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#301762 - 09/05/09 08:05 AM moms
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hey guys,

I started a post a few weeks ago entitled "scary dads" that so many of you answered with amazingly similar stories about abusive alcoholic dads. Interestingly I don't believe most of us were talking about sexually abusive dads per se, that would have been a different kind of scary than what I meant. I perhaps should have left out the scary in the post title, since that implied a direction the post should go.

Today I wanted to ask about mothers...again here, I don't mean mothers who were abusers specifically, although if that's the case please feel free to talk about it. I guess I'm curious about the kinds of mothers whose sons fall victim to CSA. Does one type of mother figure more or less prominently than another?

My mother was, like my dad, an alcoholic. She was also a very big woman...around 5, 11' (my dad couldn't have been taller than 5'8 or 5'9 in his elevator shoes) or so and very heavy. Even in her most incapacitated state she was a dominating presence. Every car ride with her was a brush with death in my mind...probably the opinion of other drivers on the road as well!

In her drunken stupor she would say stuff to me like:

"whatever happened to you, you were such a good baby?"
"I'm gonna have you sent to reform school (something like juvenile prison school) , you behave so badly"
"you're the most hateful child a mother could have"
"you're gonna grow up and be a son of a bitch just like your father"
"I should have had another abortion"

and some of my personal favorites

"come here and let me kiss you" (not meant sexually)
"I love you so much"
"I don't want you to grow up and be all funny" (this she said only once...when she began to notice "that guy" taking an interest in me...this last of course inspired me to use better subterfuge in my stories about where I was going at night, but this only lasted a year as she died when I was 14)

Well I could go on and on like this, but I guess the picture is rather clear. Maybe I'll add more as I think about this...if you're interested there's more probably in pt 1 of my links, but I haven't read it in a week so I'm not quite sure what I wrote exactly about her anymore.

Interested to hear what you guys have to say about mom...

thanks,

sono

p.s. if you've got great things to say, please say those as well a little variety is nice in this topic a think!

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#301775 - 09/05/09 10:46 AM Re: moms [Re: sono]
boylikeme Offline


Registered: 08/10/09
Posts: 546
Loc: hell

my mum is okay.. i guess.. but she doesnt know how to take care of herself or others..

maybe that cuz she had me pretty young, she was 18 n my dad was 26..she ran away with him to England n it took my grandparents 6 years to forgive her.. my dad was really violent but she never had the courage to leave him... then he found out bout her having an affair n he left us..

the affair didnt last, she says its cuz all the men she meets are arseholes. so we moved to Germany where shes from n stayed close to her parents..then she met the new guy n now we are staying with him. she says she really wants this to work n she keeps askin me n my sis not to ruin things for her..

sometimes feels like im the parent

_________________________
Everybody’s screaming - I try to make a sound but no one hears me (Untitled - Simple Plan)

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#301777 - 09/05/09 11:02 AM Re: moms [Re: sono]
Ornias Offline


Registered: 08/13/09
Posts: 310
my mom never hurt me in any physical way, well i don't count the little love taps with a flip flop , but she was pretty much and still is emotional absent? type of person that pretends she sees nothing hears nothing, even to this day she doesn't talk to me, she talks at me , but never to me, not sure if that makes sense , if something goes wrong she says nothing about it but tries to find someone to fix it for her. to me she is a emotionaless robot trying to pretend its human and just hasn't quite figured it out yet.
i don't think she likes me very much, she treats me like her job.

_________________________
its not easy to hide all this damage inside,
and ill carry it w
ith me until i'm not alive.

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#301797 - 09/05/09 12:55 PM Re: moms [Re: Ornias]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Wow! Excellent topic, sono. Thanks,

Mom... Well, my early memories of mom was that she was gentle and sweet. I loved to cuddle in her lap. She taught me all sorts of neat things about the animals and birds, music and art. But something happened. There was lots of anger as I began to get old enough to make little decisions on my own, lots of shaming over things I did that made me a "bad boy."

The anger and the shaming alternated with loves and cuddles and for Little John it was a terrible road to try to negotiate. So many mixed messages. I cried a lot to myself. Spent lots of hours fantasizing about a special world where there were no parents, just children and puppies and the occasional visiting grandmother.

Mom had her own demons to fight. Now that she's gone I'm learning that her father was a violent man and beat her over insignificant things even into her late teens. Life was not easy for her it seems and I honor her for doing as well as she did with us. No, it wasn't perfect. Yeah, I'm sure her method of relating to us left me vulnerable to the unhealthy attentions of neighbor kid and taxi guy. No doubt about it in my mind, but I loved her.

During my teen years she began to change for the better. I'm sure there was an epiphany or two in her life behind those changes. She became one of the sweetest, kindest little old ladies. She was always helping others in her senior housing complex. Taking them food or baked goods, etc.

At times I wish she could have learned those things before I was born, but one cannot go back and change the way things were. We can only change things from this day forward.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#301800 - 09/05/09 01:17 PM Re: moms [Re: WalkingSouth]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
Hey sono,

Sending mixed messages is my mom's forte. Imagine growing up with someone who communicates in a "double bind" fashion. No wonder why I've always struggle with independence. Also, emotionally distant, poor communicator, over-protective, and no life of her own are some more characteristics of my mother. I'd also like to add to this de>
_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#302034 - 09/07/09 11:12 AM Re: moms [Re: Casmir213]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3362
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Mom - it's a word that I wish I could say that it brings up warm, fuzzy feelings in me - but sadly it does'nt

Darth Mother - it's a phrase coined by my friend Andy (Former Texan) - I find a part of me smiling every time I hear him say that - it just fits my mother so much better - because as a child I surely did learn to have an extreme fear of her

as a child growing up my memories are filled with scenes of my mothers anger - she was constantly angry at someone or something - I learned as a very young child to be as quiet and un-noticable as I could possibly be around her - the physical and emmotional abuse broke my spirit and left a hollow shell

I learned to not have friends over to play - no sleepovers - no big birthday parties - mom did'nt want those things...

I grew up a very lonely child - I had only just a handfull of friends that my mother approved of - sadly... my uncle was among that handfull...

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#302039 - 09/07/09 11:35 AM Re: moms [Re: TJ jeff]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11020
Loc: Denver, CO
Well, I'm glad I found this thread. Thank you Jeff for the quote. T'was a moment of inspiration. laugh

My mother should not have had kids, not that I regret living. She came from a broken background of abuse and abandonment. I saw an anti-male streak in her early on. She is one of the reasons I am on this site. I got plenty of mixed messages that drove me right up the wall. And people ask me why I'm not married...

She has three sons. Only one is married, and none of them have kids. Hm...

If I wanted friends in the house, I had to smuggle them in like contraband. Hardly the approach for good socializing. Mom just wouldn't have it.

I will give my mom a little credit. A couple years back she and I talked about some things that happened in childhood, and that was a blessing to be able to bring some stuff up. These days I feel pity towards her, but I do love her as best I can.





Edited by FormerTexan (09/07/09 12:22 PM)
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#302044 - 09/07/09 12:20 PM Re: moms [Re: FormerTexan]
GentleSoul Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 236
Loc: Manhattan
Ahhh mudder... what can I say about thee? My mom is a pretty narcissistic and vainful individual. To me, I was her trophy and validating ticket. She cracked the whip pretty often and only showed the good mother act when there's family or significant people around. We never really connected. To this day she is still somewhat overbearing and treats me like a kid still. But, just like others are finding out, my mom wasn't born this deficient. I'm sure there were a lot of things that molded her this way. I'm sure I can dwell on the debatable negative influences she's had on me; but I'm probably not seeing some things that I've gotten from her that indirectly made me the warrior that I am. Good topic sono.

_________________________
I can finally admit I pretend to say and do nice things so people will think I'm a standout guy.

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#302049 - 09/07/09 01:39 PM Re: moms [Re: GentleSoul]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
I wanted to add my two cents to this topic. Growing up I always felt my mom treated me differently. I felt like my twin brother was given preferential treatment over me. Used to piss me off so much.

One of the many examples is my brother used to get sick as most kids do. He would get spoiled and get to go to KFC, get icecream and just have a fun day off from school.

Well for me I would get sick and my mom would tell me to suck it up and go to school. Always hated that so much. I was envious of my brother.

Another embarrassing moment for me occurred when I was out walking one night around her neighborhood with her dogs. We ran into a neighbor and after my mom was chatting him up, he asked who was with her, she introduced her dogs over me and wouldn't shut up about the dogs. Finally after the neighbor could get a word in he said, no I meant the person with you. I was so embarrassed, pissed off, just fucking angry, I should've walked away but no I was too timid. Thanks Mom, love ya too.

I too felt ignored and I remember after finally telling my mother about my abuse, it seemed to bring us further apart. I remember one time she told me I needed to stop thinking about myself and start thinking about others.

My mom and I continue to grow farther apart. I personally believe she doesn't think I was sexually abused at all.

All of a sudden too she has become a bit of an expert on diagnosing people with various disorders. Great mom, woohoo. She thinks because she has the DSM she knows everything. She also seems to blame many of her problems on her father, who in her eyes is narcissistic.

I'm getting to a point where I just know this is my mom, accept her for what she is, tolerate her as best I can and live my life according to my values, not hers or anyone else's.

Thanks for letting me vent about my mom. Gets to me at times. Glad others know the pain I feel. It helps my friends.

Charlie.


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#302167 - 09/08/09 02:21 PM Re: moms [Re: Charlie24]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Mommy dearest,

I have more issues that stem from my relationship with my mother than anyone else. Including my perp and my csa. I learned at an early age to compartmentalize my life as much as possible to keep her away from the other areas of my life. I didn't share anything with her that was outside of my home life.
I grew up terrified of her irrational behaviors. it was like living with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. you never which one would be there when you got home.
but have to cut her some slack because my stepmother is almost as bad. Dad really knows how to pick some real winners.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#302297 - 09/09/09 06:16 AM Re: moms [Re: michael banks]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Gentlemen,

I'm not sure what conjures up more intense feelings...thinking about my own mother or reading the entire posts here in one sitting. No one needs my comments on anyone's mother stories, but I did want to express my thanks to those of you who have written. It's always so illuminating to read about the experiences of others and to se how we all speak of and react to those experiences. Maybe this is a thing where those with an issue are more likely to post, but the anecdotal prevalence of certain characteristics is striking to say the least. Sorry, if that last sentence sounds like I'm "Spock-ing"...to those of you who remember my first post.

thanks,

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#302426 - 09/10/09 02:45 PM Re: moms [Re: GentleSoul]
ComicBookGuy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 443
Loc: London, England
Acceptance is the key as in some cases a mother and child can be far too alike, whilst there are some battles she won't fight, I dig my heels in and stand up for myself which I know I got from her, as it certainly didn't come from Dad.

Once you move out you just have to work your damndest not to depend on parents anymore, in my view - not that I'm there yet. That's how you really grow into an adult in my view...and I'm aiming for 40 smile



Edited by ComicBookGuy (11/08/10 06:42 PM)
_________________________
- CBG

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#302432 - 09/10/09 04:36 PM Re: moms [Re: ComicBookGuy]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, Guys.

Wow. What a great post. My mom has been a thorn in my side and a gift.

I first need to say I am a parent and I have made mistakes too.

The mom I knew as a kid is different than the one I know now.

My mom as a kid was a passive/aggressive to say the least. She as adoring of me her only son and first born. I could do no wrong in her eyes. RIGHT mom. I was a kid and I was a pain in the *** at times. My mom is a hypochondriac.

I remember some great times and some very bad times with my mom. She nurtured me when no one else would. She would do silly stuff with me and my sister. She even made pudding with us in the bathtub (we were fully clothed).

But, the good times would change at the same time the csa happened. She could not control me as I became moody. She began to beat me with anything she could get her hands on - belt, hairbrush, wooden spoon, pet wirebrush, etc. She would take my sister and I for a drive at 80 mph so she could blow off steam.

My mom had 3 other husbands beside my dad after their divorce when I was 15.

My mom have made amends. For the first time in our lives she and I are both single. She has been helping me financially which is a huge change.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#302572 - 09/12/09 06:19 AM Re: moms [Re: DJsport]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
can i add some of my stuff here?

actually, i don't have a mother. I dont know what happened to her after i was born. I was told horrible stuff when i was a kid, like she was a whore,she had been raped and didnt want me and crap like that. Now i know they could have lied or whatever.
I was raised by a woman like my first 2/3 years but she was evil. abuse left physical marks in me and i still flashback to that time.. so not really a motherly figure.

I think the most likely i know is my father's wife. I wasnt her son and she had a girl but she treated us the same. She was terrified just like us but she managed to be loving and caring. Of course she did nothing to stop the abuse that went right under her nose, anyway he wouldnt dare touch me when she was looking and she and her daughter were out of town everytime that more people was involved.
One night that got specially violent she left with her daughter forever. i've never talked about this and it's something i have inside. i could have died that night. she could hit him, distract him, get to the stairs, grab her daughter and open the door. for one second i thought everything was over, she would take us out of there. but she just took the girl and left me there. she didnt look at me.
stupid as i was i kinda loved her. i thought she had done that because i wasnt her son. mothers only protect their own children. maybe she was just too scared.

things got awfully worse after she left.


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#302629 - 09/12/09 09:38 PM Re: moms [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
I haven't read the responses to this thread yet. My mother was good when we kids were small, she would buy me ice lollies when my brothers and sister went to school before i was old enough to be allowed to school, and even told me that i was her favourite. But about the same time it seems she was an alcoholic, and she has got worse and worse. At times, even when lets say i was 10yrs old she would proclaim that she has been a mother long enough and no longer accepts that responsibility- so would not cook us food, and also the responsibility of a housewife, meaning she would not clean up. Instead she would do nothing, and still does nothing, because she felt and feels she shouldn't have to do anything. She even seemed to have pleasure in punishing us kids. My father worked away for a while, and she would make sure that she gathered up enough stories, and even MADE UP STORIES about things we had done wrong so that when my father came home for a few days he could spend the time coming to our room at night to smack us. I used to pray to god to kill him all the time. My mother was a bitch. Her mental illness now is her fault for being such a lazy unproductive cow and is all her fault. If my father wasn't such a spineless coward my mother would get the help she needs. We have never had much money- so if there wasn't enough food i would be denied and told "the early bird gets the worm"- there was certainly a plucking order. I had a good technique of imagining eating food during lunch time in school (we would have packed lunch but i never had enough to stop my hunger- because of my fathers wage we should have had free school dinners but my father was too proud to accept charity, and i was too well trained to think that i deserved food or good treatment) if i was very hungry and the doctor threatened my parents with my oldest brother who was becoming dangeroulsy underweight with force feeding. It is hard for me to forgive my mother for her failures in all basic aspects of human existence, even harder than forgiving my father for the things he did.

My mother decided not to be a mother and so she is not my mother. She has decided to collapse her existence and so her existence is collapsing. We all have choices, she made hers.

My real family are those i choose for myself.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#302633 - 09/12/09 10:56 PM Re: moms [Re: king tut]
zb420 Offline


Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 251
,,



Edited by zb420 (11/27/09 06:36 PM)
Edit Reason: sorry

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#304266 - 09/26/09 08:41 AM Re: moms [Re: faithjoy]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hi everyone,

The "mother question" sure brings up strong emotions for many of us and I have to say again, reading the your posts has been extraordinarily moving. If I may, Lewis this one seemed to bring out a different side of you that you usually show in posts...certainly understandable for sure. But to those of us like you and our teen survivors whose lives are still daily affected by these relationships, I'm so friggin' sorry.

To the one lady commentator here faithjoy, I'm sure we all can separate those ladies from the female populace at large and know that not all women are like those with whom we have big issues. I wasn't sure whether you were saying we had no natural affection for our families or our moms for us. Have no fear many of us know great women exist...I'm married to one and have another one as a mother-in-law and two others as sisters in law.

thanks,

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#308047 - 10/25/09 07:26 PM Re: moms [Re: sono]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
My mom is the youngest out of three girls. She always complains of the mistreatment the others gave her. My grandpa was a stern and somewhat cold man which explains some of it. Anyway, mom will let people run her over till she gets pissed and comes back with a vengeance. She lives with the motto of out of sight out of mind to some degree. She is a sweet person once you get past her bitterness for life. She constantly reminds me of how she wished she would have done something different with her life, i.e. not marrying my father. I'd hate to be her and live with him. She does a lot of complaining to me, even about my choice to live across country from her. I will never live that down. I'm not sure how this relates to mom and her role but my sister and I both have been raped. Sorry to be negative so far, most to do with mom is negative.

The positive side of her. What little I remember when I was younger was good times with her. She used to cuddle with me, make me chocolate milk, sometimes pancakes. I remember riding around before I had to go to school (before preschool)in mom's 72 Blazer. I enjoyed just riding around town and never wanted to grow up. Mom stayed home with me till I was old enough to go to school. As far as I can remember, life was good before I turned 5 years old, then hell broke loose.


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#308056 - 10/25/09 08:26 PM Re: moms [Re: nevragan]
TGIK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/11/09
Posts: 72
Loc: NY,NY 10011
My mother. She abused me so horribly for so many years.

She was so drunk my whole life and she remembers nothing; so as far as she can remember, she tried her best. End of story. My mother used me. Exploited me. Stole my soul.

At 65 she is still drinking. Still covering it all up so she never has to face it.

tgik






Edited by TGIK (10/25/09 11:38 PM)
Edit Reason: edited

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#308068 - 10/25/09 09:16 PM Re: moms [Re: TGIK]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
I forgot to add:

My mother beat me while the rape and torture was going on. She hated my dad and his family and was very passive/aggressive in getting her needs met.

She divorced my dad in an effort to get him to talk and love her which blew up in her face and she never let me NOT know it.

NOW this weekend she is having surgery on her broken elbow and I am all comsumed with concern for her.

DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#308074 - 10/25/09 09:30 PM Re: moms [Re: DJsport]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
guys I'm so sorry you had mothers that were awful...i was fortunate that mine wasn't so terrible....she definitely had her issues that affected me in a negative way,...but she loved me and my brother and did the best she could to raise us,...somethings were just beyond her control, or her ability to see what impact her actions would have on us....my brother did much better than i,...she was very young when she had us, and knew very little if anything about things like sexual abuse....it was a different time then.

_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

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#308076 - 10/25/09 09:39 PM Re: moms [Re: DJsport]
J1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 137
Loc: Missouri
DJ,TG..;
This so resonates with me...at 56, I have moved homes, cities, jobs, allowing that my mom has never addressed any of the incest i endured from her and my deceased dad.At one level the therapists and awareness dealt with easier.. in my face matters..violent trauma, putting myself in danger as a career and personal choice i suppose..clearly the lack of boundaries and high need for stimulation , were symptoms of the deeper damage. I repressed the mom stuff almost successfully, until just 4 weeks ago. A larger family event required my attendance...and the subtle smells, ,music,a few words uttered by her at a large table of others, hit me like a bulldozer...very graphic flashes of me as a child..in the bed..but viewed from up in the ceiling...like another me...
(more)


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#308078 - 10/25/09 09:46 PM Re: moms [Re: J1]
J1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 137
Loc: Missouri
I came home to an empty home..relationships had become secondary to my incessant work and travels..that night I passed out..by the next day I was a rigid weeping mess...My best friend and manager came to my home and without a word, helped me stay safe and cancelled all my assignments. The essence of the outcome was a great MD/ Therapist that knows me well, calling me and calming me and reminding me that we are survivors..and i took a pre>

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#308084 - 10/25/09 11:01 PM Re: moms [Re: J1]
J1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 137
Loc: Missouri
I have to add that all the hate and confusion I felt as a child needing the normal parental nurturing, and the improper, activities by the parental abusers, ended up just eating away at the remaining little of my self I could maintain.

I cannot embrace the hate or revenge notion anymore...I could... up until a few months ago.and i comprehend that it is a very natural response.....but today, I know, for me..the hate takes from me...and I refuse to empower anyone like that. I can control what food i will eat,( I was force fed certain foods as a kid..) how much exercise I will take, and not answer the phone or explain much to anyone. Karma works in strange ways..I have to trust that an abuser/evil person will meet their own hell or whatever...Its out of my hands...I hope that makes some sense...


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#308091 - 10/25/09 11:43 PM Re: moms [Re: J1]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
My mother isn't the kind of person I could really call a mother, because the only thing she did for me as a mother was to carry me in her belly. She's a selfish person, short-tempered, often cruel and judgemental, always arching one eyebrow as everything I say is ridiculous or absurd in that utterly aristocratic and sarcastic way that even my father can't manage. She thinks her so called problems are huge and the only thing in the world that really matter, coming to a point she dared to say in my face why don't you just die?

I don't really get her, she lives drowning herself in medication for depression and god knows what else for reasons like oh shit my hair is ugly today my life sucks, and idon't have the fucking right to see a therapist or anything that could bloody help me for once in my life, because my fears and issues are all 'meaningless',I'm just fucking a headcase that cant deal with a couple of nightmares.

She's the kind of person that when her only child told her he had been raped and beaten and tossed over a landfill that was able to end the conversation taking a cigarette and saying that I like to be tormented for no reason.

When my mother used to walk hand by hand with me, even in that time when I was very very little, she always walked in front of me, pulling me, without looking backwards. I had to run desperately behind her, I had to grasp to her with all my strength because I knew I wouldn't survive by myself. She still does so till this very day with everything I have to ask of her. She did so too when my cousin started to abuse me again. And when she realises I depend on her, she smiles but it's a smile that says "I won't help you because I don't want to, and not because I can't".

Mother never liked me. She was young when she got pregnant, like 17 or 18 yo, and didn't abort me just because ethics principles didn't let her. For her I've always been an insignificant form of life that she poured in the world.

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



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#308092 - 10/25/09 11:44 PM Re: moms [Re: J1]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi my fraternal brothers.

From the minute that i was born, i was hated. I was the wrong one that lived. (my twin sister died at birth).

I was constantly told that i was useless, worthless & wouldn't amount to anything. She threw the full range of abuse on me, Physical, mental, emotional & sexual. Not wanted, not loved.
But starting at about 8 years old, I had always told myself that i wished that she was dead.

She had already made me that perfect victim (as stated in the book Victims No Longer), by Mike Lew..

I was easy pickings for Ralph, someone whom I thought loved this young boy. And this young boy loved Ralph too...and as they say "the rest is history".

I have paid dearly for her hate.

Heal well my fraternal brothers, heal well.

" I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity".

Little Pete & big Pete.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#308495 - 10/29/09 02:20 AM Re: moms [Re: petercorbett]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
hey J_mcCormick and Peter,

I really don't need to keep adding my two cents to this thread, but I check it from time to time and wanted to say, Peter what you said here :

She had already made me that perfect victim (as stated in the book Victims No Longer), by Mike Lew..

I was easy pickings for Ralph, someone whom I thought loved this young boy.

was a very resonating phrase for me, and always when someone else uses words so apt to your own situation you feel a sepcial kinship someone. Thanks for that Peter.

and J_ whenever I hear one of these stories from someone your age who is still dependent on their parent for something...housing, food, school whatever and is suffering that way you still are, I get extraordinarily mad at those adults who don't realize what a gift you young men are and give you such a shabby start in life. I realize that's an understatement, but we know we understand what I mean. When I was your age, I didn't want any words of comfort about anything, so you probably don't either. Just try not to believe the bullshit messages those pigs you happened to give you life put in your head...OK?

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#308947 - 11/01/09 08:23 PM Re: moms [Re: sono]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
This is really a great thread. Feel like I'm coming in a bit late, but I wanted to add my two cents worth (well... ok, a nickles worth).

First, to address the original question...

I don't think that there is a typical mother type that sets her son up to be abused. But I do think that the general dysfunction found within our families sets the stage for us being unable to set boundaries and feel safe, confident or worthy enough to protect ourselves (as if a child is really able to do that). But I do believe that in a family environment that is safe and nurturing, some boys find a way to speak up and end their abuse. For most of us, this isn't the case.

It seems that we either have either had a parent that was unable to care for themself and therefore unable to protect us from the abuse of others (and may have even been complicit) or a parent that was so engulfed in their attempts to take care of themself that they lose site of what it means to be a parent. Another way we could look at it is that it seems we either have a parent that is being victimized in some way just as we were, or that the parent is so involved with themself that we become an accessory or burden.

Second, my mother...

I know in my case, I was the product of a date rape. My parents were then forced to marry. She was 14 and he was 19. For the first few years, my mother was great. But then my brother was born - the wanted child - and everything changed. My parents started to grow up and apart and my dad tried to get at my mom through my brother. I was spared this psychological abuse for the most part because I was at school and my dad worked second shift so I really didn't have much contact with him.

But the dysfunction and my dad moving out made my mom lose focus on the boys and put us in danger. She was 19 and had two boys 6 and 2. This was the beginning of my mothers ongoing search for a new husband - the man that is going to take care of her. She is still searching 36 years later.

This is when my abuse begins - a cousin, a babysitter. Then a year later my father's parents, the owners of my childhood home, threw us out because my dad wanted to move into the house (he was living with them). So my mom got a job at as a waitress in a biker bar/restaurant. We where homeless and my bother and I were on the streets while mom was at work.

My brother was pretty messed up psychologically and was quite a handful. He and my mother took on quite a codependent relationship. He kept her attention. I was the smart, good child who never had problems and didn't need help with anything. I become my mother's spouse in a way. I did the house work, took care of the child, cooked, laundry, etc. and my mother worked and went out. There were fun times, but my relationship with my mother was never again a mother/child relationship.

Things continued to go downhill. She began trading me for drugs at her parties, set me up with my football coach and eventually a child pornographer.

I will say that when my sister was born, my mom really straightened up and was a wonderful mother to her. Brittany was born when I was 21 and she died in a car accident at 17. She was on the homecoming court, captain of the swim team, etc. But even so, my relationship with my mother is strained to say the least. We've never been able to capture that mother/son relationship and I know we never will.

This is why one of the important things we need to do in recovery is to learn to become our own parents - we must learn to parent our inner child. Learn to love him, nurture him, provide for his needs, discipline him with love, and be the parent that he so rightfully deserved - that we so rightfully deserved.

Reading this thread really shows incredible resilience that boys have and that we continue to have in our recovery. Your courage astounds and inspires me.

Peace and love...

Michael


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#309581 - 11/07/09 01:01 AM Re: moms [Re: M3]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

Michael, I like the perspective that you have. Your words in your second last sentence really hit me hard. As i am desperately trying to accomplish this.
If i may quote those very importaint words...

"We must learn to parent our inner child. Learn to love him, nurture him, provide for his needs, discipline him with love, and be the parent that he so rightly deserved-that we so rightly deserved", end of quote.

About 5 weeks ago, i was ready to throw in the towel, I was ready to harm both little Pete & big Pete, as (a voice) came to me and told me that the pain is too great, we are too old, and we ought to pull the plug. I dismissed this voice then.
Two weeks later (the voice) came back to me, but this time it was more pronounced, and it carried a ton of emotions with it. It seemed that this time everything was closing on me and there was no way out. I was very deep into myself, i was getting out of control. I made the most importaint telephone call of my adult life. A call for help. A call to save a very courageous boy, but a wimp of a "man". The VA sent me to their mental health facility, where big Pete was treated for severe mental depression. While there i had plenty of time to talk to little Pete, to ask for his forgiveness for this boy in a mans skin for wanting to harm him, because it got a little too tough for the big Pete.

Since that episode, i was luckily allowed to still attend that WoR in Utah, where i got a better understanding of that little boy, and i pledged to him that big Pete will never entertain those thoughts again. And to full fill my solemn pledge....

" I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine forever into eternity".

I believe what you have said, in the depths of my soul. And will strive to attain them. Compassion, understanding and love.
I can do no less for that little boy, Pete.

Heal well my fraternal brothers, heal well.

A bit out from the "moms" topic. But what you said Michael hit me hard...I,m sorry.

Little Pete & big Pete..but 1 (Irishmoose).

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#309582 - 11/07/09 01:38 AM Re: moms [Re: petercorbett]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Just a quick note to Peter and Michael, Thanks for adding to this. Both of your posts deserve more words and thought than i can put down today, I just had though to say to Peter, I'm so very happy indeed that your story had the outcome it did. May you never find yourself that far down the hole again. Please remember those children and grandchildren you speak of here, if no one else, and while you might not now be living close to them, remember if nothing else what that would do to them next time, and let that be your strength till you find yourself in a good place again for your self.

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#309619 - 11/07/09 04:44 PM Re: moms [Re: sono]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Michael.

I like your words about being our own parents. I have been nurturing Donnie for a few months. I realize how I have treated him but also have changed that treatment.

My mom has changed. Unfortanately, NOT early enough for the little/young me but, she is there for me now. I talked about my young mom earlier.

I have had a need for money the last several months and she has given me alot.

I have posted here a wonderful email I got from her regarding my perp.

I am glad I am apart of the members in this place.

DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#314029 - 12/11/09 03:34 PM Re: moms [Re: DJsport]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
I am so f$%^&*( angry with my mom. All of the years she was so consumed with her self so was NOT a mom for me or my sister.

At thanksgiving she told the family my 3 yr old nephew has a mean streak. WOW WOW WOW.

She never allow me to be a kid ever. She never saw her lil boy was badly hurt.

I have so much pent up anger and hostility. I catered to her.

Anyway, I need to pull up this thread and acknowledge where my anger needs to be directed.

Donnie

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#314193 - 12/13/09 01:08 AM Re: moms [Re: DJsport]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Donnie,

I don't know if you ever read books for your recovery, but there is a good book that really helped me when anger was really a problem. It's called When Anger Hurts by Matthew McKay et al. I think of all the parts of recovery I've dealt with, anger is among the top two.

You are doing the right thing by identifying where the anger should be directed so it isn't directed at yourself or little Donnie. Keep working and know we are here to support you!

Peace and love...

Michael


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#314205 - 12/13/09 03:02 AM Re: moms [Re: M3]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Originally Posted By: M3


You are doing the right thing by identifying where the anger should be directed so it isn't directed at yourself or little Donnie.


...or to little any of us...Amen to that!!!!!

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#314208 - 12/13/09 03:56 AM Re: moms [Re: michael banks]
jbh8 Offline


Registered: 10/29/09
Posts: 94


Edited by jbh8 (02/20/13 03:52 PM)

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