Newest Members
Robert Barrett, lostsoul824, beatcook, MassGuy, wiresguy1
12278 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
carter (51), CAW1980 (34), Fissy Tsickens (53), Kris (52), Wheatthins (23)
Who's Online
1 registered (md4e), 29 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12278 Members
73 Forums
63172 Topics
441743 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#299572 - 08/16/09 09:01 PM Losing My Best Friend
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
This isn't really survivor-related, except that I have a habit of losing complete contact with people I was once extremely close to. I haven't seen my friends from college since college. I haven't seen my friends from high school since high school. I feel like a soul who keeps being reincarnated. I barely spoke for ten years. I was openly gay for several years, before returning to ambiguity. Just over the last year, or two, I've adopted the personality of a jester. I'm never serious, always joking around. I was somber and shy for so long. I used to be a doormat, now it's a struggle to control my temper.

My best friend has been the same person for about six years. We go to bars every weekend, or used to. He's the only one I call. He's my strongest connection to the outside world. The rift started more than a year ago, when his much younger lover contracted HIV and committed suicide. Others blamed my friend. My friend wouldnít leave his former boyfriend for him, though he and his new, younger boyfriend were totally in love. Their arrangement was something out of ďBig Love,Ē and it was sick. My friend introduced his younger boyfriend to bars, hedonism and carefree sex. I defended my friend, but secretly, I judged him too. The experience devastated my friend. Though he never admitted it, I know he feels guilty everyday.

Perhaps in reaction to this tragedy, my friend became involved with a man closer to his age. This guy doesnít like to go out, so my friend stopped going out. This guy is friendly and generous, but I could always tell he felt threatened by my friendís friends. So, my friend only sees us occasionally. I think heís turned my friend against me. I learned, from someone else, that my friendís boyfriend is throwing a surprise birthday party for my friend. I don't think I'm invited. My friend and his new friends (his boyfriendís friends) lie to me. They say theyíre not going out when they are. When Iím with them, I can sense that they think Iím weird. Mostly, they make fun of my disinterest in men. Why donít I sleep with anyone? Something must be wrong with me.

It hurts. But maybe it was inevitable. Other than the company I keep, Iíve pretty much stopped being gay. These days, many of my crushes are on girls. I havenít had sex in about a year and a half. Iíve always wondered what would happen if I married a woman. Iíd probably cut off all ties with my friend. Iíd want to forget this chapter in my life. So, Iím not so angry that my friend ended it before I could. Itís almost a relief. But I do feel sad, more when Iím with him than when Iím not.

ďYouíre acting like a stranger.Ē I think.

I get nostalgic about all the friends Iíve lost. Itís been my pattern: Major lifestyle change: Different outlook: Goodbye buddies. Do I fight it, or should I accept it? Iím not happy where I am. Maybe I do need to lose the ones I care about to move on.



Top
#299589 - 08/16/09 11:30 PM Re: Losing My Best Friend [Re: Bewlayb1]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Sometimes I think that cycle of lose reflects our detachment from ourselves. In recovery, we need to reconnect with the most sensitive parts of ourselves because we disconnect from them to survive the abuse and its aftermath. We also disconnected with our friends, family, etc. during the abuse. We build a wall that we couldn't let others (and even parts of ourselves) see inside.

I sometimes wonder if these best friends that have come and gone were really best friends or just friends of the moment. When they aren't around, I don't really miss them that much. When they aren't around calling or emailing them just doesn't seem that important - it isn't enough so I don't bother. It's like be here or forget it. I've lost touch with so many "best friends" because they move out of state and our lives diverge and move on without the other.

Best friends out of convience... maybe it is good way of "being close" to someone without ever really connecting with them. That way when they leave we are sorry that they are gone but the loss is more social than soulful.

Don't kow really, I'm just kind of free flowing it here.

But I've been nostalgic for friends from the past. Been using Facebook to catch up with people.

One of my best friends, and we are still close but since he moved we don't talk that much, did something similar. He is the type that delves into the life of the person that he is dating. We used to cook dinner together every Thursday and watch Will & Grace. It was a very important part of my week and we both really enjoyed the time together. We'd become friend when we each were going through a breakup and we'd traveled together and had some really great adventures. One week he didn't show up. He'd met some guy at a bar two nights before and they hadn't been apart except for work. This went on for weeks. He ended up leaving most of his friends behind. His new boyfriend's friends were his friends and his life evolved around his new beau. We were all left in the dust.

Maybe you should see if just the two of you can go out to have dinner or a drink. Then talk to him about it. See where is head is and what's going on. I think you would have more fun having a birthday dinner with him than going to a party thrown by his new boyfriend where you are going to feel judged and unwanted by that group of guys.

Originally Posted By: Bewlayb1
Maybe I do need to lose the ones I care about to move on.

I've wondered that too. I'm throwing a part this coming Saturday where I've invited people from different periods of my life. They've never met and it looks to be a very odd crowd when it comes down to it. But instead of trying to be a good host and blending people so they have a good time, this is all about me. These are the people I want to connect with.

Is it possible to stay connect to people you care about and still move forward? I guess this Saturday may be a good test of that.

Either way, if you try to move on, you still of all of us here at MS. You don't have to leave us behind.

Hang in there... peace and love...

Michael



Edited by M3 (08/16/09 11:31 PM)
Edit Reason: formatting.

Top
#299627 - 08/17/09 10:06 AM Re: Losing My Best Friend [Re: M3]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
I am going through some of the same life cycle changes so I understand what your saying.

My partner of 8 years was/is not talking to me and alot of my friendships are changing because of this. I know what your saying about the "gay" community being so sexually out there. For myself I take credit for knowing myself as I think some of the gay community is NOT aware of their own issues.

What I need to remember is I am NOT the only one who is changing. I need to remember this as I am very hard on myself and I isolate when I am hard on myself.

As Michael mentioned we are here for you.

I know for me the

I know this is tough.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

Top
#299643 - 08/17/09 12:05 PM Re: Losing My Best Friend [Re: DJsport]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
I too am going through the life change cycle; it can be very challenging at times, especially when those around you aren't open and accepting to your need for change.

Just today I read this status of a friend on facebook and it just really hit me, "your life will change, when you change your life."

We are responsible for our own happiness, not those around us.

Good luck Bewlayb1 and DJ.

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

Top
#299812 - 08/18/09 06:17 PM Re: Losing My Best Friend [Re: TNuss]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Thanks guys. I've missed your thoughtful, sensitive responses, Michael. I often also question the authenticity of my friendships. No matter how close I am with someone, there's still a wall between us. I feel as if no one has ever known the real me. I understand what you're saying about our friendships being those of convenience. For example, I never told my best friend that I was abused. Abuse is such a fundamental part of who I am, so how could he possibly know me?

But after thinking about it, I decided my friendships are genuine. I do care about my friends. When one of my best friends committed suicide, I was devastated. But it was strange. I wasn't grieving in my thoughts. When I became choked up talking about him, or broke down, or withdrew from my coworkers, it was as if I was watching myself mourn. Nevertheless, the bonds are real. They're visible in my face, my behavior, my writing. I know the emotions exist, even if I feel disconnected from them.

My best friend seems to gravitate towards these kinds of intense, destructive relationships. There's no stopping him. Others have tried. I even forgive his boyfriend. The same insecurity which makes him resent all my friend's friends is probably what also makes him kind and eager to please. No use fighting it. Maybe my friend is ultimately better off. He's not sleeping around or having threesomes anymore. It's the first time since I've known him that he's been faithful.

I won't judge my friend. And I won't judge myself either, for not making more of an effort to keep him. People change. They want different things. They grow apart. There's nothing to feel guilty about.

Thanks again for your insights.


Top
#300062 - 08/20/09 10:36 PM Re: Losing My Best Friend [Re: Bewlayb1]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
First, thanks for your kind words. smile
Originally Posted By: Bewlayb1
I won't judge my friend. And I won't judge myself either, for not making more of an effort to keep him. People change. They want different things. They grow apart. There's nothing to feel guilty about.

That is really impressive. I think you hit on somethings that everyone needs to keep in mind:

  • We can't change our friends - we should appreciate them for who they are and enjoy them.
  • If our friends change, wax and wane, come and go, that doesn't reflect on us.


Take care and keep moving forward! Peace and love...

Michael


Top
#300927 - 08/30/09 04:21 AM Re: Losing My Best Friend [Re: Bewlayb1]
nomansanisland Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/09
Posts: 156
Loc: NM
you have to keep people around you who are like you.....sounds like a bunch of careless people...
man, does it hurt to be alone?
whats in it for you?...
better to be alone, realize the changes in yourself and move foreward with all the friends who embrace the new changes and let the rest drift off..or away...

i hate to be lied to, youre being ditched also...forget them,
can it be ok to have some morality?
sure it can,

youve outgrown your party friends...it really gets you nowhere but broke from buying bar drinks,,,and feeling sleezy for all the hedonisms...

could it be that youre maturing or has the csa taken your libido and desire is gone till you fix you???
write me back...just a thought or two...nomansanisland



Edited by nomansanisland (08/30/09 04:23 AM)
Edit Reason: typos
_________________________
" If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drum. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." Henry David Thoreau

Top
#300937 - 08/30/09 11:37 AM Re: Losing My Best Friend [Re: nomansanisland]
ComicBookGuy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 443
Loc: London, England
As you said it's not survivor related, nor does sexuality come into it either. Plenty of ex-friends of mine have had health problems and that's when they've gone off to try and recover, others have emigrated, and in one case, they're family. I changed both landline and mobile phone numbers recently and I don't do Facebook so anyone without my email address is pretty much gone from my life as well.

However, I do have friends, I see them regularly, but if they for example go travelling, then I'm happy for them and will see them when they get back, if they grew up in my street and I'm still close with their parents through my own relatives, then great, when we meet we talk and it's like old times but we have our own lives, I'm not overly emotionally attached to them anymore, I'm trying to make my own life here. So it's a balance.

For the one friendship that ended when I disclosed, I'm better off without that kind of person that pretends to be all right about something when they're uncomfortable. Blocked him on MSN in the end and didn't respond to an email where he said he couldn't come to my birthday...when I hadn't invited him in the first place. I hate fake people so it was no loss to break off contact for good, he was only a work friend anyhow and those relationships are always more fragile in my case.



Edited by ComicBookGuy (08/30/09 11:40 AM)
_________________________
- CBG

Top
#300971 - 08/30/09 05:02 PM Re: Losing My Best Friend [Re: ComicBookGuy]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Hey guys,

Comic Book Guy, the way you describe your friendships, losing friends does seem just like a normal process in life. Certain factors are related to my CSA: doubting the authenticity of my feelings, my isolation, sexual confusion, etc. But since almost all my behavior can be traced to the abuse, I can pretty much blame everything bad that happens on the CSA. Seeing the world in that light is counterproductive. It's important to remember that if I hadn't been abused, I'd still be saddened by the loss of old friends. Reading your post, it sounds like you're wise enough to realize that.

Nomanisanisland, I thought about your questions. I guess it is baffling why I'm friends with these promiscuous, bar-hopping drunks. I enjoy drinking on the weekends, but spend most of my free time writing, or reading. It's been my pattern for awhile. In high school, I almost never spoke. I didn't drink. I didn't curse. I was very studious. I should have been friends with the other nerds, right? But my friends drank, had sex, did weed, smoked cigarettes. They seemed to adore me, despite the fact that I was practically mute and secretly very crazy. They treated me like a little brother. Those years were hell, but they made them slightly more bearable.

With a fresh start in college, I did befriend a bunch of hardworking, stay at home types. Among them was that pedophile I wrote about in my last post. In our clique, there were four guys, including myself. All of us came out of the closet, at least as bi, by senior year. I still remember some of them fondly, but as a whole, I didn't belong with them. Sophomore year, I drifted apart from them. I think the problem was that I was too observant. Despite being shy, good-natured, moral and intellectual, I can't stand those who pretend to be perfect. At first glance, I knew my college friends were sexually repressed. I knew that they ran from their demons. From the outside, we looked like a bunch of Ned Flanderses. Inside, my sanity was rotting away. One of us was considering destroying a little boy's soul. One of us dated women, and kissed me out of nowhere one of the first times he got drunk. One of us said he was straight, but was incredibly possessive and jealous over any handsome male around.

People have asked me outright, why do I hang out with such hot-messes. I think I learned the greatest danger lurks behind masks of normality. My abuser was handsome, friendly, well-liked, married. Everyone carries around some darkness. I'm good at perceiving it. You can understand why I tend to trust those whose human failings are so obvious.

As for your other questions, yes, it does hurt to be alone. But I doubt I'll find a sense of belongingness with a circle of friends who are ostensibly more like me. I think that will only come with love and family. Regarding the death of my libido, I think it's a combination of maturity and the CSA. With time, I grew to understand the meaninglessness of sex TO ME. I realized that happiness would be easier to achieve by taking sex out of the equation.

Thanks again for your posts. You gave me a lot to think about.


Top


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.