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#303030 - 09/16/09 10:06 PM Re: Need advice and insight [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Pisces Offline


Registered: 07/06/09
Posts: 25
Loc: California
I have been following this thread all day and have wanted to post something but was timid due to being too harsh during your time of shock, sorrow, anger etc Confused GF. I am sorry for what you (and your BF) are going through and yes, as others mirror you will find support and stregnth here.

However, there are several issues you illustrate and sadly none that can be solved overnight. But, I must follow behind Ken's lead and remind you that possession and distribution of child pornography is a serious crime. These are children who are not of the legal age to consent to sex, let alone it being filmed and streamed to adults. Often many are forced into child prostitution/pornography through being run aways, drugs, irresponsible caregivers or human trafficking.

I am not minimizing your BFs past or his trauma and I am empathetic to what he has endured in life. However, this abuse does not excuse his possesion, viewing etc of child pornography. Those children are victims too.


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#303036 - 09/16/09 10:37 PM Re: Need advice and insight [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
ConfusedGF Offline


Registered: 09/16/09
Posts: 12
Well I am feeling much more positive about this now. After getting home from work and talking with each other I think we can work on this. And just to let you know Ken nothing is stored on his hard drive, not that I am even worried about that. Really the extent of it is pretty limited. Anyway back to the progress we've made. We both talked about how our day went and what we have both learned about this. He and I have both learned alot. And he is very willing to get help and get to the bottom of this. He actually happened across this forum just as I have. Anyway we will see how things go. First things first need to find a good therapist.


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#303038 - 09/16/09 10:48 PM Re: Need advice and insight [Re: ConfusedGF]
ConfusedGF Offline


Registered: 09/16/09
Posts: 12
Oh geez you guys think I don't realize how horrible this is of course I do. I spent all of last night screaming at him some if those exact words Pisces. What I am trying to figure out and understand is if it can be helped. This Is not something he was doing on a regular basis or trafficiing in anyway so I am not afraid of reprocussions by the law unless I turn him in. Which of course I have considered. I don't think I have in any way shown myself as someone who was not farmiliar with th seriousness of this issue so thanks for trying to help but that's not really what I needed. Anyway wish us luck with finding a therapist. I am really scared to even give him this chance but from what I have learned so far it might work out.


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#303053 - 09/17/09 12:56 AM Re: Need advice and insight [Re: ConfusedGF]
Pisces Offline


Registered: 07/06/09
Posts: 25
Loc: California
Glad to hear that you guys had a good talk and were able to communicate. I wish you both the best of luck. MS has been a great source of comfort, education and "normalizing" for me. Stay around and Im sure youll find the same.


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#303087 - 09/17/09 11:23 AM Re: Need advice and insight [Re: Pisces]
ConfusedGF Offline


Registered: 09/16/09
Posts: 12
Yes "normalizing" has been an amazing tool through this website, knowing that their are other people going through similar situations gives me hope yet not finding someone in this same situation is scary. Makes me wonder if it can be helped at all.
So If course I broke down again last night after finding hope. Just can't help but think about how horrible it is and that maybe their is no hope. Told him I hated him and loved him and was confused and scared. Then of course because he really is a good person he reassures me. He told me "I really believe I can get better. And if I ever feel like I can't I promise I will tell you". Which of course made me feel better but then I start thinking wouldn't he do the exact same thing if he wern't sencere, to protect himself. And this is how it is with me I can never take things at face value always have to question. And he know this because he knows me and I know him and he tells me he knows how hard this is for me which I believe he does. He told me I have already helped him so much just in making him look back at his past and starting to confront what happened to him. So I feel good again then not. This is a very hard place to be, confused all the time and having your only outlet be a message board. But atleast I have this for now, it has helped out alot. Just being able to rant and vent a little makes it better and the help that those of you have offered is amazing. Never thought I would feel so accepted.
Another thing he was telling me last night was about a relationship he had in high school that hurt him pretty bad. My first response was geez who cares dumb high school drama. But then I realized it was a much bigger deal to him because of his past. Prior to it I guess he would tell people and himself that he had a girlfriend out in X state ( back where he was molested) so he was trying to convince himslef that what happened to him was ok because that was his gf. Then he meets a real girl in high school is is like wow this is real not fake anymore,then of course it ended badly and he was really hurt. I feel like I am to insensitive like I just don't get it I just don't see why he couldn't just get over it. I guess I have alot to learn about what the victims of these things go through.


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#303098 - 09/17/09 03:34 PM Re: Need advice and insight [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Zinnia Offline


Registered: 06/02/09
Posts: 8
Loc: USA
Dear ConfusedGF,

First I am very sorry that you are going through this. I can relate to what you are feeling right now, though my situation with my boyfriend was different - I found his emails with prostitutes.

My advice to you is to stop, slow down for a minute and breathe. This happened yesterday. You are in shock. I know how that feels. You have no idea what to think or where to turn. Everything you thought you could count on is upside down. All of you hopes, dreams, plans - and everything you thought you knew about your boyfriend is in question. You have spent 6 years loving this person and you thought you knew him better than this.

Before you think about supporting your boyfriend, you need to think about your own well being. I know that sounds harsh - but you must take care of yourself first. I commend you for reaching the conclusion so quickly that you should find a therapist. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to my own therapist and the support she has given me in helping me sort out my own feelings and thoughts. I trust her, she is on my side and I can share the ugly truth with her without feeling ashamed - her job is to support and help me. In the next days, weeks and months you are going to go through a lot of emotions and confusion and you will need someone to count on, someone to help you sort things out. Please make an appointment to speak with someone as soon as you can.

What I write next is going to sound very harsh - but you owe it to yourself to put everything you think you know in context.
Despite everything that you are confused about - the first thing that you know is that your boyfriend has been lying to you and concealing a very ugly truth from you for 6 years. No matter what he tells you now - you already know that is true beyond any shadow of doubt. Please take a minute to think about that.

Your boyfriend has every incentive to continue to lie - to minimize what he is doing and what he has done, to make excuses and to give justifications. He is desperate. What incentive does he have to tell you the truth? He has been lying for a long time, it is a deeply ingrained part of his interaction with you. His primary motivation is self-preservation - he does not want to lose you, he never wanted you to find out about his use of child porn, he does not want to be arrested.

Take a hard look at what you want to believe and why. You love him and you don't want to lose him. You don't want to lose the life you have built and the dreams you have. You want to believe that he has only done this a few times, that this is not something he obsesses about or fantasizes about or does regularly or has considered doing directly to a little girl. Do you want to believe that the truth is worse? I can't imagine that you do. Yesterday he wanted you to believe that he could stop with the use of books or online tools - and you really wanted to believe that. If it were that easy and he wanted to stop, he would have already - or at least he would already be seeing a therapist.

If this were happening to someone else - your sister, your mother or best friend and she was telling you this - would you be so easy to believe that she knew everything now just because she caught him once? Right now your rational mind will do anything and everything to try to help you minimize this, to try to make the shock less. This is completely normal - but don't give in to the need to lessen this. Please accept the fact that no matter how desperately you want to cling to this hope, you do not yet know the complete truth.

You have posted that you know he does not have any images stored somewhere. Please ask yourself how you know this. Because he told you this? Because you want to believe this? Would you really be surprised to learn that he was hiding images from you? He has proven that he is capable of hiding pretty big secrets. If he had these images saved he would tell you now? How would that help him? I am not saying that your boyfriend is lying about this specifically. I am only urging you not to be so eager to believe that he is telling you the truth.

I would also urge you not to be involved in giving him advice on how to protect himself from the law or destroy images. You found him looking at child porn - that is a federal crime. There is a reason that the mandatory sentence is 6-8 years in prison. Many people would argue that sentence is not long enough for destroying the lives of children. There are countless men who have posted their stories here whose abusers photographed them. You do not have to read many stories to feel the pain that they have endured and continue to face every day. Do not involve yourself in protecting him from possible consequences - you become an accessory and could face criminal consequences. Not to mention the fact that you might have to live with your own feelings of guilt for being involved in protecting someone who was part of harming a child.

You have already said that you were horrified and disgusted at the images. Every image is a moment in a child's life that cannot be taken back. People who abuse children and document the abuse with film or video and then disseminate these images do so because there is demand for them. Those children were abused because there are people like your boyfriend who are interested in watching. Perhaps your boyfriend does not pay for his images - but there is a very real possibility that he does. Please ask yourself how you are so sure that he doesn't? Because the man you love wouldn't do that? He has already crossed lines that you could never imagine that the man you love and trust would cross. I've been there. That is an ugly truth that I deal with every day.

If you discovered that the person molesting these girls was him or herself molested, would that make you feel any less disgusted about their actions? Would that make the damage to these girls any less? Your boyfriend has said that he was abused. That is horrible - he did not deserve to be abused. But abuse that happened to him as a child - when he was not at fault - is no excuse or justification for his adult actions.

I also urge you to think about the girls in the images you saw. Each one is somebody's daughter, somebody's sister. You have no way of knowing who is molesting them - if they are being coerced or held captive. They do not deserve what is happening to them. You have no way of knowing if what you saw is going on right now as I type this. There have been documented cases where law enforcement has taken images and pulled out details that have allowed them to rescue children from abusive situations and bring their perpetrators to justice. I am not telling you to go to the police - but I do urge you to think about all of the consequences of your actions or inactions.

There are more victims here than just your boyfriend. Do you think that he has ever thought about them and what they are going through? - he says he has experienced his own abuse too - but he doesn't seem to empathize with them - he enjoys watching their abuse happen. That is a very ugly truth.

You have caught your boyfriend and now some of his truth is out. It is very possible that this is a turning point in his life, that he will now seek help, that he will now try to change. I sincerely hope that is the case - for you as much as for him. You can't make him seek help and you can't make him change. It is equally possible that he will not change. You love him and you desperately hope. I know how that feels too and my heart breaks for you.

The turmoil you are feeling must feel overwhelming. I'm sorry if much of what I have posted seems harsh. This is a nightmare that you didn't ask for and you didn't cause. Please find a therapist to help you focus on your needs. It does get better and you will get through this.

Be well,
Zinnia


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#303101 - 09/17/09 04:13 PM Re: Need advice and insight [Re: Zinnia]
ConfusedGF Offline


Registered: 09/16/09
Posts: 12
Thankypu Zinnia I really needed to hear alot of that, not that I wasn't already thinking it but it helps you know to be reassured about how I feel. And don't worry about me getting involved with what's on his computer or what he's doing with it now because I am not and will not have anything to do with it.
With the help of your post I have come to another decossion that I really should of come to before I can't force him to get help. The ball is in his court now. But what do I do during this transition period. Before he finds a therapist should I stay with him? Should we keep talking about it and work on things together while he's looking for someone to talk to? Blah I hate this I hate my life it's all ruined.


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#303102 - 09/17/09 04:18 PM Re: Need advice and insight [Re: ConfusedGF]
ConfusedGF Offline


Registered: 09/16/09
Posts: 12
Should I be asking him questions about this? Should I be digging deeper to find put how involved he is in this. I haven't thought about how much he could be lying to me until now so what should I do? I am pretty good with computers so I just figured I would know. He just happened to have visited a website didn't log out and I looked back in the Internet history and found what he had looked at. I think I would of ran into something previously if their was more. But I could be wrong, it wouldn't be supprising if I were.


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#303103 - 09/17/09 04:27 PM Re: Need advice and insight [Re: ConfusedGF]
Blueskiesman Offline


Registered: 09/17/09
Posts: 2
I can relate to what happened to your bf totally. I was molested, often violently, from the ages of 10 - 14 on a very regular basis by my brother who was 4 years older than me. 39 years later I am still dealing with this issue because I never told anyone nor accepted the fact that I was a victim. I haven't read any of the other responses but I was arrested for doing just what your bf did and now am getting the therapy and assistance I needed so desperately, but never thought I needed. It is helping me to understand how horribly the molestation effected my life and how I viewed sex. It has made such a difference in how I feel about myself. Direct him towards professional help and make sure it is someone who is trained in this area. He is not a bad person; he is a victim who needs help.


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#303104 - 09/17/09 04:48 PM Re: Need advice and insight [Re: Blueskiesman]
ConfusedGF Offline


Registered: 09/16/09
Posts: 12
How do I know if the person is trained in this? Blueskies do you really think that you are getting help and things are being resolved? Everything is so back and forth right now, it's hard to believe it's only been less then 48hrs. I have never been in this much confusion in such a short amount of time. I wish I could just go crazy or something and be done with it. Is that even how crazy works? I would probably just be constant turmoil crazy and it wouldn't be any better. Sorry I am just trying to m


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