Well, now that I have finished the bitch fest that was my last post, I would like to make another (less bitchy) one. Also, I will stop saying b!tch, starting... now.
After years of blocking my emotions, when they do show up now they are so extreme (as you may have noticed lol). I am also at the point where I want to shout out to everyone what happened to me. This can be a not so good combination, sometimes.
Growing up, I was never taught how to deal with emotions or situations that cause me stress. Basically, I was taught and intimidated into just blocking feelings and not dealing with them. I used to pride myself with my ability to control feelings and thoughts. Little did I know that later on, it would be one of my biggest weaknesses, not strengths.
I am mad at so many people for so many things. But most of all I am mad at myself. As my mom tells me, "you need to get over it". That isn't a realistic option. I will never "get over it". But I do need to deal with it.
Anyway... This place scares me sometimes. When I am out in the world, I am just some random person that nobody cares about. I can just hide in the open and nobody notices. But here, everyone seems to be right inside my head. You all know how my mind works (for the most part). I've always felt like I was completely alone. Then I come here and there are so many people that understand me. So many people that I understand. This seems like it would be the greatest thing ever, and it is. However, it is also scary because I feel so... naked or exposed here.
At the same time, I feel like I am looking at some bad, evil website. If someone were to walk in the room here, I would close this window. I don't want anyone to know. Yet I do. I want everyone to know, but I am so ashamed. Still feels like it was all my fault. Why do I feel that way? I feel so guilty and shameful for what happened. Why is it that I feel like I need to hide this? Like I have done something horribly wrong that nobody can ever know about. It seems silly, but that is how I feel.
Also, I feel horrible because I am wrecking my whole "family structure" so to speak... if I ever had one in the first place.
I do not think I will ever have another family xmas, thanksgiving, easter, all those family holidays are out. Why do I feel like it's my fault that on my birthday next month I will not see my family. At Christmas this year, I will be here with my dog while the rest of my family spends the day together. This is not meant for pity, I am just saying that it feels like my fault. If my mom didn't find out about all this, xmas would still be on as usual and I would be getting a birthday cake in about a month. Life will be much different from now on. In some ways, it's a good thing. But change is difficult.
Major life changes are going on for me right now, and I simply do not know how to deal with these things. Simple, normal things that happen to everyone, I never learned how to handle them. I am also angry about that. I blame my dad for that. Most of my life, 110% of my energy has been spent on survival mode, not growing and maturing like everyone else.
Well, I totally lost track of where I was going with this. After my last post, I felt that I owed myself (and the people that read it) another, more constructive post. Not sure if this was
constructive, but I said what is on my mind in a non "fuck the world" kind of way. So that is a step in the right direction. :P
Have a nice day