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#3038 - 08/30/02 01:32 AM here goes everything
Harry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/09/01
Posts: 118
Loc: California
well well well
hereiam back at school. back afterasemesteroff. thesemesteroff wasawaste oftime. i tookit off to get my head streightrened out but it never happenned. god knows why i came back here. nowi'm back at my first week at schoolinLA and I never imagined I'd burn out so quickly. It's thursday, I'm drunk, I didnt goto worki or any of my classes today. I'm at the same place I was a year ago. I'm gonna quit all my classes tomorrow and go home. Fuck all this. I can't get by. I'mgoing home again. Don';t know what I'll do there. Dont know why I came back here. I just want to go check into a mental hospitaland sleep for years. I can't handle life right now. I've fucked up my life far too much and I'mcashing in my chips. I've cut m,yself a few times toinight. Myblood excites me. Better than jumpinoff the top of my buiolding though right? I'm not up for anyone's advice. Tell me I should end jit. Tell mer I should stop fuckingaround and be done with this shit. I'm going home for the last time
If it doesnt fix me this time I'm ending it.
There's nohope for me.
Fate isa bitch.
Fate....
It'sallover.

EVERY PERSONONTHISPLANET SHOULD WANTTOKILL ME. I DESERVE TODIEFORMY THOUGHTS. I AM AN ABOMINATION OF THIS CRUEL UNIVERSE. IDESERVE THE MOST PAINFUL DEATH IMAGINABLE. I AM NOT HUMAN. I AM AMONSTER. I AM AMISTAKE. I AM WHAT GOD IS FIGHTING AGAINST. I AM EVIL. GOD STRIKE ME DOWNN NOW IF YOU HAVE ANY MERCY.

i'm so sorry mom. i'm so sorry dad.
i didn;t wantto this shame.
i didnt want to bethe shit of the universe.
i'm sorry

but don't forgive me.
i dont deserve redemption.
hate me. everyone. hate me.
kill me.
everyone.
pleasekill me.

_________________________
In the name of the Anger, and of the Sadness, and of the Unholy Fear. Amen.

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#3039 - 08/30/02 01:39 AM Re: here goes everything
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
Go to fucking bed! Sleep it off. Get past the fucked up wave that's hit you because that is all it is. IT WILL PASS. I have spent so many drunken hours riding these waves, begging for a violent end, for debasement. It's like a hideous itch you wanna scratch. Scratch that itch, Harry, and the evil wins. That's a simple fact. Don't let the evil win. Laugh in its face. Shit, a fucking sea slug has worth and deserves to live with dignity and pride. Fuck the evil.
Please ride the wave through.

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#3040 - 08/30/02 07:51 PM Re: here goes everything
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Harry
find your support, you've found us and posted, get a bit sober and check in with your therapist, your doctor or whoever you get support from.

If the job screws you that bad go sick, get a sick note. Look after yourself Harry.

John mentions you have a family, love them and get support from that love.

Come back and talk to us Harry.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#3041 - 08/30/02 07:53 PM Re: here goes everything
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
SoCalJohn

Private message.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#3042 - 08/30/02 08:52 PM Re: here goes everything
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
John,

Call me. Dont argue,, just call me, ok? you have support, its ok to reach out,, just do it.

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#3043 - 08/31/02 06:58 PM Re: here goes everything
angry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/13/02
Posts: 23
Harry,

What you are saying sounds like what Jesus cried out when he was on the cross. That is how I feel a lot. I was just telling ny wife that last night.
Jesus was said a quote from psalm 22. Hang in there, he will heal the wounds.

Psalm 22
[1] My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?
Why art thou so far from helping me, from the words of my groaning?
[2] O my God, I cry by day, but thou dost not answer; and by night, but find no rest.
[3] Yet thou art holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel.
[4] In thee our fathers trusted; they trusted, and thou didst deliver them.
[5] To thee they cried, and were saved; in thee they trusted, and were not disappointed.
[6] But I am a worm, and no man; scorned by men, and despised by the people.
[7] All who see me mock at me, they make mouths at me, they wag their heads;
[8] "He committed his cause to the LORD; let him deliver him, let him rescue him, for he delights in him!"
[9] Yet thou art he who took me from the womb;
thou didst keep me safe upon my mother's breasts.
[10] Upon thee was I cast from my birth, and since my mother bore me thou hast been my God.
[11] Be not far from me, for trouble is near
and there is none to help.
[12] Many bulls encompass me, strong bulls of Bashan surround me;
[13] they open wide their mouths at me, like a ravening and roaring lion.
[14] I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint; my heart is like wax, it is melted within my breast;
[15] my strength is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue cleaves to my jaws; thou dost lay me in the dust of death.
[16] Yea, dogs are round about me; a company of evildoers encircle me; they have pierced my hands and feet --
[17] I can count all my bones -- they stare and gloat over me;
[18] they divide my garments among them, and for my raiment they cast lots.
[19] But thou, O LORD, be not far off! O thou my help, hasten to my aid!
[20] Deliver my soul from the sword, my life from the power of the dog!
[21] Save me from the mouth of the lion, my afflicted soul from the horns of the wild oxen!
[22] I will tell of thy name to my brethren;
in the midst of the congregation I will praise thee:
[23] You who fear the LORD, praise him! all you sons of Jacob, glorify him, and stand in awe of him, all you sons of Israel!
[24] For he has not despised or abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; and he has not hid his face from him, but has heard, when he cried to him.
[25] From thee comes my praise in the great congregation; my vows I will pay before those who fear him.
[26] The afflicted shall eat and be satisfied;
those who seek him shall praise the LORD! May your hearts live for ever!
[27] All the ends of the earth shall remember
and turn to the LORD; and all the families of the nations shall worship before him.
[28] For dominion belongs to the LORD, and he rules over the nations.
[29] Yea, to him shall all the proud of the earth bow down; before him shall bow all who go down to the dust, and he who cannot keep himself alive.
[30] Posterity shall serve him; men shall tell of the Lord to the coming generation,
[31] and proclaim his deliverance to a people yet unborn, that he has wrought it.


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#3044 - 09/01/02 06:51 AM Re: here goes everything
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
Harry, please dont hurt yourself. I dont want to watch another one of us die or end up in the hospital. Get some help man, pick up the phone, dont give up.

Everybody here wants you to make it through this, we want you to stick around.


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#3045 - 09/01/02 10:45 AM Re: here goes everything
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Harry,

First off, I apologize but I don't know your exact background here. I will say though that perhaps we have some similarities. Aside from being abused, I too am a student, and I too have fucked up majorly.

In the past few months, I had done things that in retrospect, I have regretted a great deal--experimenting with things, sleeping around with random guys, one who was even married. While there was no threat to my health per se (safe, didn't really do THAT much, VERY selective, etc.,), I have realized more and more that I was falling quickly into a spiral--perhaps the same that you are getting into.

After reading some posts on here, however, I think I am coming to terms with some of my issues and am realizing why it is that I engaged in destructive behavior. Yes, part of it was just experimentation with guys (since I've only been used to girls and still am in the "straight scene"), but a lot of it was a need for empathy. I am not here to get all emotional and stuff, but I think I've realized that bottom line for abused is perhaps really that: the need for empathy.

Whatever "addiction" we get into whether its sex, drugs, or alcohol is perhaps an outlet for that. Sometimes it just allows us to escape reality and sometimes it allows us to bond with those who are there for sex, drugs, or alcohol. One thing I've realized though is that many times, these aren't genuine bonds. They can be very superficial, and in the case of the abused, what we are sometimes looking for is other people in our exact spots...i.e. abused persons who are our age with our personalities and similar problems.

At least, that's what I've found for me, and perhaps (again, I don't know you THAT well), that is the same for you. If it is, well the sooner you realize that then the sooner you may be able to get your problems/addictions in control because you know the bottom line of what it is you truly want.

Seriously, ask yourself that...what amidst all this despair is it that you truly want from life? It seems to me (and I think this applies to ALL persons not just abused) is someone with whom you can empathize...someone you can trust (something especially crucial for us as abused persons who many times were taken advantage of by those whom we trusted). Anyway, it's just a thought. Think about it, and good luck with everything and hang in there...you've been through so much and survived thus far, don't give up now. Later.


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#3046 - 09/01/02 04:22 PM Re: here goes everything
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
John, John, John

I can imagine that coming back to school was a very scary & lonely thing to do. You were isolated this Summer and you sound isolated now that you are back in LA. And yet, you reached out this Summer, you sought some connection and a part of you wanted help. Reaching out is scary, especially if it didn’t work in the past. But you know that there is safe help out there.

Man, you are in LA – there are lots of resources and there are brothers that will help you find safe and experienced help. Only you can do this for yourself. You can do this. You so much deserve healing.

Your brothers in recovery are with you. You are not alone and will never have to be alone again in the pain and isolation of your symptoms of abuse. And they ARE symptoms, not who you are. Reach out, my brother………
…..t

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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#3047 - 09/03/02 10:29 PM Re: here goes everything
Harry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/09/01
Posts: 118
Loc: California
hey hey hey
look who's back and sober!
I apologize if I triggered anyone with that first post.
Uh, let's see... what to say what to say...
Turns out i needed stitches for my leg due to my stupid drunk behavior. Everything is healing nicely. I've quit my jobs and my classes and I just have to pack up and drive home now. I still want to see some people before I go back though.

Thank you very much to everyone who replied. You guys are all awesome. I want to shake all your hands.

- John

_________________________
In the name of the Anger, and of the Sadness, and of the Unholy Fear. Amen.

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