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#304754 - 09/30/09 03:38 PM support group tonight
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I'll be going to my spouses group tonight. Last week I left with less hope then I walked in with. Most people there are ready to leave their spouses due to lack of things getting better after years and years. It's sad and I guess it was a reality check I was not ready for. Wish me luck as I walk back into another hour of the real world. Maybe it will be better tonight. I'm overwhelmed right now. My whole life is about being overwhelmed right now....it's hard.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#304780 - 09/30/09 08:52 PM Re: support group tonight [Re: dangal]
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
Wow Jen. I admire so much your courage and wisdom and how supportive you've been to all here.

you've a right and wonderful human-ness to be overwhelmed as overwhelming it is. and yes , it's hard. let us know how it goes and keep that amazing courage. It'll get you though to the light in the distance . what's there will get clearer as you get nearer to it....
Hope and Healing, An


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#304800 - 09/30/09 10:59 PM Re: support group tonight [Re: An]
Mike1968 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/14/09
Posts: 117
Loc: California
I'll keep you in my prayers. I admire your courage

If the group feels overall non productive, another group may be better suited


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#304804 - 09/30/09 11:11 PM Re: support group tonight [Re: Mike1968]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Jen,

Regardless of how it went please know you're in our thoughts and you have our support.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#304883 - 10/01/09 05:53 PM Re: support group tonight [Re: WalkingSouth]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Jen,

I hope you found the group helpful. Sometimes my own experiences of such activities suggest that it's better to look at meetings over time, rather than just assessing them on the basis of a visit or two. But then, I say this as a relative novice to any kind of recovery group participation, and also realizing that you might already know this! (or have a different set of criteria you want to apply)....

The short comment is that I am happy and inspired to see that you are reaching out. We cannot endure this journey alone--and I for one really appreciate your presence and support as we do our best to move forward!

Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#305018 - 10/03/09 04:28 AM Re: support group tonight [Re: honey girl]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Hi all...I typed this so fast, running out the door....I had meant to say "last MONTH" not last week. These are suppose to be every other week groups but the therapist had something going on so she couldn't be there for the last one so it got dumped. Here's the funny thing, I'm sooo overwhelmed that I was off a week and I didn't need to be there till next wed. At first I got teary eyed. I was upset, embarrassed that I'm messed up this much that I can't even keep my weeks straight and I wasted so much time, energy and whatever else I had wasted. Then I decided I didn't care. I must have needed that extra hour of quiet time in the car, ALONE, to think and to just be. I needed daddy to do homework, to clean up after dinner and to deal with the kids fighting like mad before bed. Yes dear, I'm sorry they were really awful beasts that night but I honestly needed that mini recharge and if it came from my blonde moment, so be it.

Having said that, thanks for everyones kind words, I'll be back in a few days to read it before I rush out the door to my real group. You guys are awesome. THANK YOU.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#305653 - 10/08/09 04:40 PM Re: support group tonight [Re: dangal]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Sooo, went to my group last night. The heavy air that was there last time was gone. It was a lot better tonight, more good stories than bad. It was good. It's still hard, I mean none of this is easy. The one thing I'm stuggling with is this....
This is the first time in 19 years I've sat down and talked about anything around this outloud. Everyone else is all composed. I'm a freaking mess. I could cry the entire time. It takes everything I have to not bawl the entire hour and a half. I do cry but I stop myself from being a total blubbering fool. I think it's just been held in for so long. I mean, I could just ball up and lie on a couch and just howl and cry but I can't. That is how I feel while I'm there, and I wonder if I just did that if I wouldn't feel like that everytime. If I just got it out for a good twenty mintues! I don't know but I hate it. So much bottled up, so much pain. So much frustration. I think I scare them! smile

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#305749 - 10/09/09 09:18 AM Re: support group tonight [Re: dangal]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
dangal,

not much time so will keep it short---

why not just let it out at group? I'm sure everyone there will understand. The pain will not come out unless you allow yourself a safe place to grieve. That may be in private, with one or two others, or in group. One way or another you need to grieve. Doing it in the company of good, kind, caring people may be just the ticket... Think about it.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#305750 - 10/09/09 09:32 AM Re: support group tonight [Re: WalkingSouth]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Hi Jen,

Yes, this is hard.

You don't scare them. They've been there. And, Jen, I think that the intensity of the grief and pain you are feeling might be frightening to you because it might feel so much like being out of control and that's intolerable because so much of our lives feels that way when we are involved with a survivor. Think of it as a damn bursting...there is a cataclysmic event with a great rush as the wall comes down but then the flow of the river reverts to its natural state in harmony with all around it. It's not longer bound up behind the damn being of use and service to everyone else on someone else's terms. Let it out, you'll be ok when its over and we will all be here to listen.

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#305754 - 10/09/09 10:22 AM Re: support group tonight [Re: cstjude]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Jen,

It's OK to cry, even howl. You have a lot to cry about.
I am convinced that emotions are meant to be temporary conditions. They are still meaningful and important, but when we hold on to them they gain disproportionate intensity. At least that has been my interpretation to my own periods of delayed grieving. The tears really don't go on forever, as much as you think they could.
Now that you are there in a group, among people who know from their own painful experiences something about what you are going through, you can start to let that pain go.
Will it always be perfect? Will you find the support you need and want every time? Not necessarily. But you can gradually discover ways that work for you to deal with the horrible burden you have been carrying in silence and isolation for all this time.
I cried myself last night at my S-Anon group. I wasn't the only one. We all had much pain out, around the table. And one of the feelings I left with was admiration for all of us, in having the courage to go on.
You can do it, Jen. We are all pulling for you.

Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#305817 - 10/09/09 09:28 PM Re: support group tonight [Re: honey girl]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 856
Loc: washington
Dangal,

Why is pain...the price of admission...???

The lunacy of skating the thin ice and fearing everything is falling to pieces.

Out of the ashes, they came carrying life perservers.

They fell to the ground and wept. Their courage to persevere against great odds, gave way to new meaning.

no one, asked them for a ticket.


My Carousel (Finger Eleven..."The Greyest of Blue Skies")

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#305977 - 10/11/09 08:02 AM Re: support group tonight [Re: honey girl]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Thanks. I guess what has stopped me is that it's a small group and across from me are 2 dudes who really don't seem to care about me and my crying and I feel so dang weak when I cry. I have always had this hang up with crying. I hate it. AND of course, I have to be one of those types that will cry when someone thinks badly of me or looks crossed eyed at me so it's really not fun. I don't enjoy feeling or looking all girly weak with these guys staring at me, I didn't think about guys being in my group at all. It kinda threw me at first. My husband goes to therapy at a place that specializes in men only who have been abused. This is a spouses group run through them. I figued it would be all inclusive to the facility but clearly, it's not. It never crossed my mind that I could be dealing with this with men, so I've still have really processed it fully yet. Not that I can't talk to men, I do it here all the time, and I adore you guys. I don't know what it is exactly. I will work it out over time.
What I do know is that this year has been an awful one for me and I'm not just dealing with pain from being married to the man I'm married too. Don't get me wrong, He's a big ole slice of it but my son got very ill in april and was taken to childrens hospital in seattle where he spent over a week before they could find the right antibodic to kill the infection that was taking over the bone in his head. He was released with a PICC line so that I could take care of him round the clock, give him infusions every 4 hours. We were not home 10 hours when my mom passed away unexpectedly. My son didn't get better after 3 month of the infusions a MRI showed that the infection was not gone but had taken over his bone and his disingrated it. Back in the hospital to have the bones removed and he stayed with that PICC line for another month to keep the infection from spreading to his brain. All from some rare bug, which I ended up getting a mild form of, I was sick for weeks with a horrible ear infection that they couldn't clear up. I feel like I've been beat down, I've lost my friend in my mom, she was such a support in all the stuff with my husband and it's just really taken a huge toll on me. Medical bills, we are a sales commission family in this economy...you get the idea. It's I'm going to go the doctors on monday and ask for something for depression as I'm just not me after all of this.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#305978 - 10/11/09 08:32 AM Re: support group tonight [Re: dangal]
givemestrength Offline


Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 26
Hi Jen, I'm only new here so I hope you don't mind be butting in here and responding to your post.
I felt very sad as I read about your struggles over the past twelve months. I think you are a lot stronger, braver and resilient than it sounds like you give yourself credit for. I'm so sorry to hear about your mum passing away. To lose such a significant support person must have been truly devastating especially at a time when your son was sick. Loosing someone close to you is hard enough when you don't have an ill child and aren't living with a survivor.
Good on you for sticking with your group. I think your incredibly brave for even fronting up to a group like that. I think the most important thing is to do things in your own time. If you aren't comfortable opening up to these people straight away and letting them see you cry I think that's ok because to be fair you don't know them all that well and it takes time to trust people in a situation where you are divulging personal stuff. Conversely if you need to cry and can know longer hold it in then cry...hopefully the faciliatator and other members have enough compassion and understanding to make you feel ok about sharing how you truly are feeling....afterall your all there for common reasons.
I know you said you feel beaten down and I've only had a glimpse into your situation but you sound like you've had A LOT to deal with recently.
Again I'm so so sorry and saddend to hear of the passing of your mum. I hope that your son is doing better and your ear infection has started to clear up.
You sound like an amazing person who has the strength to juggle many complicated problems at once...

Hope things start looking up for you.
Be kind to yourself


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#305983 - 10/11/09 10:21 AM Re: support group tonight [Re: givemestrength]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 856
Loc: washington
(((((~Jen~)))))

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#306016 - 10/11/09 05:34 PM Re: support group tonight [Re: 1islandboy]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Originally Posted By: 1islandboy
(((((~Jen~)))))

island


what ^^^ he ^^^ said... smile

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#306191 - 10/12/09 08:15 PM Re: support group tonight [Re: WalkingSouth]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
gms~thanks for the kind words. It means a lot to me. I think that I'm just not starting to deal with everything that has happened and that is why I'm just now starting to crash. I had a lot of strength for so long and now I just feel so wasted all the time. I feel like I can't take one more dang thing and then of course, one more thing happens.
I went to our doctor today, a dear friend took me, it's the only way that I've been able to drag myself in. He started me on something that should help me out. Hopefully I can start feeling better soon. I have not felt good for so long, he did find that my ear infection still was not gone 100 percent which could explain partly why I am so run down. He's got me on something for that as well. There was a time that I had to juggle so much, taking care of the family, doing these infusions, trying to plan a funeral, helping my dad with his pain, and I kept this up for so long that now even the smallest little things just seem so overwhelming to me. I can't seem to handle anything and it's awful. I am hopeful for some help now so I can keep being strong for my kids and husbnad. To Island and John....thanks for the hugs. They came at a perfect time. smile

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#306670 - 10/16/09 09:25 AM Re: support group tonight [Re: dangal]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Jen,

Sorry to let so much time pass without replying to your longer de>
_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#306775 - 10/17/09 04:16 AM Re: support group tonight [Re: honey girl]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Thanks so much hg. I do have to let people in and let them help. DH does not know how to help me or to care for me the way I need to be cared for. Just a week after my mom's death I was in bed, couldn't move I was sleeping the day away, I didn't even know I was doing it. I finally called a friend to help me with the boys and she called another friend and they called hubby at work because little man still needed infusions and I was out of it, totally in grief and shut down.

Hubby came home to find these woman in our home, cleaning and cooking and trying to figure out what to do and he came into our bedroom and sat next to me and I was expecting my knight in shining armor to help me and told me I really had to buck up and pull myself together. Of course that went over well. I lost it. My friend came in and asked what he had said to me so I told her and I guess my girlfriends had a little sit down with him and told him that I needed time to deal with EVERYTHING that had happened to me and that my life had been turned upside down and I had just lost my mom and I needed some more time not to buck up, and his response was "she's had time." I guess he got a butt chewing.

He didn't get it. He does not get it. He's not an emotional person who can put himself in your shoes. He has shut himself off from feelings for so long that he honestly felt that a week was plenty long enough to deal with the loss of my mother. Wow. I'm still a mess. It's the hardest thing to lose a parent when you are so young. It's no good.
SOO yes, let someone in, let them give back to you my dear, i know you are worth it.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#308861 - 11/01/09 01:05 AM Re: support group tonight [Re: dangal]
morningperson Offline


Registered: 11/01/09
Posts: 3
Hello, I don't know if you'll get this reply since it's been awhile since the last post. I'm in your group, sitting on the same couch. It was a surprise for me to see the men(husbands) too my first time. What i have observed is that each person's story & situation is unique in some ways while similar in others. wives will not have all the same issues, neither will husbands. There is opportunity in every person's advice. I would think that when the men see you so emotional & concerned, they see a loving wife with a healthy normal desire for emotional connection that they don't normally experience. Your sensitivity & depth of emotion is important to the group. It is hard for me to be emotional & my husband jokes I have no empathy because i am solution oriented rather than connection oriented. For reasons not related to SA i have controlled my emotions my whole life, I have to 'practice' opening up before coming in to our meetings, expressing anything other than positive emotions is very difficult for me. Ultimately i feel your sincerity and raw emotion is good for all of us. (ps-please don't use my real name as i prefer anonymity)


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#308991 - 11/02/09 03:57 AM Re: support group tonight [Re: morningperson]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Awwww, thanks for putting this up. I would never use your name, if you wanted that out there I would have figured you to have put hey, this is so and so, not the person on the same couch as you :)I'm so glad you are here. It's nice that you know how I'm feeling and how hard I'm fighting back tears the entire time. You seem so pulled together so I'm really thankfully that you told me about your emotions are hard to show. I'm lucky to have you in my group. Thanks for helping me through all of this stuff. See ya in a few days. I had a sick wee one last week and couldn't make it. I really need my tune up.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#309953 - 11/11/09 12:40 AM Re: support group tonight [Re: dangal]
pandora Offline


Registered: 09/26/09
Posts: 15
Hi Jen and morningperson,

Newbie to the group. Thank goodness for the internet. This sister/brother/family hood website is very comforting. Y'all thought it was a small world, but the internet makes it even smaller.

I believe I will be introducing myself to you both tomorrow evening at group and I believe it's "we three"! We are so lucky to live in such a progressive town. And I owe it all to Oprah's magazine.

Looking forward to meeting you both,
Your psychic sister


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#310124 - 11/12/09 03:02 AM Re: support group tonight [Re: pandora]
pandora Offline


Registered: 09/26/09
Posts: 15
Jen and morningperson,

Not so psychic after all. I had high hopes this group was "ours"
I live in the same area. Being a committed partner of 24 years, I realize there is a lot to learn.

Will post my story later and introduce myself to all. I have learned so much by reading posts from everyone.

Thanks


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#310796 - 11/18/09 02:12 AM Re: support group tonight [Re: pandora]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
wow, I was thinking that would be crazy! I'm not sure how you ruled us out but I guess you would know. I'm glad you found the site, it's very helpful. We are all in a sisterhood so to speak. We need to lean on each other as it's a hard life at times. Good luck!

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#315361 - 12/20/09 12:20 PM Re: support group tonight [Re: dangal]
morningperson Offline


Registered: 11/01/09
Posts: 3
Hiya dangal! We missed you last time, I hope everything is stable. I found a great new site that i thought you might not have seen yet (though you probably have). Since your huney is so protective of the kids, has he looked at http://www.stopitnow.com/ ?

Also Hi Pandora, i'm not sure if you're in our group or not but it would be really cool if we all were smile

Wishing you both a Merry Christmas, I know the holidays can bring more stress that happiness sometimes. Next meeting Jan 6.


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#315859 - 12/23/09 02:38 AM Re: support group tonight [Re: morningperson]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
It was not a good night to leave the family. I'm sorry I was not there. I reallllly needed to be there for me but it was not to be. Thanks for checking in. I have not seen it so thanks for showing it to me. It's been a rocky week. I don't drink but I'm tempted to ask you over for some wine! See you in the new year.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#316303 - 12/25/09 05:30 PM Re: support group tonight [Re: dangal]
pandora Offline


Registered: 09/26/09
Posts: 15
Hi morningperson and dangal,

Well... same place, same time, same day, wrong week!

I was bummed because you all seem to be dealing with the same stuff as me, I'm just months behind you. I believe your group is closed to new members. My group has more female survivor spouses than males, so it's a different interpretation.

The holidays bring out a lot of "feelings" for hubby and it's a thin line between good and bad. Uhgggg. Include me for that glass of wine. Wishing us all the best towards peace and mind/body health for all our families and our spouses. Clear your mailboxes, I would like to pm you each individually.

Merry Christmas everyone.

xoxo


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