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#300795 - 08/28/09 04:02 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: Dad of 2]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, dad of 2.

It sounds like you have a handle on it.

Like Lynchmob stated about have alot of patience with him. He needs you eventhough he might be upset with you.

Bravo!!!!

Little steps right.

As far the csa and your role he might be upset with you for awhile as he might be upset that you left him in the care of his abuser. I was upset with my dad for while and still am from time to time of course he still has nothing to do with me. My dad was there when I was being raped/abused and hung out with his nephew who was my abuser. Sorry if this is overwhelming.

Good luck to you.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#300800 - 08/28/09 04:52 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: Dad of 2]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: Dad of 2
I'm here for advice as I have recently discovered my son is being targeted an older man in his accommodation. His teacher has informed the head of the accommodation who has intervened.


It's good someone there "intervened" - but he's still there, and it sounds like the perpetrator is still there. In my opinion - it's time to get Social Services involved again until that person is removed permanently from the home.

And if they don't want to get involved, or are "too busy" - meet with the D.A.'s office and inform them. If you have a verified attempt on abuse - SOMEBODY needs to overhaul that place. ... in my not very humble opinion ...

M


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#300808 - 08/28/09 06:13 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: MarkK]
Dad of 2 Offline


Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 3
I've strongly considered informing social services but my son has not even told me about the latest issue himself and will not make a formal statement. My son is dependent upon routine and familiarity to such an extent that a change in accomodation would set him back hugely.
In discussion with the head of accommodation he said he would move my son rather than the perpetrator. He informed me this was policy as my son is the newest there; he didn't say it was due to the challenges my son presents which I expect is part of the reason.
It seems my hands are tied and despite wanting to bring him to live with me I know that I cannot provide him with a stable enough environment for him to thrive within.


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#300812 - 08/28/09 07:13 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: Dad of 2]
seeker43 Offline


Registered: 06/12/09
Posts: 34
Loc: jalisco, mexico
Dad of 2 - From my heart, I`d just like to say be there for him when he calls out for you. That was maybe the most important thing in my life. I had a lot of major(a lot of them misplaced) issues with my own dad, but when I really needed him most he was there, 100%. For myself, I misplaced a lot of my anger etc about what my uncle did to me on my father. It was very hard for him, but we got through it. Only now do I realize what an extremely patient and good man he was. Good luck, Scott


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#300837 - 08/29/09 12:35 AM Re: How to support my son? [Re: Dad of 2]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: Dad of 2
In discussion with the head of accommodation he said he would move my son rather than the perpetrator
(Emphasis mine)

Maybe I've been involved with the system too long . . . I'm guessing the perpetrator is another resident and not employee. Even at that - - -

I dunno... just sounds like they're trying to sweep it under the rug.

M


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#301383 - 09/02/09 08:39 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: Dad of 2]
MadDad Offline


Registered: 09/02/09
Posts: 4
Loc: Midwest
Wow Dad of 2!

You got alot of great advice here so there's not much I can add except this.
Let your sone know where YOU screwed up, trust isn't free and if you trust him with your own demons, consistently, he may trust you in return sooner than you think.
My son and I went through a similar situation and we are as close as ever now. He did not tell me of his abuse 'til many years after the situation.
Keep after it and be a safe place, not matter what he has to say about your own past behaviour.
MD


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#302265 - 09/08/09 11:54 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: Dad of 2]
faithjoy Offline


Registered: 09/08/09
Posts: 11
Loc: USA
I am a mother of two survivors and a survior myself and have just found an online source for the nonpffending parent. it is young in its organizational stages but you the parent issues are so very differnt then the survivor issues and Both are equally as painful but very different.

arielssolace.org itsa beta site and forum that looks like it started a just recently but I know there is so much to deal with the child. and the incest and the pains and how to helo pthe child there is very little out there for the parent and the issues having your very world rocked by betrayal causes also to the adults. us the protectors that have to deal with the fact that despite all our efforts we failed.

very painful in a very differnt way .. and therapy in my experience does has not reached to us fully although it is getting there so we must speak out as Nonoffending Parents so Our voice can be heard and all the other Nonoffending secondary victims of incest.

I hear your pain I also know it is real and deep.

_________________________
I am the mother of two survivors. And Also a Survivor Now trying to help other secondary victims of CSA. - sorry ahead of time for many typos - T have a silly notebook and no spell checker a bad combination.

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#302271 - 09/09/09 12:38 AM Re: How to support my son? [Re: faithjoy]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
"His therapist has told us that he will continue to find himself targeted until he is able to break the cycle himself."

Funny, red flags went off for me when i read that also Didi (we are on the same wavelength), although for slightly different reasons, but with the same conclusion that the current therapist simply doesn't sound particularly good.

Lewis

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#302272 - 09/09/09 12:41 AM Re: How to support my son? [Re: king tut]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
Faithjoy, not to hijack this thread, but i was wondering, you talk of non-offending parents, is this to imply that your partner was the offender in your childrens case? (sorry to not be familiar with your story).

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#302390 - 09/10/09 01:40 AM Re: How to support my son? [Re: Dad of 2]
alan55 Offline


Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 202
Loc: Seattle, WA
You have done what you can in the situation you found yourself in. Having a spouse/significant other die is traumatic in itself. Then to discover this abuse as well. My heart goes out to you. I'm a Dad ,too. I cannot imagine having done to my children what was done to me (or your son,for that matter). Get yourself some safe men to talk to. You need support,too. Lots to process and you deserve to be able to do that for your own mental health and well-being. When you are getting your balance in all of this, you'll be able to support your son more. He very well could come around and begin to trust you. One can never tell....


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