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#304494 - 09/28/09 10:00 AM i
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
.




Edited by Freedom49 (05/21/10 05:47 PM)

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#304503 - 09/28/09 10:39 AM Re: Invisible person in my bedroom [Re: Freedom49]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
what a great perspective roger. this reminds of danny t's discussion and his experiment.

the fact that any subsequent sexual touch is an echo of the first is very credible. i know for myself i have determined to maintain a very close connection to that first orgasm, whether in relationships with others or myself.

there is so much to consider on the topic of the common thread, and that is, as you identified, the 'invisible person in my bedroom'.

thanks for the important sharing.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#304504 - 09/28/09 10:51 AM Re: Invisible person in my bedroom [Re: Sans Logos]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
This is one I've been thinking about more and more of late. I've become convinced there is an aspect of the hiddenn spectre in my bedroom as well. Thanks for the food for thought, Roger.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#304505 - 09/28/09 11:08 AM Re: Invisible person in my bedroom [Re: WalkingSouth]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, Roger.

I have been experiencing the exact same thing.

I have read a book entitled "Ghosts in the bedroom". I am not sure of the author as I am at work.

It was written with survivors in mind.

Your not alone.

Peace my friend,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#304519 - 09/28/09 01:07 PM Re: Invisible person in my bedroom [Re: DJsport]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
This makes perfect sense and I think would apply to many. Interesting topic to ponder and identify the times when the mind wanders away or shuts down during sex.

Thanks for bringing this up.



Edited by prisonerID (09/28/09 01:11 PM)
_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#304697 - 09/30/09 12:35 AM Re: Invisible person in my bedroom [Re: prisonerID]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
The absence of panic during sex that wasn't with my perp became disconcerting at some point I think. I realize there was a part of me looking for that panic feeling, and creating it by panicking about everything...that's a real aphrodisiac for sure! This was probably 9 years after the abuse ended...wow that's not as long as I had thought, I just never counted the years before...I thought the absence of panic was some flaw in me...again. I never realized that this panicked feeling was such a non stop feature of things with my perp until recently. It's really strange to think about now, but I ask myself today, who would want to be panicked during sex? It's a feeling I can conjure up at any second if I let myself...that really sucks! Well, at least I know I don't have to feel that way any more and it's good that way! You're right Roger, it's a whole different thing!!!! Thank god!

I wonder how many guys have had the sex panic thing, not the full blown panic attack, now that's something quite different I think, but maybe not...anyway just all panicked up while the abuse was taking place and always trying to recreate that feeling thereafter in one way or another.


sono



Edited by sono (09/30/09 07:23 AM)
Edit Reason: clarification
_________________________
the family
the perp

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#304715 - 09/30/09 09:05 AM Re: Invisible person in my bedroom [Re: sono]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
the 12-15 year old 'i' never panicked during sex with my brother. but all other experiences that were not with him were full of anxiety. this feels like a place i really don't want to go.....but i am going to have to at some point. probably very soon.....

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#304720 - 09/30/09 11:03 AM Re: Invisible person in my bedroom [Re: Sans Logos]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
I am sorry Ron. I know that feeling all to well. (((((Ron))))

Roger


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#304734 - 09/30/09 12:37 PM Re: Invisible person in my bedroom [Re: Freedom49]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
thanks friend,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#305050 - 10/03/09 01:50 PM Re: Invisible person in my bedroom [Re: Sans Logos]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
I don't want to veer off topic but the OP reminds me:

It is still amazing to me that I never picked up on the amount of anxiety my husband had in the bedroom. I always thought it was just sexual energy/nervousness.
In reality, He was so scared of not pleasing me that he was fearful. This is because when he didn't please his abuser he was then....I don't know how to say it.....he was tortured/punished...essentially- bad things happened.

That seems to be better now that we are both aware of it.


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#305055 - 10/03/09 02:01 PM Re: Invisible person in my bedroom [Re: sugarbaby]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Sugarbaby,

Too me at times sex can just be a perforance to make sure that my patners is happy. Sometimes it as if I am outside of myself watching things unfold and not really an active patner mentally.
As if the I separate into two people the physical one and the mental (emotions)one.

Interesting, come to think about it i do this splting thing alot.

mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#305818 - 10/09/09 09:29 PM Re: Invisible person in my bedroom [Re: michael banks]
James Landrith Offline


Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 40
Loc: Alexandria, VA, USA
Originally Posted By: michael banks
Sugarbaby,

Too me at times sex can just be a perforance to make sure that my patners is happy. Sometimes it as if I am outside of myself watching things unfold and not really an active patner mentally.
As if the I separate into two people the physical one and the mental (emotions)one.

Interesting, come to think about it i do this splting thing alot.

mike


Mike,

I feel like you just got inside my head and put my own thoughts on the page. For years, I've just submissively "given it up" when asked/demanded to do so. I am not really present mentally and normally I stop when she orgasms.

I just don't want it myself but the guilt trips, whining and accusations of infidelity wear you down...

_________________________
Member of RAINN Speakers Bureau and syndicated blogger
Good Men Project author
Vice President, Men Recovering from Military Sexual Trauma
http://jameslandrith.com

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#305836 - 10/09/09 10:38 PM Re: Invisible person in my bedroom [Re: James Landrith]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
Freedom,

I know all to well, the connections I have between my past and present day intimacy.

The only thing, that I have half way figured out (what works for me) is to try and stay focused on the journey.

The alter focused (and forced) on the goal...Somethings, cannot be changed (I cannot unbreak the vase)...but I can adjust the view (on how I perceive things).


Magic Power (Triumph)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#306028 - 10/11/09 06:56 PM Re: Invisible person in my bedroom [Re: 1islandboy]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
Michael B, you took the words out of my mouths too.
I feel as I am a bystander during sex and there events are unfolding around me as i just let them happen and become very passive. Things begin to feel unreal, like I am watching a movie of myself with the person as opposed actually being mentally present. It seems like I am split into an automation where I robotically go though the motion while trying to feel as little as possible, That or I go into what sono described a sort of high anxiety panic mode and everything feels too intense. I used to do the panic thing and then I "created" The robot persona which made sex much easier to do without all of the fear attached to it. Funny enough, sex to me was not about enjoyment, and never was, it was about fulfilling that part of the role of the contract in a relationship, something that must be accomplished for me to have some one stay with me and this is worth the price to have somebody there for me frown . This is sad to think about, but I guess it needs to be addressed. The problem is I don't know how to cure it or begin to get help with it, I was thinking about maybe going to see a sexual Therapist, and I have spoke briefly to my Therapist about doing that and he said that maybe something to consider.

As of now I don't consider sex with somebody an enjoyable act but rather a necessity to satisfy a partner and keep her happy. Thinking about myself as a non-sexually person pains me because I view it as a major flaw to my masculinity. It is as if I am lead to believe that all (normal) guys have frequent sex and are virtual Casanova's in the bedroom and therefor to qualify as a Real Man, I should/must be like that too, and I know that I am defiantly NOT like that!

Good topic and thank for letting me share my thoughts.
This is something that I have not been facing and an issue that really need to be addressed and faced!

Logan





Edited by Logan (10/11/09 07:00 PM)
_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#306057 - 10/11/09 11:06 PM Re: Invisible person in my bedroom [Re: Logan]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Logan,
One of the things that has helped me was as my T put it to "re sexualize" myself. Instead of dissociating or numbing out and just performing I tried to engage my then wife with some kind of pillow talk. Compliments, direction, feed back on how it feels to me what she is doing. In other words focusing on her and making eye contact and concentrating on her with everything I have in order to stay present. I also let her know what I was doing and why so she would not freak out because I was acting different. The first time was awkward but the second time was actually fun. So much so that I felt kind of awed and weird afterward. LOL. Of course that was before the "incident" and after that it was toast on the sex. I did get the feeling that It would have worked though.

R


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#306432 - 10/14/09 11:02 AM Re: Invisible person in my bedroom [Re: sugarbaby]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
I chatted at length with my husband about this and realized soemthing rather surprising. He is quite a hottie so back in the day he had a lot of female attention. A good amount of that was the fast moving type - so on a 1st/2nd date he'd be getting groped pretty well and it actually caused him to be impotent becuase the rush factor reminded him of his abuser.
He had mentioned performance problems....maybe 2 times in the last 17 years and well, I never experienced that with him so I never realized how often he had had problems. .....and how frustrated and shameful he had felt about it.
Now the reason he never had an issue with me was that we dated heavily for over 3 months before anything that could be considered sexual happened. He had plenty of time to trust me.
BUT, then he was put into a new position where everything worked physically every time but new problems arised....such as being nervous about pleasing me.
This whole thread has been very eye opening.


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