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#308074 - 10/25/09 09:30 PM Re: moms [Re: DJsport]
myboyhoodfears Offline


Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
guys I'm so sorry you had mothers that were awful...i was fortunate that mine wasn't so terrible....she definitely had her issues that affected me in a negative way,...but she loved me and my brother and did the best she could to raise us,...somethings were just beyond her control, or her ability to see what impact her actions would have on us....my brother did much better than i,...she was very young when she had us, and knew very little if anything about things like sexual abuse....it was a different time then.

_________________________
Post Nubilia Pheobus

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#308076 - 10/25/09 09:39 PM Re: moms [Re: DJsport]
J1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 137
Loc: Missouri
DJ,TG..;
This so resonates with me...at 56, I have moved homes, cities, jobs, allowing that my mom has never addressed any of the incest i endured from her and my deceased dad.At one level the therapists and awareness dealt with easier.. in my face matters..violent trauma, putting myself in danger as a career and personal choice i suppose..clearly the lack of boundaries and high need for stimulation , were symptoms of the deeper damage. I repressed the mom stuff almost successfully, until just 4 weeks ago. A larger family event required my attendance...and the subtle smells, ,music,a few words uttered by her at a large table of others, hit me like a bulldozer...very graphic flashes of me as a child..in the bed..but viewed from up in the ceiling...like another me...
(more)


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#308078 - 10/25/09 09:46 PM Re: moms [Re: J1]
J1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 137
Loc: Missouri
I came home to an empty home..relationships had become secondary to my incessant work and travels..that night I passed out..by the next day I was a rigid weeping mess...My best friend and manager came to my home and without a word, helped me stay safe and cancelled all my assignments. The essence of the outcome was a great MD/ Therapist that knows me well, calling me and calming me and reminding me that we are survivors..and i took a pre>

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#308084 - 10/25/09 11:01 PM Re: moms [Re: J1]
J1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 137
Loc: Missouri
I have to add that all the hate and confusion I felt as a child needing the normal parental nurturing, and the improper, activities by the parental abusers, ended up just eating away at the remaining little of my self I could maintain.

I cannot embrace the hate or revenge notion anymore...I could... up until a few months ago.and i comprehend that it is a very natural response.....but today, I know, for me..the hate takes from me...and I refuse to empower anyone like that. I can control what food i will eat,( I was force fed certain foods as a kid..) how much exercise I will take, and not answer the phone or explain much to anyone. Karma works in strange ways..I have to trust that an abuser/evil person will meet their own hell or whatever...Its out of my hands...I hope that makes some sense...


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#308091 - 10/25/09 11:43 PM Re: moms [Re: J1]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
My mother isn't the kind of person I could really call a mother, because the only thing she did for me as a mother was to carry me in her belly. She's a selfish person, short-tempered, often cruel and judgemental, always arching one eyebrow as everything I say is ridiculous or absurd in that utterly aristocratic and sarcastic way that even my father can't manage. She thinks her so called problems are huge and the only thing in the world that really matter, coming to a point she dared to say in my face why don't you just die?

I don't really get her, she lives drowning herself in medication for depression and god knows what else for reasons like oh shit my hair is ugly today my life sucks, and idon't have the fucking right to see a therapist or anything that could bloody help me for once in my life, because my fears and issues are all 'meaningless',I'm just fucking a headcase that cant deal with a couple of nightmares.

She's the kind of person that when her only child told her he had been raped and beaten and tossed over a landfill that was able to end the conversation taking a cigarette and saying that I like to be tormented for no reason.

When my mother used to walk hand by hand with me, even in that time when I was very very little, she always walked in front of me, pulling me, without looking backwards. I had to run desperately behind her, I had to grasp to her with all my strength because I knew I wouldn't survive by myself. She still does so till this very day with everything I have to ask of her. She did so too when my cousin started to abuse me again. And when she realises I depend on her, she smiles but it's a smile that says "I won't help you because I don't want to, and not because I can't".

Mother never liked me. She was young when she got pregnant, like 17 or 18 yo, and didn't abort me just because ethics principles didn't let her. For her I've always been an insignificant form of life that she poured in the world.

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



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#308092 - 10/25/09 11:44 PM Re: moms [Re: J1]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi my fraternal brothers.

From the minute that i was born, i was hated. I was the wrong one that lived. (my twin sister died at birth).

I was constantly told that i was useless, worthless & wouldn't amount to anything. She threw the full range of abuse on me, Physical, mental, emotional & sexual. Not wanted, not loved.
But starting at about 8 years old, I had always told myself that i wished that she was dead.

She had already made me that perfect victim (as stated in the book Victims No Longer), by Mike Lew..

I was easy pickings for Ralph, someone whom I thought loved this young boy. And this young boy loved Ralph too...and as they say "the rest is history".

I have paid dearly for her hate.

Heal well my fraternal brothers, heal well.

" I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity".

Little Pete & big Pete.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#308495 - 10/29/09 02:20 AM Re: moms [Re: petercorbett]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
hey J_mcCormick and Peter,

I really don't need to keep adding my two cents to this thread, but I check it from time to time and wanted to say, Peter what you said here :

She had already made me that perfect victim (as stated in the book Victims No Longer), by Mike Lew..

I was easy pickings for Ralph, someone whom I thought loved this young boy.

was a very resonating phrase for me, and always when someone else uses words so apt to your own situation you feel a sepcial kinship someone. Thanks for that Peter.

and J_ whenever I hear one of these stories from someone your age who is still dependent on their parent for something...housing, food, school whatever and is suffering that way you still are, I get extraordinarily mad at those adults who don't realize what a gift you young men are and give you such a shabby start in life. I realize that's an understatement, but we know we understand what I mean. When I was your age, I didn't want any words of comfort about anything, so you probably don't either. Just try not to believe the bullshit messages those pigs you happened to give you life put in your head...OK?

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#308947 - 11/01/09 08:23 PM Re: moms [Re: sono]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
This is really a great thread. Feel like I'm coming in a bit late, but I wanted to add my two cents worth (well... ok, a nickles worth).

First, to address the original question...

I don't think that there is a typical mother type that sets her son up to be abused. But I do think that the general dysfunction found within our families sets the stage for us being unable to set boundaries and feel safe, confident or worthy enough to protect ourselves (as if a child is really able to do that). But I do believe that in a family environment that is safe and nurturing, some boys find a way to speak up and end their abuse. For most of us, this isn't the case.

It seems that we either have either had a parent that was unable to care for themself and therefore unable to protect us from the abuse of others (and may have even been complicit) or a parent that was so engulfed in their attempts to take care of themself that they lose site of what it means to be a parent. Another way we could look at it is that it seems we either have a parent that is being victimized in some way just as we were, or that the parent is so involved with themself that we become an accessory or burden.

Second, my mother...

I know in my case, I was the product of a date rape. My parents were then forced to marry. She was 14 and he was 19. For the first few years, my mother was great. But then my brother was born - the wanted child - and everything changed. My parents started to grow up and apart and my dad tried to get at my mom through my brother. I was spared this psychological abuse for the most part because I was at school and my dad worked second shift so I really didn't have much contact with him.

But the dysfunction and my dad moving out made my mom lose focus on the boys and put us in danger. She was 19 and had two boys 6 and 2. This was the beginning of my mothers ongoing search for a new husband - the man that is going to take care of her. She is still searching 36 years later.

This is when my abuse begins - a cousin, a babysitter. Then a year later my father's parents, the owners of my childhood home, threw us out because my dad wanted to move into the house (he was living with them). So my mom got a job at as a waitress in a biker bar/restaurant. We where homeless and my bother and I were on the streets while mom was at work.

My brother was pretty messed up psychologically and was quite a handful. He and my mother took on quite a codependent relationship. He kept her attention. I was the smart, good child who never had problems and didn't need help with anything. I become my mother's spouse in a way. I did the house work, took care of the child, cooked, laundry, etc. and my mother worked and went out. There were fun times, but my relationship with my mother was never again a mother/child relationship.

Things continued to go downhill. She began trading me for drugs at her parties, set me up with my football coach and eventually a child pornographer.

I will say that when my sister was born, my mom really straightened up and was a wonderful mother to her. Brittany was born when I was 21 and she died in a car accident at 17. She was on the homecoming court, captain of the swim team, etc. But even so, my relationship with my mother is strained to say the least. We've never been able to capture that mother/son relationship and I know we never will.

This is why one of the important things we need to do in recovery is to learn to become our own parents - we must learn to parent our inner child. Learn to love him, nurture him, provide for his needs, discipline him with love, and be the parent that he so rightfully deserved - that we so rightfully deserved.

Reading this thread really shows incredible resilience that boys have and that we continue to have in our recovery. Your courage astounds and inspires me.

Peace and love...

Michael


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#309581 - 11/07/09 01:01 AM Re: moms [Re: M3]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

Michael, I like the perspective that you have. Your words in your second last sentence really hit me hard. As i am desperately trying to accomplish this.
If i may quote those very importaint words...

"We must learn to parent our inner child. Learn to love him, nurture him, provide for his needs, discipline him with love, and be the parent that he so rightly deserved-that we so rightly deserved", end of quote.

About 5 weeks ago, i was ready to throw in the towel, I was ready to harm both little Pete & big Pete, as (a voice) came to me and told me that the pain is too great, we are too old, and we ought to pull the plug. I dismissed this voice then.
Two weeks later (the voice) came back to me, but this time it was more pronounced, and it carried a ton of emotions with it. It seemed that this time everything was closing on me and there was no way out. I was very deep into myself, i was getting out of control. I made the most importaint telephone call of my adult life. A call for help. A call to save a very courageous boy, but a wimp of a "man". The VA sent me to their mental health facility, where big Pete was treated for severe mental depression. While there i had plenty of time to talk to little Pete, to ask for his forgiveness for this boy in a mans skin for wanting to harm him, because it got a little too tough for the big Pete.

Since that episode, i was luckily allowed to still attend that WoR in Utah, where i got a better understanding of that little boy, and i pledged to him that big Pete will never entertain those thoughts again. And to full fill my solemn pledge....

" I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine forever into eternity".

I believe what you have said, in the depths of my soul. And will strive to attain them. Compassion, understanding and love.
I can do no less for that little boy, Pete.

Heal well my fraternal brothers, heal well.

A bit out from the "moms" topic. But what you said Michael hit me hard...I,m sorry.

Little Pete & big Pete..but 1 (Irishmoose).

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#309582 - 11/07/09 01:38 AM Re: moms [Re: petercorbett]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Just a quick note to Peter and Michael, Thanks for adding to this. Both of your posts deserve more words and thought than i can put down today, I just had though to say to Peter, I'm so very happy indeed that your story had the outcome it did. May you never find yourself that far down the hole again. Please remember those children and grandchildren you speak of here, if no one else, and while you might not now be living close to them, remember if nothing else what that would do to them next time, and let that be your strength till you find yourself in a good place again for your self.

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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