I haven't been to this board in quite awhile. About two months ago I came to the realization that I was SA as a child, even though I have no memory of it happening. I was on this board every day for about a month. I was sober for about 4 months and then I started drinking again. I used to drink maybe a couple times a week before I quit, but since I started drinking again it has been almost everyday for the last month. I completely stopped thinking about being SA and couldn't figure out why I was drinking so much. It finally dawned on me the other day looking back at what I was dealing with before I started to drink and realized that I have not thought about being abused in the last month. So, I came to the realization that the reason I must be drinking so much is to keep myself from dealing with my abuse. It makes it even harder for me to really make it tangable since I have no memory of it ever happening, but I have always known that it did. So, I have decided to come back here, even though it causes me a lot of pain, because I know this is where I need to be. I know that the only way to heal myself is to talk about the root cause of all my negative feelings and actions. I almost have to just repeat it over and over again to myself that I was abused or my conciousness will use any means necassary to hide it from myself, like it has for the past 20 years. So I would just like to say hello again to everybody on this board. Thanks for listening.
"Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn't have it in the beginning." Mahatma Gandhi