I like to wash in hot water and I hate phonecalls.
One morning there was no hot water in my bathroom. There is a gas fired water heater in my kitchen: the pilot light was out. I tried to re-light it but I was unsuccessful. I remembered that the last time the water heater was serviced (just a few months ago) the engineer had spent most of his time trying to relight the pilot light. I had to face the scary fact, I would have to make contact with the outside world and ask for help from strangers. The machine is rented, maintenance service included, it won't cost extra to have it fixed. But I would have to call. I sat around rather more depressed and crying occaisionally and fruitlessly trying to get the thing to burn - for a week.
But this morning I found enough strength to make the calls. I had to speak to two people. One gave me a telephone number, the other gave me an appointment. Tomorrow afternoon a gas engineer should visit my home! Soon perhaps I can have hot water again!
I'm proud of myself. I made those calls KNOWING that I was going to find it difficult, but also KNOWING that it probably wouldn't be as difficult as I might feel. I KNEW I could probably cope with the tasks, even though I might not feel like it.
On the phone today I didn't have an argument, I didn't make myself stupid. When I got a real doubt in my mind about what had just been said to me, I asked about it instead of assuming I AM WRONG. My uncertainty was taken away, because I when asked a straight question I got a straight answer! Nobody hurt me today because I asked a question or asked for help!
I have a fear of conflicts and all my life I do anything possible to avoid one. That makes a telephone call an emotional minefield for me for three decades. PAnIC ATtACkS, angry outbursts, and deep confusions about what is going on who I am etc etc.
I now KNOW I was severely abused by my parent for my entire childhood which I feel has effectively destroyed any chance for me to experience a healthy human life. The rest of my life, just like my life up until today, will be dominated by what was done to me in the abominable cesspool my family home. At least the future won't include 40 years of ignorance. I will never forget.
But today I had one more small triumph over one tiny normal daily life fear. One tiny fear = one week of cold water. If you read it - thanks.