy out even when he was 15 when he should have known better. WHY DID HE DO THAT? DID HE LIKE THE SEX? The guy finally moved away a little after he was 15 and that is when it stopped. He did have a violent phase after that...WHY? Was it withdrawal? Sometime before the guy left, he became involved with a girl but he still did not stop going there.

He later married her when he was 21 but after 3 months, she left him for another guy (they had not consumated their marriage as they were not living together and whenever they would try she would cry that it hurts and he would stop).

He did not have any other relationship till he met me and we got married. He seemed normal to me except with a very high sexual drive so I had trouble believing that he did not have sex with his first wife. I still have trouble believing but I have decided to trust him about that.

Now I don't know any more what to believe...

I do know that I love and I want to help him. I have told him that. I am also trying not to judge him hence I have done as much reading on the subject as possible but no where can i find my answers.

He now has feelings of "Is this real? Am I really standing here talking to my wife/kid?" or sometimes he feels that is disconnected with us. These cause him more anxiety. He even wonders if he loves us (me and the kids) anymore? IS THIS NORMAL? Why does he have this feelings? Because of unresolved issues? OR DOES HE STILL WANT SOMETHING THAT WE CAN'T GIVE? That he got from the other person who sexually abused him....


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#304884 - 10/01/09 05:57 PM Re: After 9 years I found out... [Re: troubledsoul]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
The answer to whether you should ask him those question is no to both of them. The abuse started back when he was 10 when he didn't know better. As he stated his father was emotionally very cold to him and a boy craves that attention, care, kindness from his father. When his fathers co-worker came to live with them and started to show interest in him by teaching him how to build robots, this was what he was looking for from his father and welcomed it with open arms. I would guess that there was a grooming process where the abuser gained your husbands trust and formed a bond. When the abuse started your husband was probably told that this is ok, its part of growing up, all friends do this. While this seems crazy to you, to a 10 year old who doesn't know about sex, he has no frame of reference. I don't know the whole explanation of why he continued to go see his abuser until he was 15 but I do know that it is common for this to happen.

As far as did he enjoy the sex? I can only tell you that a boys body responds to sexual touch just like everyone elses, regardless of whether it is wanted or unwanted. Abuse can be pleasurable.

What you need to do is to find a counselor who has experience with childhood sexual abuse preferably male sexual abuse. If he refuses to go, you should so that they can explain in more detail what is going on.

Abuse does not just effect the victim it effects the family. You need some help with this as much as he does

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#304895 - 10/01/09 07:16 PM Re: After 9 years I found out... [Re: onlyakid]
troubledsoul Offline


Registered: 09/30/09
Posts: 8
Hi Jason,

Thanks a lot for your answers. I am going to look for a counselor. Do I have to give some background for this? Does the feeling of "Am I really present here or not?" part of the symptoms or is this something else I am dealing with?
Also is his breakdown earlier this year as a result of his abuse?


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#304896 - 10/01/09 07:32 PM Re: After 9 years I found out... [Re: onlyakid]
Mike1968 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/14/09
Posts: 117
Loc: California
.













Edited by Mike1968 (10/01/09 09:55 PM)
Edit Reason: I was out of line and lacked grace. I am sorry

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#304898 - 10/01/09 07:50 PM Re: After 9 years I found out... [Re: Mike1968]
troubledsoul Offline


Registered: 09/30/09
Posts: 8
Hi Mike,

Thanks for your response. I have not said any of my doubts to my husband. I have only listened whenever he wanted to say something about it.
I joined this forum because it is for the family and friends and not the survivor. I am trying to understand his suffering but he had 22 years to deal with it. I just found out...and I came here to talk about my thoughts and feelings because I have no one to talk them with. He does not want me to tell anyone we know so I have to keep it to myself. He understands that he chose a very bad time to reveal this to me...
Sorry if I come out insenstive. I am having to deal with a crying baby, a healing c-section and my own post pregnancy hormonal ups and downs plus be there for him in any way he wants.


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#304900 - 10/01/09 08:07 PM Re: After 9 years I found out... [Re: troubledsoul]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Mike 1968,

Sorry, but I disagree. This is not just about him and his CSA either.

Troubledsoul came to this Family and Friends Forum to discuss her feelings and fears of which she has every right to do so. She needs someone to talk to just the same as everyone else. I think you came down way too hard on her!

This is also about her and her two children (of which the youngest is just 7 weeks old) as well. Not a fun thing to have 2 young children and have your husband questioning whether he even loves you, let alone your children!

Troubledsoul, my heart aches for you and I truly hope and pray that things get better for you and your family!

Lou


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#304903 - 10/01/09 08:14 PM Re: After 9 years I found out... [Re: troubledsoul]
Mike1968 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/14/09
Posts: 117
Loc: California
Ok I understand, thanks for your reply troubledsoul. I hope my post wasn't too harsh but what I read from you really shocked me. I felt it needed to be said that way.

You are enduring alot at the moment. To this day, when our son was an infant, it was the most difficult part of our marriage. We were both exhausted most of the time. Maybe that is why we had only one child LOL Hope you are able to re-coup somewhat despite your husbands issues. Additional stress seems to exasperate these kinds of things, even possibly bring them on.

I hope you refrain from giving your opinions to him, even if he asks. Glad to hear they were just vents on a message board but either way, he will sense your thoughts.

If you can just listen to him, that would be like gold to him. He will get better if you are supportive, that is the normal pattern. When you cannot tolerate hearing about a certain subject, or where the conversation veers off to (such as details of the sex acts) interrupt him to tell him you can't deal with hearing that. It is better than causing you and him distress, I wouldn't test yourself. If he asks if you think he is less of a man, gay etc.. just say something like"No it is just me that can't reconcile where to put that info in my brain" Something general like that is a good reply. It will take a firm woman, but you can do it.

One comment from you and you can put him back so far the Therapist may never be able to get him back. You may need to vent to a friend about what he tells you or even here. Next time I will be more patient knowing you are not telling him these things, sorry for that. ((You both will be in my prayers))



Mike




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#304905 - 10/01/09 08:29 PM Re: After 9 years I found out... [Re: Lou]
Mike1968 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/14/09
Posts: 117
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: Lou
Mike 1968,

Sorry, but I disagree. This is not just about him and his CSA either.

Troubledsoul came to this Family and Friends Forum to discuss her feelings and fears of which she has every right to do so. She needs someone to talk to just the same as everyone else. I think you came down way too hard on her!

This is also about her and her two children (of which the youngest is just 7 weeks old) as well. Not a fun thing to have 2 young children and have your husband questioning whether he even loves you, let alone your children!

Troubledsoul, my heart aches for you and I truly hope and pray that things get better for you and your family!

Lou




Hi Lou,
I am not convinced he is questioning his love for his family so if I may suggest not reinforce that notion. It's just one post on a message board. It could work against this families unity. Allowances should be made to understand her husband is not in his normal frame of mind. He is likely not thinking clearly but has shared a great deal of private stuff with her already. This is a good sign.

Nor can I agree with you that "This is not just about him and his CSA either"
Family or not, he would have had to deal with his CSA at some time. It is not known for going away or disappearing but he is the Victim here, and if forgotten and blame is applied, it will be a barrier to his healing. We can agree to wish them the best. I never said she didn't have the right to come here, nor did that thought ever cross my mind. Nor would it.

We can agree to wish her and her family the best, and share in praying for her. Blessings to you also, Mike







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#304914 - 10/01/09 09:51 PM Re: After 9 years I found out... [Re: Mike1968]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1960
My input would to try and be as supportive as possible. It would be best if at some point he got into some therapy for this, where he could work through and talk about what happened (that is my take at least). It sounds like your husband is having a real hard time right now, and honestly he might be unsure about many things. Things can get better. The more you can be supportive the better, but at times he may need his space as well. Also, if things were to get to the point where he is crossing your boundaries and hurting you in some way then things change at that point. But for now, try and love and support him and give him a chance to get through this. Your support could be the thing that turns things around for him.

Eric


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#304931 - 10/02/09 12:28 AM Re: After 9 years I found out... [Re: ericc]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Dear troubledsoul,

First let me say how sorry I am for you that hits is now part of life.

Like your husband you MUST put the blame where it belongs...at the feet of that family friend of so long ago. He is the person who is upsetting your and your family's life. Your husband is a victim of extreme long term abuse which got so into your husband's head that it became normal for him.

Please just take a moment to think about that from the standpoint of a child not an adult. Children can believe anything they are taught, and with the familial dynamics you describe it's very easy to imagine your husband having been a very at-risk child. And yes, ready to believe and do anything this person wants who is offering love, affection, intimacy, something private and special.

All of that before your husband had any clue about sex, sexuality or anything else. Do you imagine that father had already had a warm informative and frank discussion about the birds and bees by the time your husband was 10? Doubtful.

Now, you ask very specifically about his age and that you feel he should have known better. Ouch my friend! I know you're new to all of this so you have a limited frame of reference for these things. It's a new concept and a new way you have to think of your husband, but he was not only the victim of sexual abuse, but severe mental abuse as well.

Someone who sexualizes and basically rapes a 10 year old boy isn't just a sexual monster...they are also cunning mind control experts. Without knowing a thing about your husband's perp, I can say he was sick...from there it's not a very far leap to realize that power over the child is very important to the abuser. Power to do what they want, and power to make the child keep quiet and power to make them keep coming back. Someone like this guy clearly knew just how to keep your husband in line and that includes keeping it going till he was 15!

I will tell you by way of full disclosure that I was abused from the ages of 13 to 20. You must be flipping out at that, but it happens...did happen. And no, I'm not gay...I was certainly screwed up, big time, but I got it together, met a great woman in college and have been happily married for 22 years. Now we've had some ups and downs to be sure, but things are really great now, so that is possible I want you to know.

Our situation was different in that I told her about all of this shortly after we started going out, because we could both feel something serious was about to happen and I felt I had to tell her. Your husband's situation is different and I'm sure whether he made a conscious choice or had the memories repressed or whatever, he made the absolute best choice he could at that time.

One thing is clear however and that is that your husband desperately needs therapy. It may take some time till he is ready to realize that. I know the guys above have given some good advice about that. Check out the books here on the site...my wife has found Allies in Healing to be very helpful. I'm obviously no professional, but it certainly sounds like your husband is having some dissociation issues, and maybe even extreme ones. Do a lot of reading and I'm sure you'll be able to get a feel for that. He could also just be in emotional shock if all of this has just come at him. Even if you know about it, meaning you haven't forgotten about it, it can still just explode into the consciousness in a way. It kind of sounds like this is his case and he probably can't work out any of his feelings about anything or maybe all of his emotions have just stopped as well. Neither of these needs to be permanent. Try to get him on here perhaps. About all it takes is reading some of these stories about some of us and I bet his attitude will begin to come around.

Please feel to read my story on the first link below...the other one is over on the members only side. Maybe it makes you realize that your husband isn't the only one. Sorry if my post was too emotion filled, but as you can imagine the topic is very close to me as well. As you may have already been able to sense from your husband many of us are somewhat defensive and I guess the need to defend one of our own is strong. I hope you can get him to come here...he has many brothers here waiting to join him in his recovery when he's ready.

I wish you and your husband strength and success in working through this.

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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