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#301144 - 09/01/09 03:25 AM My Story (Possible Trigger)
tboy85 Offline


Registered: 08/31/09
Posts: 12
I have to say I honestly never thought that this would happen to me despite my past. I didn't think I was in danger around people I considered friends, even though they were new in my life. It sickening now that I actually liked this guy at one point, I thought he was so hot and I felt safe with him, but I kept it in because I wasn't out to anyone (even though most people knew because of my mannerisms). He introduced me to his friends, and for a socially awkward skinny black kid it was the best.


Ok. The night it happened we were hanging out in his apartment. I remember it was cold and wet outside and I remember him telling me that his roommate was gone for the night ( I don't know why that didn't signal a siren call or a red flag for me). It was the third time I was at his place, but the first time alone. We had a test coming up and we were doing some serious reviewing, I printed all my notes for him and we combined what we both had and began testing each other (standard stuff). We took a break and he offered me a beer, I don't really like beer but I said yes anyways (I should have left right there). He was in a good mood, I remember that and he started play fighting with me, which instantly made me uncomfortable because I don't really like to be touched much, after a few seconds I started getting more vocal about cutting it out and he got more physical, before I knew it he had me down and was on top of me. It shameful to say he overpowered me, but I was completely in his mercy, he held my hands and I was pinned under his weight that's when he started kissing my neck and going for my mouth. I freaked out and managed to break free, that's when he punched me on the side of the head. I come from a physically abusive home and went through a lot getting the sh*t beaten out of me as a kid, but I can honestly say I've never been punched like that before, it literally knocked the wind out of me and made everything go in slow motion. I tried to get up and he punched me again this time in the face and the next thing I knew he was choking me ( I remember thinking wow so this is how I go out). I remember hearing 'you move you die' and I believed him, I was too scared by then to even breathe as he took my clothes off. Then he raped me. I don't remember much about that except for the initial pain (and this sounds sick but I thought it was nice of him that he used lube). But most of it was pretty much a daze. Which I find weird because most of my csa I was this active participant (I know it was abuse because I was a kid) but recall everything so vividly because I was a part of it, but in this case it's like I wasn't even there, but I was still aware of what was happening. When he finished he got up and left the room. I wanted to run but I was frozen by fear, he came back it could have been five minutes or ten time was weird I was so lethargic. He got on top of me face to face this time and raped me again. A little after he was done he helped me get dressed and then he drove me home. I got into a car with the guy who just raped me how twisted is that? What an idiot I was! I think I barely slept for the next three days because of the nightmares. It took everything I had to show up for that test on Thursday and there he was chatting me up like nothing had happened. Being in his presence was terrifying I couldn't handle it. The fact that he was in my tutorial made it much worse. Tutorials are small classes with maybe 10-13 students sitting around one big table. First time I showed up he sat across from me smirking at me. That was it for me. Tutorials were 15% percent of your grade just for showing up and participating and I didn't bother showing up for that class. I rationalized it was February and we had maybe 6 or 7 tutorials left considering we have year long courses it wasn't that big of a loss. It took everything I had to hand in final papers in March ( all late of course), and God knows how I made it through exams. I just bottled it up and pretended like it didn't happen. I managed to contain it until I lost my sh*t during the summer, but lost it altogether in the beginning of the school year in September of 2004.


All of my friends that were connected with him quickly fell away because I couldn't deal being around him it literally made me ill and terrified at the same time. I was in a haze for most of 2004-2006 especially when it came to school and I did the bare minimum and even failed a class (I had never failed a course in my life and it permanently fucked up my GPA). Certain things would set me off like the smell of his cologne, one of my friends wore the same one once and I became nauseous. Guys that look sorta like him also freak me the hell out; it could be anything, something about the shape of his lips or huge hands, but it's usually a combination of his height brown hair and green eyes. I dropped a course in 4th year because a dude who could be his doppelganger was in that seminar ( it sounds insane I know, but I couldn't handle it). It took a whole year until I was ready to even take an STD test at a free clinic, and waiting for the results was torture. Thank God I'm ok. I also did worry about damage to my rectum because I was bleeding when it happened, but after being sore for a couple of days I was ok.

For years I managed to somehow separate what happened to me as a kid from the life I was living. Clearly I didn't do a very good job because the effects of csa permeate your whole life, but I managed to hold my sh*t together (despite the occasional bouts of depression). But this incident just sent me on a tail spin and dredged up everything all over again. I was a complete mess for almost 4 years and in a lot of ways still am, but I am far better than I was when I first came to forums like this and began sharing my story (first about csa and now this incident). I posted this story on another forum once, freaked out and deleted it (the shame is so overpowering sometimes) but I plan not to delete this one. I don't really know what else to say, but I know there's a lot I need to get off my chest.


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#301180 - 09/01/09 12:00 PM Re: My Story (Possible Trigger) [Re: tboy85]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, Tboy85.

I am honoured to hear your story. Welcome!!!!

I am sorry you are here due to such a horrendous experience but glad you here non the less.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#301199 - 09/01/09 02:50 PM Re: My Story (Possible Trigger) [Re: DJsport]
tboy85 Offline


Registered: 08/31/09
Posts: 12
Thanks DJsport. I have been on other great forums, but didn't know a place existed that was just for male survivors only, thanks to Mike79 for telling me about this place.


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#301201 - 09/01/09 03:23 PM Re: My Story (Possible Trigger) [Re: tboy85]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
I don't know why that didn't signal a siren call or a red flag for me


simple answer tboy: you had no hidden agenda, and your motives were pure, and you were there for honest reasons. for what reason would there have been forethought of being sexually violated? i mean, the world is a safe place, right? contrary to stereotypical beliefs, not all gay people are about ripping people's clothes off. sounds like you're one of the ones that don't fit into that box.

i feel terrible for you. but i don't know whether i feel worse that you were accosted, or that now you have yet one more reason to be wary of new relationships; to go from feeling 'safe' about things, to now have to second guess yourself, and begin to look for red flags where none seemed obvious.

my first rape experience was a bait and switch also [weren't they all?!], where i was led to believe something else was supposed to be happening in the situation......something that did not include me being backed into a corner with a knife at my throat, and then being fkt senseless and bloody. thinking about this makes me see a bit more clearly, how this easily could have been for me the start of a process of isolation in my life.

ah, the legacy of abuse is a cruel teacher in life's pain and heartache school: learning to mistrust your own judgments, and beginning to question people's motive in general.

i hope you don't lose your ability to trust, and gradually begin to avoid situations that are for most people the normal course of events in the ups and downs of life. i feel that i missed so many of my emotional and psychological rites of passage because i was too afraid to face life as a result of how csa and sa set me up to fear and mistrust.

still working on it, but maybe you won't have to take the long road home, since you've found male survivor. maybe you can find a shortcut, or better yet, it will find you!

all the best,

ron




_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#301205 - 09/01/09 03:36 PM Re: My Story (Possible Trigger) [Re: Sans Logos]
tboy85 Offline


Registered: 08/31/09
Posts: 12
Thank you that was beautiful. I guess it's true about hindsight being 20/20. I just never imagined it would be him that would do that to me. I trusted him, I felt safe with him, he was my friend. Worst yet his girlfriend was a friend of mine so I didn't even think he was remotely gay/bi.

I am trying to work on my trust issues, but I have to admit that that incident sent me off the deep end with ptsd, anxiety and panic attacks (which I had some sort of control over for while beforehand). I haven't been able to leave the house in a really long time. Going to school was torture, but I bit my tongue and went through it. Once I graduated last year though I've been at home and now I find myself at 24 with little to no job experience, and I wasted a year of my life afraid to step outside the house.



Edited by tboy85 (09/01/09 03:59 PM)

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