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#304719 - 09/30/09 10:50 AM trying to be constructive (yay!)
Whatever Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/09
Posts: 62
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Well, now that I have finished the bitch fest that was my last post, I would like to make another (less bitchy) one. Also, I will stop saying b!tch, starting... now.

After years of blocking my emotions, when they do show up now they are so extreme (as you may have noticed lol). I am also at the point where I want to shout out to everyone what happened to me. This can be a not so good combination, sometimes.

Growing up, I was never taught how to deal with emotions or situations that cause me stress. Basically, I was taught and intimidated into just blocking feelings and not dealing with them. I used to pride myself with my ability to control feelings and thoughts. Little did I know that later on, it would be one of my biggest weaknesses, not strengths.

I am mad at so many people for so many things. But most of all I am mad at myself. As my mom tells me, "you need to get over it". That isn't a realistic option. I will never "get over it". But I do need to deal with it.

Anyway... This place scares me sometimes. When I am out in the world, I am just some random person that nobody cares about. I can just hide in the open and nobody notices. But here, everyone seems to be right inside my head. You all know how my mind works (for the most part). I've always felt like I was completely alone. Then I come here and there are so many people that understand me. So many people that I understand. This seems like it would be the greatest thing ever, and it is. However, it is also scary because I feel so... naked or exposed here.

At the same time, I feel like I am looking at some bad, evil website. If someone were to walk in the room here, I would close this window. I don't want anyone to know. Yet I do. I want everyone to know, but I am so ashamed. Still feels like it was all my fault. Why do I feel that way? I feel so guilty and shameful for what happened. Why is it that I feel like I need to hide this? Like I have done something horribly wrong that nobody can ever know about. It seems silly, but that is how I feel.

Also, I feel horrible because I am wrecking my whole "family structure" so to speak... if I ever had one in the first place.

I do not think I will ever have another family xmas, thanksgiving, easter, all those family holidays are out. Why do I feel like it's my fault that on my birthday next month I will not see my family. At Christmas this year, I will be here with my dog while the rest of my family spends the day together. This is not meant for pity, I am just saying that it feels like my fault. If my mom didn't find out about all this, xmas would still be on as usual and I would be getting a birthday cake in about a month. Life will be much different from now on. In some ways, it's a good thing. But change is difficult.

Major life changes are going on for me right now, and I simply do not know how to deal with these things. Simple, normal things that happen to everyone, I never learned how to handle them. I am also angry about that. I blame my dad for that. Most of my life, 110% of my energy has been spent on survival mode, not growing and maturing like everyone else.

Well, I totally lost track of where I was going with this. After my last post, I felt that I owed myself (and the people that read it) another, more constructive post. Not sure if this was constructive, but I said what is on my mind in a non "fuck the world" kind of way. So that is a step in the right direction. :P

Have a nice day smile



Edited by Whatever (09/30/09 11:28 AM)
_________________________
"Trying is the first step to failure"
-Quote by Homer J. Simpson - World's greatest dad

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#304730 - 09/30/09 11:57 AM Re: trying to be constructive (yay!) [Re: Whatever]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
don't worry, it was very constructive, and there are so many points of enlightenment that rather than point them out, i'll just confirm them all with big:

bang on!

keep talkin, cause i be likin what you be sayin!

all the best,

ron

ps: glad you're feeling 'better' smile

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#304735 - 09/30/09 12:43 PM Re: trying to be constructive (yay!) [Re: Whatever]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Glad to see that you have come back:

Originally Posted By: Whatever
After years of blocking my emotions, when they do show up now they are so extreme (as you may have noticed lol). I am also at the point where I want to shout out to everyone what happened to me.

Growing up, I was never taught how to deal with emotions or situations that cause me stress. Basically, I was taught and intimidated into just blocking feelings and not dealing with them. I used to pride myself with my ability to control feelings and thoughts. Little did I know that later on, it would be one of my biggest weaknesses, not strengths.


You are quite right. Blocking our emotions and learning to feel again and experience healthy emotion again is one of the difficult challenges in recovery. Here on our site as we get to know other members we can learn to empathize with others and recover our feelings. Often our bottled-up feelings come pouring-out all over each other when we finally let ourselves go. I remember when I let my suppressed feelings go, and there were other more-senior people there to reassure me. You are already making good progress in your recovery.

Originally Posted By: Whatever
I am mad at so many people for so many things. But most of all I am mad at myself.


Most of us here know all about self-focused anger. To people who don't know, it appears that we are angry at them. There will be some anger to deal with as we move forward in our recovery. There are healthy ways to express anger. Bottling our anger up isn't good for us or for anyone. Someday on down the recovery road you will learn to forgive yourself too.

Originally Posted By: Whatever
Anyway... This place scares me sometimes. When I am out in the world, I am just some random person that nobody cares about. I can just hide in the open and nobody notices. But here, everyone seems to be right inside my head. You all know how my mind works (for the most part). I've always felt like I was completely alone. Then I come here and there are so many people that understand me. So many people that I understand. This seems like it would be the greatest thing ever, and it is. However, it is also scary because I feel so... naked or exposed here.

At the same time, I feel like I am looking at some bad, evil website. If someone were to walk in the room here, I would close this window. I don't want anyone to know. Yet I do. I want everyone to know, but I am so ashamed. Still feels like it was all my fault. Why do I feel that way? I feel so guilty and shameful for what happened. Why is it that I feel like I need to hide this? Like I have done something horribly wrong that nobody can ever know about. It seems silly, but that is how I feel.


You know, my man, almost everyone that has come into recovery has had many of these same questions. They have been suppressing their emotions and protecting themselves, and they are always on guard lest anything slip out. In my experience in recovery, letting yourself go in your recovery and beginning to trust others again is one of the tough steps. At least here on the internet we are pretty anonymous. We do understand what you have been going through, as we have all been there ourselves. What happened when you were a kid wasn't your fault. Your father intimidating you into suppressing your emotions wasn't your fault either. Your mother's lack of empathy for you isn't your fault either. If you can get a copy I would recommend looking through a couple of John Bradshaw books, HEALING THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU, and THE FAMILY, then Matthew McKay's book SELF ESTEEM. If you have not yet looked through a CSA recovery text like Mike Lew's book VICTIMS NO LONGER or Mic Hunter's book ABUSED BOYS, I also recommend reading through both.

Originally Posted By: Whatever
Major life changes are going on for me right now, and I simply do not know how to deal with these things. Simple, normal things that happen to everyone, I never learned how to handle them. I am also angry about that. I blame my dad for that. Most of my life, 110% of my energy has been spent on survival mode, not growing and maturing like everyone else


Starting wholeheartedly into our recovery involves assessing and giving-up a whole lot of assumptions and preconceived notions that we had been making in our lives. You will learn to feel again and to experience emotion in a healthy manner, but you have to let yourself go in order to get there. Nobody here is going to look down on you for your past or your attempt to cover-up what happened, as we all did it ourselves. What is important here is moving forward.

Hope that this helps you a little bit,

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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