"Sorry" does not mean jack shit unless it is followed up by committed action to repair the damage & refrain from doing it again in the future. Before I got into recovery from alcoholism, I used to say "sorry" all the damned time - I *thought* I meant it when I said it, but then I'd just go to the same shit all over again. Eventually, my apologies meant nothing to anyone.

Because of my SA, I have for most of my life thought *I* was evil, and that has caused huge amounts of damage. When I truly placed it where it belonged was when I started recovering from SA. I am NOT an "evil abomination", I am a SURVIVOR of evil perpetrated by someone else.

My perp didn't try to destroy me, but I guess I'm lucky - so many of your stories prove to me that MANY perps were DELIBERATE in their attempts to destroy. Regardless, the OUTCOME was indeed destruction, and THEY are to blame.

To me, the whole issue is about the TRUTH of what happened. It is a LIE that I did anything to invite, deserve or promote the SA and it is the TRUTH that he is to blame and that I have been permanently harmed by what he so casually did.

Righteous anger is INDEED healing.

I am a man, filled with the pure spiritual power of Manhood, in defense of the helpless little boy I was 37 years ago. As such, I am ANGRY and believe that such anger is a spiritual gift.

The Innocence I had 37 years ago was also a spiritual gift, but casually corrupted. If I can use my Anger to regain some measure of my Innocence, then I will do so with no remorse.

Thanks everyone for your responses - obviously I was right to add the 'trigger warning' on the post title.

Ken I think that you do very valuable work, I am pleased that you put the victims first. If a perpetrator is genuinely sorry, then that could be a positive in reducing the number of future victims.

As I stated, 'my' perpetrator has not in the least indicated that he cares about the damage he has done to my mind over the years. He is in denial of the events & for that reason only, I will be facing him in Crown Court and living out the details in front of an audience. If he cannot admit what he has done, then there is no forgiveness.

My anger now is partly directed at myself for seeing him as some powerful ogre for so much of my life. When I picked him out at the ID parade (although recorded on a DVD), I saw the fear in his eyes and realised what an insignificant excuse of a human being he really is. He is no longer my ogre, I am now his!

I should have reported him years ago & again much of that anger is directed at myself (although I forgave myself shortly after I first arrived here 15 months ago).

I am still angry at him because I have to wait until 25th April for his next appearance in court. At this point he is expected to be forwarded to crown court, because the Magistrates court cannot deal with cases of this type. That will probably be a delay of another 2 months, taking us to June. I made my statement of complaint back in Qctober. If he had admitted it then, this could all be over and I could finally move on (closure). As things stand, it will probably be a year after I made my complaint that I will receive this closure. I tortured myself for 35 years before reporting him & he has added another year to that torture.

Sorry I cannot forgive him.

Best wishes everyone ...Rik

*PS - I may sound as if I'm climbing the walls at present, but I'm not. Most of the time I feel very strong...it's just so frustrating now that I'm ready for this battle & it keeps getting delayed.