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#303114 - 09/17/09 06:27 PM feelings...triggers
TGIK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/11/09
Posts: 72
Loc: NY,NY 10011
....




Edited by TGIK (06/02/10 11:17 AM)

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#303145 - 09/17/09 10:07 PM Re: feelings...triggers [Re: TGIK]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
I want to ask if it is ok that I am here. Instead, I am just going to tell myself that it is ok.


tgik,

yes you belong here, and i am glad you found us, and that you are making use of the site by contributing.

i just read somewhere here recently, can't remember quite where, where someone wrote [maybe doug/jaifian/blueshift?] that the mind is a very dangerous and scary place, and you should never go in there alone.

that may apply in your case, since you are at the beginning of your recovery. do you have a therapist or a counselor to speak with about these new realizations you are having? it will make all the difference in the world. i pray you would not try to process them without some seasoned guidance on the matter. at any rate, keep posting here, and getting out the memories. better out than in.

keep talking brother, it will help in the long run, and don't forget, we're here 24/7 as you need us.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#303184 - 09/18/09 10:10 AM Re: feelings...triggers [Re: Sans Logos]
TGIK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/11/09
Posts: 72
Loc: NY,NY 10011
Hi Ron,

I really appreciate your concern and nice note. To be honest, I cant really think of much else (except for the guy who triggered all of this), so I have been a little at its mercy. I have been reading tons of posts on here trying to find similar experiences to help me process some of it. Right now, I am pretty much in a fact finding place. Not much is being processed, I am sure of that. I feel like I have been crying all day, but have not shed a tear kind of place. My face feels worn and heavy.

I also went through the list of Ts listed on here and sent out some emails for appointments. My first is today at 5pm. Of course this is a first meeting, so who knows. I have another appointment on monday with another. I have had a lot of therapy with none of them probing me about this stuff, so I am reticent to start anew, but at least giving it a go. I am hoping one of them strikes me as a good T. since these are initial sessions and I am looking around, not sure how quickly I can get settled in with one. I did send them both one of my blogs (the one I deleted) so they have a fair amount of info with me coming in (or course having done that, I felt completely weird. Why did I do that?)

So I guess I am winging this. probably not a great strategy. It has made my dreams uncomfortable. Probably because I am dreading reliving things I either wanted to forget and never remember again. Unfortunately, apparently the body or the subconscious doesn't play that way, which brings me back to here.

TGIK


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#303189 - 09/18/09 11:06 AM Re: feelings...triggers [Re: TGIK]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hey TGIK,

Good luck with those sessions with possible T's!!! I just started therapy a few weeks ago and it's been amazing and revelatory already. I sincerely hope one of them works out for you.

To the stuff you're talking about here and in your first posting to which I responded, since we're here in our informal non commitment based group therapy here at MS, I thought I would ask if you could put under one hat, or sentence or one thought , whatever what it is that is bothering you the most about that time for you? I sure don't wanna pry but there seems to be a thread you're following, a thought you're circling around but I for one am not quite sure what it is...I can sure imagine many things that would be upsetting about all of that (boy that is an understatement) but it's easy to read someone's post and project your own feelings about your own situation onto that post and I don't wanna do that. But since we had MANY of the same experiences as teens I thought it might be interesting to exchange thoughts, but since I"m not sure where you're "at" with it all really I didn't want to jump in there. Since you're not a member you can't read my fuller story, but the first link below should give some kind of a picture.

good luck,

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#303212 - 09/18/09 03:28 PM Re: feelings...triggers [Re: sono]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
i can confirm what sono is suggesting about narrowing things down to the one common thread that has been 'bothering you' for so long. that's how my therapist, kay, attracted me to her, because of a bio statement i read; i mentioned it in my 'sans logos says....' post:

Quote:
“Have you been worried about the same issue for a long time or are you carrying a grief too heavy to bear?"


hearing those words was like hearing my own mother put her arm around me and say everything is gonna be alright [something she would NEVER do, by the way, for whatever reason...., yet something i really need.....oh well, i don't care whose face 'my mother' shows up wearing, as long as the heart behind it is compassionate and the intention is to help and heal]

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#303232 - 09/18/09 06:59 PM Re: feelings...triggers [Re: Sans Logos]
TGIK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/11/09
Posts: 72
Loc: NY,NY 10011
Hi Sono and Sans,

Productive day. Saw the therapist. Nice guy. Tried not to jump into quick. Surprisingly feel a little better post session. Have another T on Monday for try out too. Today's T seemed nice and kind which I liked. He also was fairly wise in a couple of things he said, especially in asking what I would think of an 15 years old I know now (a good friend's son for example) and how I would react to know if he were sleeping with a 28 year old man. It put some things in perspective. Certainly would not want him doing that.

I became a member today too.

As far as your question Sono. I think the thing that has been hovering over me is that I let them abuse me. Even when it hurt, I never once questioned it. I think something disconnected inside me.

tgik


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#303236 - 09/18/09 07:22 PM Re: feelings...triggers [Re: TGIK]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
dude, you get the dancing guy for that!



_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#303269 - 09/19/09 03:01 AM Re: feelings...triggers [Re: Sans Logos]
ava_adore Offline


Registered: 02/03/09
Posts: 11
Loc: London UK
Hi TGIK,

Well done in taking these first steps. Don't give up, no matter how hard it gets. I have made my first few stumbling steps over the past few months and the guys on this site have been there all the way for me, as I'm sure they will you.

So much you said resonates with my own feelings and experiences I can't even begin to describe. I was the same age as you when it happened, in much the same circumstances. I too thought it was ok, that I was ok and could deal with it. I too inexplicably returned to my abuser. I am also haunted by the disconnection i felt, that I allowed it to happen. Some day, when I tell my own story I hope I'll make as much sense as you just have.

Glad to hear the therapy session has gone well, it can be a daunting experience. Stick with it and I'm sure things will soon seem brighter for you.

Ava


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#303366 - 09/20/09 08:03 AM Re: feelings...triggers [Re: ava_adore]
XAV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 3
Loc: Ga
My God!! this sounds like you are reading either my mind or bio. But since my abuse started when I was 3 till 17 after a while the only recourse I had was not to be there. DO you understand that. Ht me back when you will be on and we can chat. It might help us both.

_________________________
ridding the waves of life witout drowning

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