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#300619 - 08/26/09 05:24 PM How to support my son?
Dad of 2 Offline


Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 3
I have 2 children, a girl of 23 and boy of 19. My son has behavioural and learning difficulties as well as medical issues.

After my wife died I found dealing with him difficult. As a result I allowed my brother to "care" for him on and off. He abused him from age 4 until 13, then again at age 15. I did not know about the abuse, unbelievable with hindsight but somehow I missed the glaringly obvious signs.

I have always had a problem with controlling my anger, consequently (I have received training and counselling) Social Services removed him from my care when he was 17 and he is living in accommodation provided for adults with difficulties.

I'm here for advice as I have recently discovered my son is being targeted an older man in his accommodation. His teacher has informed the head of the accommodation who has intervened. My son does not know I am aware of this and apparently is terrified that I find out (to a point that he prefer the situation to remain unchanged)

My main concern is that my son is unable to protect himself from any future unwanted sexual advances. His therapist has told us that he will continue to find himself targeted until he is able to break the cycle himself.

I recognise my responsibility for this situation but I need advice on how to support him to break the cycle, we have had a similar problem of him being unable to rebuff unwanted sexual advances at his school. Despite my failings as a parent I love my son very much and want him to have as happy, fulfilling and normal life as possible.

Any ideas would be appreciated.


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#300621 - 08/26/09 05:58 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: Dad of 2]
boylikeme Offline


Registered: 08/10/09
Posts: 546
Loc: hell

wow.. i wish my dad ever thought bout supporting me..

i dunno but if i was your son id just like to know that youre there for me n that i could come to you if i needed anything.. even if it is just someone to listen.. n that if i told you anything that youd believe me

dont think id want anything else

_________________________
Everybody’s screaming - I try to make a sound but no one hears me (Untitled - Simple Plan)

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#300683 - 08/27/09 11:45 AM Re: How to support my son? [Re: boylikeme]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 371
Is he in therapy?


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#300712 - 08/27/09 07:23 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: sugarbaby]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Hello!

I am very sorry to hear that this has happened to your son.

Does he have a therapist that deals specificaly with child sexual assault issues? This is very important. A regular behavioral therapist will not due.

My son was CSA'd when he was four years old. I understand what you mean about missing the signs, it is an overwhelming revelation that would drive any parent over the edge..

Please feel free to PM me with any questions.

Take care,
Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#300721 - 08/27/09 10:12 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: didi]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: didi
Does he have a therapist that deals specificaly with child sexual assault issues? This is very important. A regular behavioral therapist will not due.


Didi,

Tell us, if you don't mind, how did you go about finding the therapist with that kind of training? Do you have to live near a very large city?

I am not asking for myself, but I'm sure there are others who would like to know.

Allen

pufferfish


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#300754 - 08/28/09 07:31 AM Re: How to support my son? [Re: pufferfish]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Allen,

The evening after the discovery I did A LOT of research about this as well as talking to The Child Victim Advocacy Center.

I pulled this out of an article from:
Renee Z. Dominguez, Ph.D.*
Connie F. Nelke, Ph.D.**
Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D.***



For:
Encyclopedia of Crime & Punishment


Intervention

There are several modalities of psychological treatment that have demonstrated positive benefits for child victims of sexual abuse. These include individual psychotherapy, group-based psychotherapy, and treatments that involve the entire family. When treatment for this population is trauma-focused, structured, and targets the specific symptoms of sexual abuse, it can be effective at reducing short-term and long-term effects. Individual treatment usually involves the child and a therapist meeting together for an hour a week. The therapist may be a master’s level clinician, social worker, psychologist, or psychiatrist. Despite varied professional backgrounds, it is important that the treating therapist have specific training and expertise in working with child victims of sexual abuse. Different techniques may be used to process the sexual abuse experience, normalize reactions, and develop adaptive coping strategies to address symptoms of depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Trauma-focused play therapy, trauma-focused cognitive-behavioral therapy, and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy are all specific individual child-focused interventions that may be appropriate treatment for child sexual abuse. Group-based psychotherapy can be particularly powerful for sexual abuse victims; they are exposed to other victims and subsequently do not feel alone. Moreover, this modality is useful in helping child victims understand that people cannot simply look at them and identify them as a sexual abuse victim. Treatment interventions that involve the entire family include family preservation services, attachment-trauma therapy, and Parents United programs. The focus of these interventions is to strengthen the parent-child relationship in order to help process the trauma and to ultimately increase the level of family functioning.

Dad of 2, This is the type of therapy that your son would benefit from.....

http://www.modelprograms.samhsa.gov/pdfs/model/CBT_CSA.pdf

Take care,

Didi


_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#300766 - 08/28/09 10:29 AM Re: How to support my son? [Re: didi]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Dad of 2,

His therapist has told us that he will continue to find himself targeted until he is able to break the cycle himself.

With no disrespect to your son's current therapist....

Children who have these issues can't break the cycle by themselves. They need an experienced CSA therapist to help them work through it all. RED flags went off when I read that, If it were my son I would definately seek alternate options.

Take care,

Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#300771 - 08/28/09 11:21 AM Re: How to support my son? [Re: didi]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, Dad of 2.

Welcome. I am sorry your son has experienced this event is his life. I am sorry your experiencing this as well.

The advice above is great so, I will not add to it. I would add input for you as his father from my heart as a father. I am distant from my kids for various reasons but, the main issue I think I share with you is the distance. SO, with this issue in mind I will add my input.

My heart goes out to you. This must really be affecting you and your family. I can see protection for your son would come from many directions with you his father being the core provider. Love him and show him you love him like never before. You might already be doing this. I would imagine -because I dont know your situation - this is tough to be dealing with considering all of the various issues. If you have not heard it yet - this is incest. There is another active/current post. The title states - adult incest - but there is other links posted by Sans - one of the mods -

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=300691#Post300691

I would say spend as much time with him as you can and take care of yourself.

At the end of the day, you need to be at peace with yourself as much as possible.

Give yourself a break and be gentle with yourself. I would be having a hard time with this.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#300774 - 08/28/09 11:46 AM . [Re: didi]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 09:16 PM)

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#300790 - 08/28/09 03:33 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: bardo213]
Dad of 2 Offline


Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 3
Thank you for all your responses, your support has been amazing.

He is in therapy and has been since I found out about the abuse, we decided on a play therapist who specialised in CSA and EDs. He's been working on a range of issues and seems to have made breakthroughs in every one apart from learning to rebuff advances. I'm looking for a new therapist so will keep all the information given in mind, many thanks.

I have told him repeatedly that I am willing to listen, that I believe him etc. He remains unwilling to talk with me about anything to do with his abuse, his feelings etc. This is probably due to my past reactions to his behaviour; he is however open to some adults in his life which is positive.

You've all given me a great deal to think about.


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#300795 - 08/28/09 04:02 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: Dad of 2]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, dad of 2.

It sounds like you have a handle on it.

Like Lynchmob stated about have alot of patience with him. He needs you eventhough he might be upset with you.

Bravo!!!!

Little steps right.

As far the csa and your role he might be upset with you for awhile as he might be upset that you left him in the care of his abuser. I was upset with my dad for while and still am from time to time of course he still has nothing to do with me. My dad was there when I was being raped/abused and hung out with his nephew who was my abuser. Sorry if this is overwhelming.

Good luck to you.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#300800 - 08/28/09 04:52 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: Dad of 2]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: Dad of 2
I'm here for advice as I have recently discovered my son is being targeted an older man in his accommodation. His teacher has informed the head of the accommodation who has intervened.


It's good someone there "intervened" - but he's still there, and it sounds like the perpetrator is still there. In my opinion - it's time to get Social Services involved again until that person is removed permanently from the home.

And if they don't want to get involved, or are "too busy" - meet with the D.A.'s office and inform them. If you have a verified attempt on abuse - SOMEBODY needs to overhaul that place. ... in my not very humble opinion ...

M


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#300808 - 08/28/09 06:13 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: MarkK]
Dad of 2 Offline


Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 3
I've strongly considered informing social services but my son has not even told me about the latest issue himself and will not make a formal statement. My son is dependent upon routine and familiarity to such an extent that a change in accomodation would set him back hugely.
In discussion with the head of accommodation he said he would move my son rather than the perpetrator. He informed me this was policy as my son is the newest there; he didn't say it was due to the challenges my son presents which I expect is part of the reason.
It seems my hands are tied and despite wanting to bring him to live with me I know that I cannot provide him with a stable enough environment for him to thrive within.


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#300812 - 08/28/09 07:13 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: Dad of 2]
seeker43 Offline


Registered: 06/12/09
Posts: 34
Loc: jalisco, mexico
Dad of 2 - From my heart, I`d just like to say be there for him when he calls out for you. That was maybe the most important thing in my life. I had a lot of major(a lot of them misplaced) issues with my own dad, but when I really needed him most he was there, 100%. For myself, I misplaced a lot of my anger etc about what my uncle did to me on my father. It was very hard for him, but we got through it. Only now do I realize what an extremely patient and good man he was. Good luck, Scott


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#300837 - 08/29/09 12:35 AM Re: How to support my son? [Re: Dad of 2]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: Dad of 2
In discussion with the head of accommodation he said he would move my son rather than the perpetrator
(Emphasis mine)

Maybe I've been involved with the system too long . . . I'm guessing the perpetrator is another resident and not employee. Even at that - - -

I dunno... just sounds like they're trying to sweep it under the rug.

M


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#301383 - 09/02/09 08:39 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: Dad of 2]
MadDad Offline


Registered: 09/02/09
Posts: 4
Loc: Midwest
Wow Dad of 2!

You got alot of great advice here so there's not much I can add except this.
Let your sone know where YOU screwed up, trust isn't free and if you trust him with your own demons, consistently, he may trust you in return sooner than you think.
My son and I went through a similar situation and we are as close as ever now. He did not tell me of his abuse 'til many years after the situation.
Keep after it and be a safe place, not matter what he has to say about your own past behaviour.
MD


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#302265 - 09/08/09 11:54 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: Dad of 2]
faithjoy Offline


Registered: 09/08/09
Posts: 11
Loc: USA
I am a mother of two survivors and a survior myself and have just found an online source for the nonpffending parent. it is young in its organizational stages but you the parent issues are so very differnt then the survivor issues and Both are equally as painful but very different.

arielssolace.org itsa beta site and forum that looks like it started a just recently but I know there is so much to deal with the child. and the incest and the pains and how to helo pthe child there is very little out there for the parent and the issues having your very world rocked by betrayal causes also to the adults. us the protectors that have to deal with the fact that despite all our efforts we failed.

very painful in a very differnt way .. and therapy in my experience does has not reached to us fully although it is getting there so we must speak out as Nonoffending Parents so Our voice can be heard and all the other Nonoffending secondary victims of incest.

I hear your pain I also know it is real and deep.

_________________________
I am the mother of two survivors. And Also a Survivor Now trying to help other secondary victims of CSA. - sorry ahead of time for many typos - T have a silly notebook and no spell checker a bad combination.

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#302271 - 09/09/09 12:38 AM Re: How to support my son? [Re: faithjoy]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2469
Loc: UK
"His therapist has told us that he will continue to find himself targeted until he is able to break the cycle himself."

Funny, red flags went off for me when i read that also Didi (we are on the same wavelength), although for slightly different reasons, but with the same conclusion that the current therapist simply doesn't sound particularly good.

Lewis

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#302272 - 09/09/09 12:41 AM Re: How to support my son? [Re: king tut]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2469
Loc: UK
Faithjoy, not to hijack this thread, but i was wondering, you talk of non-offending parents, is this to imply that your partner was the offender in your childrens case? (sorry to not be familiar with your story).

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#302390 - 09/10/09 01:40 AM Re: How to support my son? [Re: Dad of 2]
alan55 Offline


Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 202
Loc: Seattle, WA
You have done what you can in the situation you found yourself in. Having a spouse/significant other die is traumatic in itself. Then to discover this abuse as well. My heart goes out to you. I'm a Dad ,too. I cannot imagine having done to my children what was done to me (or your son,for that matter). Get yourself some safe men to talk to. You need support,too. Lots to process and you deserve to be able to do that for your own mental health and well-being. When you are getting your balance in all of this, you'll be able to support your son more. He very well could come around and begin to trust you. One can never tell....


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#302647 - 09/13/09 01:49 AM Re: How to support my son? [Re: alan55]
faithjoy Offline


Registered: 09/08/09
Posts: 11
Loc: USA
yes ... sometimes the offender is the one you promised your life too. and that... shall we say .... ended that.

the 2 minute version of my story is found on http://arielssolace.org/wordpress/?page_id=8



Edited by faithjoy (09/13/09 02:58 AM)
Edit Reason: added info
_________________________
I am the mother of two survivors. And Also a Survivor Now trying to help other secondary victims of CSA. - sorry ahead of time for many typos - T have a silly notebook and no spell checker a bad combination.

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#302648 - 09/13/09 01:59 AM Re: How to support my son? [Re: alan55]
faithjoy Offline


Registered: 09/08/09
Posts: 11
Loc: USA
You know I understand what happens to a mother when she has to protect her children in a legal system that does not always help us at all.

I understand being a MomDad since I have been a single mother most of the last 15 years with little to no fathers support.

But I have to say I cannot fully know what it would be like for a father to deal with these issues.

I am proud of you for standing by your son. The System sometimes fails us, it did me. Then we are just faced with the choice do we make the most of the pieces we are left with or do we cry over the ones that are lost.

I hope we all learn to choose the good that is all around us once our eyes can see through the tears again! clarity comes ... and the sun does shine again!

_________________________
I am the mother of two survivors. And Also a Survivor Now trying to help other secondary victims of CSA. - sorry ahead of time for many typos - T have a silly notebook and no spell checker a bad combination.

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#304236 - 09/25/09 09:00 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: alan55]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
dad of 2..

maybe there's no much advice i can give you i dont know ... i'm 19 too and it happened during all my childhood but it hasnt stopped yet. This yr i was inpatient in a mental health center and this shit happened with a male nurse there. i said nothing because i have experience with this. It had happened bfore, when i was 13. They dont give a shit and you already exposed yourself.. and more shit has happened since. i've been told about the cycle. how the hell do you f* break the cycle yourself?

maybe i shouldnt say anytihng, i don't know anything and this is even triggering but i'd say help... for some stupid reason some ppl has a label on their forehead or something and this never stops. if u are there dont wait for him to tell you anything just move heaven and earth to take him out of there and make sure a t knows how to help him break that f* cycle..


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