I don't know though. I'm kind of embarressed. I"m sorry if I should'n't be, but I just feel like so hot around guys.

II don't know why it hurts so much to be this way

You don't have to me embarrassed Marinan, but it's ok if you are. I might sound confusing and contradictory, but what I'm trying to say is it's ok to feel whatever your feeling right now and go through the motions. These things take time.

Hi Marinan, my fraternal brother,

Please don't ever feel embarassed about who or what you are.

I will accept you for, just being YOU.

Sure it does hurt. I get confused about myself at times.

But, Marinan, little Pete & big Pete will accept YOU, no matter which ever YOU, you choose.

YOU, have our compassion, understanding & love, unconditionally.

" I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity".

Heal well my fraternal brother, heal well.


Little Pete & big Pete..but 1 (Irishmoose).

Marnian,

To me it is just important to accept and allow ourselves to be who we were intented to be. And not what others expect us to be or what we think they expect us to be. To yourself be true.
I will support you no matter what. In your effort to be the real you.

Mike

Marnian:

Yes, you are who you are and I see no problem with that.
But part of the reality for you is that for some reason the possibility is painful.

Part of the pain is the possibility of rejection from those we love most.

I am not "out" for that reason. There are those who can't handle it and for that reason I see no reason to run that gauntlet. Those who need to know, know.

At a christian pastoral seminar I came out to a small group of confidants. The response was varied. Some were shocked, some unconcerned and one who told me in no uncertain terms that God hated homosexuals and that i was going to hell for sure. Of course those attitudes push us back in the closet, but it ain't gonna change who we are. I'm still processing what this all means, not in terms of who i am but how it plays out in society. If it is of any use I'll outline the stages of my journey as it went through my head.

1. I can't be gay. It's just a juvenile phase.
2. I might be gay. But even so I can pretend I'm not.
3. I think I'm gay. Now What?
4. I'm pretty sure I'm gay. What does that really mean?
5. Hmmm. Lots of people are gay. I don't like all I see.
6. If I'm gay do I play? What's the right way to be gay?
7. Ok I'm gay. no doubt. Can I tell anybody?
8. So I'm gay. I really don't want to play. Is that ok?
9. I'm a lot more than gay. Why is that such a big deal?
10. Let's see:I know I'm gay. God knows I'm gay. Who else cares?
11. Unfortunately I work with people who have a thing about ssa.
It's such a drag worrying who might find out.
12. Good grief, it's not like I'm a serial rapist or anything, so why do I worry about who knows I'm gay?
13. If I were straight would I have the same problems? Yep the world is full of hot guys that rev my engine and that gets testy sometimes. But the world is also full of hot chics. Right now I can deal with the way it is. Would I be as successful the other way around?
14. You know, my problem is not about being gay or straight. The real problem I have is about being deathly afraid of any kind of an intimate relationship. What's that all about?

and that puts me where i am now and why I'm part of this website. Trying to gain some insite of how past bad experiences have impacted my thoughts and behavior.

So indeed we walk with you and support you in your life.

Kerberos

Marinan.

Yeah. I am happy for you for recognizing and speaking your own truth.

I say ditto to what is said above.

I would add for me when I first came out I thought in order to be gay I had to do this and do that. Well I missed just being me.

Bravo!!!!!

Peace,
DJ

Marinan,

I have felt this way and was confused and scared, but after talking to someone about it I felt better. I was told that feeling attracted to other guys and acting on those feelings are not the same; if you do not act out sexually with another guy dispite the feelings, then you are not gay. Because I don't know you or your situation this is all I can say at this point. This is a general statement for anyone in your situation.

You don't have to answer this question, but at least think about it. What do you want? If you don't want to be gay, then don't worry about the feelings. If you have been abused, then a lot of this (like my situation) can have something to do with your abuse, especially if you were abused by other males. You might be experiencing a lot of confusion right now. This is all I can say at this time, but don't feel embarassed. A lot of people have and/or are going through this same experience as you. Obviously I am personally going through it and it is agonizing and confusing at times. Believe me.

I hope this helps some.

TW16

Brother Marinan;

Great act of courage on your part. Be true to you. Go with the feelings and see where they lead you... I had years of terror wondering and dealing with SSA in a land of limbo; until I walked full on into my feelings and worked through them in Therapy, 12-step, and fellow CSA/Incest survivors I was tormented. I know now that in the end what matters is walking thru the pain and finding my true self.

Keep on the path, you are loved and accepted by me always.

Wes