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#301762 - 09/05/09 08:05 AM moms
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hey guys,

I started a post a few weeks ago entitled "scary dads" that so many of you answered with amazingly similar stories about abusive alcoholic dads. Interestingly I don't believe most of us were talking about sexually abusive dads per se, that would have been a different kind of scary than what I meant. I perhaps should have left out the scary in the post title, since that implied a direction the post should go.

Today I wanted to ask about mothers...again here, I don't mean mothers who were abusers specifically, although if that's the case please feel free to talk about it. I guess I'm curious about the kinds of mothers whose sons fall victim to CSA. Does one type of mother figure more or less prominently than another?

My mother was, like my dad, an alcoholic. She was also a very big woman...around 5, 11' (my dad couldn't have been taller than 5'8 or 5'9 in his elevator shoes) or so and very heavy. Even in her most incapacitated state she was a dominating presence. Every car ride with her was a brush with death in my mind...probably the opinion of other drivers on the road as well!

In her drunken stupor she would say stuff to me like:

"whatever happened to you, you were such a good baby?"
"I'm gonna have you sent to reform school (something like juvenile prison school) , you behave so badly"
"you're the most hateful child a mother could have"
"you're gonna grow up and be a son of a bitch just like your father"
"I should have had another abortion"

and some of my personal favorites

"come here and let me kiss you" (not meant sexually)
"I love you so much"
"I don't want you to grow up and be all funny" (this she said only once...when she began to notice "that guy" taking an interest in me...this last of course inspired me to use better subterfuge in my stories about where I was going at night, but this only lasted a year as she died when I was 14)

Well I could go on and on like this, but I guess the picture is rather clear. Maybe I'll add more as I think about this...if you're interested there's more probably in pt 1 of my links, but I haven't read it in a week so I'm not quite sure what I wrote exactly about her anymore.

Interested to hear what you guys have to say about mom...

thanks,

sono

p.s. if you've got great things to say, please say those as well a little variety is nice in this topic a think!

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#301775 - 09/05/09 10:46 AM Re: moms [Re: sono]
boylikeme Offline


Registered: 08/10/09
Posts: 546
Loc: hell

my mum is okay.. i guess.. but she doesnt know how to take care of herself or others..

maybe that cuz she had me pretty young, she was 18 n my dad was 26..she ran away with him to England n it took my grandparents 6 years to forgive her.. my dad was really violent but she never had the courage to leave him... then he found out bout her having an affair n he left us..

the affair didnt last, she says its cuz all the men she meets are arseholes. so we moved to Germany where shes from n stayed close to her parents..then she met the new guy n now we are staying with him. she says she really wants this to work n she keeps askin me n my sis not to ruin things for her..

sometimes feels like im the parent

_________________________
Everybody’s screaming - I try to make a sound but no one hears me (Untitled - Simple Plan)

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#301777 - 09/05/09 11:02 AM Re: moms [Re: sono]
Ornias Offline


Registered: 08/13/09
Posts: 310
my mom never hurt me in any physical way, well i don't count the little love taps with a flip flop , but she was pretty much and still is emotional absent? type of person that pretends she sees nothing hears nothing, even to this day she doesn't talk to me, she talks at me , but never to me, not sure if that makes sense , if something goes wrong she says nothing about it but tries to find someone to fix it for her. to me she is a emotionaless robot trying to pretend its human and just hasn't quite figured it out yet.
i don't think she likes me very much, she treats me like her job.

_________________________
its not easy to hide all this damage inside,
and ill carry it w
ith me until i'm not alive.

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#301797 - 09/05/09 12:55 PM Re: moms [Re: Ornias]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Wow! Excellent topic, sono. Thanks,

Mom... Well, my early memories of mom was that she was gentle and sweet. I loved to cuddle in her lap. She taught me all sorts of neat things about the animals and birds, music and art. But something happened. There was lots of anger as I began to get old enough to make little decisions on my own, lots of shaming over things I did that made me a "bad boy."

The anger and the shaming alternated with loves and cuddles and for Little John it was a terrible road to try to negotiate. So many mixed messages. I cried a lot to myself. Spent lots of hours fantasizing about a special world where there were no parents, just children and puppies and the occasional visiting grandmother.

Mom had her own demons to fight. Now that she's gone I'm learning that her father was a violent man and beat her over insignificant things even into her late teens. Life was not easy for her it seems and I honor her for doing as well as she did with us. No, it wasn't perfect. Yeah, I'm sure her method of relating to us left me vulnerable to the unhealthy attentions of neighbor kid and taxi guy. No doubt about it in my mind, but I loved her.

During my teen years she began to change for the better. I'm sure there was an epiphany or two in her life behind those changes. She became one of the sweetest, kindest little old ladies. She was always helping others in her senior housing complex. Taking them food or baked goods, etc.

At times I wish she could have learned those things before I was born, but one cannot go back and change the way things were. We can only change things from this day forward.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#301800 - 09/05/09 01:17 PM Re: moms [Re: WalkingSouth]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
Hey sono,

Sending mixed messages is my mom's forte. Imagine growing up with someone who communicates in a "double bind" fashion. No wonder why I've always struggle with independence. Also, emotionally distant, poor communicator, over-protective, and no life of her own are some more characteristics of my mother. I'd also like to add to this de>
_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#302034 - 09/07/09 11:12 AM Re: moms [Re: Casmir213]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3362
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Mom - it's a word that I wish I could say that it brings up warm, fuzzy feelings in me - but sadly it does'nt

Darth Mother - it's a phrase coined by my friend Andy (Former Texan) - I find a part of me smiling every time I hear him say that - it just fits my mother so much better - because as a child I surely did learn to have an extreme fear of her

as a child growing up my memories are filled with scenes of my mothers anger - she was constantly angry at someone or something - I learned as a very young child to be as quiet and un-noticable as I could possibly be around her - the physical and emmotional abuse broke my spirit and left a hollow shell

I learned to not have friends over to play - no sleepovers - no big birthday parties - mom did'nt want those things...

I grew up a very lonely child - I had only just a handfull of friends that my mother approved of - sadly... my uncle was among that handfull...

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#302039 - 09/07/09 11:35 AM Re: moms [Re: TJ jeff]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11023
Loc: Denver, CO
Well, I'm glad I found this thread. Thank you Jeff for the quote. T'was a moment of inspiration. laugh

My mother should not have had kids, not that I regret living. She came from a broken background of abuse and abandonment. I saw an anti-male streak in her early on. She is one of the reasons I am on this site. I got plenty of mixed messages that drove me right up the wall. And people ask me why I'm not married...

She has three sons. Only one is married, and none of them have kids. Hm...

If I wanted friends in the house, I had to smuggle them in like contraband. Hardly the approach for good socializing. Mom just wouldn't have it.

I will give my mom a little credit. A couple years back she and I talked about some things that happened in childhood, and that was a blessing to be able to bring some stuff up. These days I feel pity towards her, but I do love her as best I can.





Edited by FormerTexan (09/07/09 12:22 PM)
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#302044 - 09/07/09 12:20 PM Re: moms [Re: FormerTexan]
GentleSoul Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 236
Loc: Manhattan
Ahhh mudder... what can I say about thee? My mom is a pretty narcissistic and vainful individual. To me, I was her trophy and validating ticket. She cracked the whip pretty often and only showed the good mother act when there's family or significant people around. We never really connected. To this day she is still somewhat overbearing and treats me like a kid still. But, just like others are finding out, my mom wasn't born this deficient. I'm sure there were a lot of things that molded her this way. I'm sure I can dwell on the debatable negative influences she's had on me; but I'm probably not seeing some things that I've gotten from her that indirectly made me the warrior that I am. Good topic sono.

_________________________
I can finally admit I pretend to say and do nice things so people will think I'm a standout guy.

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#302049 - 09/07/09 01:39 PM Re: moms [Re: GentleSoul]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
I wanted to add my two cents to this topic. Growing up I always felt my mom treated me differently. I felt like my twin brother was given preferential treatment over me. Used to piss me off so much.

One of the many examples is my brother used to get sick as most kids do. He would get spoiled and get to go to KFC, get icecream and just have a fun day off from school.

Well for me I would get sick and my mom would tell me to suck it up and go to school. Always hated that so much. I was envious of my brother.

Another embarrassing moment for me occurred when I was out walking one night around her neighborhood with her dogs. We ran into a neighbor and after my mom was chatting him up, he asked who was with her, she introduced her dogs over me and wouldn't shut up about the dogs. Finally after the neighbor could get a word in he said, no I meant the person with you. I was so embarrassed, pissed off, just fucking angry, I should've walked away but no I was too timid. Thanks Mom, love ya too.

I too felt ignored and I remember after finally telling my mother about my abuse, it seemed to bring us further apart. I remember one time she told me I needed to stop thinking about myself and start thinking about others.

My mom and I continue to grow farther apart. I personally believe she doesn't think I was sexually abused at all.

All of a sudden too she has become a bit of an expert on diagnosing people with various disorders. Great mom, woohoo. She thinks because she has the DSM she knows everything. She also seems to blame many of her problems on her father, who in her eyes is narcissistic.

I'm getting to a point where I just know this is my mom, accept her for what she is, tolerate her as best I can and live my life according to my values, not hers or anyone else's.

Thanks for letting me vent about my mom. Gets to me at times. Glad others know the pain I feel. It helps my friends.

Charlie.


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#302167 - 09/08/09 02:21 PM Re: moms [Re: Charlie24]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Mommy dearest,

I have more issues that stem from my relationship with my mother than anyone else. Including my perp and my csa. I learned at an early age to compartmentalize my life as much as possible to keep her away from the other areas of my life. I didn't share anything with her that was outside of my home life.
I grew up terrified of her irrational behaviors. it was like living with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. you never which one would be there when you got home.
but have to cut her some slack because my stepmother is almost as bad. Dad really knows how to pick some real winners.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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