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#300619 - 08/26/09 05:24 PM How to support my son?
Dad of 2 Offline


Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 3
I have 2 children, a girl of 23 and boy of 19. My son has behavioural and learning difficulties as well as medical issues.

After my wife died I found dealing with him difficult. As a result I allowed my brother to "care" for him on and off. He abused him from age 4 until 13, then again at age 15. I did not know about the abuse, unbelievable with hindsight but somehow I missed the glaringly obvious signs.

I have always had a problem with controlling my anger, consequently (I have received training and counselling) Social Services removed him from my care when he was 17 and he is living in accommodation provided for adults with difficulties.

I'm here for advice as I have recently discovered my son is being targeted an older man in his accommodation. His teacher has informed the head of the accommodation who has intervened. My son does not know I am aware of this and apparently is terrified that I find out (to a point that he prefer the situation to remain unchanged)

My main concern is that my son is unable to protect himself from any future unwanted sexual advances. His therapist has told us that he will continue to find himself targeted until he is able to break the cycle himself.

I recognise my responsibility for this situation but I need advice on how to support him to break the cycle, we have had a similar problem of him being unable to rebuff unwanted sexual advances at his school. Despite my failings as a parent I love my son very much and want him to have as happy, fulfilling and normal life as possible.

Any ideas would be appreciated.


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#300621 - 08/26/09 05:58 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: Dad of 2]
boylikeme Offline


Registered: 08/10/09
Posts: 546
Loc: hell

wow.. i wish my dad ever thought bout supporting me..

i dunno but if i was your son id just like to know that youre there for me n that i could come to you if i needed anything.. even if it is just someone to listen.. n that if i told you anything that youd believe me

dont think id want anything else

_________________________
Everybody’s screaming - I try to make a sound but no one hears me (Untitled - Simple Plan)

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#300683 - 08/27/09 11:45 AM Re: How to support my son? [Re: boylikeme]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 362
Is he in therapy?


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#300712 - 08/27/09 07:23 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: sugarbaby]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Hello!

I am very sorry to hear that this has happened to your son.

Does he have a therapist that deals specificaly with child sexual assault issues? This is very important. A regular behavioral therapist will not due.

My son was CSA'd when he was four years old. I understand what you mean about missing the signs, it is an overwhelming revelation that would drive any parent over the edge..

Please feel free to PM me with any questions.

Take care,
Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#300721 - 08/27/09 10:12 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: didi]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: didi
Does he have a therapist that deals specificaly with child sexual assault issues? This is very important. A regular behavioral therapist will not due.


Didi,

Tell us, if you don't mind, how did you go about finding the therapist with that kind of training? Do you have to live near a very large city?

I am not asking for myself, but I'm sure there are others who would like to know.

Allen

pufferfish


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#300754 - 08/28/09 07:31 AM Re: How to support my son? [Re: pufferfish]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Allen,

The evening after the discovery I did A LOT of research about this as well as talking to The Child Victim Advocacy Center.

I pulled this out of an article from:
Renee Z. Dominguez, Ph.D.*
Connie F. Nelke, Ph.D.**
Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D.***



For:
Encyclopedia of Crime & Punishment


Intervention

There are several modalities of psychological treatment that have demonstrated positive benefits for child victims of sexual abuse. These include individual psychotherapy, group-based psychotherapy, and treatments that involve the entire family. When treatment for this population is trauma-focused, structured, and targets the specific symptoms of sexual abuse, it can be effective at reducing short-term and long-term effects. Individual treatment usually involves the child and a therapist meeting together for an hour a week. The therapist may be a master’s level clinician, social worker, psychologist, or psychiatrist. Despite varied professional backgrounds, it is important that the treating therapist have specific training and expertise in working with child victims of sexual abuse. Different techniques may be used to process the sexual abuse experience, normalize reactions, and develop adaptive coping strategies to address symptoms of depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Trauma-focused play therapy, trauma-focused cognitive-behavioral therapy, and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy are all specific individual child-focused interventions that may be appropriate treatment for child sexual abuse. Group-based psychotherapy can be particularly powerful for sexual abuse victims; they are exposed to other victims and subsequently do not feel alone. Moreover, this modality is useful in helping child victims understand that people cannot simply look at them and identify them as a sexual abuse victim. Treatment interventions that involve the entire family include family preservation services, attachment-trauma therapy, and Parents United programs. The focus of these interventions is to strengthen the parent-child relationship in order to help process the trauma and to ultimately increase the level of family functioning.

Dad of 2, This is the type of therapy that your son would benefit from.....

http://www.modelprograms.samhsa.gov/pdfs/model/CBT_CSA.pdf

Take care,

Didi


_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#300766 - 08/28/09 10:29 AM Re: How to support my son? [Re: didi]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Dad of 2,

His therapist has told us that he will continue to find himself targeted until he is able to break the cycle himself.

With no disrespect to your son's current therapist....

Children who have these issues can't break the cycle by themselves. They need an experienced CSA therapist to help them work through it all. RED flags went off when I read that, If it were my son I would definately seek alternate options.

Take care,

Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#300771 - 08/28/09 11:21 AM Re: How to support my son? [Re: didi]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, Dad of 2.

Welcome. I am sorry your son has experienced this event is his life. I am sorry your experiencing this as well.

The advice above is great so, I will not add to it. I would add input for you as his father from my heart as a father. I am distant from my kids for various reasons but, the main issue I think I share with you is the distance. SO, with this issue in mind I will add my input.

My heart goes out to you. This must really be affecting you and your family. I can see protection for your son would come from many directions with you his father being the core provider. Love him and show him you love him like never before. You might already be doing this. I would imagine -because I dont know your situation - this is tough to be dealing with considering all of the various issues. If you have not heard it yet - this is incest. There is another active/current post. The title states - adult incest - but there is other links posted by Sans - one of the mods -

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=300691#Post300691

I would say spend as much time with him as you can and take care of yourself.

At the end of the day, you need to be at peace with yourself as much as possible.

Give yourself a break and be gentle with yourself. I would be having a hard time with this.

Peace,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#300774 - 08/28/09 11:46 AM . [Re: didi]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 09:16 PM)

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#300790 - 08/28/09 03:33 PM Re: How to support my son? [Re: bardo213]
Dad of 2 Offline


Registered: 08/26/09
Posts: 3
Thank you for all your responses, your support has been amazing.

He is in therapy and has been since I found out about the abuse, we decided on a play therapist who specialised in CSA and EDs. He's been working on a range of issues and seems to have made breakthroughs in every one apart from learning to rebuff advances. I'm looking for a new therapist so will keep all the information given in mind, many thanks.

I have told him repeatedly that I am willing to listen, that I believe him etc. He remains unwilling to talk with me about anything to do with his abuse, his feelings etc. This is probably due to my past reactions to his behaviour; he is however open to some adults in his life which is positive.

You've all given me a great deal to think about.


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