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#301451 - 09/03/09 11:35 AM Re: What do I do? [Re: wnt2bsupportive]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hello.

I dont know if this is what your loved one is going through But - the statement about being NOT being a puppet on a string is hitting me HARD.

I am not good at expressing what I am feeling at times.

I have been out of control with lots of things believing I was ok. I was not aware of the csa until 3 years ago. I realize as the csa is being uncovered - the affects of the csa and it is the affects of the csa that I am connecting with the statement "puppet on a string"

Maybe he is struggling with same things or not. I left my ex-wife and kids 20 years ago for what I thought was ssa but now I know a different story.

Yes, we have a free will and sometimes that will gets nurtured by a terrible source. Until we recognise the source and the affects of the source we may not act in our own and others best interest.

Just offering my own insight.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#301457 - 09/03/09 12:14 PM Re: What do I do? [Re: DJsport]
MPackard Offline


Registered: 12/09/08
Posts: 43
Loc: MS
Want2be....I'd just like to send you a hug.
My H and I are about a year into therapy and we've been through a lot. He was molested at about the age of 9 and 10 by a neighborhood teen.
Things that have come out are sometimes hard to take. His acting out is bad (gay porn etc...) but his self loathing is the worst thing that I deal with. He feels dirty, embarassed, like a freak, self destructive and unworthy.
I have learned so much from this website and it has been a source of undertanding for me that you cant find IRL.
I was finally able to talk my H into looking here, it took a long time. He lurks but wont post but he's learning a lot, too.


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#301459 - 09/03/09 12:17 PM Re: What do I do? [Re: MPackard]
MPackard Offline


Registered: 12/09/08
Posts: 43
Loc: MS
And DJ, my H is just understanding that what happened to him years ago has effected his entire life. He's beginning to mourn the loss of his innocence and carefree childhood. He's also beginning to resent that his perp has, in fact, been controlling him for 40 years. I think that this knowledge is helping him to chart his own course.



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#301464 - 09/03/09 12:36 PM Re: What do I do? [Re: MPackard]
wnt2bsupportive Offline


Registered: 09/02/09
Posts: 15
I am hoping to convince him to read some information that a wonderful person sent me today. I know asking him to talk to anyone or even come to this site would be too much. I am hoping that he will read the information as I think it would at the minimum open his eyes and make him realize he is not alone.

I appreciate you sharing your information. My BF feels like he is scum and doesn't deserve to be around me or my daughter. I in no way worry about him with her. I know that he would NEVER hurt her or me for that matter.

I have so many times told him that he didn't make me a priority in his life and pushed him to step up more. I know realize that I was a priority or he wouldn't have been with me with all that he was going through. He is just not able to express it at this time the way I wanted him to.

I hope he realizes that at this point I'm not running, abandoning, or judging him. I am the only one that knows of his abuse and further more of what he has been doing. He says it kills him that it was me that found out. I can understand that. I think I found out for a purpose. I think I am supposed to know. I believe that we can get through this.

MPackard - How did you cope when you found out about his "acting out"? Or better yet....have you found a way to trust your husband again?


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#301484 - 09/03/09 02:13 PM Re: What do I do? [Re: wnt2bsupportive]
MPackard Offline


Registered: 12/09/08
Posts: 43
Loc: MS
Ha, not very well sometimes, I'm afraid. If you look at some of my older posts you'll see that I freaked out and acted a fool a lot of the time. It's hard.
I will say to you, though, we are working on trust. He has been able to actually tell me when he's having dreams that embarass him or flashbacks and even when he's having the urge to look at the porn again. I've found that when I quit lashing out and let him talk and he learned that I'm in it for the long haul and willing and ready to work through it with him he's a lot better. You can email or post to me anytime.


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#301494 - 09/03/09 03:19 PM Re: What do I do? [Re: MPackard]
GentleSoul Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 237
Loc: Manhattan
Hi wnt2bsupportive,

I applaud your efforts in helping your boyfriend. One thing I'd like to point, from experience, is that you be careful that you're not enabling him to continue what he's doing. I'm a survivor and my partner unfortunately has to put up with my crap. He used to be the classic enabler where he would acknowledge my acting out and yet does nothing to stop or help me. It seems to me you've been so caught up with your boyfriend's needs that maybe you're neglecting your own, and perish the thought - your daughter's too. I hope this isn't the case. I know you want to help the person you love but there's a wise old sage that goes, "You can't help someone unless they are willing to help themselves." Willingness is the key to recovery and unfortunately you can lead a horse to the water but you can't make him drink. Although there is some validity in the statement, "Before you can love someone else, you have to first learn to love yourself", I probably would be alone to this day if my partner weren't so clueless. Or maybe I'm lucky he's a codependent like me.
If you truly love this man, would you make the ultimate sacrifice to make him happy? What do you suppose would make him most happy? If he doesn't want any help, there's only so much you can do to persuade him. But ultimately he has to be willing to get help. There's also an old saying, "If you love someone, let them go; if they come back, it was meant to be. If not, then (maybe) it wasn't meant to be." I know it's a famous line and people think it's so wise and romantic. Personally, I think it's something only hopeless romantic co-dependents live by... But I digest. Hopefully your boyfriend will come around and get the help and support he needs. In the meantime, please make sure you are taking care of yourself and your daughter. Hmmmmmm... I wonder what it would be like to be in your daughter's shoes right now? I'm sure all this fighting and chaos must be stressful for her. Forgive me if I've come across as overbearing. I'm just humbly offering some perspectives and insights that you might not have considered. Good luck and may you find happiness and peace.

Best wishes,
Jay

_________________________
I can finally admit I pretend to say and do nice things so people will think I'm a standout guy.

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#301505 - 09/03/09 04:41 PM Re: What do I do? [Re: wnt2bsupportive]
MadDad Offline


Registered: 09/02/09
Posts: 4
Loc: Midwest
Wnt2
As long as you stand by him, you too will be a victim of his abuse but in a much different fashion. It is the nature of the beast and he will carry it with him throughout his life. As long as you choose to remain in his life, you will shoulder a part of that burden.

As his supporter, you must help him to integrate his experiences into his life because they will never "go away". Be there to guide him when he goes back to the bad place and be a hand for him to grab hold of when he is ready to climb out of the emotional hole he will inevitably fall into.
MD


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#301506 - 09/03/09 04:42 PM Re: What do I do? [Re: GentleSoul]
wnt2bsupportive Offline


Registered: 09/02/09
Posts: 15
Gentle Soul ~ Thank you for your insight. I welcome all sides not just the positive rah rah you can do it.

Since what is going on is so "new" I don't have answers to your questions at this time. They are definitely food for thought though.

As far as my daughter is concerned....she has ALWAYS come first and will ALWAYS come first. I have raised her on my own since she was born with the love and support of friends and family of course.

We do not fight in front of her and while we are only human really try not to let her know when something is going on. I know that children know so much more than we often think they do. I do of course have her best interest at heart and will do anything to protect her even if that means leaving him.

Thanks again!


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#301508 - 09/03/09 04:46 PM Re: What do I do? [Re: wnt2bsupportive]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Two books are a must read:

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew
Abused Boys by Mic Hunter

they can be ordered from Amazon through our bookstore portal on the MaleSurvivor home page.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#301540 - 09/03/09 09:16 PM Re: What do I do? [Re: WalkingSouth]
wnt2bsupportive Offline


Registered: 09/02/09
Posts: 15
This site is a true blessing. It has given (helped me find) patience and understanding I never thought I had in me. My boyfriend came home after work and we had a conversation. He opened up to me (as much as he can for now) about how he is feeling. He told me when the "acting out" started and how. He doesn't know exactly what triggered it but I know that will take time.

He also shared more of his past sexual experiences with girls (many many)and his lifestyle.

He still is not ready to talk to anyone. But the fact that he is talking to me about it means so much.

Thank you so much to everyone. I can't say it enough. I will continue to post and do further research here so that I can continue to grow and move forward.

Hope everyone has a wonderful evening!


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